Did BPD Boyfriend Ever love ME

[cookiedough]

No I know you are right.

It is hard especially because I've been through all of this before.

A part of me wants to go back... .it's horrible that I got used to the unhealthy roller coaster.

I just lost myself in the relationship and he took up so much of my time and energy.

I have to believe that he said what he said because he is ill, that's the only way I'll be able to move on.

It hurts to think that his future might not be good, but I have to start looking out for my own.

[cookiedough]

Also I feel guilty because the friday before everything fell apart I broke up with him because I was mad but that same night we made up. I can't help but think that I sent him on some kind of mood swing or something. I don't know. I'm not perfect but at least I remember what I want right away and apologize, at least I don't say my feelings changed in hours or a couple of days or that i lied.

[kl315]

Hi Cookiedough... .I'm sorry for everything you've been through. Every relationship with a pwBPD is unique, but they all have their challenges. If no contact is what's best for you, I wish you well and hope that you're successful in maintaining that.

I have a comment about his hospitalization. He may have been "stabilized" while there, meaning that his doctors are now reasonably certain that he isn't an immediate danger to himself or others. However, it's almost certainly true that his emotions are not stable or that his disorder has improved. His current mental state is probably not conducive to any sort of a romantic relationship (whether he tries to have one or not).

My dBPDbf was also hospitalized for a similar length of time, almost a year ago. That was where his journey with DBT therapy started. I knew him at the time but we WERE just friends, though not close friends. It took a good six months of intensive and consistent therapy before he started showing real progress, and his therapist thought he could handle a relationship. We began dating right around this point(yes, I became involved with someone I knew had BPD... .crazy, huh?) and over the course of our 6 month relationship, I've seen continual improvement, mixed with some setbacks, but he religiously participates in individual and group therapy. The point is, it's going to take a LOT of hard work and motivation on the part of your pwBPD before he even approaches the realm of mentally "stable". He may NEED a friend to be there for him during that process, but unless you're ok with staying/keeping yourself in the friend zone for a while (and it sounds like you're not), it's probably best that you stay away. Otherwise, you're going to be continually triggering each other and you run the rest of being "split black".

As for the "I love you/I don't love you let's be friends" nonsense. I obviously don't know much about the situation, but I doubt he was lying when he said he loved you. It's more likely he wasn't being completely honest when he said he didn't. Or maybe he was being honest, but only felt that way because the turmoil inside his head didn't always allow for those types of intense feelings. My bf twice told me that he thought we should just be "friends". I didn't freak out... .just told him that I was there for him and if that's what made him most comfortable, I thought I could do that. He's now said (after much discussion with his therapist), that he said that because he was afraid, and the feelings were more intense than he could handle... .that he always loves me, even if he sometimes says or does things that suggest otherwise. So I'm learning to roll with the tide. He doesn't cheat though... .I trust him but wouldn't tolerate infidelity if we're a couple. I think that would be difficult for you to be your pwBPD's "friend" if he were seeing other people. If he were willing to put aside all other romantic entanglements while he was working on himself, maybe but that may not be a possibility.

Whatever you decide, please take care of yourself, don't try to force a relationship he can't yet handle and don't get sucked back in unless he continues with therapy. If he doesn't, the push/pull will go on and on.

Hugs... .KL

[cookiedough]

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who went through this.

He's gone back and forth on me about 4 times now though. And the first couple of times I stayed around as just his friend, and then he would want to be romantic with me for a couple of weeks/months and then it would change again.

Even when I stayed as just his friend we would hang out every day and he didn't see anyone else, (I'm not positive about the times when we weren't talking).

This time though I actually love him after being kind of stable after he cheated on me when he said he was manic... .and I forgave him because I thought he was a different person that night.

Its just that he can do stupid things when he's not thinking straight and I don't think that this time I could have stayed as just a friend again because I don't think that I could handle him talking to other girls again.

I do believe he loved me and the saddest part is that I know if I would've stayed it would've gone back to that.

But he said he couldn't trust himself and he would hope to god that he wouldn't cheat on me again... before breaking it off.

I just miss him and I feel depressed but it's been such a roller coaster ride and I want to be there for him but there are so many complications now.

Because of the way he is even if he loves me even now he is still more likely to go out and have a random drunken night out and have one night stands and all of that. But I can't even think about dating anyone right now.

I just feel so emotionally drained and broken down because this has happened before and I just thought this time it wouldn't happen again.

[cookiedough]

I gave him back all of the stuff he got me the cd's, teddy bears, his sweater that I kept.

And I told him we would never talk again.

He said it was because he didn't love me anymore it "that way" apparently things like this can change in two days.

