Please help, my bf left and traumatized me

[Orange94]

I feel broken at my very core. I'm sorry this is so long.

During my last year in college I went on a date with a guy in December, after our first date he "ghosted me" for three months and reappeared later apologetically saying he was going through a rough time and begged me to go on a date. I went curiously and it was a lot of fun. After that, he always initiated contact and seemed so emotionally interested in me. We started seeing each other constantly, I even skipped class to see him sometimes 12 hours a day. It felt like being completely swept off my feet. He was 25 and said he'd quit his job back in December and was going to leave in a month to travel Europe. I was bummed and thought our relationship would end, but he wanted me to wait for him and he serenaded me with a lot of gifts. Things were moving quickly but it honestly felt like a movie. When he returned from Europe things picked up speed again. We saw each other constantly again and I mentioned how it felt a bit excessive. I was working a full time job and doing all I could to support myself out of college.

He still didn't have a job, he was living at home and didn't have a car. Suddenly he was sleeping over almost every night. Some red flags, he started to get jealous. He'd accuse me of cheating, once he even threw my phone across the room because I'd checked it during an intimate moment. I called him out on his jealously and he said he'd work on it. I knew something was a little off, but I didn't know what exactly. It's hard to explain, he was SOO good that the bad was hard to see. He was so handsome and so invested in me. He wanted me to meet his family after three months and I remember saying it was a little fast, he kept saying "All my eggs are in this basket" and for months he'd continuously say how he was so invested in me. So I completely let go of my boundaries and tried to catch up in seriousness to him and start planning a future. I'd just graduated, so I got a room in a house not too far from his. I don't know how to explain it, he took me to private beaches, nice dinners, texted me always, got me thoughtful gifts, seemed so interested in my life, we had sex all the time. It felt good to be so adored.

Later it started to bother me that he still didn't have a job, he'd spent most of his days at the beach, doing yoga, smoking weed, and hanging out at his house. His parents started asking him to at least do chores. He eventually got a job, but I feel like it was because I insinuated he needed to. It wasn't a nice job exactly, but it was something. He started to get stressed QUICKLY in this not very stressful job. One day he came home crying, just bursting in tears about how his boss was leaving the job and how he'd miss her and she believed in him. I was confused because they weren't close, but I comforted him. He'd had one other crying fit early on in our relationship after our first argument, it was like grief crying. He apologized and said that's never happened before, I believed him and thought maybe he was just passionate.

After maybe 6 months, he started changing but very subtly. I seemed to be paying for more and his grand gestures and dedication to me started to fade. He had trouble keeping erections. He was stressed at work so we started to argue more, I told him it felt like he was getting too comfortable and I mentioned our sex life and he acted like I was crazy for bringing up a change. I tried to step it up and get sexy lingerie or plan cute dates.  

I was starting to miss having more of a social life and realizing I'd become clingy with him so I started seeing friends more. We started arguing a bit more and on Valentine's Day is when things got really weird. On Valentine's Day, he didn't text me in the morning like he usually does and when he came over he'd just printed out a picture of us and handed me a soda from his work fridge. I was disappointed that he put in no effort. He said he'd cook me dinner, but that he forgot his wallet and I'd have to buy groceries. I started to get upset because he did nothing. I was super disappointed, but not abnormally so. Then, he told me that I was being emotionally abusive because my expectations were too high. This caught me off guard and I started to feel really bad, he then got up in a rage after gritting his teeth angrily and saying that he deserves better and got up and ripped his shirt off like the hulk just shaking. I tried to calm him down and he went to sleep, I was shaking in fear and confusion. I had never seen him be aggressive, so it must be me right?

The next day he was hugging me all lovingly and I left saying we needed space. I saw a therapist the next day, a bad one, and tried to see if I was being abusive and review my actions and see what happened. I didn't talk to him for a few days. We were supposed to meet up and talk and he refused to answer my calls for a week. During this time my great grandfather died and I started to just miss him and wanted to know if he'd be there or not. We eventually met up, but he was STONE cold. He didn't apologize, he said that I'd hurt him so much and I ended up apologizing just trying to get him to stay. I felt like I must have been to blame.

