How Does Lack of Object Constancy Affect Success with No Contact?

[Humu Humu]

A very close person in my life with BPD left my life a couple months ago after a conflict which triggered their fear of engulfment, and after I made some rookie mistakes like begging and pleading and making overtures, I've done the reading and accepted that No Contact is my only chance at rekindling. The person has explicitly said to me that they want me to do many of the tips I've read here and elsewhere that seem to be successful with getting someone back in your life, like they said not to initiate contact and let them do it and they said to live in the moment without trying to set up more when an interaction happens, so I feel like it's a good sign that they are telling me they want what the general consensus states regarding No Contact success.

What always has me second guessing, though, is the lack of object constancy in people with BPD. Even when we were very close, I definitely felt that "out of sight, out of mind" vibe from them when other friends or events or distractions came into their life. I'm not saying that was all the time, though, because they certainly expressed missing me when they were more on the "fear of abandonment" end of the spectrum and they've mentioned missing me many times since our conflict.

So my question is, how does a lack of object constancy affect the odds of No Contact working when you are solely waiting on the person with BPD to initiate contact? Is it likely they just stop feeling your connection after a long enough period of time and just never think to reach out? Why does No Contact lead to successes in spite of a lack of object constancy?

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[once removed]

they said not to initiate contact and let them do it and they said to live in the moment without trying to set up more when an interaction happens

is this person telling you that they need space?

[Humu Humu]

"I need space" hasn't come up. When we had minor interactions shortly after the conflict, they've said things like, "I'm not ready to have you in my life." Lately our interactions have been brief but warm, but they're saying they want a clean slate between us and they want it to grow naturally and they want to be the one to initiate contact. But their overtures have been minor and infrequent and we haven't had an interaction in a couple weeks. I'm being respectful of what they're saying they want, but also wondering if the lack of object constancy means they're less likely to follow up as more time passes as I stick to No Contact.

[Pook075]

Why does No Contact lead to successes in spite of a lack of object constancy?

Like you said, that person left feeling engulfed and you made the mistake of reaching out too frequently.  It smothered them and they had to "escape".  We all do that when these relationships get difficult, so don't feel like you're alone.  It's intuitive to fight for the relationship.

With BPD though, the person has to have time to sort of find themselves and figure out what matters in their life.  That takes time and it's not a guarantee of relationship success...but it does give everyone time to heal and see things more objectively.

You maintaining no contact allows you to heal and focus on your own mental health, which has taken a hit going through all of this.  Again, the healing and gaining more mental clarity is the success part, which is why you'll see advice to stay busy with favorite hobbies and friends/family.  Sitting around waiting for the phone to ring is hurting you...moving on and adjusting to a life without your ex is healthy because it breaks the co-dependency.

In time, both of you should become better people...although your ex will still have a major mental illness.  With no contact, you can hope that the ex reaches out from genuinely missing you and by that point, you'll have healed enough to see the possibility of the relationship with fresh eyes.  There's no guarantees here that the relationship will succeed, which is why you must focus on yourself and actually healing from what was broken.  That way you walk away a winner no matter what.

One other trait of BPD is recycling relationships through different stages, and probably around half of the members here have seen their ex's want to rekindle the relationship.  So there's definitely still hope if you can avoid repeating past mistakes.  

Under the tools section at the top of this page, there's some great lessons on better communication techniques that will help you prepare.  Study them and take it to heart, because you're the one who will have to make the initial changes.  Good luck!

[Humu Humu]

Thank you very much for this kind and detailed information! I definitely was this person's favorite person for a couple years, but that seemed to change about 6 months before they stopped being a part of my life. They still say things like they miss me and love me, so I'm hoping that means that the time apart with no contact will give us time to work on ourselves and try to reconnect some time. In my reading, a discard where someone says they still have those feelings for you is usually related to fear of abandonment, but our conflict was definitely around engulfment. Is it typical for a person with BPD to end a relationship due to engulfment but still retain positive feelings? When I read about final discards it's usually pretty clear that they have negative feelings for you at that point. Is it more likely that this is not a final discard if they still say they miss me and love me? Is anything I've written here a predictor on how No Contact might ultimately pan out in this situation, or is it one of those things where every person and situation is different?