Always questioned whether or not wife has BPD

[SonicSpaghetti]

I’ll try to keep this short as possible, but I was referred here by my individual counselor. I am a 31-year-old male and my wife is 30. We’ve been together since we were 17 and 18. He had been to couples counseling recently, with some moderate success, but still continue to have issues. My individual counselor suggested that I seek support here after we have observed some traits of BPD. I’ve always questioned in my head whether or not my wife fits the diagnostic criteria, and I suppose I’m looking for support here about whether or not these are BPD traits, and what to do about them.

The story is very complex, but I’ll try to hit all the highlights.

We met in college, as I was just coming out of a previous long-term relationship from high school. When I met my wife, she was extremely extroverted, confident, and charismatic. She joined our friends group, and we both shared mutual friends. At the beginning, we had a very long “puppy love“ stage. We were basically inseparable. I lived a few hours away from college, but I found a way to stay on campus over the summer for a work program, and she moved in to the dorm with me for the summer (she was not supposed to) and never left,  just to give you an image. 

Our issues began in approximately sophomore year. We were still pretty new into the relationship, but she was now dealing with the aftermath of an illness during her freshman year. This illness set her back from a few classes. She could have easily emailed the professors and gotten assignments, but she failed to do so, and now had to repeat many classes. Essentially, this set her progress in school back quite a ways, and she had to change majors. This is a star contrast from myself, who knew exactly what I want to do in college, and tend to be an overachiever. We have talked about plans for future, and now, we were dealing with at least a year of setback.

This becomes compounded by the fact that she changes her major eight times between her freshman and junior year. I try to be encouraging to help her find a pattern that is suitable for her, but she is dealing with a ton of self-doubt. While she is constantly switching majors, she is losing on coursework, adding to her tuition, and making matters worse for herself.

We end up getting an apartment together in our junior year. At this point, I’m still trying to do the best I can to keep her on track. She’s making a lot of impulsive and reactional decisions. She is working very few hours part time at this point, does not yet have a drivers license, and tends to spend excessively on things like make up and beauty products.

Meantime, I’m “holding down the fort“ going to school full-time, an almost full-time job, and driving her everywhere both to school and work. Essentially, this becomes too much for me to handle, and I explain to her that she needs to contribute in some form more so that she currently has, be that financially, driving, something, anything. We argue over this, and she ends up leaving with a friend of ours to move to Florida. At this point, she is taking time off of school as well.

I move into a new apartment closer to my full-time job, as I was about to graduate and already had a job lined up. She and I stay in touch, and she doesn’t make it very long down in Florida before she’s moving back. She doesn’t really have a place to go, so she moves back in with me. At this point, I’m working full-time and I have begun a Masters program. She takes a job making minimum-wage, working few hours, but since I’m making a decent wage she’s able to save a bit. She also finishes her bachelors program with a degree that she didn’t really want, but at least she has graduated

I cosign for a car, to hopefully get her started off on a new chapter of life. She does not yet have a drivers license, but since she is an adult, all she has to do is practice and test… Now we have her own vehicle to do so in! Every chance we get I’m trying to encourage her to practice to drive. She fights me at every turn. When we practice, she refuses to leave the parking lot that we practice in, and claims that she is terrified of driving on the road…. I try to work with her, but now this also means that I am still driving her everywhere.

She takes a job about 30 minutes away from where we live… This now means that my mornings consist of me waking up driving her to her job, driving all the way back, starting my job, leaving, and going back to pick her up at the end of the day… All in the car we bought for her. She is also changing jobs about every two months (sometimes longer), but all require driving anyway.

At the same time, every single day she is full of complaints… She doesn’t like her job (or just leaves it), she doesn’t like me teaching her how to drive, she doesn’t like the degree she graduated with, she’s just generally unhappy with life. She has frequent conflict with a lot of people… Her family, almost every coworker, and me on most days. I am at this point simply trying to hold everything together, while also propel myself forward. She becomes a vicious fighter, SCREAMING at the top of her lungs, talking to me like I am worthless, holding resentments about me saying that she doesn’t/didn’t contribute enough. I did at one point say this, because at that time, she was literally destabilizing our lives with constant change, indecision and instability. THIS IS KEY MOVING FORWARD. 