We got back together, but I was extremely hesitant. I started walking on eggshells watching my tone and trying to be better, but I think I was still scared that he'd acted so aggressively. He kept saying how things were much better and he was optimistic, but I had my doubts. He'd bought me flowers and I tried to get back into our routine, but on multiple occasions I'd ask him if he felt differently or if he wasn't into it anymore maybe we should part ways. He kept saying how he wanted a future with us.

The end got weird. Suddenly, he would burst into tears. When I tried to mention our lack of sex or intimacy, he'd say how he didn't feel ok with his body and I was pressuring him too much. I tried to explain I cared about him, but missed intimacy. We usually had sex once or twice when we saw each other, at this point we'd go weeks without. He then cried and would say "you're such a sweet person I wish I would have listened to you". Days later, he would snap at me if I asked him to cuddle me. The few times we did have sex during this stage, he became very aggressive scratching me, turning my face away, chocking and still he would have a hard time ejaculating.

In the end, he woke up one day with tears in his eyes saying how he felt spiritually connected to me and he wanted to write me a poem because he was so filled with love for me and that I was such a kind sweet person. Days later, he refuses to cuddle me and in the morning after I call him out on it he bursts into tears crying saying he felt abused and not ok with his body because of me. I didn't know what to do, I told him maybe we shouldn't be together if he felt I was abusing him because that wasn't okay. I tried to reason with him. He then told me I was his dream girl and all he wanted and not to worry because we'd be having lots of sex soon.

That very night, he picks me up in his car and is a different person. Stone cold again, refusing to look at me, acting like I'm a random girl on the street. He's driving quickly and upset saying that we're arguing like "israel v palestine" and everyone at his job is stupid and I'm a bad gf for not noticing that he isn't okay. We argued, but really not that much. All of our arguments were about his behavior and me trying to asses what was going on, he was different, but not admitting it. I was started to feel terribly insecure. I tried to talk calmly and asked him to make a pros and cons list and he said the only pro about me were the gifts I gave him.

The next morning I couldn't take it anymore, I told him I was coming over to talk and even if we did break up, we spent a year together and owe it to each other to talk respectfully. When we met up, he was back to his calm loving self. He said he was sorry he pushed me away and wanted a future with me. He was super affectionate, almost scarily so because I told him I didn't know what he wanted or how he felt. He sort of laughed and said he wanted me. He was all over me, I gave in. I missed intimacy so badly from him... I had hope.

The next day, he came over and cried for maybe 10 hours straight on and off, at everything. I asked if maybe being around me wasn't a good idea, I was blaming myself and he said I made him feel safe. He cried about movies we watched, cried about how much he loved me, he cried about his grandma that died a year before, he cried when I asked him if he should go home. I was so confused, I tried to help him eat and even said we could go yell in the middle of the forest if he wanted.

The next morning was Monday and he refused to go to work I said he should call a therapist. I went to work and he took the day off and scheduled an appointment. He thanked me for being his biggest support, his rock, and his stability. He told me "You're all I want and need" and booked a hotel for our anniversary that weekend.

Feeling traumatized, I asked him if he felt safe around me and started questioning if it was ok for me to be around. He was accusing me of abuse and I was internalizing it, I felt like I was to blame. I thought of all the times in the past where I was immature or annoying and blame myself. He got upset and started crying asking me to leave him alone. I stopped calling... .but was highly concerned.

I don't hear from him, so I decided to text his mom (he lives at home) to check in. At this point it'd been three days of him not going to work. His mom seemed really calm and said "oh he's at the doctor, he's just getting rest and recovery". I decided to go over, I confirmed with her that I'd come at 4. At this point my ex hadn't answered, but we were still together. On my way there he texted me "Hi thank you for checking in, maybe I can talk in a few days". I was already going, anxious, and wanted answers.

