Ex partner is blaming me for his problems

[Don1967]

Story is unique and also stereotypically BPD I've come to understand. I'm gay. I lost my spouse of nearly 25 years back in 2015. Took a long time to come to terms with losing him. Met my now ex partner in 2017 and the rollercoaster began. He had been through multiple marriages and finally decided to admit he was gay. The first few months I could do no wrong, I was a hero, I was the unicorn that shouldn't exist and he couldn't believe he found me. I kept telling him he was not infatuated with me he was just happy he could finally be himself. He insisted that it was me and, well, that lasted until I didn't reciprocate the unbridled affection. I liked him a lot but getting over losing my husband was tough and he was moving at a whirlwind pace. He would tell anyone and everyone that he was gay and in love with me, his neighbors, his gym partners, his cycling group, etc. He came out to his parents and introduced me to them. His family seemed to really like me. I'm a pretty like-able guy I think.  Long story short, after about 5 months, he leaves saying he needs to find himself that he's getting swallowed up in me (very BPD I've come to learn). He came back 6 weeks later and things resumed but here's where my co-depency kicked in and I started tolerating his escalating selfish behaviors because, deep down, I liked playing the role of the savior. More typical co-dependent/borderline behavior. Eventually we tried couples counseling and he reacted terribly, said he felt he was being attacked and said he needed to be by himself for a long time and that I needed to work on my destructive behaviors and maybe we could reconnect. By now I had formed a fairly strong and loving attachment to him even though I knew much of his behavior was maladjusted as was mine. I agreed and spent the last three months working on improving myself which was a very positive thing I took away from this. He even sent me a very sweet card not long after the separation speaking of hope and the future. Appropos of nothing a few weeks back I got a package containing a sweatshirt he had borrowed with a note on some notebook paper asking for his key back.  It was very frosty and I sent him an email saying I would return it to him in person. He broke it off in a text message and I was determined that we were not going to continue this avoidant passive/aggressive behavior. He got very angry, sent an email and told me I had sent him running back to therapy, that he had locked away all his feelings for me and that I needed to move on. He left all of our pictures and posts on Facebook (this is so adolescent that I'm even name-checking social media) up so I thought he was just acting out. In a moment of weakness I called him last week. He was very reserved and I just told him I was having trouble moving on as the breakup was predicated on wild misunderstandings in therapy.  and that I missed him terribly, which is true, I do. He told me he would think about reaching out to me in the future and told me that I was a good guy, that I really was a good guy. The next day he blocked me on Facebook, again something I only used because he was on it and in my sadness it let me know he was ok.  His uncle has since told me he has a girlfriend. I can see objectively how this is not my fault and yet my co-dependent inner self feels terrible and misses someone that I'm not sure ever existed and certainly doesn't now. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, there's nothing to be said, it is what it is but maybe somebody validating how confusing and hurt this can make you feel would help.

[WindofChange]

Hi Don1967. I'm sorry you've been through so much the past several months. It truly is a roller coaster being with a BPD partner. They take you up and down emotionally until you feel you're losing your own sanity. I know my relationship was like that. It destroyed my self-esteem, made me anxious and depressed. I'm still not completely free of my own BPD relationship, but I can tell you there is a lot of good information on this site to educate you and help you understand that your situation, painful as it is, is more common than you might have realized before. There are good people who are very welcoming and supportive as well. Hang in there. Focus on taking care of yourself. Time is the main thing that helps, along with a good support system. I wish I could offer you better words of comfort. Maybe it helps a little to know you aren't alone in your suffering. It does get better.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Don1967. Welcome to bpdfamily. I’d like to join WindofChange in letting you know that you have found a wonderful community here. I’m sorry for the reasons that you’ve had to find us, but you’ve found a safe place with people that “get it”.

I’m sorry to hear about you losing your spouse in 2015. What happened?

