Boundaries?

[WorriedStep]

What boundaries do you all have for an 18 year old? Do you require they attend therapy or take medicine?

I’m really struggling with knowing when to be involved and when not to. I’m being advised that I should be involved less and let her “experience real world consequences.” But… when she has real world consequences, we also have real world consequences. For instance, if she spends all her money and can’t buy gas, she can’t get to work to earn more money (we live rurally- walking or biking isn’t an option).

At the same time, I’m over constantly having to monitor and enforce rules that she makes no effort to follow.

How do you know when to be involved and when to stay out of it?

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Worried!

Let's look at this in a different way- the boundaries belong to you. 

Even as a parent, you have zero control over your 18 year old kid and you have to accept that.  Forcing them into therapy is an option, sure, but if they're not ready for that or won't take it seriously, then it's a waste of time and money.  Your kid should take meds but again, that's not within your control.

The "rules" you're having to monitor and enforce in her life- there's no point to that.  Why would she worry about that stuff if you're in charge of it?  In a nutshell, that's enabling her to be less responsible because mom's always on the job.  That's a bad thing...it's allowing her mental illness to convince her that she can be a child forever.

If she runs out of gas, for example, then she can borrow money from work...or a friend...or a payday app.  Those actions have consequences that must be learned by all of us...so why shelter your kid from them?

The stuff you do control- the house, the car, the phone, etc...you can place specific boundaries around those.  If you want to live here, you must do x, y, and z.  If you don't, then you'll be asked to leave.

Her real world consequences are not yours, and the hardest part of being a parent of a BPD is letting go of that false belief.  She must figure that stuff out on her own and you must allow her to.

[CC43]

Worried,

I agree with Pook, but the issue I see with tough love is that a child with BPD is highly likely to break the rules, and then the consequence would ultimately be to kick her out of the house.  Most parents, including my husband, are NOT prepared to kick a BPD daughter out of the house, no matter how bad her behavior, even if technically she is an adult and responsible for herself.  My husband feared that his dysfunctional daughter (my stepdaughter) would "die on the street."  He basically saw her as emotionally disabled.  Sadly, this led to enablement of bad behavior and seemingly eternal, lost, miserable years.

However, I can't help but wonder, if your daughter doesn't have gas money, then why can't she hitch a ride with a friend or co-worker?  When I was her age, I didn't have a car, public transportation options were limited, and taxis were too expensive--so car-pooling was basically the only viable option.  I had to find jobs where I could get a ride--usually this was another young person with a car, and typically I'd help pay for gas.  It wasn't easy or ideal, but I got it done.  If I wanted something like a phone line, I had to work to get it.  My parents weren't even involved in the decision!  That's adulthood.  It seems to me that your daughter might not want to work, because she doesn't need to.  She probably doesn't really need money to buy things, because you provide most of what she wants already.

If your daughter breaks your rules--say she doesn't work or go school, skips therapy, abuses you and other family members, uses illicit drugs, damages/steals property and lives like a slob, etc.--you need to not only determine the consequences, but enforce them.

If I were the biological parent, I would probably start by insisting that an 18-year-old pay for her own Smartphone if she wants one, and let her pick whatever phone plan she desires.  I would also cut the TV, internet and cable from the house, so that your daughter doesn't languish all day and night being entertained by screens and avoiding responsibilities.  That way, she'd have to earn some of her own money to have the privilege of screen time--it would be her choice entirely, and you wouldn't have to enforce anything.  If she doesn't earn enough money, then she has no Smartphone (or her phone is a very basic model).  If she needs access to a computer to do schoolwork, then she can do that at school or a library.  It can be done.

The thing is, many kids are given amazing privileges--like cars, Smartphones, tuition, clothes--without having to do chores or work for it.  If that's the dynamic, I think it breeds entitlement.  It may seem "cruel" to take away these privileges.  But that's exactly what they are.  Sooner or later--preferably sooner--they need to accept reality and learn that they have to work for what they want, and not expect parents to continue to provide everything forever.  How would they cope if you were gone?
But the story with BPD tends to be:  It's your fault my life is horrible, I'm the victim.  You did this to me and you have to PAY.  And they will continue to act out until they get exactly what they want:  time off, and all the privileges of adulthood, with none of the obligations.  But we know that's not how life works.  So you've got to let them discover it for themselves by allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their own decisions and behavior.  Maybe they will be quick learners, and maybe not.  But if they are getting privileges after throwing tantrums, then it's completely rational for them to continue to throw tantrums.  To break the cycle, boundaries need to be established and enforced consistently.

So let's say that you stop paying for the Smartphone and cut off the screen-based entertainment at home.  Maybe your daughter decides to get back to work.  Or maybe she becomes avoidant, holes herself up in her room and wastes away in her bed while hating you immensely.  Pretty soon she's lost her friends and social status, and she's both bored and despondent.  Maybe then she "hits bottom" and decides to take therapy seriously.