I think I hate my BPD step daughter

[ZenHen]

Hi, I’ve never posted. I’m new to the group. I’m at my absolute wits end with my husband’s borderline daughter. She is hell bent on getting us apart and making me hate myself. I’ve learned as much as I can about the disorder but it doesn’t help me in the moment when she is attacking me. Now I’m finding myself feeling angry and hateful even when she is trying to be nice. There is so much damage done and I know even if she is nice now it won’t last. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid she will get what she wants and I’ll have to leave because I have kids too that I feel I need to protect from her. I have so much guilt and shame about these feelings.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elizabeth22]

Hi ZenHen,   

Welcome to the site, I don't post here a lot anymore but sometimes I read and this one caught my eye.

I am sorry you are going through this. We have a DIL who we believe is uBPD. My husband and I are both in therapy because of the chaos in our family and his therapist is convinced she is BPD.  Parts of my story with her are around here on the boards if you feel like reading them.

Like  you, I have feelings of hate and anger toward her.  I am not ashamed of these feelings and I don't plan on doing anything about it. She had recently tried to reach out to me thru my son and says she wants things to be 'normal again' and wants to 'get along again'. I said no, I am done with the absolute insanity and having to live with all the damage she has caused to me and others in my family, and continues to cause and will cause again.

I guess maybe people come here to work thru these feelings and try to deal with the BPD person in their/our lives, but I decided I don't have to. Her mental illness is her responsibility, it's not my job to constantly deal with her, try to manage and navigate thru situations she causes then do it all over again. I do not believe these people are as helpless as we are led to believe, I think they know exactly what they are doing and how it affects people. I just make myself unavailable to her, I don't know if that's an option for you. My husband's therapist, and my own, back this 100%. They don't ask us to understand her, they tell us not to put up with her. 

My son gets it now and has a separate relationship with me. She's done awful things to him and his son (from a previous relationship, my oldest grandchild). She has done terrible things to her son, her child with my son. I do not have a relationship with that child because she will try to manipulate it. These are choices I make and I don't feel any guilt, because I am not obligated to accept or tolerate an abusive person or any ripple effects from that person. I am allowed to be free of that person.

I just want to say its OK, you don't have to feel guilt and shame for perfectly valid feelings. 

All the best,
Elizabeth22 

[squirrel20]

Hello,

I can relate. My 27 year old step daughter is BPD and it took us a very long time to figure it out.

I really cannot stand her. While I do not want to see her get hurt by her horrendous choices, she has destroyed our extended family relationships, with lies and the poor me stories.

Her dad and I are one in this. We took a stand against her behavior and are now seeking help from a specialist to assist us with her behaviors. Probably the biggest issue is getting the bio parent to see the pattern of behavior and accept what it is.

To be blunt, a BPD can really make you angry and hate. If I could put all her pictures away, I would! However, we won’t allow her in our home after her last round of behaviors.

If you and your husband can’t form a team to help her, it’s difficult and we were once there before we figured this out.

Be tough and firm. You must protect yourself from their destruction. And I know how that feels when you mention her trying to come between you and your husband. My victory came when my husband finally told our daughter that her attempts to alienate me would not work...ever.

She has successfully alienated us from our family, but her days are numbered as her behaviors become more and more pronounced.

Hang in there.

[incadove]

Hi ZenHen sorry to hear these behaviors are affecting you and your relationships so much - that hurts.

One thing I think it helps to remember, is that your uBPD stepdaughter is probably also hurting very deeply and is using these behaviors as a way of lashing out.  Which doesn't excuse them or make it so you should tolerate them!  But sometimes one thing that can help I've found so I don't feel regret later, is to try to treat parenting as a professional thing, and sort of try to act in the way I can be most proud of or happy with myself for acting.  Its very liberating to decide, I will be kind at this moment because I want to; I will not tolerate this behavior and I will say so and set a boundary because I want to and I think it is correct.  And then once I am able to protect myself, and I can set all the boundaries I need, I can find ways to be caring in a genuine way because I'm protected from getting hurt myself. 

