Forced to stay by a pregnancy

[Mark Allen Edmonson]

I am new here, and have this problem:  My SO is clearly BPD.  No need to give the painful details.  She is verbally abusive to my children from a former marriage and I know we all have to leave.  The complicating factor is that she is pregnant.  The child is due several months form now. I do not think I will have a shot at bonding with this new child or having any custody or visitation if I do not stick it out.  Meanwhile, we endure rages, rants, emotional ridiculous behavior.  If my ex discovers these issues she will use it to take me back to court and I will lose time with my kids.  Help!

Mark

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am sure other members will direct you to the resources on this board.

I know you love your kids,  but what do they want to do? Although you chose your current partner, they did not, and they don't have the r/s you have with her. More than likely, she sees them as competing for your time, attention, and resources. They are not her children.

Which is the most stable home? If it is with your ex, you may want to rethink where they are going to live most of the time. I was raised by a mother with BPD and it was a sad, emotionally toxic home. During summers, we went to camp and stayed with relatives, and we were much happier there.

You mentioned that you didn't want your ex to find out. However, kids will talk. I will urge you to not try to silence them. My parents would punish us for saying what we saw, and it was invalidating and we learned not to stand up for ourselves with other people too. I know you want your time with your kids, but is it best for them to be with their stepmother?

[Mark Allen Edmonson]

NotWendy:

This is Mark Allen.  Thank you for the reply.  I am 75% sure I am going to break it off with her after my child is born.  I have been seeing a therapist and trying hard to re-find myself after a year of abuse from my SO... whom I am not married to.  My kids from the former marriage have not said anything.  In fact, after I posted, and got advice from my therapist and a lawyer, I went ahead and told my ex about the problems with my SO.  She was supportive, and she even assured me that she would never use this against me to get my kids, and never wants to take them from me - we have a 50/50 custody arrangement.  With this reassurance came a good bit of peace of mind.  Right now, after pretty much making up my mind to leave, I am enduring.  I guess now if I can ask for anything, it is what do you all think of my decision to leave?  Certainly, my new child will be with my BPD SO more than with me.  Is the child better off with us apart, and her not ripping me apart on a nightly basis, or better off with me in the home?  My gut tells me the former?  What do you say?

[Turkish]

Hello Mark Allen,

Thanks for updating us on your situation. I'm glad that your exW is being gracious and supportive of what's happening in your home right now. That must feel better to have one less level of stress to deal with.

Is your current SO diagnosed or in any type of therapy? Verbal and emotional abuse is tough to deal with, as I think all of us here can relate, but do you and your kids feel physically safe? Pregnancy is tough on a woman's body and mind, and every mother has their own way of reacting (oddly, my Ex was nicest to me when pregnant, go figure).

It sounds like you want to leave your new child's mother, but not your child. Navigating this situation will be tricky, but we have members here who have a lot of experience dealing with high-conflict spouses through divorce and custody issues. Some members have overcome seemingly insurmountable and initially hopeless situations regarding custody. I encourage you to post custody questions on the Legal Board, and senior members there can support you and offer advice:

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Do you think you have telegraphed at all your intention to leave? Since pwBPD fear abandonment, it could trigger raging behaviors... .or those of clinging (we've seen both) because she is unable to deal with her intense emotions.

I hope to hear more, MA.

Turkish

[Notwendy]

I agree with Turkish to consult those on the legal board who have navigated this as I have not. Certainly there will be custody and other considerations for the baby.

I am glad that your older childrens mother is being cooperative with you. This way, they have a safe place to stay if your gf becomes hostile to them during any conflict.

I hope this works out for you- it is a difficult situation.