Is this his property? Is this his house? It wouldn't matter if he were Bob Villa.  If you wanted to go Sara  Winchester and install doors to nowhere and windows in the floor, that's your right as the property owner,  no?

This boils down to an issue of boundaries, even if you are doubting your values (which sound reasonable to me). This discussion may help:


Click on the quote link for the entire discussion.  

Not to arm chair diagnose him,  but it sounds like his projects are what he does to soothe his dysregulated emotions.  My BPD mother is a hoarder,  and has all sorts of wacky ideas and projects.  If you challenge her on anything,  then you're being "controlling." It's bad.  Very bad,  like the TV show.  This may be what he does in order to help him control his emotions. When his control is challenged,  he dysregulates into rage and even more dysfunctions coping mechanisms.  Though you can learn how to communicate better in a non triggering manner  (see the lessons to the right of the board,  or Lesson 3 on the Improving Board), ultimately,  you aren't responsible for his feelings.  

Despite his behavior,  it sounds like you care about him,  yes?  The rage and the drinking sound concerning,  though.  :)o you feel safe when he acts up like this?  

Hi seekonlypeace:

I'm sorry about your situation.  It sounds unpleasant and perhaps unsafe.

You may need to seek some legal advice. Technically, he is likely considered a tenant. You might need to evict him, if you decides he needs to go.  Have you paid for all the materials related to the work?  Did you have some type of agreement in regard to his labor (room and board for labor?)

It's not likely to get any better, unless your friend decides he has a problem and gets some help.

I've had some experience with abusive men who love to take things apart and rebuild them. I once purchased a house with a friend, as a co-owner (we had a dating relationship for a period of time).  It didn't take long before all the dry wall and fixtures were torn down for remodeling.  I spent over a year living in our garage.  My co-owner liked to restore classic cars.  I ended up with what I affectionately referred to the "car in a box" that resided in our back yard for a few years. There was always some conflict: He wanted to let a friend store their boat in the back yard, one night he bought two homeless people to the house to spend the night.  It got worse when he brought his new girlfriend over to live at the house.

He got physically abusive for a period of time.  He was a mean drunk.  I'll never forget the night we went to a concert together.  He had had a few drinks.  He wanted to torment me, so he drove like a crazy man on the freeway, high rate of speed, weaving in an out traffic with excessive lane changes.  His classic muscle car didn't have seat belts.  I feared for my life.  I left him at the concert, as it wasn't safe to get back in a car with him.  I took a cab home and slept in my car that night.  We were living in the garage at that time.  When I came back into the garage the next morning, he was in a rage and threw a knife at me.  I left and spent the rest of the day at the beach.  When I came back that evening, he had turned the electricity off.  This was all retribution because I wouldn't get back in the car with him, as I feared for my safety.

You can't change your friend.  Only he can decide to quit drinking.  His raging won't likely stop, unless he decides he has a problem and wants to correct it.  You have to decide how much more of this you can take.  Depending on where you live, you may have some problems if you aren't getting a building permit and inspections for the construction.

Do you have a friend or relative that you can lean on for some support?

Simple answer: The situation as you describe it is one where your housemate is being unreasonable.

When you are subject to this kind of thing for a long time, it is easy to start doubting yourself. Especially since he is so insistent about it.

Your situation sounds like a friend who was living with a guy she described once as "The man who came to dinner and never left." [Except that he was actually really good at home improvements for her, and as far as I know, not prone to raging or drinking!]

Has the controlling behavior, drinking, and/or raging been slowly escalating over the years?

Hi seekonlypeace 

I'd like to offer you some encouragement. You can find support here.

For this example, while both of your opinions are of importance, I don't think this example shows mutual respect in communication. It might help you to pay specific attention to the chronology of the highlighted parts to see generally how you guys are communicating. I think what Turkish suggested about being aware of and upholding your limits would be valuable to you for situations like this in future. I encourage you to pursue that.

Here, I think both of your opinions and practical problem solving methods are important. A respectful way to go about this doesn't seem available here. When people rage and binge drink at me from a discussion--me too, I've had both--I would also feel very, very uncomfortable. Again, limits and boundaries will help here. They can have the added effect of clearing things up for you.

Sometimes things that seem trivial to others, is very real and important to us.

I also support what Grey Kitty said to summarise the general pattern.

Something that may help you is to keep a calendar of the rages and very difficult behaviour. It helped me a lot to see what was going on and when. Please do stay safe and keep such notes in a safe and secure place if you choose to do this. You can write down a quick sentence on what it was about and how difficult it was for you.

I hope you find solutions and peace. 

Thanks to everyone for your observations and suggestions.  This is really helpful.  I feel supported.  Naughty Nibbler, your story about your friend who tore down all the dry wall and fixtures really resonated with me.  My difficult friend continues to talk about tearing out the dry wall in my house to seal up the air ducts (he has an obsession about wood smoke from the neighbors), so your story sounds so familiar.  I often feel as if this situation is so unique that I am breaking new ground in trying to find a solution.  But maybe I am not so alone. 

