So depressed

[cal644]

I have been doing everything I think I can to get out of this funk - It's been 4 months now since I filed for divorce from my UBPDW - I've been excersizing, going to theropy with my theropist and pastor, hanging out with family and friends, coaching my daughter softball team, reading on why this happened.  I feel like I'm doing everything I can but can't get out of this funk - the depression is getting worse (yes I'm on meds) ... .  It feels like my life has been ripped apart - The loving husband, caring father, outgoing person I was is gone - I don't know who I am?  I loved the person I was - but now my life is shattered knowing she hasn't loved me for years, chose a texting friend over her family, and she has no interest in even trying to work on the marriage.  I have my good days but latly they seem fewer and fewer.  I need help - any ideas please.  For the first time in my life I even have stupid thoughts (I would never act upon them) - but thoughts of how to get rid of this pain.  People keep telling me it will get better - but what if it doesn't?

[hellnback]

I have been in your shoes my friend. It has been 2 years sinse my divorce. 15 years of marriage and over 20 as friends. She left me the same way and I felt (still do at times) the same way as you.

I don't think the pain ever really goes away. You just learn to cope with it. My belief that God has a different plan for me helps. Know that you are still the person you loved. You're just in a transition.

Your stbexw is not the person you wanted her to be. That's ok. She has her path and you have yours. Follow your path and let her follow hers. And I know you still love her deeply. I love my ex too. But to love someone means to let them be who they are.

The woman you thought she was is gone. She probablly only ever existed in your mind. Hard to accept this. But once you realize that you will start to feel free.

[Cumulus]

"I don't know who I am" , my answer to that was, I was whatever my xBPDh needed at the moment. I was his nurturer, rescuer, provider, confidant. When that was gone, I was empty. A pretty big hole to fill. And I don't think it will get better without a lot of work, a lot of time. I don't think there are any shortcuts, and if there were if it would be wise to take them.

[ScotisGone74]

I'd just like to say cal through all your posts you sound like a real standup guy.  With what your doing it sounds like you are on the right track, but like many have said a healthy recovery from this takes a good bit of time.  I know it hurts immensely, but she has made her choices, let her live with it.  I know the stupid thoughts you had thought about and I did it too, but its a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Unfortunately being the adult in the relationship means we are there to support/love our kids in the face of all adversity. 

Here's a list of ideas to just help you out for the time being, I know some may sound a little kooky but really they seemed to help me:  take a vacation-go somewhere you have never been but always wanted to go, call up an old lost friend you haven't spoken to in a long time to see how they are, go get a massage or a pedicure, take your kids out to eat, go to a nursing home on a sunday for church services, join a shriner's and volunteer for sick kids at a hospital. 

Honestly I can say I felt exactly like you do, I just hurt so &# bad I couldn't take it, look on these forums and find someone who is hurting and see if you can give them any advice.  Hang in there. 

[rogerroger]

... .  It feels like my life has been ripped apart - The loving husband, caring father, outgoing person I was is gone - I don't know who I am?  I loved the person I was - but now ... .  

I think I can understand your feelings, here. I had really allowed my sense of self-worth to get tied up in thinking of myself and my value as being tied to my role as her husband, as the father-counterpart-to-mother, etc. I had learned to relate to others as someone who was married (notice how we think of married friends differently from unmarried friends? well, this applies to ourselves, too). So for many of us the challenge we face is nothing less than the construction of a new self-image and sense of self-value. When you say your life has been ripped apart, you are exactly right. You can't pick up the pieces because some of those pieces have been blown away by the wind.

For me, I try to remind myself that I am the only one who decides who I should be. Every day I face the challenge of having to make the choices that define who I will be today. This is sometimes frightening, but it can also be empowering. It is a challenge, but it is also an opportunity. I often feel less depressed when I can see it more as opportunity than as challenge.

[lockedout]

... .  It feels like my life has been ripped apart - The loving husband, caring father, outgoing person I was is gone - I don't know who I am?  I loved the person I was - but now ... .  

I think I can understand your feelings, here. I had really allowed my sense of self-worth to get tied up in thinking of myself and my value as being tied to my role as her husband, as the father-counterpart-to-mother, etc. I had learned to relate to others as someone who was married (notice how we think of married friends differently from unmarried friends? well, this applies to ourselves, too). So for many of us the challenge we face is nothing less than the construction of a new self-image and sense of self-value. When you say your life has been ripped apart, you are exactly right. You can't pick up the pieces because some of those pieces have been blown away by the wind.

For me, I try to remind myself that I am the only one who decides who I should be. Every day I face the challenge of having to make the choices that define who I will be today. This is sometimes frightening, but it can also be empowering. It is a challenge, but it is also an opportunity. I often feel less depressed when I can see it more as opportunity than as challenge.

