What we REALLY Know but Deny Ourselves

[Pretty Woman]

I'm sitting here tonight struggling with the fact I was callously replaced and discarded, however I truly felt I was significantly more mature than this woman and had become her caregiver, over this past year.

At the end we really had 0 sex life. I lost interest after the first year of push-pull and endless breakups. She destroyed me inside. I became a hoarder and seriously, my home is in disarray from all the depression from this.  

I still haven't slept in my master bedroom for over a year because I wanted to die in there two years ago when she dumped me.

A part of me feels like she did me a huge favor dumping me even though she cheated on me... .and that kinda negates it for me.

Everything I wanted that she mirrored in the beginning wasn't happening. I found myself buying rings, talking kids and she was no longer doing anything.

When we ended she said "I think you are capable of having a relationship, just not with me. I don't ever see us together again"

What scares me is she's said this before. I just never had a solid replacement in state.

I really don't know what to do. I know she is not good for me and has hurt me horribly. She is smearing me on FB and announcing how happy she is with her girlfriend.

It hurts because I did love her. I had no idea how to make this work. I'm seeing it was never going to. Still I fear her showing up when I least expect it. She still talks to almost all her exes.  She's left me for them, left them for each other. We live a mile from each other.  I have no idea what I need to do to get past this. I'm trying.

[apollotech]

PW,

I am sorry to hear that you're in this funk. I follow your posts on here, and I gotta tell ya, that one about all of your ex's exes had my 2 working brain cells smoking trying to keep up with everyone. Who was on first again?... ..

Okay, this post. I just have a few questions: Do you miss her or the relationship? Are you grieving the loss of her or the loss of the relationship? By your own admittance, you know that she's toxic. You know her track record. If you want her, specifically, back, then you might want to examine that more closely.

We all move on at our own pace, so don't think that you're behind. For me, once I educated myself about BPD and could see, clearly, what I had been through, my healing really took off. Her behaviors/actions during the relationship became really transparent. I finally saw the adult child that I had been attempting to engage in an adult relationship. Needless to say, as you well know regarding your own relationship, it was disastrous.

I hope that you enjoyed your recent trip!

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Apollo,

   Thanks for your comments.

My ex has a colorful history for sure. Mine (personally) is nowhere near that... .but now I'm another player in her history books.

I really struggle with the betrayal and dissapointment factors. The fact she left me for this person I thought was becoming our friend. The fact this person knew she was my gf and that we had had issues (including cheating on my ex's part).

I know these two people have no boundaries and are not trustworthy. In many ways, maybe they are more suited for each other because of that.

I know I am a trusting, loving and good woman who has overlooked a lot of crap in this relationship. I kept taking her back. I kept dancing the toxic dance.

Right before all this happened I planned a really expensive birthday for her. I thought things were ok. I had no idea this was going to happen.

When she broke up with me I point blank asked her if she was in love with this person to which she answered, "madly and deeply".

She knew her two weeks.

I asked that because in my mind if she said yes that would be sufficient enough to see this is not normal. It is not normal to seriously and completely shut off feelings for one person like that and totally turn them on for another.  I've heard nothing from this person who still claimed to be my best friend and to have loved me more than anything. If she meant her words she would be here. She is not.

What further proof she is disordered do I really need other than all I've been through with her?

I am hurting because she moved close to me. We got a dog together. Thinking of someone else with the puppy is hard. Knowing I meant so little to this person is hard. And then I wonder: was she getting better? We didn't fight all year. This year was not like the past two with her leaving me constantly. A part of me is like: she is in her mid 40s maybe this thing is leveling out. Maybe my lack of trust in her from past grievances pushed her away?

But then I think... .her stormy history can't possibly do a 180 overnight. Her family dynamic was awful. This is not something I wanted when I hoped for a life partner... .these people, these problems. I was excited in the beginning but only during our very brief and intense honeymoon stage.

All my friends are concerned she will try to slither back into my life. Ones that didn't know our history and just said "get over it" now are really concerned because they had no idea of our dynamic together and how many times I took her back.

I'm almost obsessed wondering if she will contact me again. History says yes. Head says I shouldn't be focused on this given what I've been through.

[apollotech]

And then I wonder: was she getting better? We didn't fight all year. This year was not like the past two with her leaving me constantly. A part of me is like: she is in her mid 40s maybe this thing is leveling out. Maybe my lack of trust in her from past grievances pushed her away?

Hi PW,

Nope, you didn't fight all year; of course, you didn't have sex all year either. Okay, stop there. That's the answer to the not fighting. The intimacy, or chance of intimacy, was removed. As a result, her engulfment issues were removed. No engulfment, no push behavior---fighting. Now, to see this another way, a not normal way, this also proves that she was indeed deeply emotionally attached to you, so much so that she had to abandon you for her own sake. (Yes, crazy right?) It's not that she didn't care; she simply couldn't regulate her "self" or her emotions because of the caring. The push behaviors that you experienced were her attempting to create distance between y'all so that she could regain control of her "self". She applied a maladapted tool, purposeful fighting, to accomplish the task.