When I arrived at his house, he pulled up in his car after me and no one else was home. He was carrying a bag of prescription pills and was mad I saw them. He told me I violated his privacy for showing up unannounced, and I tried to let him know I'd called and wanted to see if he was ok... .he looked at me like I was dirt... .a dog... .days before this guy was saying he wanted to marry me. He refused to talk to me and kept telling me how he had a support system and didn't want me in it and that our relationship was unhealthy. I agreed, but asked for clarity about what was going on (he'd been a wreck the last few days and emotionally unstable, super push and pull). At this point, he gets angry and starts saying LEAVE GET AWAY FROM ME, WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME. I was stunned, was this really happening? He said I was trying to control and manipulate him and that I was just making it worse. He then gets in his car to drive away and I stupidly, but calmly just kept saying "hey, i'm going to leave, could you just give me clarity" and he drives off, hitting me with his car door in the process. Afterwards he calls me yelling saying "you are toxic and so is this relationship, i'm done, we're done, if you don't leave i'll call the police". After that he removed me from all social media and told his family not to talk to me. I haven't heard from him since. I also found out I believe he's reconnected with an ex.

It made no since to me and I started to seriously question and fear myself, I became really depressed and started therapy. I had PTSD, I started blaming myself and seeing if I'd been abusive or if I deserved someone threatening to call the cops. It's like, I knew our relationship was going downhill and I wanted out, but it's like he took it to the extreme and told everyone I was crazy. Please help me. Why do I blame myself so much, why do I miss him still, he's blocked me from everything and blames me. I haven't reached out to him and don't want to because I feel like I'll never get closure. He never apologized or explained. The only thing I can think of is maybe he told his therapist I was abusive and to go no contact, which is what I probably should have done? I think he had a prior history of BPD and mental illness that he was able to hide. I'm not sure why I feel so traumatized and confused. He just was the most loving guy in the world, tears in his eyes saying how much he loved me and then BAM he's gone and threatening to call the police on me. Everyone in his family seemed to love our relationship and always told me how happy I made him, then bam.

Sorry this was so long but does any of this sound familiar? HELP  There is no clarity. There is no closure. I just have to accept it and its hard. Before all of this I was really confident, top of my class, got a great job in my field, hard working, had healthy boundaries but somehow I got into this cycle. It's weird because I agree, our relationship started to become unhealthy... .but mainly because of him. The way he fled me and blocked me made me feel to blame and it has been psychologically hard on me. To my knowledge, he has no prior history of abuse that I know of. But he has a pattern of falling hard for girls, not having direction, making impulsive choices like quitting his job and traveling, and falling into a sad state. I know I have my own issues, like I feel like this relationship became co-dependent. He somewhat isolated me after filling me up with this intoxicating love and in the future I need to keep my boundaries up HIGH and not drop them so quickly, but I've never ever in my life been called abusive and I have worked with my therapists, group therapists, a lot of people trying to figure out whats wrong with me and it just feels like this guy conned his way into my life and I was vulnerable bc I was graduating college and looking for a next step in life.

[once removed]

hi Orange94 and

what a whirlwind. fast, furious, and an explosive ending. your pain is palpable. i remember after my relationship ended (traumatically as well), i compared it to a tornado coming in and out of my life. i didnt even know where to start to pick up the pieces.

it gets better. it will really make a difference that youre seeing a therapist. how is the therapy going? what are you focusing on?

it will also help to keep posting, reading, and responding to others; there are so many benefits to a support group (im a big fan of this community) and you dont have to go through this alone. we will walk with you every step of the way.

[Orange94]

Therapy has been helpful. My therapist and my mom who is a therapist and many other mental health professionals say it sounds like he is BPD along with possibly another mental illness. Some days are very difficult because I have this sense of blame. He was a very nice, sweet guy, who maybe I idealized too because he just presented himself as being so perfect. It was like he was the most faithful and dedicated guy, who was also super attractive. But some things weren't making since like his lack of a job... .or many friends... In reality, he was an entitled guy who thought he didn't need to work and lived off of his parents who were growing tired of him and just asked him to start paying rent or leave. I learned that people with BPD sometimes tend to project.

The hardest part for me is, accepting my faults in the relationship while also reminding myself that nothing I did caused him to be unstable. I know sometimes I was unhappy and insecure, I think this was while he started devaluing me. Sometimes I snapped at him, but I always apologized. Lately I've been beating myself up over any of the times where I was over dramatic and wondering "maybe this caused him to dislike me".

