No Reason to Stay...so why am I still here?

[Sara Waters]

I don't have kids. I could realistically walk out right now. He screamed at me to leave so I wouldn't be abandoning him. I'd be doing what he asked. Yet here I stay. Cowering in the darkness trying not to make a sound. Hoping his mood swings back. Hoping he's too drunk to remember wanting me to leave. I used to stay because I didn't have anywhere to go. But I worked hard to change my life so I would have money to leave at any time. Yet here I stay. He's getting worse. He refuses help of any kind. I truly know in my heart that I will spend the rest of my life living in fear and isolation unless I do something about it. Yet here I stay. Tomorrow morning it will be like nothing happened. In the morning I'll make the coffee, spend the afternoon being told I'm horrible person and spend the evening pretending to be asleep. It's been 23 years of this. What is it going to take for me to finally do something? What is it going to take to get my life back?

[Pook075]

That touched my heart and I really feel for you.  I don't know what I can say since you already know the answer, nobody deserves that kind of abuse and you must leave immediately.  Yet you can't.

All I can share is there's a completely different life out there just waiting for you once you walk out the door.  That's the life you're meant to live and I hope you build up enough courage to embrace it someday.  Never forget that you deserve to be happy and loved.

[elmtree]

I’m only 2 years into a marriage and I’m planning my out. Having a very hard time with the idea of leaving out of guilt, but I gotta go. For some reason I’m taking my time trying to get her onboard with this in hopes she can get herself together to be successful once I’m gone. I think I care too much.

[Sara Waters]

All I can share is there's a completely different life out there just waiting for you once you walk out the door.  That's the life you're meant to live and I hope you build up enough courage to embrace it someday.  Never forget that you deserve to be happy and loved.

Thank you tremendously. I've been so emotionally shutdown for so long. This actually made me shed a tear for the first time in a long time. I really needed that.

... in hopes she can get herself together to be successful once I’m gone. I think I care too much.

That's a huge factor for me. He can't hold down a job. I don't think he can qualify for an apartment. I guess he won't until he has to. Until he can't rely on me to support him financially anymore. At least I hope so. Again, it's been 23 years for me waiting for him to get himself together. Try not to do the same.

[Stuck2023]

It's been 23 years of this. What is it going to take for me to finally do something? What is it going to take to get my life back?

You seem to want to, from the tone of post. You know you don't want to be treated like that and don't deserve it. No one does. There is better out there.

You mentioned concern about his ability to cope without you like holding a job. The easy answer is that its not your problem once you've left; but that's always felt like a hard statement to apply to someone you presumably really care for or cared for in the past if no longer. Personally I try to think of it that some people will only learn the hard way, by hitting rock bottom.
On the other hand, sometimes I'll try and 'handover' to other people in advance - warn any caring family or therapists so THEY can put in place the safety net that I can no longer offer, if they think its required. At that point if it fails the responsibility is not mine, I tried my best (which is all anyone can do). That one is more difficult though as you have to be very strong in your decision, so they can't persuade you to stay, and if no one wants to step up sometimes I end up leaving it to the hard way anyway - but again at least I tried.

[Pricklypickle]

I think that one of the most beautiful things a human being can do is doing the thing that makes them feel fear in every fibre of their being because they know it is the right thing to do.

I hope that your partner isn't suicidal and that the worst thing you fear by leaving is that they'll hit rock bottom and have to find a way up. And even in cases of people who talk about suicide, I've heard it stated that no person, not even a parent or a son or a spouse, should lead an imprisoned life because of another's person suicide threats.

There are systems to help people. It is never a single person's responsibility to rescue anyone else. Especially not when they have already tried everything and nothing worked.

[ForeverDad]

He screamed at me to leave so I wouldn't be abandoning him. I'd be doing what he asked. Yet here I stay. Cowering in the darkness trying not to make a sound. Hoping his mood swings back.

Domestic Violence (DV) is not limited to the visible physical harm.  It includes threats and intimidation.  Even if the uncontrolled rants and rages aren't directed at you, and surely some of them are, being exposed to a scary environment is so damaging.  Some of it may not rise to the level of being legally actionable, but all of it is harmful, especially longterm.