She wasn't getting better; she got relief from the engulfment. A pwBPD is always trying to control their environment, people, issues, events, etc. in order to regulate their emotions. Those wild and wide swings that you experienced were her trying to avoid/regulate two wildly different and widely separated emotions/fears which reside on the same axis, but at the extreme opposite ends---engulfment and abandonment. If y'all became too close, she became engulfed and pushed. If y'all became too distant, she became abandoned and pulled. Their actions/behaviors are dictated by their disorder. In order to get answers, you seem to be attempting to apply "normal" thinking/emotions to a person that is mentally ill. You have to abandon that approach to understand what went on with her during the relationship.

It's okay to hurt PW; that just proves that you're normal. It will pass. You're not on the clock; we all recover at our own pace. When you see that all of the things that she did had nothing to do with you, you'll begin to rapidly heal. The relationship was always about her, always about her trying to control herself. Let me ask you this: Did the relationship ever mature? Was it ever not intense on one issue or another? How much time and emotional energy was spent just trying to maintain the relationship, forget about growing the relationship. My guess is that the relationship was mired in an infantile state. That is a direct result of your partner being mired in an infantile emotional state.

[Pretty Woman]

It was very enfantile. I started to feel like I was her mother.

Not sexy!

I am well aware of that.

I genuinely cared and loved this person who treated me horribly but maybe that is where this maternal feeling came into play. We love our children even when they are a-holes. We want what's best for them. I agree... .I think she still felt engulfed because I did really love her. It wasn't sexual anymore but it was a genuine feeling.

We never got back the romance because you can't ever get the fantasy back. What I thought this relationship would be and what it turned into were two different things.  The fantasy wasn't healthy and neither was the reality.

I am feeling bad because she really seemed to love me this year. She took care of me for months after my surgery. She cried when they wheeled me away to prep. The nurse came in and said she told her she would get to see me before surgery but she lost it completely (object consistancy). I know that seems weird, sounds weird but she clung to me this year. She told me how proud she was of my accomplishments and how special I was to her... .

and two weeks later she is blowing up FB with this new person. Stating how amazing she is and how she is lucky to have found true love. She even told me this is the most amazing person she has ever met.

It's like a kick to the stomach.

It's that which hurts. The sudden shift of affection. Knowing I was just a prop in this and one of many she has feelings for. I take care of some of those needs, but not all. She needs a team.

[apollotech]

She told me how proud she was of my accomplishments and how special I was to her... .

and two weeks later she is blowing up FB with this new person. Stating how amazing she is and how she is lucky to have found true love. She even told me this is the most amazing person she has ever met.

It's like a kick to the stomach.

It's that which hurts. The sudden shift of affection.

PW,

You know that that is common for a pwBPD, actions and words never meeting. Again, it wasn't about you; it was always about her. Her "shifting her affections", although understandably hurtful to you, is a product of her mental illness. Her new partner being "the most amazing person" is also a product of her mental illness as she is idealizing the new partner. You know all this. As soon as engulfment sets in, she'll be devaluing the new partner. You know this. She has found "true love"! Really? (Please remind me again, how many "true loves" have there been?)

I just watched all the above scenario play out between my BPDexgf and my replacement. He was wonderful until he became human, faults and all. He was the sweetest, kindest, loving man that had ever drawn a breath. Now he is burning orphanages and stealing walking canes from the elderly. We won't even talk about what he's doing to cats.

Based on what you said earlier in this last post, regarding the maternal aspects of the relationship, are you grieving the loss of her or the loss of the relationship? Also, because you've mentioned the new partner and new relationship across several posts on the boards, are you hoping to regain the relationship? (I don't expect an answer to these questions, I'd just ask and answer those for myself.)

[Pretty Woman]

I think I am actually looking for her to return... .just to prove I am not crazy.

Is her returning healthy? No. And I know this.

You are so right about how everyone is "the one". When she left me for the love of her life (an ex) she told me she was going to go get her partner back... .her best friend.

A month later I get 50 calls as she is hauling a_ _ back to Illinois from this ex begging to come back.

I think I have all the evidence I need to know this is not healthy, BPD or not.  And yeah, one minute threatening restraining order next telling me she loves me more than anything... .

words never match actions. I just need to chalk this up to the replacement was me three years ago. She is not going to magically be the ideal girlfriend overnight.

[apollotech]

I think I am actually looking for her to return... .just to prove I am not crazy.

Is her returning healthy? No. And I know this.

Okay PW, you've lost me here, how exactly is the proof of your sanity, or insanity... ., tied up with her returning or not returning (or for that matter, tied up with her in any way at all?) I think your ex has proven, over and over again, beyond any doubt, who has the mental issue.