Eventually after a few years of this, we had a breaking point. We decide that our next step is to move back near my family, about two hours away. We find apartment, get settled in, and my mother set my wife up with a job. At this point, we are approximately 25 years old, I have my masters degree, and get a good job. My family helps her get her drivers license, mostly because she refuses to practice driving with me.

Here’s where things get pretty messy…

The job that my mother got her was at a state correctional institute… A men’s prison… Definitely not ideal for her, and I didn’t like it much either… The benefits of this job however were pretty great… Excellent pay, early retirement, and a more stable job than most of the part-time work she had in the past. At this point, things are looking way up. For the next almost 2 years, we are living more of a stable and secure lifestyle. We are able to save up, we get married, and I begin a doctoral degree… Things are looking up. Throughout this time however, my wife finds fault many thanks. She doesn’t get along with my family, she doesn’t like the lack of support at work, she doesn’t like that my family comes and visits this afternoon as they do, complains about how her life doesn’t feel private, how everybody’s choosing things for her.

Approximately a year and a half into the job, she comes home one day and says that she can’t go back to that job or she is going to end her life. I knew she was unhappy, but I did not think it was a suicide level. She tells me that if she is to go back there one more day, she will end her life. I don’t like that idea… She says that instead she wants to become a tattoo artist, that art has always been a passion of hers… It had been, but the apprenticeship she was talking about taking require her to basically go for a year or longer without pay, working excessive hours at the shop while learning. I don’t support that, and I tell her that I’m unhappy with her decision to do tattoo artistry… I don’t want her coming suicide either, so eventually I lose out and she goes for the tattoo apprenticeship.

Year or more later, she is an artist, making decent money. The road to get there was difficult financially and emotionally, putting more onto my already overburdened plate. The entire time throughout the partnership and her tattoo artistry, she complains every single day about her life.  She hates her mentor, she hates her clients, she hates how I tattoo turned out… When I try to offer encouragement or support, she throws it in my face how I did not support her decision, and shut me down. At the same time, the complaint storm  continues every day to me, but I am not allowed to help or support her.

Needless to say, we were able to make it through, and we ended up getting pregnant… we were trying at this point, but my wife became rather vicious about trying to conceive… we had difficulty, an issue on my part. When we weren’t having sex specifically when she demanded it (I mean DEMANDED, because she was tracking her ovulation and it HAD TO BE RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT), I was degraded and humiliated… if i was busy, not in the mood, or was preoccupied, she would insult me about not being interested, not being manly.

We get pregnant, buy a home, and she takes time away from the tattoo shop for maternity leave (nothing formal, just planning on going back when she can). While she was away on maternity leave, she finds out that her mentor was talking badly about her, saying that she was taking too much time off… She goes back for one day, we find out that it probably isn’t going to work schedule wise, and she leaves under the justification that her mentor was being a jerk. Shortly after, she goes to the tattoo shop across the street from the old one, and start a brand new apprenticeship… Meaning she will go another year or longer unpaid yet again.

We also have conflict over many things during the stretch… My family is far more involved than hers, and she fights with them, leaving me in the middle to try to keep the peace. She starts battles with my family regularly before the pregnancy, and after as well. We have disagreements about parenting where I get overruled because “she grew our daughter in HER belly.” If I suggest we change bedtime to a different time to help us out, I deal with extreme anger and defiance for instance.

Her anger only worsens. Over the next two years of our daughter being in the picture, I’m trying to put out fires between my wife and my family, deal with my wife lashing out at me over any difference in opinion, and I’m also at the same time being told that I am being controlling and abusive.