I understand your pain and confusion that you’ve described. These relationships can really take a toll on our emotional well being. It’s absolutely mind bending to be everything in their eyes one moment, only to be devalued in the next moment. In my own experiences, this only escalated as time went on. Something that I really relate to from your post is how your ex’s behavior became worse as you tried to address concerns. This was my experience with S4’s mom. Trying to address/resolve issues sent her into rages and she would often run off and ghost me. It seems like problem solving isn’t something that is comfortable for them. Maybe it’s because it takes a certain amount of reflection to do so. pwBPD that go untreated aren’t able to effectively do that. Try not to take it personally. I know, easier said than done.

S4’s mom and I tried couples therapy as well. Without going into great detail, my gut tells me that she sabotaged our attempts.

Are you hoping for an eventful reconciliation, or are you deciding to move on and heal from the relationship? We’re glad to have you with us, Don1967.

[Don1967]

Thanks you two for the kind words of support, it is a real comfort to get validation from others. I guess what nags at me the most is I have a bunch of "I wish had said this.." or "I wish I hadn't done the..." regrets that would have been nothing but a mole hill in a healthy relationship but became huge, wildly misconstrued deal breakers in this one. I think I'm fueled a bit too by pity, at his age he's so hardened, I despair for him. However, in hindsight he always had his own interests very much at the forefront and I probably feel worse for him than he does and that is co-dependent as hell and I am going to stop that kind of thinking if it kills me. But again, thanks again for the kind words of support, it really, really helps!

[Don1967]

I lost my spouse to a car wreck, it was as bad as you can imagine.

[JNChell]

I was wondering if it was a death that you were speaking of. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a romantic partner in that way. This is humbling to know and sit with. How are you with that? Are you still working through it? I understand that you’re hurting over your recent boyfriend, but are you still hurting over the ultimate loss of your spouse? 

[WindofChange]

I'm sure it was devastating to lose your spouse. Did you have any grief counseling at the time?
I think it's common to ruminate about things you could have said or done differently, wondering if it would have made the difference. I've spent my time doing it. You can drive yourself crazy with it, though. In the end, people  with BPD have so much going on that it probably wouldn't matter what we did. They don't really know what they want or need, so how can we possibly fill that need if it keeps changing? But they definitely always shift the blame away from themselves.
It sounds like, in addition the BPD, your ex was still trying to figure out who he was, shifting from being involved with women to men, then back to a woman? I don't see what you could have done to help him with that, nor how he could say it's your fault he had to go back to a counselor. Hopefully you realize that this isn't your fault.

[Don1967]

Thanks again you two for the continued concern. I received grief counseling at the time and I am still mourning losing him. In fact, I frequently remind myself when I'm getting too caught up with my recent breakup that my heart has been truly broken and this, while terribly painful, will fade into perspective very soon. I do have so so many regrets and I keep remembering the last time I saw him as he walked down the hall going to work the morning of the accident. I was in shock for weeks and depressed for at least a year. I'm still not over it. My recent ex was jealous of the memory of my husband and it bothered him. His issues with his sexual identity feel forced and I'm not sure they are real. It smacks of "you hurt me so badly you sent me back into the arms of a woman." That is just not a thing I'm gonna let affect me. Again, the dysfunction was the result of two people but ultimately his very toxic ways of resolving, or rather, avoiding working on our relationship and taking responsibility for his actions is what undid us. He's had three marriages and untold numbers of casual hookups and short term relationships. I've had two. So this is gonna hurt me more than it will him but I think I got this. I am absolutely surrounded by dozens and dozens of supportive friends and family and now you two so I'm good. Time heals all wounds. I despair for him though, he's in the fourth quarter of life and this toxic and painful behavior had undone him again.

[WindofChange]

I can't imagine going through that grief. I'm glad you had counseling, and so glad for you that you have good support from your friends. That's so important. Yes, it is sad for your ex that he's struggling so much. Good for you that you aren't internalizing or accepting the blame he's tried to throw on you. Is he still trying to contact you?

Hope you have a wonderful (and peaceful) weekend!  