[Pretty Woman]

 

You are right. Now I wish I could get past jealousy of this other person.  I think it's because I really was betrayed. This person knew we had issues, even knew she cheated on me... .and then went for her. So that's what I am dealing with.

I lost 80lbs this year through weight loss surgery. I am not tooting my horn but it has gotten me a lot of attention in a very positive way.  I think it's hard for me that I got dumped for someone twice my size too.

A lot of issues within me.

[rotiroti]

I think I am actually looking for her to return... .just to prove I am not crazy.

Is her returning healthy? No. And I know this.

Exactly! I remember reading your post about the 11 Ex's (or was it more?). BPD or not, I could tell anyone that someone capable of that kind of volatility is *not* normal.

As for the jealousy thing, I definitely feel you there. I've been working on letting go of that last sliver. It has lots to do with jealousy and sex for me, both issues I know that I can work on and know I can fix. Afterall, aren't we all here to self-improve?

btw, grats on the weight loss! Just in time for the summer! woo!

[apollotech]

You are right. Now I wish I could get past jealousy of this other person.  I think it's because I really was betrayed. This person knew we had issues, even knew she cheated on me... .and then went for her. So that's what I am dealing with.

I lost 80lbs this year through weight loss surgery. I am not tooting my horn but it has gotten me a lot of attention in a very positive way.  I think it's hard for me that I got dumped for someone twice my size too.

A lot of issues within me.

PW,

Yes, you were betrayed. You have no shame or guilt or responsibility in being betrayed. Your ex has ALL of the culpability here (not her partner in the betrayal as that is not the person that betrayed your trust). I know how betrayal feels as I have been there, but, again, it had nothing to do with you. Why are you allowing her dysfunction to govern your feelings here?

Jealously PW? Come on now, you know what the new partner is in for, you lived it. By your own admission, your ex is unhealthy and y'all's relationship was unhealthy. What/who are you jealous of and why? Who had the greatest loss here, you or your ex? You were the prize, not her. Slow down a bit and examine your answers, cognitively not emotionally.

Toot your horn woman! That is a great achievement, be loud and proud! Congrats on the weight loss and the new you! Do not attach her or the past relationship to the new you. You are a new you and today is a new day!

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks guys!

I am proud of my weight loss. And I AM a prize.

Which probably triggered her. 

But yeah, I dealt with this for three years.  It never got better. We never grew.

It's funny... .I feel like we were more connected without the sex. We actually talked. A hug meant something. Sex with her was... .

interesting.

She would zone out... .like she was dissasociating.  It wasn't warm and cuddly. It was an action. Even her ex told me she would do the deed and then want to eat and hit the road. There was limited affection.

I think we lasted so long because I was distant. I gave some affection but just enough to keep her from running.

But was that fair to me?

[apollotech]

Thanks guys!

I am proud of my weight loss. And I AM a prize.

Which probably triggered her. 

But yeah, I dealt with this for three years.  It never got better. We never grew.

It's funny... .I feel like we were more connected without the sex. We actually talked. A hug meant something. Sex with her was... .

interesting.

She would zone out... .like she was dissasociating.  It wasn't warm and cuddly. It was an action. Even her ex told me she would do the deed and then want to eat and hit the road. There was limited affection.

I think we lasted so long because I was distant. I gave some affection but just enough to keep her from running.

But was that fair to me?

Ah yes, the sex sans intimacy. I'm 52, I thought that I was past a quick bang in the back seat... .until my BPDex entered the picture. The problem was that that's what she wanted in bed when we had all the time and privacy in the world to do whatever we wanted. The sex was great, but unfortunately, that's all it ever was. Intimacy was something that she couldn't do (major engulfment issues). Needless to say, it was very unfulfilling. To top it all off, sexual relations, the closeness, caused every rage from her that was ever directed at me. Yep, it was quite a treat.

No PW, it wasn't fair to you. You deserve a partner that willingly and healthfully reciprocates your affections. What mature, healthy adult wants sexual relations in a supposedly loving relationship but is not allowed emotions? Unfortunately, we've met these people.

[Loosestrife]

You are a Prize and she has lost you.

You deserve someone who will treat you well, that you can trust, and will work in partnership with you to have the happiest relationship possible 

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you. That is what I am starting to realize.  I am trying to get focus off her. I started going to al-anon because that helps get focus off them and onto you.

My friend is a photographer and we are doing a pin up photo shoot. I am so excited. This is the best I've looked in years. I have that Betty Page black hair, porcelein skin and blue eyes... .I got called "Snow White" in Mexico. .

Shoulder tattoos (tasteful ones like a rose and butterfly).

I am going to step outside my comfort zone and try to find my footing.

I am not bragging but I am attractive.   I hid behind my weight and I am sure as I lost it my ex grew more insecure.

I need to find a strong, secure person... .but first I need to get there myself.