I was ghosted - but then something happened

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex pwBPD scrapped me six weeks ago. There were no blow ups, he never loved bombed or cut me down as I read happens. It was a few months of good humoured fun, although we lived across town and both have demanding jobs so get togethers were scheduled in advance, never spontaneous. Then he ghosted. I asked for an explanation as to why but he only sent a few cryptic texts then vaporised. Of course I was gutted. Finally I learned through mutual friends that he was dx wBP. He had behavioural therapy for it, but it seems the intimacy itself was his trigger.

What's been tough, he hasn't left me in peace for a week since. He's followed me all over the internet, broken into my email box and changed the password more than once. We met on a romance site and three times this month he somehow accessed my account, deleted emails from men with their phone numbers and changed my profile photos around. Each time I've called the help center and they restored my profile.

I started seeing a counselor and it's good, he's warm and avuncular. I purposedly chose someone who's treated pwBP so he would have knowledge about the condition and would help me put things in proper perspective. He said pw BP can't really heal through CBT or DBT alone. He said those short-term treatments bring to mind the saying, "The operation was a success but the patient is still dead." He's rather funny, and peppers his talk with stories from the Greek gods.

He said further that pw BPD need some behavioural tools to start, but beyond that they need to re-experience the childhood trauma and process it in the safety of therapy. So the most effective treatment consists of behavioural tools, guidance through grieving, interactive talk therapy for 1-2 years and mindfulness practices help too. Also if they are using addictions as salve to their wounds of course this will get in the way of their healing. I never saw him hammered but he remarked a time or two that he put away too much.

The counseling sessions are helping me to grieve, strengthen myself and get my head clear from the experience. I'm not standing still. I'm re-committing to my career goals and dating again. On that score it’s low key, but it's time to make new friends and beyond that who knows. I'm of the mind set, swim fast or die.

First, thanks for listening. Second, can anyone provide insight as to why, when it was he who cut and run, he won't leave me be so I can get on with things? Does he have an end game, or is he just tapping off his own pain, or is it impossible to say? This still leaves me scratching my head.

[spacecadet]

My ex pwBPD scrapped me six weeks ago. There were no blow ups, he never loved bombed or cut me down as I read happens. It was a few months of good humoured fun, although we lived across town and both have demanding jobs so get togethers were scheduled in advance, never spontaneous. Then he ghosted. I asked for an explanation as to why but he only sent a few cryptic texts then vaporised. Of course I was gutted. Finally I learned through mutual friends that he was dx wBP. He had behavioural therapy for it, but it seems the intimacy itself was his trigger.

What's been tough, he hasn't left me in peace for a week since. He's followed me all over the internet, broken into my email box and changed the password more than once. We met on a romance site and three times this month he somehow accessed my account, deleted emails from men with their phone numbers and changed my profile photos around. Each time I've called the help center and they restored my profile.

I started seeing a counselor and it's good, he's warm and avuncular. I purposedly chose someone who's treated pwBP so he would have knowledge about the condition and would help me put things in proper perspective. He said pw BP can't really heal through CBT or DBT alone. He said those short-term treatments bring to mind the saying, "The operation was a success but the patient is still dead." He's rather funny, and peppers his talk with stories from the Greek gods.

He said further that pw BPD need some behavioural tools to start, but beyond that they need to re-experience the childhood trauma and process it in the safety of therapy. So the most effective treatment consists of behavioural tools, guidance through grieving, interactive talk therapy for 1-2 years and mindfulness practices help too. Also if they are using addictions as salve to their wounds of course this will get in the way of their healing. I never saw him hammered but he remarked a time or two that he put away too much.

The counseling sessions are helping me to grieve, strengthen myself and get my head clear from the experience. I'm not standing still. I'm re-committing to my career goals and dating again. On that score it’s low key, but it's time to make new friends and beyond that who knows. I'm of the mind set, swim fast or die.

First, thanks for listening. Second, can anyone provide insight as to why, when it was he who cut and run, he won't leave me be so I can get on with things? Does he have an end game, or is he just tapping off his own pain, or is it impossible to say? This still leaves me scratching my head.

[Skip]

My ex pwBPD scrapped me six weeks ago. There were no blow ups, he never loved bombed or cut me down as I read happens. It was a few months of good humoured fun... . Then he ghosted. I asked for an explanation as to why but he only sent a few cryptic texts then vaporised.

A few months and then poof? It sounds like "Match.com" at its finest. Dating in 2017 is a often a myriad of parallel connections tracking to different timelines. People have to put a lot of irons in the fire and they don't heat up in any predictable pattern.  When someone more exciting comes along, poof, our new found interest is gone. This is really common in the first months of going out. It is the downside to the upside of having so many options online.

Or, he had broken up with a girlfriend and they got back.

I don't know, obviously, but what you describe is, unfortunately, often a function of these things or some variable of these things.

What's been tough, he hasn't left me in peace for a week since. He's followed me all over the internet, broken into my email box and changed the password more than once. We met on a romance site and three times this month he somehow accessed my account, deleted emails from men with their phone numbers and changed my profile photos around. Each time I've called the help center and they restored my profile.

This is very personal type of "crime" and not at all typical of what one would expect after a light hearted couple of months and then a "ghosting". This is more the behavior of a spurned lover who either had your passwords or knew you so well that they could guess them. Sophisticated websites Match.com (and bpdfamily) use  cryptographic hash functions published by the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) which is a U.S. Federal Information Processing Standard (FIPS) for banks, etc. Hackers of these security systems are usually state sponsored.

Can you elaborate on this? What happened and how do you think it happened? Breaking into accounts that you changed the password on is extraordinary.

can anyone provide insight as to why, when it was he who cut and run, he won't leave me be so I can get on with things? Does he have an end game, or is he just tapping off his own pain, or is it impossible to say? This still leaves me scratching my head.

I've been reading member cases for years... .this is doesn't seem right to me either. I'd be more inclined to think that this is behavior reserved for someone who spurned or someone you humiliated or someone who is "messing with you" in retaliation... .which you say in not the case.  Is there anyone else possibly in this? Did he have a girlfriend that might be wanting to "pay you back" for what he might have said about you?

[pearlsw]

Hi sed2011,

I know how painful it can feel when someone invades our privacy online. I've had my old emails dug up out of an old account and then used against me in painful ways. I've tried to change passwords to sites only to find that later I am locked out of my own accounts by the other person who changed the recovery email to his. It made it very difficult for me for a long time to even feel like I could write out my thoughts. I still live in fear, but I try to not obsess over it and live as normally as I can.

I also had to report a therapist once who asked me out at my first therapy session and then kept texting me and asking me out!  It was really uncomfortable and obviously unprofessional. I was in a new state and had no idea where or who to turn to. I was trying to get a little help after a painful breakup and this happened! Yikes! I have always worried that this person could find me online since he obviously knows it was me who reported him. I had to just come to terms with the breakup myself after that. I didn't want to see a counselor for a long time after that. I didn't really want to report, but I worried what might happen to a really vulnerable person who had gone to this therapist, and frankly I worried for the therapist too and hope he was able to get help and get clear about his boundaries after this. I'll never know. That brings me to the notion that there are some things in life that are simply unknowable.

"Not knowing" can be painful at times, but focusing on yourself and getting the support you need via this new therapist shows you are pointed in the right direction - going forward to a healthy and happier place!