I agree that I need to get legal advice.  I have thought about that, but just haven't done it yet.  So I just now put it onto my to-do list for next week.  Fortunately, I found out long ago that my state does not have common law marriages, so that I won't end up married to him by default.  But still I need to find out more about how I might be exposing myself and how to protect myself.  He periodically demands that I draw up a contract with him, and that really scares me.  We had an informal agreement in the beginning to trade his labor for living expenses, but nothing in writing.  I know that now he wants a share of my property, not just room and board, but he has produced nothing yet, in all this time, that increases the value of my property.  I have spent a huge sum of money and have very little to show for it, except piles of tools rusting in the rain.  I definitely would consult an attorney before signing any contract.

Grey Kitty, I started to see the controlling behavior and raging very early, just a few weeks after we met.  But his drinking was very moderate at first.  The heavy drinking escalated over time, and made the rages worse.  He promised to stop drinking a few weeks ago, and kept that promise for a while.  But a few nights ago, he started drinking again.

I really appreciate everyone's insights.  I will come back and re-read them again, and the material on boundaries.

$.02 on legal advice... .

1. We have a legal board here. It is mostly about divorce/custody issues, which (fortunately) you don't have to deal with, but check in there anyway. The senior folks there are very pragmatic on dealing with lawyers and also legal fights with high conflict people. Figuring out how to pick a good lawyer could be important, and they can help with that too. ... .I'll encourage you to post your legal questions there.

2. You don't sound certain how you want to deal with him. If you just want him out, and to protect your assets, a lawyer can help. If you want to take a different path, a lawyer may help too. If you don't know what outcome you want, I wouldn't count on a lawyer helping you choose.

Grey Kitty, thanks for your suggestion.  I will check out the legal board.  That sounds like a good resource.  I want to protect my assets no matter what happens, so I think I have questions that a lawyer can help me with.

Cat Familiar, wow, that is exactly what has happened to me.  He promised to build me a fairly large house for a particular amount of money that sounded affordable.  I spent about 5 times that amount and then stopped counting about three years ago.  He built a tiny one-room cabin, about 12 ft x 12 ft, and a well house.  He never finished the tiny cottage, never installed the insulation, inside walls, screens, and other materials that I purchased, and the roof has been leaking for a couple of years, damaging what he did build.  He won't fix the roof, and blames me, because I kept reminding him about my budget, so he bought cheap inferior roofing material.  The roof and walls also leak on two storage buildings.  He won't fix them, and instead started work on another structure.  He put a lot of work and materials into this new structure, and then said it was temporary, because he did not put a foundation under the structure.  He spent most of the first two years, and my money, buying tools, two ancient trucks, storage tanks, electrical parts, and on and on, all old things that only he can use because only he knows how to repair them, so I can't just sell them easily.  They are all rusting in the weather.  He told me that rust is good for metal because it protects it.  He considers himself a scientist who knows all about chemistry and physics.  He also took my late husband's tools and put them into a leaking building, so now my late husband's tool box is full of water, just sitting there.  It breaks my heart. 

He spent all my money, and continues to get angry that I had not warned him that the money was running out, which is completely false.  I gave him a detailed accounting of how much was left, but then he got angry that I was giving him that information, so I stopped per his request.  Now he is angry that I don't give him all the money that he wants for construction.  But the money is gone because he spent it all, on the tools he is allowing to rust.  He seems to consider me an infinite fount of money.  Now I can barely cover the monthly bills for the two of us to live on.  He has no money.  That's another thing that makes separating difficult.

He hasn't lost interest, but has indicated that he might have to leave, for health reasons.  But he wants me to go with him.

I fantasize about hiring a contractor to do what I want to do.  At least then I could get done what I want, to my specifications, without rages and changes to what he wants instead of what I want.  He would never stand for my bringing in a contractor to do anything.  He rages if I even ask for information from someone else.  He considers us a completely self-sufficient unit, and everyone else out there has commercial interests that are suspect.  So I don't see that it would be easy for me to do while he is around.

I am curious how you were able to end it, whether you feared violence, and whether you had to help him economically in order to accomplish a separation.  Those are things I've thought about in my own situation.  But if it's too painful to go back over it, I understand, and you don't have to tell me.

I can't tell how old you are so forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you are a senior citizen you may be able to look into some resources for elder abuse depending on where you live both because he's financially taking advantage and you fear him. I don't know enough about it to know how helpful they will be, but it's worth a try. If at all possible, do not give him any funds and perhaps he will decide that his health reasons plus lack of funds motivate him to mosey on down the road elsewhere.

seekonlypeace, you talk about how he doesn't have any money or resources except what you provide, and that you are afraid of what will happen to him if you kick him out.

This may not be conscious on his part, but in effect what he's doing is taking a hostage and holding a gun to the hostage's head and telling you that if you don't support him, he'll shoot the hostage. The wrinkle is that his hostage is himself... .

Ultimately, it isn't your responsibility to support him, at least morally, and shouldn't be legally, but you have some work to do to make sure you are safe there.

Elder abuse in California (my state) can be by anyone (including one's self) against someone 65 or older. I'm glad you're meeting with a counselor for support. Leaving (even temporarily) without a plan can result in added danger upon return.