Visit to my family

[Go Fish]

We live far away from our families, and both parents are dealing with advanced age. My husband does not want to spend time with my family.  Instead he wants to spend a few days with them then vacation nearby but not invite them. He even told me to tell them they are not welcome. I would never do that. I am working out my own visit alone, while he visits his own family with our children. This may be the last time my children will be able to spend with my dad for health reasons. It's always been a difficult marriage, but this its just too hard right now. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. It may be the case that it's too hard for my parents to have him anyway, he's too demanding and high energy, and everything has to be his way. I can't talk to him and don't want to be around him. He has also been working on turning our kids against me. They are teenagers and say really mean things sometimes. Honestly, I see no end to this  I don't have access to counselors here. Any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I find it easier to visit my parents without my H. This way, I can focus on my family and not worry about his moods. My father died a while back, and it was difficult for me to see his health fail, and it was also hard on my parents and all of us.

My H would have the same complaint you do about me- that I don't like to visit his family. This really isn't the case, however, both our families have their own drama and ways of going about things. When we visit our families, we tend to revert back to our roles in them. It takes concentration on my part to maintain my boundaries in my family, and my H can get triggered by his. So, when I keep visits brief it is my attempt to maintain my own sanity.

I think it is great that you and your kids can visit your parents. So important for the kids too. I think it is fine to visit on your own.

[flowerpath]

Hi, Go Fish.  Going by yourself will be less stressful for both you and your parents. 

I understand the age factor, as that is the case for us here.  I tell my children about something positive they can experience during the visit to encourage them to go.   I let them choose, and then accept their answer.  (That's easy for me to do because there's something positive in it for me in going by myself.)  If they decide not to go, sometime closer to the visit, I mention that it’s OK if they change their minds.  Sometimes they do – just minutes before I’m ready to walk out the door.

I’ve experienced my H making attempts to pit our children against me too.  It really bothered me when they were younger.   Who knows what he said when I wasn’t around, but if I heard him say something untrue, I’d respond with the simple truth.  I did the best I could to lead by example and show them the truth about who I am and what they mean to me.  Now they understand what's going on. 

I didn’t know anything about S.E.T. back then, but as poorly as I use it now when I’m being attacked, it still seems like the best thing to do.   

[Go Fish]

Thanks, I found your responses helpful. I am working through this decision with our kids, as it is different from usual, but I know I will only be able to talk with my parents if I go on my own. I'll give it a try. Yes, it's true, the whole family dynamic is difficult for my h, and I feel he should be able to set it aside.

The kids do still want to visit, and my h is working it out. We have time.

[takingandsending]

Hi, Go Fish.

I just returned from a visit to see my parents. I also live far from my parents who are both in their 80s. My S3 expressed the wish to go to their house and see them, and my S9 wanted to see them as well. In the past, negotiating these visits with my uBPDw was difficult, to the point that I have only seen them when they have traveled to or near us. I am now at a point where I have accepted that my wife will never agree with or be happy supporting these visits, and I have finally learned to just do what I know is right. The opportunities for my sons to visit with their grandparents will soon be gone. I want them to experience as much of them as I can.

I let my wife know that the three of us were going, and she was welcome to come with or stay at home. Either choice was okay. She responded with hostility, she felt attacked, she felt belittled. I knew what my motivations were and kept a firm boundary. In the end, she decided to come. I supported her choice by flying with the kids myself and letting her fly separately to alleviate her anxiety and panic during air travel. I did my best to support her during the trip by validating her feelings resulting from her perceptions of being attacked, persecuted and judged and also encouraging her to do things that supported her like spending time at the beach, but I maintained a strong boundary around the kids so that they could have their own experience of their grandparents.

In the end, I am so glad that we went. My sons loved their grandparents, and my parents loved them. I know that I would have had an easier trip without my wife, but I supported her in the process of having a choice. I don't know how it is for you, but I have let me wife dictate my happiness and my decisions  for over a decade as I wandered in my FOG. Life is precious and far too short. I really encourage you do think on and then do what you know is right in your heart. I hope you get to see your parents, and I hope your kids do as well. 

[Go Fish]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. It really means a lot to me. I appreciate your ideas about negotiations. because I am not in a position to leave him behind and go with the kids, but your experience suggests ways to make it work with planning. It's very hard that he can't see the big picture, and I can't trust that he ever will, so I'll try on my own. Any thoughts on why my father's illness would make his behavior worse? Or maybe I have less tolerance. Thanks again.

[takingandsending]

Hi Go Fish.

The fact that you are willing to look at your own tolerance in this instance when your father is elderly and facing health situations speaks volumes. You are not being intolerant. You are being well within the social, human norm to want to see your parents and have your own children see them before it's simply too late. It hurts me to read your post and see reflections of what I have lived through/am living through with my wife. I am so rooting for you and your family. 

As far as your husband, is it possible that he feels abandoned when you redirect your attention/energy/thoughts towards someone else in your life? My wife has unconsciously yet systematically felt this with my parents, my brothers and sister, and even our children. I don't think that she intentionally sets forth to have this bad experience, but she recreates it over and over. Maybe there is a way that you can reassure him that he is important to you and that both he and your parents mean a lot to you. Would it be possible for your family to stay at a hotel, rent a house or in some way ease the pressure of his demands on your parents while also easing the self-induced pressure your husband creates for himself?

Lastly, when you say you are not in a position to leave him behind and go with the kids, may I ask why not? Is it a question of resources or concern over your husband's reaction, i.e. possible/probable dysregulation?

[Go Fish]

Thanks again. I am not sure why he gets so difficult about my parents, but I think it's really because I have an easygoing relationship with my parents, really no conflict, and in our marriage, there's a lot of conflict, though I'm managing it better with the help here. He probably feels my divided loyalties and wonders if I would leave. He sets this up as a competition, I have to choose between him and the kids or them, and he sets up activities my parents couldn't do. I think I can intervene more with some planning, and we are all clear that we don't have many more visits. I'm glad I've been able to maintain a relationship with my parents under the circumstances. They are pretty amazing in trying to understand and make the best of their relationship with us.

We live abroad, and he visits his family on the same trip, so it actually works in some ways. I can tell you he tries, but it's day by day.