I Don't Even Know Where To Start

[Elvis42]

 Hello,
   I am new to the board. I could probably write a novel, as I am sure many of us could, about the last 22 years. I have a tendency to over explain things in detail, so I will consciously try to refrain from doing so.
  Long story short, I myself suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. Am a recovering alcoholic, who has been sober since December of 2002. I attend therapy sessions every (3) months or so. My wife, although never officially diagnosed, I suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder.
  Married 22 years in May, separated since August 2020, by my choice. We met in 2002, right before I became sober. I learned in May 2002 she was pregnant and we married shortly thereafter. Her family and I butted heads right away because her mother kept trying to control our lives. One of the reasons we moved back to my home state. I personally suspect her mother has BPD, in fact I'm almost sure if you looked up BPD in the dictionary, her mother's picture would be associated with the definition. 
  Because of my alcoholism or actually my sobriety, I am estranged from my siblings, and to some extent my own mother. My father passed due to alcoholism in 1995.
  Marriage was really good until about the end of the first year and then things started "going off the rails". I unfortunately assumed it was related to her chronic depression and possibly postpartum depression. I was to learn that I was very wrong. I've only been to the in-laws twice in our marriage, once when first got married and then the second time, when they informed me I was no longer welcome on their premises, as I said we butted heads. She expressed her desire to visit her parents our son's 1st Christmas and preceded to leave our son at home, but go to her parents for Christmas. I later learned this was in fact the 1st of several affairs during the marriage.
  That is just a sample of what was to come. I won't bore you with the worst of it and believe me it got much worse, like go to jail and court worse.
  This leads me to today. Of course I have been, over the past several years, been discussing the situation with my own therapist and the therapist has mentioned words such as "trama bond", "PTSD", "toxic relationship", etc. I have tried to maintain a decent relationship between us, for many reasons including kids and grand kids, because unfortunately since I "abandoned" her and my family everything goes through her. I've to establish boundaries, I've tried to not take things personally, I've participated in family events, etc. One of the conditions I've tried to follow for myself is to not respond to anything nasty or just ignorant. When she treats me in that manner, I ignore her text, phone calls etc, as I refuse to be a part of her need for drama. I admit I am not always able to do so. Either way she goes from this loving caring individual to this horrible person who says and does unthinkable things. Both of these situations have resulted in enormous amounts of text and voice messages, degraded and disparaging me, to Oh I love you and you made me waste 22 years of my life with you. I have even if I block her, awakened, because its usually when I'm sleeping, to as many as over 100 text messages and 20 or more voice mails, in one 8 hour night. I eventually unblock her, because as I said everything with kids and grand kids goes through her. Today was one of my I "screwed" up days. Our son who still lives at home with his mother invited me over to help celebrate his moms birthday, it was just a few days ago. It was enjoyable we all had fun, got along and had fun. I came home and by this morning I was receiving texts about how she wanted to celebrate her birthday all weekend long and I wasn't paying attention to her and I was this and that, and then she said "well if you won't pay attention to me I have plenty of men on my Facebook page who will in fact I'm even on this dating site. She sent me a screenshot. I tried and tried but couldn't not respond and I called her on her "bluff" or whatever it was and I know it was useless because she responded with how I'm crazy, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not making any sense, etc. I just let her have it, everything I have been holding back for at least the last 4 years. Which some would say, good for you, BUT she is a very vindictive person and I do mean vindictive. I could share stories about how vindictive she is that would as they say "curl your toes". And so now I await the onslaught that is going to happen.
  Thanks for letting me vent. It's tough when you don't have anyone that really cares, and I can only hold in so much before I just plain burst. I've been told I'm worthless and should die etc, for so long it was hard not to believe it and not to believe when she made everything feel like it was all my fault and I was the bad guy here.

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[Elvis42]