He would tell me I wasn't enjoyable to be around when I was sad or that he liked us when we were "happy". He had a hard time understanding that arguments can be healthy and productive. It felt like dealing with a child throwing a tantrum... .him ripping off his shirt, speeding in his car, talking through gritted teeth, threatening to call the police because he didn't want to talk in that moment... .like he had no ability to see how his actions were problematic and escalated responses. It made me feel like I must be insane, especially after he COMPLETELY abandoned me days after saying I was all he wanted. It was so so confusing and still is.

[Orange94]

I have a lot of self hate right now, I feel like I must be to blame for his extreme responses to me. I feel dumb for letting down my guard and letting him come into my life without deserving to. I feel dumb that I was so desperate for love and because he was cute and seemingly obsessed with me that I found that endearing. I couldn't resist, he knew all the right things to say. Looking back, he was just feeding off of me, my ambition, and my energy. I don't know if he even liked me that much. I feel dumb for always hoping for the best in him and thinking it'd get back to that stage at that start. I feel bad because clearly he was suffering in some way and I didn't know what to do and may have made things worse for him. I feel so bad for him, but don't give myself any of that compassion. I also feel rejected because the way he left was awful. I feel guilty for asking him to validate that it was ok for me to be around because I was so confused, me asking him that made him break down. I just feel so bad and don't understand.

[once removed]

The hardest part for me is, accepting my faults in the relationship while also reminding myself that nothing I did caused him to be unstable.

... .

I have a lot of self hate right now, I feel like I must be to blame for his extreme responses to me.

this can be a really tall order. when my relationship ended my self esteem was crashing. many of us (about 80%) arrive here in a state of depression. with all of that going on, its really hard to separate what are valuable lessons to be learned from a sense of catastrophic failure and beating ourselves up, which, while somewhat natural, is not constructive. often times our minds replay the relationship (sometimes from start to finish, or sometimes fixated on certain aspects or events) as a reaction to trauma, but the problem is, there can be so much brain and emotional fog that, at least for me, it was impossible to see the forest through the trees, and my narrative of what happened changed many, many times.

maybe put "fault" (and kicking yourself) aside for now. taking stock of what has become useful to us is a latter stage of detachment. there is hurt that must be grieved and wounds that need your attention and mending. everything got a lot easier for me when i focused on fully grieving.

what do you think?

[Orange94]

maybe put "fault" (and kicking yourself) aside for now. taking stock of what has become useful to us is a latter stage of detachment. there is hurt that must be grieved and wounds that need your attention and mending. everything got a lot easier for me when i focused on fully grieving.

what do you think?

You are right, I'm tired of blaming myself. I feel like I'm struggling with the lack of closure. It doesn't make sense. Even if he didn't want to be with me anymore, why did he have to become so angry and hate me? It was heartbreaking, no one has talked to me like that before. Like I was nothing and had been nothing when days before he was clinging to me for dear life and professing his love for me through tears. I didn't even have a chance to apologize for anything I did wrong, he just vanished. What makes it worse is he lives 10 minutes away from me. I deleted his number from my phone and removed any pictures of him, but it makes me feel awful that he forcefully removed me from his life. He's usually so calm. Maybe to get away from accountability? Idk but it makes me feel like I'm dangerous to be around or destructive if he took such drastic measures against me and treated me that way. I'm looking for truth in all of this insanity.  It gets me nowhere. I know my faults and I just wish I could write him a letter and get closure, when I asked him at his house for closure he got even more upset and said "IF YOU NEED CLOSURE WERE DONE IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE" what is that? who does that

[once removed]

I just wish I could write him a letter and get closure

a lot of members have found it especially therapeutic to write unsent letters. all kinds of letters. in fact we have an ongoing thread here, you might give it a try: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321858.0

when was the last time you spoke? i know you mentioned monday, did all this go down this week?

[Orange94]

Its been over a month. I've gotten better, I'm not having panic attacks, but this week I started to slip slightly back into depression. Especially knowing he is probably doing fine and has most likely moved on. Writing has been somewhat therapeutic, but knowing there is nothing I can do makes me feel hopeless. The fact that he has no remorse frightens me. He did this all before our anniversary, which I spent alone. Shortly after, I had a panic attack and went to the hospital... .a mutual friend told him and he had no emotion and just said "ok, tell her parents thx". The level of disregard of me makes me feel terrible.

