If your SO suddenly was "Cured", how would you feel?

[maxsterling]

Playing purely hypothetical here:

I'm starting to recognize/worry that if my W was suddenly "cured" of BPD and mental health problems, it still may be difficult to rebuild a functional relationship.

When my W has a few good days or weeks, it feels like a "relief" to me, and I feel I need to then jump on that time to take care of myself.  I feel like I have to force myself a little to spend time with her.  I wonder how this would feel if she were suddenly "cured". 

I think I would have a lot to process with myself.  I would need to heal from some hurt.  And I might feel betrayed that W is ready to move on while I am still processing.  Plus it may feel like starting over with a new person.  Plus, the person I fell in love with *was* disordered, even on good days, and the disorder was part of the relationship dynamic, no matter how unhealthy that is.   Then there is the rebuilding of "trust".   How long before I trust the change?   

I guess my thought is that I would need considerable processing time and adjustment to the "new normal".

How would you feel if your SO suddenly was "cured".  Do you think it would be as simple as jumping for joy and living happily ever after?

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[mstnghu]

This is an interesting question. I think for me, maybe 3+ years ago I'd be thrilled and I'd be ready to forgive and work toward building a new life with my wife. At this point in my life though, I'm not there anymore.
A relationship of 13+ years with her has caused me to become checked out. I don't have the desire to improve the relationship anymore. As of right now, we're actually separated and I've been living at my parents' house. In the time I've been gone she's been seeing a therapist and is reading all sorts of self-help books, started a new fitness program, etc. She's trying daily to convince me that she's a completely different person and that if I move back home everything will be different.
I just can't bring myself to believe it and I also just don't have the desire or motivation anymore to move forward with her. So, in my case, if it was suddenly verified to me that she was a completely "cured" person, I still think I'd continue to be checked out of the relationship.

[maxsterling]

mstnghu-

I hear you there.  I've thought about this often.  If my W and I were to separate, I think it would not take long for me to recognize my regained peace and make it hard to go back.  I sometimes say that if not for the kids, we would be separated, but on the other hand if no kids it would be easier now to have my own space and things might not feel so engulfing. 

I also think if my W were suddenly "cured" it would make a transition to separation easier. 

[khibomsis]

My expwBPD entered therapy/DBT for the third time six months ago. This was the third therapist, but this one is a specialist and really good. It led to our break up which was an entirely sane breakup. We have been LDR for three years and she finally came to the self-realization that it would be too stressful to migrate. I couldn't but agree.
It was sad but I am inspired every day by the way she is getting better. I would rather choose her health over our relationship any day. For both our sakes

[Notwendy]

I would also choose someone's recovery over the relationship if that were the choice. While BPD causes difficulty in the relationship, I think it truly causes difficulty for the individual and I would be happy to see someone not have to deal with that.

The person with BPD may have a disorder, but often that person is in a relationship/family that had adapted to a pattern with this person. When one person changes, the other members of the family/relationship may feel a shift in the dynamics between them. They would have to change their part in it too.

It's an interesting question because I've read that two people choose each other because somehow they emotionally "fit" even if it's difficult. My best guess is that some relationships would thrive after a readjustment on both person's parts, and for some, it might not fit as well.

[GaGrl]

My DH was married to his uBPD/NP D ex for over 30 years, the last 11 years separated. Her behavior was egregious over those years, sometimes illegal. Her constant and blatant infidelities began 18 months into the marriage, and violent episodes with boyfriends resulted in several arrests. During the marriage, she never admitted any fault or need for therapy. When DH and I began a relationship, I asked him, if she had sought help, whether he could have stayed in the marriage. He said his belief in her ability to change/improve was so low as to be non-existent -- as well as the fact that physical intimacy after her sexual history was "repulsive." (She is a very, very beautiful woman.)

So interestingly enough, she has been with the same fellow for a number of years. He is, like DH, a Nice Guy. He recently reached his limit and told her he would need to separate (they never married) if she did not seem therapy or psychiatric help.

And she did!  She just turned 66 years old. DH, my stepdaughter, and I were shocked.

I'm not sure how well it will work out, but her BF is committed to staying because she did seek help.

[Cat Familiar]

Let’s define cured.

As partners of individuals with BPD, we experience behavioral patterns that impact our lives and which we judge to be detrimental to both ourselves and our partners.

Many of these patterns have been ongoing for years, perhaps several decades and have become habitual responses to certain situations and stimuli.

Habits, as we all know, can become intrinsic and automatic, and extinguishing them takes mindfulness and much repetition, and even then, the ease with which they automatically occur, without our conscious awareness can be frustrating.

For the sake of convenience, let’s divide these dysfunctional BPD signs and symptoms into internal and external. For internal, we have emotions such as anger and depression, repetitive thinking, self loathing, etc.

Externally are all the acting out behaviors which so obviously make our lives unpleasant.

So what exactly is cured? Is it having an epiphany that these unproductive emotions are no longer useful or needed?

And then, how does that impact external behavior and frustration tolerance? We all have experienced habitual behavior patterns that seem difficult to eradicate.

And how does having a grand epiphany affect the individual’s sense of self esteem after a lifetime of treating others poorly?

And for the partner, is it fair to expect to do a giant delete and empty trash function and turn a new page on the relationship without ever addressing the personal consequences of experiencing that behavior?

[mstnghu]

And how does having a grand epiphany affect the individual’s sense of self esteem after a lifetime of treating others poorly?

And for the partner, is it fair to expect to do a giant delete and empty trash function and turn a new page on the relationship without ever addressing the personal consequences of experiencing that behavior?

This is a very good point. Recently (of course, after I moved out of the house), my wife suddenly has had lots of epiphanies regarding her behavior. Her self-awareness has actually really surprised me. She's even apologized for many specific instances of nasty things she's said and done to me throughout our relationship. I'd been waiting for this awareness for years and all of a sudden here it is...but I feel it's too little, too late.
She keeps insisting that we need to start over with a clean slate and forget about all the toxic interactions we've had throughout the years. How does one do that? I have come to a good place where I'm not harboring resentment and bitterness toward her and I just want to move forward with my life. I can't imagine just pretending that none of that stuff has any affect on our current or future relationship though and that it hasn't influenced who I am as a person now.

[tvda]

That's a really interesting question... For me it comes down to: what would cured mean? What person would be left? Someone without the lows, but also without the highs? Who would that be?

I think most of use, when thinking of 'cured' imagine someone that has lost almost all the bad stuff, but kept all the good stuff. But maybe someone who is really cured will be very different in the 'good stuff' as well.

They might even become so stable that they want to re-evaluate a lot of their life choices including the relationship with you. And let's be honest, we have grown accustomed to a dysfunctional dance with these people. The dance could be very different with a 'cured' BPD.

So... Interesting question. No clear answer from me, except: this person might very well not end up being the unicorn we imagine them to be.