The Bridge (Fable) - Edwin H. Friedman

[Violet719]

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted

from life.

"You can't always get what you want." Hardly anyone does. But you can sometimes make a good life anyway.

He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other.

I do know this other. She is part of me; I gave birth to her. That child is still in there, no matter who she seems to be now.

We have to ask ourselves "How will it help her if I go down with her?"

She carries my grandchild in her arms. If I can hang on long enough, the grandchild may be able to pull himself up. If I let go, they will both be lost.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

Free hands at the price of a permanently broken heart. 

Not everyone will come to the same decision.  Not everyone has to.  There is no right answer that fits all.

[Violet719]

lbjnltx,

Sorry if my reply came across as argumentative. I didn't mean to criticize anyone's view of BPD or their choices about how to respond.  It was also clear who the author is. 

There are many ways to respond to this dilemma, and many points that could be open to interpretation, which is probably why the story was written in the first place. It's a story that may fit for some, but not for all.  I only meant to make the point that it's OK to make a different choice.

[lbjnltx]

Yes Violet,

It is ok to make a different choice.

Instead of losing yourself in the chaos and pain of loving someone with BPD we can learn skills, stay centered, have compassion tempered by healthy boundaries.  We can create the most loving environment in which our beloved children can choose to heal.  We can show them what healthy living/healthy thinking/healthy choices look like by modeling these for them.

The point is...if we lose ourselves and can't be there for them in a healthy way how could we help them.

In your case with your precious grandchild...he needs you to be ok for him now...even if his mother chooses not to help herself your stable and loving presence in his life is extremely important. 

She carries my grandchild in her arms. If I can hang on long enough, the grandchild may be able to pull himself up. If I let go, they will both be lost.

There are many ways/ideas/beliefs that we may have to let go of...it is not necessarily a "cutting them out of my life" action.

We may need to let go of the idea that we can change them, control them, are responsible for their thoughts, feelings, behaviors.  We may need to let go of rescuing them.  We may have to let go of guilt in order to heal and learn to take care of self.

Let go of whatever keeps us stuck.

When your precious grandchild is able to pull himself up, he will need people to reach for.  He will need you to be strong, wise, loving, and healthy.



lbjnltx

[Thursday]

Not everyone will come to the same decision.  Not everyone has to.  There is no right answer that fits all[/quote]
thanks for reminding me of these things.

thursday

[pattyt]

I had two different therapists (who had talked to both my daughter and me, just short term) tell me, "let go of the rope".  I'm not sure if they were referring to this story or not.  I think they meant that I should realize that I had to relinquish my struggle to control this situation with dd over which I had no control.

I now have a new therapist who I have talked to for a bit longer than the others and more extensively.  She told me that I am a lighthouse.  Not controling the situation but providing some safety in warning against the rocks.  But then I came up with a better metaphor for my particular situation (perhaps this will help others, too).

When my dd was younger she used to go rock climbing, not really on cliffs but in a gym with high walls and handholds to pull up on.  My role was the belayer.  I would hold the safety rope and watch as she worked to find a pathway to pull herself up to the top of the wall.  If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

So, no, I will not let go of the rope.

As of now, my daughter is struggling but she is still trying to climb.

This is a role I can feel comfortable with.  I am the belayer.

More here on belaying:  www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belaying  

[lbjnltx]

If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

What do you do to keep yourself strong enough to keep your hold on the rope?

lbjnltx

[pattyt]

If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

What do you do to keep yourself strong enough to keep your hold on the rope?

lbjnltx

I do have a therapist now, and that has helped.  Helped me to wrap my mind around all this and helped me to set some healthy boundaries with dd.  :)h and I have a strong and supportive relationship.  I have good friends.  I work and have access to excellent health insurance for me, dh, and dd.

My dd doesn't live with me and so I don't get the day-to-day drama.  Usually, it's short bursts of drama now and again as dd and her boyfriend go from one crisis to another - some small - some larger.

They really are trying to get their lives on an even keel.  Complicated by the fact that bf has many health issues including lymphoma, too sick to work and will soon lose his health insurance.  :)d working 2 jobs and still not enough money to live on, so she's stressed by this as well as her own mental issues.

Life has kicked them around and continues to.

My task is to love and support them emotionally without letting them drag me into the hole with them.  

Dd is not dead-weight on the rope.  She is climbing, trying to find the path.  If she slips I choose to be there to break the fall.  I am strong enough to do this, because the belayer is not only attached to the climber, she is securely anchored to the floor, as well.  

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful pattyt!

When we are healthy ourselves and have strong and healthy boundaries then no matter the weight on the other end of the rope...we are strong enough to hold firm and not fall ino the hole with them.

When we are not strong enough...that is when we may need to let go ... even if temporarily while we learn skills, gain understanding of them and ourselves, and become strong enough to pick up the metaphoric rope and lead them (or drag them ) towards better lives.

lbjnltx

[AnnMargret]

My BP husband's therapist told me about this story and so I went looking for it and of course I found it here on bpdfamily! 

• Why did the man take the rope from The Other in the first place?  Curiosity?  Intrigue?  Perhaps.  When you meet an "other" on a bridge, they can be pretty charming and charismatic and by the time you're holding that rope it pretty much doesn't matter anymore!
  
  
• Why him?  "The Other" didn't jump off that bridge until he had someone to hold the rope.  The rope was just long enough to keep both from dying, but too long to allow the man on the bridge to pull The Other up to safety. Presumably, The Other was able to size up the person to whom he would hand the rope and knew before he jumped that he wasn't jumping to his death. 
  
  
  • Why did the man on the bridge hold on for as long as he did?  So-called "vested interest"?  Maybe.  Does it matter?  Probably not.  What matters most is that in order to make it to that opportunity which awaits, he has to resolve this situation one way or another.  His plan would have saved both men, but it required the commitment of The Other to work and he would be forever stuck there holding that rope if he were to wait for that.  Instead, his decision emancipated them both.  
    
    

[Cat Familiar]

Having cut loose my first BPD husband, who would alternate between suicidality and abusiveness, it turns out that he was fully capable of swimming until he could find the next person who would pick up the rope.

[betterdays3]

The Rope Story-from God's mouth to my ears! Couldn't have come at a better time! Thanks! <3

[ForeverDad]

While some persons with serious mental health issues (we here in this peer support focus on the acting-out "Cluster B" Personality Disorders) do respond to therapy and substantively improve their behaviors, many refuse, blame shift or outright deny a need to improve.  This analogy may help you, the reader, to determine which path to take going forward...

The BLACK HOLE Analogy

This is one of my favorites, and I have reminded myself of it over and over.  Simply a reminder to prioritize your own needs and not throw 'everything' down a black hole that cannot be filled:

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up.

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else.