This is pretty much where I am. The initial rush of being on my own and not under her thumb is wearing off. I was hoping the depression was gone, but I think this is part of where it starts. My only identity was as a husband and father. The friends I had after I alienated the ones I had before I was married were "our" friends. Now they are "her" friends. Not a single one of them has called to find out how I'm doing. The locks were changed on the house right after I moved out and I haven't even seen the house in over two months. I don't want to see it after some guy drove into my garage right in front of me while I was explaining to my toddler son why I couldn't open the door so he could go in. I loved my house and miss living in it. My entire life has been wiped clean like a dry-erase board. I don't get to drive the nice car or live in the house. I just get to pay for them as I watch my savings slowly dwindle and try to keep track of the bills coming at me from all directions.

On the other hand, I am going to a support groups - this one and one at a church. I'm running a lot and probably in the best physical shape of my whole adult life (38 yrs old). I've made friends through these activities. I've dated a little - hopefully new friends will come out of that as I slowly learn what intimacy and companionship is supposed to be like. I know to take it slow and there won't be another search for the one anytime soon, if ever. I'm looking forward to a long weekend to visit a friend and his wife; flying out tomorrow then we're going on a road trip for St. Patrick's Day. I can't really say what's in the future; I'm just hoping that the trip will give me a second wind for when I come home.

[mango_flower]

I'm 4 months out too, and feels like I'm sliding backwards. You're not alone.

It takes us all different amounts of time to get over it.

It shakes up your core belief systems - everything.

I too am going through the motions, "fake it til you make it" type thing, but some days it feels futile.

Keep going, just keep pushing on... .  there are testaments here that we WILL get there x

[seeking balance]

I am 3 years out and 1 1/2 years past the divorce.

My life is calm, I am happy and balanced (most of the time).  Do I miss my old life?  sometimes, yes

But, my life has a new normal... .  I am creating a new normal.  This is no different than a spouse dying - we go on, life goes on.

There are no short cuts in this process - and sometimes I literally wished I could go into a new relationship and simply keep my blinders on - eye opening is an understatement at describing this process.

I read this quote in the book Cross Roads - seems applicable here:

"The hurt is real, and true.  Trust me.  Transformation without work and pain, without suffering, without a sense of loss is just an illusion of true change."

Trust - this too shall pass - you will be changed, but it will be ok.

Peace,

SB

[spaceace]

Cal644,

Brother, I am here with you as well. Tomorrow would have been my 4 year Anniversary. I am struggling a bit with it. Not that I want my wife back. More than anything in this world, I am 100 percent clear, this was a very toxic relationship that I willingly - let her take me to places that I would have never gone on my own.

I was a solid citizen who cared for her children and mine. I have custody of my kids, so we had a BIG family all living together. I was in heaven! I loved being a dad and a step dad!

I have a great job and make good money. I brought it all home and didn't bring anything negative into our life. I was proud being the responsible, stand up guy who was a positive example of what a man should and could be, for her 3 boys. It meant the world to me to be in their lives.

It's been 4 months now and she is gone. She has moved and I haven't the slightest idea where she is.

To say I miss my life that I was living would be an understatement.

BUT... here are the positives, for me.

I am a musician. I nearly gave up all my tools to create - upon marriage. I am now rebuilding my life and I am knee deep in creating a new recording studio, buying the guitars and drums I want and here's the rub, there ain't no one busting my apples!

And I am re-connecting with my kids. Which is key. I really turned away from them in ways I did not see in the moment. It has been a hard 4 months, but the time I have spent with my kids has been invaluable and I am just so thankful they all love me the way they do! I'm a lucky dad!

It is okay brother to be sad. It's okay to be lost. It is okay to hurt so deep inside. These are all emotions to sit with and not fight.

Here is the thing, be gentle with yourself. Take it easy with your thoughts and try making some new memories to replace the old ones. It helps. Take some time out to find the things that make you happy and do them. Whatever it may be. Even if it's just getting a coffee and a paper and reading it while you sip away. That is how I started. And slowly, I realized, I wanted a rich and fulfilling life and I was not going to allow my wife to take away my happiness both in the moment and in the future. Like you, I'm a good guy. I have love to give. Maybe not in the moment, too soon, but I am not going to let this stop me from being happy.

I will heal. So will you. You will be okay. You have a family here... reach out, and let go... everyone here will look out for you and you can always reach out brother... okay... .   

[spaceace]

I should have added this to my last post. I found this article on bpdfamily. It's a really good article that may give you some insight. It helped me understand my wife to some degree, and helped me understand myself and why I was stuck feeling so lost and hurt.

