hi bp9218,
We have broke up and got back together I don't know how many times. He has physically hurt me when raging as well as emotionally. Will break up and tell me we will never get back together again. He can't stand me he hates me he don't love me and I'm a weak woman. He has spit in my fave as well as called me sum awful names. Every time I think we really done he will usually text or call or something before 2 weeks is up. How long will they do this?
I don't know how long your BPD loved one will continue to do this. Some people with BPD (pwBPD) recover from their disorder. Some do not. It might help you to understand what exactly he is doing and perhaps get a glimpse of perhaps why he is doing what he is doing. I'll try to communicate what I understand about this disorder and hopefully some of what I write will be helpful to you.
When will I know if he finally done so I can allow my heart to heal? Its crazy one min he calls all the time snuggles can't sleep without me to Harding me in .2 seconds. The awful things he says and does hurt so much. Anyway advice would b great. Will he ever really let go?
As indicated in the DSM, pwBPD exhibit "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation." When you alternate between breaking up/abuse and "snuggles", I think your BPD loved one is switching between devaluation and idealization. You are living through this pattern.
My understanding is that one reason why pwBPD "alternate" in this way is because of another quality of their disorder: "Frantic efforts to avoid real or
imagined abandonment." For PwBPD, feeling of closeness and intimacy (that which is familial) seem to trigger disordered feelings of abandonment. In other words, the closer he feels towards you, the more he is inclined to *imagine* that you will abandon him.
And this is why it seems whenever your relationship seems very good, it then suddenly seems like he behaves very badly, imagining that you will either betray or abandon him. And in order to *avoid abandonment*, he abandons you first. If he abandons you, you cannot abandon him. And once these disordered feelings die down. He might "recycle" you; or repeat the same pattern with you.
I stay with him because I know he wants and needs love. I also know when things are good they are so good. I am also a woman of my word and when he asked me to promise him to not walk out of his life like everyone has done when it gets hard I made that promise to him.
He does want/need love. However, love is not helping him deal with his disorder. And it makes sense that he would want you to promise never to walk out of his life (i.e. abandon him), but your promise nor your actions will not do anything to alleviate his disordered feelings. It is questionable that he does not even believe his feelings are disordered.
Its just the rages are getting worse but he did get me an apartment across the street form him to keep me safe when he starts to rage if I would just leave instead I get mad and hurt and try to understand what's going on
His rages are probably getting worse, because his disordered feelings are escalating. Why? Probably because his feelings of closeness and intimacy towards you are increasing as he spends more time with you.
What do u mean he will never really be done? I started therphy today with hopes since this last time he did it in front of friends he will really be done. Do u mean is gonna try to come back again or how do I know he will really be done. Its been 4 days since contact but last night he came outside and watched me till I went in my apartment was a Lil creepy.
Hopefully his therapy will lead him to start addressing his issues. But so long as he behaves as if you are the problem, then you will need to be careful, especially since he has already been physically violent towards you.
If you want to try to limit his behavior, I suggest you maintain more formality and distance in your dealings with him until you decide how best to move forward from here.
Best wishes,
Schwing