An exit sooner would be better than later.  You need time and a safe place to recover.  And recovery is a process, more than just an event.

This is about your needs, your mental health.  He's an adult, let him (or government or social services) take responsibility for his welfare.  It's time you take care of you!

Do you have local support too, a counselor?

[livethequestions]

Sara Waters,

I relate to your questions so much... I ask myself the same things every day. Why am I still here, why do I stay? What is it going to take for me to finally up and leave?

Like you (and elmtree), a huge part of it is that I'm really worried my spouse's life will basically fall apart if I'm not there for financial support. I have waited and waited for them to get their life together, always thinking it was a temporary situation and would get better, but it hasn't, and it probably won't.

I have to learn to be okay with the fact that, yeah, maybe their life will fall apart. Maybe they won't be able to find a place to live, despite earning a decent salary (they just spend it all on frivolous things within a few days). And it's not my problem... even though I'm sure I will be told by my spouse, time and time again, that it is. That it's all my fault.

And then, there are the threats of suicide. And that's terrifying. But as Pricklypickle said, even that... isn't our responsibility.

[ForeverDad]

Like you (and elmtree), a huge part of it is that I'm really worried my spouse's life will basically fall apart if I'm not there for financial support. I have waited and waited for them to get their life together, always thinking it was a temporary situation and would get better, but it hasn't, and it probably won't.

I have to learn to be okay with the fact that, yeah, maybe their life will fall apart. Maybe they won't be able to find a place to live, despite earning a decent salary (they just spend it all on frivolous things within a few days). And it's not my problem... even though I'm sure I will be told by my spouse, time and time again, that it is. That it's all my fault.

And then, there are the threats of suicide. And that's terrifying. But as Pricklypickle said, even that... isn't our responsibility.

Yes, they're adults. They are responsible for themselves. They could do better, but they don't, they fritter away work opportunities or their income and then expect you to come to their rescue and save them over and over.  There's an illustration told here... The drowning person, you jump in and drag them to safety, then they jump in the water again and start screaming for help, again and yet again.

Over in our Topic discussing The Bridge there is a post there about The Backyard Black Hole.  (If you haven't read The Bridge, then please read it too.)

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole

In short, no matter what you do or say to comply, appease or whatever, there is little if anything you can do to help long term ... unless your spouse wants and tries to improve herself.  Only a very few can do so without experienced guides by means of intensive therapy.

As for your situations of husbands expecting you to fix everything... yes, they might flounder and in rare cases do themselves in (but that's quite rare since if suicide threats haven't been successful until now then such threats were more likely to be ploys to manipulate and control you). Odds are they will get along and survive somehow. Maybe they'll turn to social services and welfare, maybe they'll find other gullible women to enable them. In the final analysis, it's always been their choice - to succeed, fail or whatever.

[livednlearned]

What is it going to take for me to finally do something? What is it going to take to get my life back?

Small steps. Brave ones, like typing in the dark how you feel to friends here.

Abuser logic would say there is no reason to change under the current conditions. He doesn't have to work and you are there to kick. He can do anything, say anything. There are no consequences.

Getting better under these conditions may as well be zero.

It is hard for many of us with codependent traits to admit that we are trying to rescue or save or fix or help the wrong person.

Maybe it is us we need to love.

Of all the pain my abusive ex rained down on me, nothing hurt more than accepting love from friends.

You might find it less painful to be treated badly than step into the light where you have to acknowledge how lovable and deserving you are.

If so, I promise you that you can handle it 

[ForeverDad]

What is it going to take for me to finally do something? What is it going to take to get my life back?

Small steps. Brave ones, like typing in the dark how you feel to friends here.

The first steps forward on a better path are the most difficult ones.  Your confidence will grow and your steps easier as you continue on that path going forward.

[Amethyste]

When you finally decide to leave you will regret you didn't leave sooner. That's an even scarier thought to me. Regrets over time wasted are terrible to bear imo. So don't waste any more time you deserve better. You were not put on this earth to take care of him that's his moms role not yours. And who is taking care of you? Neither of you.