Not sure where to start

[MindfulJourney]

So... I'm not really sure where to start, and am a bit new here aside from being curious.

We have a 19 y/o daughter with BPD, Major Depresive Disorder, and General Anxiety Disorder, mostly as a result of the BPD.  The good news is, she has known she has had BPD for 3 years via online therapy, and has actively taken steps to help herself.   She checked herself into a inpatient residential treatment facility 7 months ago and has moved from intensive inpatient, to intensive outpatient, to insurance now no longer covering any type of intensive treatment plan.  So this is all very positive and from I can tell, still goes to therapy, still fills prescriptions for depression and emotional dysregulation, and still goes to school.

Now for the painful part.  A month afer moving out, she sent an email stating that she is blocking all communication to her mother and I.  It seems the faciltiies she was at helped her get on food stamps and social services, and she is now living somewhere unknown to us.  She still communicates with her brother and is on very friendly terms with him, she also communicates via mail with her aunt and once in a while her grandparents, but my wife and I are completely blocked off.

On the plus side, we appreciate and respect her making moves towards her indepdendence, but in hindsight, it is extremely painful to think about dropping her off at a residential facility and not realizing that would be the last time we would ever talk to her.  It's definitely painful to walk by her bedroom and see all her stuff in there as she left it and not know what to do about really anything.  A part of me knows it could be much worse, so I try to keep that positive outlook on what is happening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Mindful Journey
This painful scenario is understood by so many people who come here. Yes there are lots of positive things to focus on and yes that fact that she is in contact with her brother, aunt and grandparents is some comfort.

But while these are good to focus on, the gap in your lives is huge and the grief is real.

Just a couple of thoughts . . .you mention having the memory of dropping dd off, and thinking now this is the last time you will see her. Try not to anticipate that this is a permanent situation. Your dd is just 19 and BPD is a long road with many turns and twists. Also the fact that dd has benefited from therapy and has stayed on meds could help her to reconnect with you. She clearly wants to keep connected to the family.

After reading your post I was thinking to myself that of all the mental health issues that people have, this one symptom ie the blaming/cutting off from/accusing etc of the people who have been there, supported them etc, makes BPD one of the most difficult and painful illness of all, in my opinion.

I am the main support of my dd, but I am her target of blame - all irrational, intense emotional blame. And my dd is convinced that she is right.

My dd has not had the support of therapy etc. She is not able to stick with anything. Your dd is doing well with this and I am really hoping that this will help her reconnect with you as the ones who love and have been with her all the way.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  in reading posts, does anyone have any insight/thoughts, opinions as to why BPD kids/adults cut "us" off; it is the one thing that baffles me the most!  My BPD daughter met with my mother & did not even ask about me...the only one she asked about is our dog, which turned into a tirade against me and i wasn't even there!

[Ourworld]

Hi Mindful Journey,

I can relate somewhat to how you might feel. For me, my daughter cut me off after college when she no longer needed my financial support. She did still come to family events; she would not talk with me, but I was still glad to see her.

Last year I cleared my home (got rid of most everything, including family and travel mementos that we keep since I will be going overseas for missionary work. Throwing her things away were difficult and I gave her school years book (where I kept track of all her school years) to my brother because that was something I could not throw away myself (even though she may-that’s her choice).

I tell you this because she probably has forgotten what she had and doesn’t want memories, clear her room, as difficult as it may be, eliminate her ‘stuff’. And if there are things you cannot just throw out give them to someone else in your family like I did.

I’m truly sorry about her cutting y’all out of her life, I know how much that hurts. But at least y’all can take comfort knowing her condition and feeling that she is safe. I did not know why or understand my daughter was cutting me out of her life. Last year it turned out that her husband (who has always kept in touch via messenger to her chagrin), who has severe mental illness from the military, had a really bad psychotic episode and she finally left him after 6 months.
He is now being treated at the VA and we converse a lot, it was from him describing her beliefs and behaviors that I began to realize that she probably suffers from this awful disorder of BPD.

She has cut him off as well and we have no idea where she is living and hope and pray that she is getting counseling and treatment.
She has cut me off for eleven years now.

After learning these things, I now have more of an understanding of why she has cut me out of her life.
1. She is embarrassed.
2. She doesn’t want to burden me with the affects.

Even though her memories of me are highly distorted, I feel that in many ways her doing this is a hidden blessing.

I encourage you both to do your best to focus on your own life and realize that since she does not rely on your financial support, she is now just a ‘part’ of your life.
Enjoy your marriage and do fun things in your life, and if she connects with you deal with her at the time.

Take care and I wish you peace, OurWorld

[MindfulJourney]

I truly appreicate everyone's response.

One thing I have always found strange is that there are no signs of abandonment, and we have always been told that is a major trait.  She is also actually very pleasant and controls herself around everyone except for her mother and I.   Prior to blocking, we would typically get the middle finger in words or via a text message.

[Ourworld]

Hi Mindful Journey,

The only ‘abandonment’ type trauma in my daughter’s childhood was when she was 11 and her father completely abandoned us. She acted and even told me that she did not care. So, I think this can be something they dream up; he was gone a lot for his work and I often went out of state for a week at a time for IT training to keep up with changes. During those times, she most often stayed with my Mom, so maybe she felt ‘abandoned’ then.

My daughter is quite self-sufficient and has even achieved her MBA! I realize I may never hear from her again, but I am thankful for the years I had with her.

I encourage you to be thankful for the time she was with you in her right mind and grateful that she is able to try and deal with her problems on her own. Pray, pray, pray for her healing. I believe that since your daughter is young and on a good healing path that you will hear from her again. You see, my daughter was already 27 when she blocked me and is 38 now, but she has never confronted her problems and had any treatment, YET.

I do encourage you to put her ‘things’ away from her room and set it up as a different type room in your home. Perhaps for a hobby!

I KNOW it hurts, but she is actually doing what you taught her and being a responsible adult, so, in that aspect, you can pat yourselves on the back!

Today’s world is becoming sadder with each passing day during this timeframe.

Hugs, OurWorld