I have never been abusive in our relationship. At this point, the worst thing that I had ever said was that she wasn’t contributing enough early in our relationship. I didn’t support her changes in careers either, but I had never been abusive, and really not controlling either…

She develops new “buzz words“ that she uses anytime we get into arguments… If I try giving an opinion on anything, I’m controlling or a narcissist. If I stand up for myself or explain how much I’m being hurt, she tells me I’m a professional victim or a victimizing. If I defend myself and yell back or raise my voice in anyway, I’m being told I’m abusive. This had been going on prior to the birth of our daughter, but it escalated rapidly. When we start arguing, she instantaneously goes into rage every single argument… She screams, gets in my face, spits at me, threatens me, tries to initiate me to be an aggressor (tells me to hit her, while standing directly in front of me, bumping her chest against mine).

Whenever I try to leave an argument, she chases me down thrill the house. When I tried to leave the house, she threatens to call the police, breaks down and cries about me “abandoning her“ I need to go on the attack the minute I give in. Whatever I try to sleep downstairs because we are in a fight, she harasses me all night until I reluctantly agreed to go back upstairs with her. She eventually initiates a few times of physical aggression. The one instance, I was trying to get away from an argument by getting in the shower. Moments later, she comes in to the bathroom and start screaming at me and beating on the shower curtain. When I poked my head out, she screamed and spat at me, later escalating and her smacking me… to this day, she still tells me that I was abusive because I grabbed her arm and hurt her when she was trying to smack me.

After this, we seek couples counseling. The first few counselors we try, we don’t particularly like… Mostly my wife doesn’t like them. Eventually, we find someone who excepts in person visits during the pandemic. The first few sessions go well, but are nearly immediately skewed to how I need to “accept that life doesn’t always go as planned, and her many changes and decisions are a part of life, and I need to stop being angry about them.” My wife indicated, and I take that piece of advice to heart, trying to except that all of these changes and setbacks she has put us and still resulted in a wonderful daughter, House, etc.…

At the same time, any instance I have of trying to voice an opinion, express concern, anything that she doesn’t like… It’s met with intense overreaction. If I have an opinion that differs from hers, I am likely to be met with screaming, or escalation of any kind. If I try to leave the situation, I am told I am “withholding affection” and I get harassed until I give in. I frequently get told how “controlling” I am when I want something different than her, how “abusive” I am when I stand up for myself, or how I “victimize” when I tell her that I’m hurt. Not to mention, I “make everything about me” when I try to explain my side of the story.

Additionally, our arguements are incredibly one sided. I usually can’t finish a single sentence before being interrupted, and she will talk at excessively loud volumes for hours (no joke) on end, until I give up.

…

This all  culminates in the most recent story.

My mother was getting a bit pushy about getting my daughter to visit while my nephew (who was sick) was also visiting. I told my mother that I didn’t want to get our daughter sick, and left it at that. My mother also was trying to text my wife and I explain to my wife that it’s not a good idea to keep texting my mother and drawn out the argument. My wife AGREES TO THIS.

The next day, my wife tells me that she texted my mom anyways because “she thought it was the right thing to do and called and wanted to tell me all of the ignorant things that my mom was saying back. I ask to see my wife’s phone to simply read it for myself, since when she reads things, she is prone to put an inflection of her own on it.

My wife tells me “I’m going to read the text messages out loud to you, or you’re not going to hear them at all!“ She begins reading them out loud anyways…

, I explain to her how much it hurt me, and then I felt like she was treating me like a child.

She told me I was “victimizing”, told me I was “controlling” for not letting her text my mother” and that I was “making it all about me like her feelings didn’t matter.” The argument goes on the longer I try to explain that I’m hurt, and the attacks get more vicious… She ends up calling you family member to vent in the middle of the argument, and is screaming at the bottom of the steps (I’m upstairs at this point) to her family member that I am fat, hairy, ugly, and have a small d***”… this is not the first time she has done this.

I’m pretty upset with her and how she’s handling this, so I am not too keen to give her any hugs or feel really close to her. She tells me I’m “stonewalling” and “making it about me again.”

When I finally push the issue enough and get her to realize how bad she’s hurting me and how much she’s adding to my plate, she throws a bomb out there…

She tells me that I RAPED HER twice when we were drinking in the past few months. She provides details about how I was too drunk, how I pressured her, and how she couldn’t tell me no.