[Don1967]

Oh no, he has never tried to contact me! He has used the "you're dead to me" route. I called him a couple weeks ago in a moment of weakness and he spoke to me, in muted tones, for about 10 minutes. I asked him to find it in his heart to speak with me about what happened. He said he would try but he would make no promises. That night he blocked me on Facebook, so you could say if he's secretly hoping I'll keep fighting for his affection he has effectively killed off any motivation I might have had. It's tough to keep it in perspective, I'm not built for this sort of treatment but I'll survive...Thank you for your continued support, it means a lot!

[JNChell]

Hi, Don1967. It’s so hard to be left with these feelings so abruptly. No conversation. No closure.

I asked him to find it in his heart to speak with me about what happened. He said he would try but he would make no promises.

pwBPD aren’t able to face shame. It seems like it’s an unbreakable barrier when trying to discuss concerns or resolve issues.

Try to set your expectations aside. You’ll never get what you expect from an emotional manipulator. It will never happen.

I'm not built for this sort of treatment

I know what you mean, but the proof is in the pudding. You’re here. You found us. You’re looking for answers. You’ve become aware that you don’t want that in your life.

Breaking up is hard. It’s especially hard when the reasons why aren’t clearly defined. There’s no closure there.

[Don1967]

Thanks so much for validating what I'm feeling. That's exactly right. There's no closure. None of this had to happen and yet it happens all the time I've come to understand. It's such a shame but I've suffered worse. I think what hurts me, and many of us, is that the borderline we love is so broken they push away the people, as flawed as we may be, who most care for them. I ended our last conversation lovingly and I hope that is what he heard. I suspect not. Moving on is not my strong point but I am going to work on it as I have so many people who care for me and want me to be happy. I am very, very lucky that way and I am not going to let them down. It's a good thing I'm a country music fan, tons of songs about heartbreak to soothe my aching heart. You guys are the best, the internet is a double edged sword, but this website is definitely on the right side of the blade.

[JNChell]

Hi again, D67. I’m happy to see that you’re finding comfort in this community. It really is quite a place. Also, I noticed that you’re a music fan, specifically country. HappyChappy has a music thread going on another board. Here’s a link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329349.0

I think what hurts me, and many of us, is that the borderline we love is so broken they push away the people, as flawed as we may be, who most care for them.

This statement holds a lot of weight. Most importantly, it reflects a level of self awareness. Owning our 50% of the relationship. I agree that it’s very hard to be pushed away while feeling unheard. We know deep inside how we truly feel about them. We love them.

I think that I’m understanding what you’re feeling. I don’t really know how to say this subtly, so I’ll just say it. It is true that we being attracted to and staying with partners that hurt us is indicative of our own issues. I’m learning this through therapy and this support group. I’m currently in therapy for childhood trauma.

Moving on isn’t my strong point either. Especially with a child involved. Letting go of the idea is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. To be blunt and honest, it’s been total anguish. Digging deeper, the majority of the relationship was the same. How about your relationship? How did the good vs. the bad weigh out?

I’m glad to know that you have good people surrounding you. Embrace it. The internet is a very sketchy place. There’s a lot of misinformation out there. I’m glad that you chose this community as a resource.

[Don1967]

Again, thanks for the follow up and insight. Anguish is a good word, there has been more of that than I thought would be possible. What I'm doing now is only remembering the good times and the positive things and forgetting the negative and bad things. He was a very good influence on me in many ways so I think that imbues the relationship, or the memory of it, with a quality it never really had. I have a huge codependent tendency that I never knew I had and it really played a role in this relationship. Setting firm boundaries was what was needed at the outset. I confused being overly accommodating as being understanding and supportive and it devolved into a very one sided situation. When I finally called him on it, he disappeared. Yes, I think we all have childhood issues that attracts us to people who are not right for us. It's very counter-intuitive. You're right, the internet is a very sketchy place...

[JNChell]

Hey, Don1967. I haven’t been on the boards for about a week. I just wanted to ask how things are going for you. How are you feeling about your situation?