Maybe it will help you as well... .  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

[cal644]

Thanks all - I know people tell me it will get better - my wife told me during one of her honest moments that she has always just been a shell of a person.  For the first time in my life I think I know what she means as now I feel like I am just a shell of a person  :'(

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks all - I know people tell me it will get better - my wife told me during one of her honest moments that she has always just been a shell of a person.  For the first time in my life I think I know what she means as now I feel like I am just a shell of a person  :'(

You might walk through hell, with the worst thoughts in your head, because a 'way out' seems so pain relieving. And sometimes, days seem to last longer, hurt more, even though it's been already quite a while. And believe me, i've looked down on the water and thought, jumping would relieve me of my pain i'm carrying at the moment. I didn't do it though, unfortunately I'm not sure if i'm strong enough a next time.

I do however know I had a few good moments today which I would have missed if I pulled the plug. Sometimes, sometimes, when life s*cks so bad, you gotta enjoy the really really little things.

Peace brother.

[fakename]

Cal,

I don't reall have any expertise or similar experiences to be able to provide any help.

Only thig I can say is remember not to be too hard on yourself and make sure you take a moment every now and then throughout the day to pat yourself on the back, be proud of yourself and acknowledge progress you've made and are making. Even if you think it's something small.

[HarmKrakow]

Cal how you doing today?

[cal644]

today is a great day! - you know this morning I woke up and said screw it - if she doesn't want me in her life - that's ok - I'm a great guy and any woman would be lucky to have me.  I realized why would I even want someone in my life who doesn't love me and isn't even willing to try.  I went excersizing this morning, took a walk this afternoon - visited with the attorney for the final asset/liability settlement.  Its been a good good day!

[ScotisGone74]

Really Glad to hear your doing okay cal.  for me its been a good day or two, then a probably a not soo good day or two.  I guess thats kind of just how it goes.  I think that all true recoveries from this are going to be choppy.   

[fakename]

i'm glad to hear that cal.

i've been doing well the past few days, but still think about her often. last night i woke up a couple times after having mini dreams of her causing me some sort of stress, and i just kept thinking to myself, is this really how i want to spend the rest of my life?

i'm really happy she's not in my life any more, and i'm just looking forward to getting all this behind me and moving on and for the day to come when i truly dont care

[HarmKrakow]

Glad to hear your stories on that you guys cuz i still feel like slipping away, work is only what keeps my head at bay. Am currently lying in bed trying trying to fall asleep but it aint working, and then you keep thinking about her... Every so now and then every 20 minutes you feel worse.

[fakename]

harmkrakow,

you need to let go.

the only pain that comes is if you tell yourself you're gonna take her back.

go through the lessons, spend time on the personal inventory board.  they work.

for once, take care of yourself the way you took care of her.  you dont want to spend your life living like 'this' and 'this' is all she can give you.

find yourself. find hobbies. push yourself constantly mentally and physically. i'm getting into the best shape of my life and it gives me something to be happy about the release of endorphins helps big time.

let go and move on and stay through to your commitment and things get better slowly, day by day, but you must have no turning back, no deterrents in your progress and one day it'll all stay in the past.

make the decision because you truly haven't yet.  you're waiting for a recycling.  make the decision to never take her back no matter what. there's no need for any more words to say to her, they fall on deaf ears, and it doesnt matter because she is all about her and her needs, not yours.

[mssomebodynice]

The advise I get from reading these threads is priceless to me right now.  Our stories have so many commonalities.  I am just consumed with pain at times.  I go over and over things in my mind.  I am asking myself how crazy I am?  How could I possibly want this push/pull for the rest of my life?  The good is so amazing, like they say, it's like a drug.  The bad is so crazy.  I am scared that I will finally be free from him and then meet another BPD.  Each time I was lured in, I was slammed.  I really want out of the crazy making.  How do I get out of it?  How do I stop thinking that this person with all their insanity could ever become the right person for me?  Yet I do.  Intermittently, I go from hating how they have hurt me, to completely loving them again?  I feel pathetic. 

:'(

[cal644]

I still have those days/moments too ... .  times that I hate her for what she did, times I hate her for using me all these years, times I cannot beleive this is not a nightmare.  But then I have those times that I'm like why would I want to go back to that, times I remember how I was treated like dog s&%$, times I wanted love and didn't receive it.  Every day I am LC I do better, everyday I live for myself I do better.  I will NEVER understand how her mind can be soo messed up ... .  but I'm starting to realize that it is her loss - not mine.  I keep telling myself over and over - she has a mental illness... .  nothing I could have said or done could have helped her ... .  They say they need to hit rock bottom before they get help ... .  maybe I'm just helping her put that rock to her leg so she will think what did I do... .  what's wrong with me.  As for me - I have finally realized she is not comming back, I am painted so black because I filed (her choice by actions/and things said) but yes I filed!  I realized that some other woman deserves to give and receive my love to - one who can appreciate it - and one who can love me back.  I can only imagine what it will be like if a new woman shows me 1/2 the love I show her - I will be in heaven!