As we’ve talked about this, she eventually has backed down and said that it is actually not rape, it’s sexual assault… So now, add to The list that I am a sexual abuser/rapist… Once again, I’ve never abused her in any way.

I know this is gaslighting, but I’m also not sure how to handle this… I’m not even sure if it fits in the mold for BPD.

I suppose I’m just seeking advice, any input would be incredibly helpful. This is only a small fragment of the story.

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[thankful person]

Hi Sonic, I don’t have that much advice, just welcome to the site and I completely hear you. My wife was diagnosed bpd shortly before we met, she considers herself recovered since she stopped self harming and recovered from her eating disorder. But I relate to much of what you described in your story, actually she continues to display quite extreme bpd behaviour. My children have never even met my nephew and hardly met their grandparents on my side (we are a lesbian couple). It’s partly due to covid but also because my wife makes it ultimately impossible as she is the child bearing one, breastfeeding etc.
You are in the right place, if you want to try and improve your relationship, some of the advice on here really helps and the people are very helpful and supportive, there are also some good books you can read. I have found I can make some improvements in the relationship, without my wife agreeing that she needs to change at all. There is lots to learn. Best wishes, my thoughts are with you.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s the DSM criteria for BPD    https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

She seems to have an unstable sense of self, marked by frequent change of majors and later, jobs. Also inappropriate, intense anger seems to describe her behavioral patterns as well as suicidal threats. Fear of abandonment makes four of the criteria met. And impulsivity in spending makes five.

You could easily say she meets the definition.

[bugwaterguy]

Much of our stuff sounds similar - I empathize with you.

If you are looking for advice - read the Walking On Eggshells Workbook (I think the workbook is better than the book)

It sounds to me like you have a BDP spouse.

Focus on what YOU can do - and set limits and stick to them.  If you are looking for someone to brainstorm ideas, there are lots of folks who can help.

Don't try to convince her of anything.  Logic will not work (it might make things worse).  This webcomic explains why - https://theoatmeal.com/comics/believe

[SonicSpaghetti]

I really appreciate everyone’s feedback, and I will take the book recommendations, and continue to seek support here. I’m coming to grips with the fact that the diagnosis fits, I’m assuming that everyone here would probably know better than myself.

That being said… What exactly CAN I do? It seems like any efforts to set boundaries for myself in the past have failed, and our household it dominated by her mood changes. If she is in a bad mood, it affects everyone, and if she is ok, I can breathe for a while tentatively… it doesn’t feel so much like walking on eggshells per se, so much as dodging landmines.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Previous therapists have told me to just simply get out of the house, but I can’t spend all of my time leaving, going on drives, and sometimes it doesn’t even possible to escape because she becomes increasingly more hostile when I try to leave.

[once removed]

What exactly CAN I do?

you have to first understand the trajectory the relationship has been on, more or less, all along. conflict is baked into the foundation of your relationship. it wont change over night, and its a bigger picture than any given issue or misunderstanding.

people with bpd traits will often lean and depend on romantic partners, loved ones, etc. deep down, they resent themselves for this dependence. ultimately, they tend to resent you. they tend to feel as if you have expected them, with great pressure, to be someone that they are not.

there is a great deal of managing your loved ones affairs baked into the history of the relationship. that will manifest in lots of ways.

but at this point, the two of you arent really hearing each other when there is conflict. youre insistent on your point of view, shes dismissive of your point of view. resentment just grows.

to make progress on that front really involves a pretty radical change that is hard to make. you have to sort of figure out where youre right, where shes right, and where say, an objective outsider might come down on all of it. then you have to first change your approach to conflict, your steps in the dysfunctional dance.

couples counseling is a really good step, and it sounds like theres some promise in how its going. i want to tell you, sometimes at the beginning of couples counseling, or couples therapy, things can feel a little unfair. there can be a tendency to try to get across everything youre dealing with to the counselor. there can be a tendency to feel sided against, ganged up on, and defensive.

try to be patient with the process, as hard as it can be. the counselor is working with both of your strengths and weaknesses to get the two of you to communicate and operate as a team.