Sorry it's been so long since I've replied... .
pwBPD = partner with BPD
My children do not deserve a mother who rages against their father and blames him for all of her woes. They are the reason why I am still with her; I don't want them growing up in a broken home.
I can understand - I think I'm in the same situation. My kids are 13/10/7. I also don't want them growing up in a split home. I have approached my situation a few ways:
- I've worked on me. I have learnt how to respond better to her rages. I have learnt to not take them personally, and to hear her words as a cry for help, an expression of her pain. And as much as she's throwing daggers at me, I let her words and mood wash over me and try to support her. It's hard. I'm still learning.
- I've educated the kids. Obviously what we tell them depends on their age.
- For my 13yr old boy, i try to teach him the same as what I'm learning. I talk with him about the difference between FEELINGS and LOGIC. I teach him to "ignore the words - what FEELING is being conveyed" and respond to that. I tell him that mum had a tough childhood and so is "sensitive". All this should help hin in life not only with mum, but with girls, and other people.
- For my 10yr old. She knows that "mum gets stressed and yells" and "mum worries a lot". I am NOT telling them that mums behaviour is OK, but I am making sure they know it's not about them. I have also learnt to listen to my 10yr old more, just listen to her, hold her and not fix her problems unless she asks.
- For my 7yr old - I havn't had to do much yet - but I still listen.
When she rages, you may not be able to walk away if the kids are there. You can talk them away with you if required. You can also "stand up to mum" but in a GOOD way. Show the kids that you can hear her, and you can empathise. Learn the SET conversational technique - this will hopefully stop her mood from escalating - but also allow you to really listen to her.
My wife doesn't eat well and doesn't exercise. I actually think she feels intimidated because I *do* those things well. She says often she wants to change, but never does. I think she has a fear of failure - comparing herself to me. I try to encourage her in a very aroundabout way. I say "I'm walking down the shops to buy X - I'd love you to come with me!". It's movement at least. I also cook a fair bit - she can choose to eat what I've cooked or not. Her choice.