Recent breakup

[uncertain22]

I just read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which was recommended by our couples therapist who I am now seeing on my own. But as I read it, I wonder, was it my partner who had BPD or is it me? Some things ring true about her: extreme disproportionate anger, difficulty self-regulating emotionally with regard to anger and anxiety. But there's not much else that applies and she says that the relationship with me is the first time she has exhibited such behavior; and she has a lot of friends, many of whom are very close to her.

[Julia S]

That sounds like denial.

Suddenly they have all these friends who have known them and got on well with for years. Any thought of mental illness or the need for therapy must be in your imagination.

Hmm... .that's denial and gaslighting then.

I got this exact same thing.

You could ask about her parents. If she has BPD/NPD she will likely readily tell you about their shortcomings, and how at least one of them let her down.

But it may be that she has minor BPD traits rather than a serious disorder.


Let's establish whether you have BPD. Remember, if you've interacted even for a few weeks with someone who has, you may feel like you have those symptoms yourself because they will have been projected onto you while you adapted your behaviour doing the treading on eggshells thing.
So have a think not whether you have any of the symptoms, but whether you have those emotion and mood swings to the exclusion of all else. It's OK to feel angry or high or a bit depressed, knowing that it's a passing feeling, and that in a while you'll feel calm. It isn't OK to feel one of those things is you forever. Then for that mood to change and something else take over completely and uncontrollably. Of course you feel emotional in a relationship, but do those emotions make you hate yourself so much you can't bear the pain of it?
I think that's the difference.

[Julia S]

And friends often don't know. It isn't until you cross a line of emotional closeness that these behaviours get directed toward you.

Any failings in previous relationships will also be attributed to the other partner. The pwBPD is never at fault - unless they suddenly plunge into self-hatred, in which case they'll tell you how useless they are.

[Skip]

Hi uncertain!



I noticed that you are on the Detaching Board which is primarily for members who are out of a relationship for a month or more and trying to let go. Are you wanting to be finished or do you still hold out hope to get back together?

To answer your question, extreme disproportionate anger, difficulty self-regulating emotionally with regard to anger and anxiety could be BPD or not. She could also have BPD tendencies. Think Narcissistic Personality - we all know people who have narcissistic tendencies, but don't have Narcissistic Personality.

A lot of the tools and self care techniques are taught here and will help in cases of BPD and also in cases of BPD tendencies.

What motivated you to buy and book?

Skip

[Julia S]

I'd like to add that my previous comments were personal, because I identified with the situation, or how it was described.

However, it's a big deal to make an amateur diagnosis. I did so with my friend because I have some experience in psychology and also a long term friend diagnosed with BPD, another personal friend who is a retired psychiatrist, and another a former psychotherapist with personal family BPD experience, plus several psychiatric nurses. So I didn't come to that conclusion on my own, or with the help of a book.

Skip is absolutely right. There is a big difference between having BPD or NPD traits - which to an extent we all have - and being above the threshold of severity of symptoms to be diagnosed with the disorder. Sometimes you've just caught someone at a bad time, or the situation of being in a relationship has highlighted things that could do with being resolved.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi uncertain-

I too welcome you, and I'm sorry you're in a place where you've been subjected to extreme disproportionate anger, and folks rarely find this site because they're having a great day, we're usually very hurt and confused when we get here, but the good news is we understand and you're not alone.

I'm curious, Stop Walking on Eggshells is a book for people in relationships with borderlines, and your therapist recommended it; was there any discussion as to why, or who it was supposed to be for?  :)oesn't sound like it because you're now wondering which of you the therapist was referring to, which is common BTW, when we're in a relationship with someone with a mental illness or traits thereof, and we're committed and trying to make it work, we can begin to question ourselves in the face of confusion, inconsistency and chaos.

But in the end the diagnosis doesn't really matter, and we can't diagnose anything anyway, it's the behaviors and how they affected us that matter, and more importantly, what we're doing about it now.  What you're doing is seeing a therapist, reading a book, and talking to us, very proactive and good for you, and you posted here a couple of hours ago; how's it going for you right now, as you read this?

[uncertain22]

To answer a few questions: how long has it been since the breakup? It depends how you count. She was away on a trip and I think decided then but waited until the couples therapy session to tell me. So if that's the "official" date, it's been about two weeks.

The therapist recommended the book implying that she was the BPD. I wanted to stick with this therapist for myself because I wanted to talk to someone who had seen her lose her temper and overreact to things because I'm not sure if I had unreasonable expectations. I am generally calm/laid back but I'm also not good at talking about my feelings so when she was angry at me for failing to communicate, I realized that that's how i was contributing.