  As I sit here staring blindly at my keyboard my mind races 100 miles and hour. I have read so many of the posts here and can see so much of the last 22 years of my life, in every post.
  I started this journey with my wife in 2002. In the beginning everything was awesome. I envisioned both us growing old together, raising kids and enjoy the grand kids together, unfortunately it never even got close to the picture I had in my head. Trouble started early on when our son was 11 months old, I discovered quite by accident that my wife was sneaking out and seeing another man. I tried to discuss things, tried to be a grown up about the situation, and we even separated for about 4 months. I kept telling myself it was because of her childhood. Her mother is a very domineering and controlling woman and I just keep telling myself that if I just showed her what "real love" could be then everything would get better. I could "fix it." Her family has always been an obstacle in the marriage, especially the mother, who can't seem to mind her own damn business. As I stated previously, I was only invited to my in-laws twice in the 22 years we have been married and one of those times was to inform me that I was no longer welcome in their home. My wife saw nothing wrong with that at all. My family has never treated her that way, they have treated her like family, they still do. One sidebar I would like to share, is when my wife and I separated for those 4 months I went to court to get custody of our son, after all she could barely care for herself, much less a child and I had been doing everything anyway. Her daily routine consisted of eating, sleeping and smoking and I'm the one who cooked her meals. I went to court for custody and it was the first time I saw her true colors, I just told myself it was because of her family influence. I did not get custody and I was described as a bully, abusive, holding her here against her will, and so many other things I can't count. When I contacted my lawyer and asked what the next step should be his recommendation, was to get my wife back into my life, because that was the only way I would see my son on a daily basis, and keep him protected as well, so that's exactly what I did. I lowered dignity and had to win her back from the guy with whom she had been sneaking around. It was around this time that she decided she couldn't sleep in the same bed anymore and that was the case until the day I moved out in 2020. Things progressed for the next few years as "normal" as she would allow. We still dealt with daily verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lies, and my favorite when she would take my son and go to her parents for the holidays or vacations, knowing I wasn't invited. Then one day the phone rang and a man whose voice I didn't recognize was asking to speak with my wife. She quickly took the phone, ran into the bedroom and locked the door, only to appear an hour or so later with the announcement that she was going to New Jersey to meet her new "friend." She proudly left the next morning and I found out later that my mother-in-law bought her the bus tickets. I told myself that was it and packed up our son and took off to a shelter in another town, telling myself I was going to start over. My son and I were there about 2 weeks, jumping through all the necessary hoops, when I was called down to the office one evening and as I stepped through the door a tactical officer put his arm in my throat and pinned me against the wall. My son, who was scared and confused was glued to my leg while another officer was yanking him away as he was crying "daddy, daddy, daddy." Through the chaos I heard another officer say something about suspicion of child molestation and I was being arrested. My wife found out I had left before she returned and she was going to make me pay. Her and her new "friend" called the State Child Hotline in our state and claimed they had proof I had been molesting our son for years. I spent the next 6 months without the benefit of an attorney having to prove my innocence. I wasn't even allowed near my son, because of the situation. During this time her "new" friend moved into our apartment with my wife and our son. As a condition of not pursuing a further investigation, the county decide that my wife, her oldest daughter, who was living with us at the, our son and myself were to attend weekly family counseling, in fact they would be kind and send them to our home. They were in our home for a year and a half, on a weekly basis, because the county thought it would be best to see us in a family setting, SO I moved back in to the apartment. Oh yeah, new "friend" he split after 2 months. Years went by and everything was back to her "normal." Walking on eggshells, belittlement, abuse, neglect, push and pull, all the fun stuff. Until one night I woke up about 3am and my wife wasn't in the apartment. I waited up and she came in about 6am, when I asked where she had been all night, she replied "at a new friends house." I couldn't believe it, but then again I should have expected it. I thought we talked it out, only to find out later that she was still sneaking out after my son and I went to sleep. From then on I was just on autopilot, trying to be there for my son. Several years later my wife's youngest daughter got pregnant while a junior in high school. The daughter lived with her father in another state, she managed to alienate everyone in that state to the point that no one wanted anything to do with her. Truth is she is just like her mother. Against my better judgement and because what I say doesn't matter, the daughter moved here with us. I mentioned some of this in my previous post. What I didn't mention was when the grandson first came into our lives my wife was on Facebook constantly, speaking ill of her daughter as parent, etc. and was always acting like the best grandmother, ect. The moment we (I) got primary custody and the grandson came to live with us, Bang, my wife was on Facebook bad mouthing me as a horrible person, because I took her daughter's child away. What kind of monster does that. We had the grandson for almost 5 years, I raised and love him like he is my own son. In 2020 when the government gave out all that money, the mom hired this sleazy, unethical, piece of s**t to represent her. I spoke with my lawyer, who because I can't afford one was one of those free attorney's the county give you. My lawyer's exact words were "you should have nothing to worry about, the boy has been with you for almost 5 years, in a stable home, there's no way they would remove him, "barring a catastrophe" Well a catastrophe hit, big time. My wife was the catastrophe and she did more damage than Hurricane Katrina. I was made aware that the mom had hired the lawyer 6 months earlier and my wife had been conspiring with the lawyer, her daughter and daughter's boyfriend. My wife would wait until I was tired, worn out, from taking care of 2 kids and a household, and she would start her picking, her bullying and waiting for me to react, THEN she would illegally video record me for the lawyer to base the case against me. I was accused of beating and punching my grandson, of rampaging through the house and terrorizing my wife and son, forcing them to stay in their rooms, that was just the nice stuff. Needless to say the courts bought it hook, line and sinker, and before I knew it my grandson was gone, to another state. And my wife after all this, the day he was supposed to be returned to his mom, my wife conveniently hoped on an airplane with her mother and aunts to attend a funeral in another state, so she didn't have to deal with this poor child crying his eyes out heartbroken and wanting to know why he couldn't live with us anymore. My wife say she didn't do anything wrong and I need to just get over it and grow up and I should consider professional help. That was the straw that broke the camels back, as they say, I moved out at the first opportunity, unfortunately the only place I can afford is in the same apartment complex two apartments down. Of course I "abandoned" her and our child, yada yada yada. Which leads us to the last several years of trying to navigate things between the two of us. She has gone from "I Love You and want to work it out", to "I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone I hope you die" I've tried to be there in anyway I can and of course have paid the price. So when move on to her recent birthday. I have always attended birthday's, Christmas, etc because since I moved out all of a sudden she wants me around. So I brought gifts etc, our son was there because her still lives at home with mom. We ate cake and ice cream, had a really great time. I made the mistake of spending the night, because our son and i were up really late playing on the computers. She said come lay with me and cuddle nothing more and I fell for it. Next thing I know she posting selfies on Facebook of us, with "yeah. look whose back in my bed" I wasn't pleased for a lot of reasons, but when I woke up the next morning I politely excused myself and returned to my apartment. She bombarded me more than usual with text messages, stating that she wanted to celebrate her birthday all weekend long and when was I coming back because I said I would spend the weekend with her. I never made that statement at all. So when I politely declined she went nuclear and started sending nasty, really nasty mean evil text messages accusing me of everything and blaming me for everything wrong in the marriage, how she wasted 20 plus years on someone as useless as me. Then there was the big bomb, she informed me that she had plenty of men on her Facebook page that were ready and willing to take my place, and then later on she sent me a screenshot of her dating profile. I just got feed up and lost it and told her everything I had been holding back for a year or more and she didn't like one word. I told her "you can't hurt me anymore than you already have and you can't do anything more to me than you already have." I explained why I don't want to go to her apartment, how I don't feel safe there, or how its nothing but sadness because of all that was lost. How I have always felt like I was just a place holder until she found someone else." So today as I am typing I am getting the "we are done, I'm not wasting anymore time on you, You never loved me" My guess is from past events that she probably has another fish on the hook, so she feels confident she can just throw me away like the trash I am. Most ironic part of this whole journey is I still love her as much as I did when we first met. My therapist thinks it's something called a "Trauma Bond" And as much as I feel I am good one my own, for 99% of the time I am content, I still have a horribly hard time letting go and just washing my hands of the whole situation. I feel that you can't spend that many years with someone and not love or care about them. Unfortunately I know it's only a one way street. My confidence, pride, anything I had is long gone and I'm not sure it's ever coming back. Been told I could even have PTSD from living in a "toxic relationship" for that many years, ugh.

