Dwelling on the DISTANT past

[WhatDid1Do]

About a decade ago, an ex contacted me on social media and we talked a bit back and forth.  My wife voiced concerns because she is the jealous type and I assured her that it had been a long time and there was nothing to worry about.  After a few weeks of casual conversation about life, kids, marriage, etc, the ex sent me an inappropriate photo.  I immidatly deleted it and informed her that was unacceptable, she apologized and said it wouldnt happen again. I cut off contact with her.  The next night, or two nights later my wife woke me up with a different laptop at 3 in the morning screaming that she found it, threatening me, etc.  She went through my email, dug through deleted stuff, etc.  There was no way to explain myself that would work.  TO THIS DAY, it has been brought up many many times, including three marriage counselors that I "cheated on her" and that it has "never been addressed".  I have no leg to stand on, and I am unable to control peoples actions. I have been accused hundreds of times of cheating, both before and since that.  If I deny that I am cheating I am "defensive" and she assumes guilt.  AAAAHHHHHHH! 

Any advice?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Foursome]

Deja Vu... .I mean you just told MY story almost word for word.

Wasnt 10 years ago but the rest... .spot on.

There is no winning that one.

I have learned now that it isn't worth it to reconnect with old pals.  Just never works out.

Unfortunately I think that's one argument that wont ever go away and it will get used and used and used again.

Find a good solid way to react and diffuse and learn to expect it to pop up.

[Wrongturn1]

Were you able to show your wife the messages where you said the photo was unacceptable and the ex apologized?  If so, how did your wife explain that?  (Even if confronted with these details, most BPDs would not acknowledge them and would concoct some bizarre explanation in order to stay upset.)

Anyhow, I can relate to dwelling on the distant past... .my wife routinely brings up things I said that upset her going back over 20 years.  In my experience, the best course of action has been to say something along the lines of, "we have discussed that issue in detail multiple times before, and those discussions have not helped - I care about you and our relationship, so I will only participate in discussions that can help our relationship, so if this topic comes up again in the future, I will not be part of that conversation".  Then be prepared to leave the room or leave the house temporarily if that's what it takes.  (Find some descriptions around here about how to take a "time out" from a conversation.)

[lostandconfused6]

It wasn't 10 years for me but it's been almost 2... .i went through my BPDbfs phone and found him talking to another girl that he promised he had no contact with and to this day i hear "even though you found something you ruined this relationship when you went through my phone you are an awful person and you are to blame for everything that has gone wrong"

I don't even acknowledge it at this point it isn't worth it to me... .no what i did isn't ok but he has done far worse to me before and after that

Have you tried to not engage and just walk into another room or change the subject?

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Whatdid1do -

What a coincidence! I recently started a thread about this - how my dBPDbf will sometimes start a real battle royal over something that happened years ago, and has long since been discussed and resolved. It could be anything.

I was going to ask the same thing as wrongturn1- do you have the messages where you told the ex that the photo was not appropriate and cut her off? That MIGHT help... .but only to a small degree perhaps.

Sincere apologies, because I know these events are anything but funny to those of us who live with BPD partners, but I did LOL a little envisioning your description of your wife finding the inappropriate photo and screaming hysterically at 0300. As a woman I can understand not being impressed with finding such a thing, but I'd say if my partner said "thanks, but no thanks" and told the woman to knock it off, I'd have to eventually move past it, even if it was uncomfortable at first. After a decade... .I'd be well past it.

While I can sympathize to a degree with her point of view... .I'd also suggest that now is the time to say, once and for all "That was ten years ago, I did not accept her behavior, it did not continue, it's time to lay it to rest. I know it upset you, and I'm sorry you had to see that, but it's done and long over. I don't want to think about it, and you don't need to either." If she goes on, then yes, I second the suggestion to leave the room, or the house if need be.

pwBPD can beat an old dead horse to death a hundred times more when something triggers them. I struggle with this with my partner too. I have also used the mantra that wrongturn1 suggested - "I will participate in discussions that help our relationship progress in a healthy way. I will not participate in destructive discussions. This relationship is too important to me."

I had to use it today, in fact! 

I feel your pain here. Re: Cheating accusations. I haven't dealt with that, but my partner manages to worry about other perceived slights... .I guess if he accused me of cheating (not my style, and he seems to realize it, thankfully) I might say, "I don't do that. The mere accusation is insulting. Please stop." I actually can't think of anything better to say. There has to be something better... .but I'm not sure what it would be. My typical approach is usually "Just the facts." Then boundaries.

In this case, you might just have to shut down the topic and refuse to play the game. I've learned it's REALLY hard to talk BPD's out of irrational fears. I guess you could validate, and say, "I understand that the thought of me being unfaithful to you is upsetting. I have too much respect for this relationship to do that, and I am not interested. I choose you. End of story."

If she's still at it, then yeah... .flee the house and stay scarce for bit! 

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation WhatDid1Do. I can imagine how tiresome it is to have this innocent situation thrown into your face. You could show your W the proof that you told the woman not to send these photos to you, but that really won't fix it. She FEELS like you cheated and for pwBPD feelings=facts. By explaining and presenting facts, you will just end up making her feel invalidated.

I suggest validate her feelings, every time she brings it up. And by validating, I don't mean validate the invalid.

She accuses you of cheating and you respond by asking her questions about what she is experiencing. Questions like:
Are you worried that I might cheat on you now?
Did something happen that is causing you to worry about me cheating on you?
If I was worried about you finding someone else I would get really scared. When you think about that, how do you feel?

If the accusations keep happening then get her to narrow it down:
How specifically have I cheated on you?

If all else fails, do sincerely apologize for the part you played in this. She may really be hurt by you continuing in conversation with an ex-partner after your W asked you not to. All of her fears came to fruition because there really was something to worry about (even if it wasn't on your end). A sincere heartfelt apology may help her heal. You're not apologizing for cheating because you didn't. But she must feel a sincere betrayal about what happened if she is still experiencing pain from it 10 years later. Ask her to forgive you and then ask her how you both can move on from this so it doesn't continue to be an issue in your relationship.

[waverider]

pwBPD rarely "resolve" anything that is emotionally triggering, they simply switch it of and quarantine it. Hence when a related trigger crops up down the track they drag this previous issue out quarantine as negative character reference, the emotions it held wne it was packed away come back with the same strength, as they were never really "resolved". Top make things worse the recollection can be tainted in whatever way it needs to be to validate the issue of the day.

Anything you add to it, just gets distorted and added to the file for future use. Adding another spare part to the transformer monster if you will. Only way I found to deal with these issues is refuse to debate, apologise or add in anyway anything to old issues. As you have found whatever you say just adds weight. It is used to fuel the escalation, if you dont allow it to fuel the escalation it becomes a redundant tool and they find it less effective and it falls into disuse. Be totally deaf to these claims, dont even let these accusations create an echo. They are simply fishing for a reaction out of frustration.

[BasementDweller]

Be totally deaf to these claims, dont even let these accusations create an echo. They are simply fishing for a reaction out of frustration.

Waverider, how do you deflect it when your partner brings these things up? I too would like to refuse to respond to these things because they serve no purpose, and just lay old business to rest. Sometimes the attacks are so blindsiding that I am caught off guard. If I just stand there mute as if I didn't hear him, that won't really do any good, as he'll keep hammering away.

When there is a repeat accusation that comes up year after year and time after time  (like the OP's description of his wife finding the picture, and continuing to bring it up) that you just can't seem to get a break from - how do you finally put it to rest? That's what I have trouble with. Sometimes I can diffuse for a while. But then it gets brought up again. And again. And again.