[pearlsw]

Hi Orange94,

I dated someone for a little over a year. He used to self-harm (would punch himself in the head which was shocking to say the least) and would fly into rages - though thankfully I was never the target. He would be very high and low, I just thought he was overworked. He was an incredibly active, intelligent, vibrant person.

He felt a lot of guilt and shame for his behaviors.  He told me within one week he would never ever break up with me, to breaking up with me - forever. I was blindsided. I was desperate for closure and I never got it. I never even got a reason for the breakup.

Looking back I realized it was likely because I had to take a job out of town and it must have triggered abandonment fears. I’ll never know.

All that to say, there is just going to be a lot here that your logical mind will want answers for. You can theorize, but it’s good to get to place, in time, where you can accept the uncertainty, the not knowing, and be okay with it. It takes time to process such traumas. We're here with you!

with compassion, pearl .

[once removed]

The level of disregard of me makes me feel terrible.

i can imagine. it would make me feel isolated and invisible. i would say that doesnt really have anything to do with fault, or you. its a coping style. i know thats of cold comfort, but i found learning more about the disorder, realizing others had similar experiences to me took a lot of sting out of things and helped me depersonalize some things that were very hurtful... .detach from the wounds.

[once removed]

I've gotten better, I'm not having panic attacks, but this week I started to slip slightly back into depression.

i wanted to add, healing and grief arent linear. expect some crazy ups and downs, and use the tools here to help you cope as they come, and ride out the storm (which does get easier over time). sometimes after some of that fog starts to lift, some of the pain that our psyche wasnt ready to process starts sifting in, and it can feel like things are getting worse. its all, in fact, a part of, and a sign of, healing.

[Orange94]

Yes, you are right. Grief is not linear and if it were, that would be way too easy. After the chaos of his accusations, irritability, anger, sadness and him breaking down into a psychosis of sorts and then leaving me in a rage... .I finally had silence to face what happened and break it down piece by piece. It disturbed me and made me so uncomfortable to see the mind game he'd played on me, intentionally or not it still hurts.

I realized I never allowed myself to feel anger for things that should have been enough for me to leave. After he ripped his shirt off like the hulk, I should have felt angry he put me in danger. I should have felt angry he withheld intimacy and treated me how he did. I did not seriously hold him accountable and forgave too easily giving him the benefit of the doubt and now I just wish I had been able to get it all off my chest and for him to listen. I'll have to accept that I won't get closure.

His pattern is typical of BPD, he met me... .vanished for 3 months... .reappeared with a whirlwind romance and broke down... .then vanished again but worse. This happens to a lot of other people here and I don't have to feel so alone.

I theorize that maybe, he thought I was going to leave him after I saw him with medication and I mentioned the word "closure" and he started to freak out even more. Perhaps he thought I was going to leave and did it first. I have no idea... .

[In a bad way]

Orange94

I know exactly how you feel, I can still not come to terms with being wiped out of my ex's life and never heard from her again.
For me it has been two years, I can't imagine I will ever come to terms with it.
You mentioned maybe so he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions, that is a good point which I have read many times on here.
I told mine via text as she wouldn't discuss things in person a lot of home truths about her behaviour, all of which I had tried to tell her in a nice way many times, this time I was very blunt and not too nice about it, that was when she told me to never contact her again.
So I think you are right about not taking accountability, also I think once they know you have "sussed" them out they just disappear without trace as has been mentioned as a way for them to cope, and I also think shame on their part.
It's very hard to say the least to be just wiped from existence like that, like we were nothing.
Also in my case anyway I was driven insane by her actions and she didn't like it when on the odd occasion I shouted back and told her how it really was and not how she saw reality. Then she accused me of being abusive, like you I feel guilt and take blame but I remind myself that her behaviour for no reason caused me to react and not the other way around.
They will not accept blame and it is never their fault and in the end they run, maybe before we do when they know the game is up so to speak.