My situation is different because I am strongly bonded to my dd and also I have put a lot of boundaries in place and expressed myself about things that bothered me, and my dd does always try to be kind but has lashed out or severed relationships out of her pain.  People act in different ways and if they act in purposefully hurtful ways they will damage relationships.  But if you are able to make enough boundaries then it can help to try to feel you are doing the best you can to be a parent to someone who is sort of suffering and doesn't know how to handle it, and is doing wrong things.

Hope that makes a little sense!  Take care of yourself, for sure.

[Panda39]

Hi ZenHen,

Are you and your husband on the same page when it comes to how you react to your step-daughter's BPD behaviors? How is the relationship going between you and your husband? Is your step daughter under 18 or over? What kinds of behaviors are you struggling with most?  Is Biomom in the picture?  What are her thoughts? Solutions? Is anyone seeing a Therapist for support or treatment?

It's tough being a step-mom in the best of times but even more so with a BPD step-child  know you are not alone many of us here are either step parents (BPD or not) or parents of BPD children. 

There is a lot of support, ideas, tools and information that the members here can share with you.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[WickedStepMum]

Hi Zen,

Sometimes I feel the same about mine… on her worst days she is lazy, rude, dirty, messy, ungrateful, unappreciative, entitled, spoiled, just a total, all-around bitch.

On her best, she the opposite. Thoughtful, entertaining, kind, SMART (although she’s smart when she’s at her worst too, but in wrong way), generous, SO FUNNY, hard working, (still messy).

Don’t feel bad.

[CoCoTO]

Hello … I’m new to this board and found it by googling “I hate my bpd step daughter”. I have to say it was such a relief to find others who feel the same way, some without guilt. I’m almost at my breaking point and am tired of being the one who is expected to be careful of what I say when it really makes NO difference … she’ll explode anyway. I am starting to read “Stop Caretaking the Borderline …” by Margalis Fjelstad. Some really good messages in it.

[Ourworld]

Hi Zen,

I really feel for you because it is such a burden for you to feel and carry around such a feeling as hate.

I know that you realize that your new husband’s daughter should not come between your relationship, but she is still someone who matters.
Since you read up on the disorder, it sounds like you went into the marriage knowing what you were getting into.

As a start I suggest that you try some counseling with you and the daughter, perhaps with her dad there as a silent partner, so that you can both express your concerns to each other and get on equal footing somewhat.

Please remember, she is deserving of some love and understanding, put away the hate you are feeling, she is managing to ‘push your buttons’ and that is not right.
Her actions are not her own and are related to her illness. But think about your own feelings and actions towards her, which are really from you. If you are harboring anger and hurt, you need to find a way to let that go.
Either go to some counseling for yourself and/or get some together before this implodes.

[CopperLeaves]

Her actions are not her own and are related to her illness.

I have to say something here. PWBPD's actions are their own. They do have agency. This take is dangerous to those experiencing abuse, as it can make you (especially parents!) feel guilty for protecting yourself. It makes it harder for abuse victims to leave, and emboldens the abuser. Some ppl with BPD use this very narrative to manipulate their victims. Some celebrate it in online forums.

My DD is BPD with NPD, and is calculating and manipulative. Everything is deliberate, and she's exposed herself by clumsy words several times. Knowing this HELPS me protect myself and my other kids from her.

I hate these parts of her - Zen, your feelings are completely normal and understandable. If you do decide to leave (not saying you should or not), remember that it's not so she wins - you win by stepping out of a harmful environment. She'll still be as miserable as ever and find someone else to target.

[Ourworld]

Hello Copperleaves,
You cannot tell me that the things people say or do because of a psychiatric illness normal people. I am certainly not saying they are not aware of their words and actions, but what I saying is that their natural mindset is not in control. What you seem to be failing to recognize is the fact that when people have a psychological illness that it is usually due to some faulty wiring in their brains.

Whether you choose to acknowledge this and have patience and understanding that is your own choice.

Dear Zen, I am NOT invalidating your angry feelings, I am merely trying to help you put them in place. And I am also trying to help soothe such an awful feeling of hate. To help you to perhaps get some peace to lessen the pain and effects of such a horrible feeling to annoyance.

Bless you Zen

[once removed]

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders