Bpd and dating sites

[Unique135]

Hey,

So my ex and I were talking for a week and we decided to meet. I knew that he was a member of a dating site. As the time to meet got closer he started to visit the site more often and longer. The day of our meeting, I canceled indicating I am not able to do this anymore and get hurt. He usually would meet up, then return to a dating site and become distant. He claimed I am breaking up with him, even though we were not officially back together. He claims he is only seeing me but spends hours on the dating site. I told him to come back when he only wants to be with me and nobody else. He gave me the silent treatment like always... .

Did I overreact? Should I have given him yet another chance? He keeps telling me that he is not seeing anyone else but why spend so much time on a dating site if he can instead talk to me... .

I feel bad now... .

[hurting300]

I have often read that dating sites are infested with people that have borderline personality disorder. I found out my ex BPD girlfriend had 5 dating sites. They crave and need attention.

[Unique135]

You are right, I have witnessed that too.

[Emhain]

My husband, I later discovered, always kept profiles on at least 3 dating sites. He never met with anyone, but spent countless hours soaking up the attention from complete strangers.

Did you overreact? I guess that depends- can you be in a relationship knowing that he almost definitely continue membership at dating sites? If you can, great! But if not... .it doesn't sound like he's willing/able to recognize that it is a problem for you and he will probably continue.

[tbddbt]

What's very telling is that you "feel bad" for canceling. Do you think he would ever feel bad for doing the same thing?  There's nothing to feel bad about for standing up for yourself. He's given no indication that he will ever act any differently.

[aeron]

This is a situation that I know quite well. Did you overreact? No, I think your boyfriend maybe has invalidated your feelings, which led you to question this anger. If you felt betrayed and hurt, then that is a legitimate feeling to experience after finding him "sucked" into a dating website.

People with BPD, even though they are not always cognizant of their own actions, lack empathy and can inadvertently or even purposefully make you feel crazy. My partner of 12 years (married for one year) shows traits of a cluster B personality disorder and/or BPD, and he has been addicted to hookup apps and dating sites throughout our entire relationship.

He deletes the profiles sometimes, but shortly rejoins them, chatting and sexting with people, and occasionally has met them in person (but claims to never have sex in a physical sense) There is no single explanation for why he cannot stop participating in these emotional-cyber affairs. But, some real possibilities that you might find clarifying are:

(1) he has low self-esteem and needs to prey upon other people to inflate his ego, and thereby live out sexual or romantic fantasies, (2) he knows that his presence on these websites aggravates me and uses it as a tool for pulling my strings, and controlling me or (3) he is worried that I will leave him and uses the websites as a safety net to avoid emotional trauma.

Due to the above dilemmas, an individual with BPD that doesn't seek treatment and shows signs of a cybersex or Internet addiction, will not stop doing it. Truthfully, its been over 12 years and my partner does not think there is anything wrong with these behaviors. Unfortunately, I am emotionally abused and too far entrenched in this relationship to just walk away (but participating in weekly psychotherapy to regain my self-esteem).

Really, dating websites and adult-themed or hookup apps are perfect storms for people suffering from BPD or cluster-B personality disorders. I am a social science professor and have considered writing an empirical research article on this issue, even though it's not my area of expertise. Research helps me to wrap my head around this chaotic relationship. Anyway I hope you were able to glean something from my experience. I don't want to scare you, but also want you to be aware of how complex these romantic issues can be, if indeed your ex-bf has BPD traits.

[FigureIt]

I found my uBPDbf had a profile on match.com about 6 months ago. I deleted it without his knowledge and I have recently found he put it back up. I am not alright with this and this is one reason I will be ending the relationship in the near future.

[aeron]

I found my uBPDbf had a profile on match.com about 6 months ago. I deleted it without his knowledge and I have recently found he put it back up. I am not alright with this and this is one reason I will be ending the relationship in the near future.

Good for you! So, hopefully you're visiting the "Leaving" board for some advice? I am not quite there. Evolving, but not there yet.

In the past, I have deleted profiles and even used digital forensics to catch him doing these things when he denies it. Yet, it becomes for him a betrayal whenever I confront him and he projects this wrongdoing onto me. Makes it seem like I'm paranoid and emotionally abusive. Likewise, forget it if I block the websites or apps! Again, it's my fault and I am being controlling in his eyes.

In the past, I also have reacted in a negative way (when I didn't realize he had a personality disorder). I retaliated with a extremely short-lived affair of my own. Now he tells everyone that I am a cheater ALL THE TIME. Even my family doctor, friends and family members.

Btw he says really awful things about me to these guys at the dating and hookup sites, e.g. calling me ugly and he isn't physically attracted to me! Keep in mind that he has gained an unhealthy amount of weight during our relationship, has been expelled from multiple colleges and cannot keep a job for more than six months   Meanwhile, I have generally remained in good shape and constantly worked, even through grad school. At the same time, I frequently tell him how much I love him, find him attractive, encourage him to finish college and so on.

Plus, I have no idea whether he is having physical sex with these individuals. I would presume not, since 99% of the time he uses nude photos that are completely fake. But, there is the occasional "chaser" that he will send real photos: for those of you non-LGBT individuals, a "chaser" is physically attracted, seeks out, worships (and sometimes enjoys feeding) overweight men. That could be another topic of discussion because while I appreciate people of all races, shapes and sizes, I think many of those chasers are emotionally abusive and had childhood trauma.

Sorry for venting and if I have offended anyone! I just never have come across anyone else dealing with these cyber issues. I am sure there are discussions elsewhere but this one was very relevant to me.

[FigureIt]

Actually the end may be coming sooner that I had planned.  Which I'm okay with.  I am ready to move on and be happy.  When he stopped home lunch today I told him I was playing golf with my dad who is 64 years old and  his group, who are men older than my dad.  My uBPDbf got upset with me because "we agreed we wouldn't play golf with the opposite sex!."  I did agree 3yrs. ago when I was trying to "keep him calm" but now if he has a problem with me golfing with a bunch of 60+ & 70+ old men then it's his problem.  I'm not going to cancel on my dad.

During our argument at lunch I confronted him about the match.com he called me a lying f"in B, so I logged on to the site and showed him.  WOW!  Did he go in to defense mode.  He didn't do that!  He doesn't know any way that was created, it was the company... .blah! Blah! Blah!  Except for the fact the for me to get into his profile it needed a password, which I got on his email when he was out drinking Saturday night.  So he's full of BS, although no admittance.

After he left home I got a long text saying it was BS, to check his credit cards he never paid for anything.  OH and the best "Everything is fine as long as I (meaning him) change but you do not.  You are not being held back!"  I'm not lying, tricking, gaming, etc. so what is it i need to change?

[aeron]

Wow. Sorry to hear that you had a fight. Part of the dilemma that I similarly face is that you're reacting in the way that he expects you to. I know it's strange (a fundamentally different world view), but some people with BPD traits that are addicted to dating sites sometimes want us to be upset.

This reactivity (a) confirms that we care about them and (b) confirms that we're easily manipulated. So, it's like two doses of attention: from the people doting upon our partners online, but also from us in the moment of betrayal, anger or sadness that ensues from the "discovery." Unfortunately, you cannot achieve much by showing him the evidence, nor can you try and reason with him. IMO if our pwBPD that troll dating sites will not seek psychotherapy, we have to either accept this behavior or move on (btw I am not practicing what I preach here!)

FigureIt - please check out the advice on the messageboards about leaving. Make sure you follow the recommendations on the Leaving board. Much like you witnessed the denial and raging from the Match.com ordeal, leaving will usually create an equally dire situation that you absolutely MUST be prepared for.

[Unique135]

We did have a talk and I told him that I will no longer tolerate his hot and cold behavior and I cannot trust him.  He actually listened, did not give me the silent treatment and agreed.

He has not logged on to his account since then.

For him, it is mostly boredom.  He needs to just communicate with someone when he is bored.  He used to do that with women who did not even live in this country.  I do believe that he is not seeing anyone but I don't know how long this will last... .

[aeron]

For him, it is mostly boredom.  He needs to just communicate with someone when he is bored. 

I hear where you're coming from! But arguably, it is a lot more complicated than that. My pwBPD has said the same things for years. In fact, he continues to use the explanation of "boredom" or "loneliness." Yes, that is what they're feeling: bored and lonely. At the same time, the process of rationalizing and legitamizing their participation in a dating or hookup site is something that many people with BPD cannot express without counseling.

Many people with BPD feel bored and alone, but there is a fear of abandonment or many different types of emotional pain or conflict driving the gears beneath their cyber identities and fantasies. Likewise, it is often the case that the splitting, or hot/cold or black/white or push/pull mechanisms underscore these cyber identities (which unfortunately cannot be shut off magically as much as we would like it to stop).

It is not until these fears, emotional pain or self-esteem issues are addressed that this behavior has any fighting chance of ending permanently. However, our partners and significant others have to seek counseling on their own. For the time being, we can try and establish boundaries around the dating sites themselves, by using some of the techniques mentioned here when we discover their cyber identities (e.g. SET). I am still figuring it out, to be honest. Support and empathy are much more difficult for me to do than the latter: truth!