Have I just initiated final discard

[Zenpadwan]

Hi, this site has been very helpful in figuring out the best way to progress with suspected BPDwife. I have read walking on eggshells and When hope is not enough, the latter more helpful in my opinion.

I have spent the last few weeks utterly avoiding JADE'ing and validating her every rant/vent by simply reflecting back ie Damn, that must have made you feel really disrespected when I/he/she did what not... .I can see that would be hurtful to you... .type of responses. A little contrived at first but the remarkable thing it seems to reduce or stop the one sided loop arguments that have almost destroyed our marriage over the last 2 years.

I have consciously stopped soaking up the blame and accusations and validated the feelings behind it without apologising or saying sorry... .for anything unwarrented, which I have suspected previously gave her what she needed in terms of me accepting responsibility for her inability to deal with her own feelings at the triggered time.

That has made a tremendous difference to how I feel and wellbeing. Yes, it's lovingly detaching... .doesn't feel good to do that to someone you care and love so much.

I had a suspected extinction burst after doing the above for the 3rd time during a conversation where I didn't take the bait resulting in... .'Your going to put me in hospital the way you treat me, your determined. When I'm lying in hospital you can just watch me suffer and realise what you've done'

I said, 'That would be very sad, nobody wants you to be in hospital, I care for you very much'... .and left it at that... .avoiding 'what do you mean?' Why? etc which is a recipe for an hour of hell.

Since then, silence... .will not engage with me other than 'hello' in return to my 'Hi'

Have I pushed it too far? I know from history if I start a probing 'relationship' type conversation it will turn ugly again within 30 seconds. I'm non existent for 3 days now. Learned to avoid self guilt and look after myself and hit the gym etc which on the plus side avoids conflict.

I am hoping that if this can be maintained for several weeks that maybe she can become more emotionally regulated... .worse case she completely permanently discards me for not being able to transfer feelings and ownership of these to me... .something has to change... .worried and confused.

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[Tattered Heart]

I can imagine how eerie that feeling must be. It's hard to know whether this is a behavior change or a discard. It may be that your wife just doesn't know how to handle things now that you've set some boundaries. All of her arguments and previous triggers for you are not working. I hope that things mellow out. Just don't forget to continue practicing skills even during the times of calmness.