She thinks I'm the crazy one

[confusedinpa]

Married 3 yrs to a woman I believe has BPD.  She has been emotionally abusive since our engagement - flips between me being the best guy she's ever met and the worst thing that's ever happened to her.  3 yrs of living with her has taken an emotional toll on me, I am almost always anxious, ready for her to explode, quick to apologize, and just unable to relax.  She has twisted my arm to start seeing a counselor, to the point where she called me once in the middle of a hectic work day to insist I schedule an appointment with the doctor that day to get some anxiety medication, and pitched a fit when I initially resisted, telling her how busy I was. 

She seems to enjoy the fact that I have a diagnosis and a doctor put me on meds, as if it makes her behavior normal.  Today when I got home she asked me why I didn't have time to call her (she found out that I made a call to a friend) - I started to apologize, but that angered her, she said I thought it was a chore, I explained that it wasn't, but i just didnt do it that day, but i did most days - she made a reference to my ignoring her for the morning, I responded that she didnt call or text me either, she countered that she eventually did, I said yes, she did, and sometimes I'm the one to initiate - at this point, she got wide eyed and told me I needed to calm down.  I told her I was calm, but my not calling/texting this AM was clearly an issue, so I wanted to talk.  She said I was way too anxious, told me to take another anxiety pill (i have one I can take as needed) and she'd talk to me once it kicked in.

Stuff like this happens on a regular basis - I feel like she gets a serious conversation started and I can't respond without being "unstable".  I have heard that "gaslighting" is something people w BPD do a lot, is this a form of it?  How am I supposed to respond?    Frankly, I don't even wanna be on the meds - I lived for almost 30 yrs w/o this problem, I think it begins and ends w her behavior.  I just take the meds to get her off my back, but I feel like it is giving weight to her position that I'm the one who is unwell. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tjay933]

mine tried to get me to take anti-depressants. even sent a note with me to my doctor about it. my doctor refused after talking to me about it and asking what I felt/wanted-decided that wasn't my problem. I'm still not on them and feeling much better without the turmoil of a BPD daily.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, people with BPD love to label us "nons" as the ones with mental problems; I've experienced that too. I used to have a lot of anxiety from being around my BPD husband, but reading the lessons on the right side of this page has helped me so much as well as posting here.

PwBPD (people with BPD) can be a real handful and they can create conflict where there needn't be any. I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with my relationship and that has been a place of sanctuary and has recharged my batteries, so I'm less likely to be triggered by my husband's complaints.

I'm sorry you're dealing with someone who is pushing your buttons. In another context, you probably are not anxious at all, but dealing with her is certainly causing you to be upset and understandably so. Keep posting and tell us more about your story.   

[takingandsending]

Hi confused,

Gaslighting is the correct term for that behavior - trying to make you feel that your perceptions are flawed or off center. My uBPDw of 16 years has accused me of being emotionally immature, non-intuitive, remote, a wall, hyper-sensitive, invalidating, demeaning, and abusive. For a long time, I took to heart her complaints, tried to improve myself, tried to comply with her array of requests, tried to empathize and understand that I am not the easiest person in the world to live with (despite what my family, friends and co-workers think). I was living in a deep FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt), and walking on eggshells with every step.

Eventually, as my wife embarked on a spiritual/emotional odyssey of finding herself, I sought out a counselor because I was feeling depressed about my life - living in a very volatile relationship, trying to raise two sons and protect them from emotionally abusive behavior from their mom, having no friendships to speak of and doing very little that I enjoyed for myself. Worst yet, I had to accept that I had made these life choices myself. The counselor helped, providing much needed validation that I was not a bad person and was in a very difficult relationship. At that point, I made the request and push that my wife see either my T or another T with me as a marriage counselor. After a month of very frustrating, painful and unpleasant MC sessions, the counselor privately advised me that my wife has BPD.

I want to encourage you to know that things can get better here. The Lessons on the right and the relentless support and commitment of the community members here to show up for and help each other began helping me step out of the FOG and begin learning how to communicate more effectively and how to establish boundaries. It's not easy, it takes a lot of effort, but I understand my wife better and know myself better. Our relationship is still a daily negotiation, but I have even found some small level of positive regard for my wife returning. Please take a look at the Lessons on the right of this page, and as Cat says, keep posting, keep asking questions and don't be afraid to use this forum as a safe place to vent. We are all going through some level of dysfunction, or we wouldn't be here. This illness is very tough, but there is help for you. The big thing for many of us is learning how to start taking care of our own needs first.

[NGU]

tried to comply with her array of requests

This is the tough one for me. There are days my W is completely catatonic and won't even eat unless I cook her something. She wants me away, but when I retreat into the bedroom, she frequently comes in. Sometimes she'll ask me for things while she's there, which I've learned is her way of attention seeking. She wants me to get more of my own work done, but insists on time together at night for TV-watching, and really, really hates it if I don't go to bed at the same time she does. (I think I whined about one of those today in a previous post.)

The only saving grace is that I knew she was like this before we started dating. Otherwise, I would think she was just trying to take advantage of me. Nope. Just one of her symptoms.

[babyducks]

She seems to enjoy the fact that I have a diagnosis and a doctor put me on meds, as if it makes her behavior normal. 

Hi Confused and welcome,

Boy what you wrote hit a chord with me.   I've been there and done that.   For a time I was very very reactive to my partner and her demands and arguments.

It took me a while here, reading and learning, to become less reactive to her highly intense emotions and needs.

I think what was true for me, was I took it very personally, and spent a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to make sense of it all.   And it took a huge toll on me.  It wasn't until I learned about BPD and got better at not engaging in the drama that was forever swirling between us that I started to feel better about me, her and us.