[Elvis42]

Not sure if this is appropriate, but small update, ugh

been getting bombard with text messages explaining how I have no clue what's going on. I don't listen, I am always talking in circles and about the same thing over and over, and I have no idea what love is and if I could just see things from her point of view then everything would work out. She's just sick and tired of "begging" for my attention, after all she didn't do anything wrong, it's all my fault that things are not working out.

one of her "discussions" revolved around her telling me how she has all these men on her Facebook page ready to take my place and she told me that to make a point and to get my attention that there were others who were interested.

I carefully responded. okay so if I hear what you're saying correctly, you let other men believe that there's an opportunity to have sex with you because your husband is not giving you all the attention you deserve and you did it because you love me correct?

her response was "I never told them there was a chance to have sex with me I was just telling them how you ignore me, abandoned
me over something silly, they just assumed that there would be more."

my response "well I don't know, you're Facebook page says single and you're on a dating site. That doesn't exactly scream I'm married and not interested in anything other than friendship.

she didn't respond so I replied "now I may be way off base here, but let's agree to disagree. I'm not sure that telling your husband that you have a bunch of other men ready to have sex with you, is a really appropriate way of getting his attention, I mean it will get you attention, just in my opinion not the right kind of attention and it certainly wouldn't get the kind of attention you desire from me.
I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate me telling you something like that and claiming I did it to get your attention, I mean you went ballistic when the neighbor brought her kids over to play with our grand son, you said I was having sex with her, and men and women can't be friends without have sex. Which I thought was really ironic considering you had a few "friends" in the last 20 years.

she sent me an emoji with steam coming out of it nose or something.

I replied, "in my opinion, to hold something like that over your spouse, significant other, whoever, head to me is basically threatening that person you claim to love. I know I certainly don't want to live that way and in my book that's not love. That's being a bully, saying if you don't do what I want I'm going to have sex with someone else, I'll show you to ignore me.

of course I got the good old standby.......you don't have a clue, you never listen, you don't see thing from my point of view because if you did it would all make perfect sense...I just see us wasting our time because you are never going to change and see things from my point of view you're just going to continue to be an a**hole...nvm it doesn't matter were done anyway so don't bother saying anything back because you will just piss me off again....

I didn't reply...