Hi there,
Not sure what to write, but after reading "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," I have come to realize that my partner almost certainly suffers with this disorder -- and I suffer right along with him.
What's ironic, is that as part of his gaslighting he insisted a few years ago that I was the one with sociopathic behavior or of having a personality disorder. Given my tendency to dig right in and "fix" myself in order to "fix" him, I read some stuff at that time, discussed it with mental health professionals, and came to the conclusion that I most certainly don't struggle myself. Somehow, though, in looking so intently at the possibility that I might have BPD, I missed seeing it in my partner.
I actually began doing trauma recovery with a great therapist about seven months ago to deal with childhood trauma that had unexpectedly surfaced in a big and scary way, and one thing led to another. So that's how I'm here.
The abuse with my partner has never been physical, but I've tolerated just about every other type described in the book. It's hard to do my own healing while still trapped in the constant cycle of me trying to manage my partner's rage and blame, and it's been made soo much harder being stuck at home together due to COVID.
At any rate, as the title shows, I'm certainly at a place where my own recovery and healing has to come first. If the relationship survives that would be great, and I know I need to be exceptionally careful about signalling that I will abandon my partner, but I also need support beyond a once-weekly therapy session.
I'm just so glad this place exists.
My best,
Luna's Papi
P.S. Luna is my beloved 12-year-old mutt who's kept me relatively sane
You need to focus on you before you do anything. Im trying with that plus my health stuff going on