There are ways to respond to a conversation like the one you had, tools for communication.   Until I learned how to use the tools I had to build in time outs, taking breaks from being in close contact so I could regain my own equilibrium.  I had to be careful about it so she didn't perceive it as abandonment.   When one of those circular arguments started that was usually her pointing out something I did wrong to hurt her feelings, I tried not to react, tried to understand it was about how she felt, not about what I did, and tried to keep the argument from expanding like a gas giant to fill the universe.

good luck.   hang in there.   and be good to yourself.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

I understand how you are feeling. I had been in individual counseling for years, trying to cope with marital issues, and so, became the "one with the problem" since my H refused to go to marital T or any T himself. When eventually he agreed to try it ( I think he realized I had hit my limit with the marriage) , the T called me "co-dependent" and I am the one in 12 step groups. There is no way he would do it. I find it a bit absurd that I am the "one with the problem".

It's the nature of their condition. I also am grateful for the improvement and change in myself that has occurred from my seeking help. I think one reason our marital T started with me was because she knew that I was the one who was not in denial, and had she addressed my H, he would have walked out the door.

[agoodperson]

Married 3 yrs to a woman I believe has BPD.  She has been emotionally abusive since our engagement - flips between me being the best guy she's ever met and the worst thing that's ever happened to her.  3 yrs of living with her has taken an emotional toll on me, I am almost always anxious, ready for her to explode, quick to apologize, and just unable to relax.  She has twisted my arm to start seeing a counselor, to the point where she called me once in the middle of a hectic work day to insist I schedule an appointment with the doctor that day to get some anxiety medication, and pitched a fit when I initially resisted, telling her how busy I was.  

She seems to enjoy the fact that I have a diagnosis and a doctor put me on meds, as if it makes her behavior normal.  Today when I got home she asked me why I didn't have time to call her (she found out that I made a call to a friend) - I started to apologize, but that angered her, she said I thought it was a chore, I explained that it wasn't, but i just didnt do it that day, but i did most days - she made a reference to my ignoring her for the morning, I responded that she didnt call or text me either, she countered that she eventually did, I said yes, she did, and sometimes I'm the one to initiate - at this point, she got wide eyed and told me I needed to calm down.  I told her I was calm, but my not calling/texting this AM was clearly an issue, so I wanted to talk.  She said I was way too anxious, told me to take another anxiety pill (i have one I can take as needed) and she'd talk to me once it kicked in.

Hi confusedinpa,

Wow!  Have you been living my life?  LOL... .interesting, my uBPDw and I have been married for 4 years to the date.  She focused on my ADHD, and I explored medication once again and am on meds.  (I had tried medication about 25 years ago.  It helped me learn some skills, but I didn't like the way it made me feel.

I am the best, no the worst, no the best, no the worst... .man she has ever been with.  She was married previously several times for short periods.  I was married once previously for over 17 years.

My work day goes the same as yours.  If I get busy, it's "What have you been doing?  Where have you been?  Are you really at work?", etc.

I never know when the explosion will come.

We have just had a major explosive episode as I relate on my "pendulum" post.

Am reading an excellent book that my counselor recommended:  I Hate You-Don't Leave Me by Kreisman and Straus.

Am always hopeful.  I love her.

Peace,

agoodperson

[newlifeBPDfree]

My ex tries to make me look like the crazy one all the time. He even suggest that to our daughter! My ex would tell me that I might have depression for the longest time. He is on depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder medication and he thought that I should be on some of the meds too. Then when his therapist told him he has BPD traits he read more about it and tried to tell me I was BPD as well. In the end, I am feeling so much better when he is not around to cause the anxiety and depression. I don't need meds, I need him out of my life, that's the magic pill we all need.

[survivalmode27]

my BPDh makes statements all the time about how I have a drinking problem, and this and that. I do go out about once a month. Honestly I have to to keep my sanity. We are in MC and he even tried to convince our T that I had a drinking problem. So now if I have a glass of wine I have a drinking problem. But as my best friend points out, that is the only thing that he can grab onto and use, so that he can feel as I am the one to blame for any emotion he has and can not handle.

[Skip]

Frankly, I don't even wanna be on the meds - I lived for almost 30 yrs w/o this problem, I think it begins and ends w her behavior.  I just take the meds to get her off my back, but I feel like it is giving weight to her position that I'm the one who is unwell.  

It will help to separate her problem and yours.  

You've had this anxiety for thirty years - it  predates her - don't blame it on her.  Own it. This is your "normal" - your baseline.  I'm not sure what that entails (drugs or not)... .but lets start there.

As for her, she has BPD. Let her own that. And know that she is doing what she is doing because it is normal for her. Again, I'm not sure what her owning needs to mean in your household, but lets start here also.

I feel like she gets a serious conversation started and I can't respond without being "unstable".  I have heard that "gaslighting" is something people w BPD do a lot, is this a form of it?  How am I supposed to respond?

Labeling anything gaslighting generally gives us less understanding of the situation, not more.  Its is a movie title, and its got no more meaning than that.  There is a few self-help authors trying to leverage it into a business... .people use the term/like the term as it sounds very pathological, devious, premeditated.

Is that what is happening here?  Pathological, devious, premeditated?

YOU: The reason what your wife is doing bothers you is that you are being invalidated. You want to be validated and she is giving you none of it.

HER: Likely. what she is likely trying to communicate to you is that she feels you are over-reacting or not seeing things clearly (her way). She probably felt that way before - now she has a vindication - your anxiety. Shes not getting validated.  

None of this is good on either side - but does this at least sound like what is happening?  Getting a clear picture of the transactional dynamic is the first step to getting some resolution.

Who is the "crazy one"?  If she has BPD, she is going to be driving relationship instability.  If you have anxiety, you are likely wanting higher than normal levels of control/stability.

So now what?  Where can we go with this?