He also said that he ruined my school and that he's not good for me and he can never make me genuinely happy because of his "condition". This part I want to believe but it kind of sounds like sugarcoating.

He went from crying to kicking me out of his room.

I just think that if he wants to talk to me he will. He needs to sort this out for himself. I got messed up trying to take care of him and in the end he just wanted to do it by himself.

If it's meant to be and he misses me he will contact me... .I don't know what I'll do then.

[Washisheart]

I don't think they do, I don't think they can.

I just gave four years of my life to a man who just walked out on me 2 weeks ago, hopefully for the last time.

If you really want to be done with him but are afraid he will call change your number.   Although I know it's not 100% fool proof it atleast will slow him down.

[cookiedough]

Now I feel like a complete fool.

Today I had this burning feeling inside me and I called him... .TWICE... .NO THREE TIMES.

I left 2 messages saying I don't know why I called and the second hoping he is doing well and that I'm confused.

What the heck is wrong with me. He's probably going out tonight to do it with someone else and here I am calling him.

Why am I calling. I don't want him back and hearing his voice is like hearing a strangers voice.

I'm so confused right now.

[cookiedough]

He didn't answer and I don't think I want him to call me back.

I don't know what I'm doing. Today at work I really wanted to go out and party and get all wild and crazy at some club.

Then I come home and it was like something got inside of me that I wanted to call him.

My mom is considering paying for me to go see a therapist.

I feel really messed up.

[Newton]

cookiedough... .Feeling conflicted about what we know is bad for us vs what we feel we need is not a great place to be in long term.  I, and many other members spent time here on the "undecided" board... .and we know what you are going through... .

If you have the chance to see a therapist... .take it.  So many of us here have found it an invaluable tool in helping us to feel healthier and allowing us to come to solid decisions about our relationships.  I see it as no different to hiring a personal trainer to get your body in shape 

[cookiedough]

I don't think they do, I don't think they can.

I just gave four years of my life to a man who just walked out on me 2 weeks ago, hopefully for the last time.

If you really want to be done with him but are afraid he will call change your number.   Although I know it's not 100% fool proof it atleast will slow him down.

Yeah but the irony of it all is that I broke down and called him! I feel so stupid right now.

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. Try to let it go and move on, move forward, lesson learned. That's great that you're mom is offering you a way to see a therapist, I say go for it. We usually stay in the undecided or back and forth with an ex BPD r/s because there's something within ourselves that we need to learn about and a therapist can really help us find that. You can always come here whenever you get the urge to contact him... .it only causes confusion and pain and most of us are very familiar with this, including myself! 

[cookiedough]

 cookiedough,

Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. Try to let it go and move on, move forward, lesson learned. That's great that you're mom is offering you a way to see a therapist, I say go for it. We usually stay in the undecided or back and forth with an ex BPD r/s because there's something within ourselves that we need to learn about and a therapist can really help us find that. You can always come here whenever you get the urge to contact him... .it only causes confusion and pain and most of us are very familiar with this, including myself! 

Thanks I feel better after reading this.

It's just that every time we stopped talking in the past year (like 5 times) we'd always come back to each other.

Every time I'd call he'd be there and vise versa.

I'm wondering if he's better, if they kept him in the hospital longer after our melt down (which happened in the hospital the day before he was supposed to be discharged... .I'm not so proud of that, I could've waited until he got out) or if he went to NY with his parents.

People are telling me to give him space to figure his stuff out. But I don't know if I called him because I miss him or just out of habit.

I think I will go see the therapist though no matter what happens because I feel like I go back and forth and I feel like a different person every day.

[Sabine]

It's totally understandable how you feel. It is like an addiction or habit like you said. We get used to that person 'being there' one way or another and even though we know we're better off moving on, we feel the void. It's like any habit... .the urge is so frick'n strong in the beginning because that's all we know but as you move forward and reconnect with yourself you'll start rebuilding other friendships and new memories.

Take a deep breath, you didn't cause him to be disordered. If he ended up staying longer in the hospital or if he's with his parents, he's in good hands and he'll be okay. It's okay to miss him, to worry about him, and to let him go.

You're also in good hands... .I'm excited that you can talk these feelings with a therapist, dig deep cookiedough, you deserve a happy and healthy relationship... .

[ForeverDad]

Tested by fire... .means you don't stay in the fire, your get out and learn to live for another day.

Cookie dough is soft and pliable.  However, put it in the oven for the proper amount of time and you can pull out a really nice cookie, firm and tasty.

You have a chance now to get out and stay out of the oven, toasted just enough to firm your resolve but avoiding getting overcooked to a charred crisp.

[cookiedough]

Thanks foreverdad and Sabine!

The oven analogy was really good and funny.

Honestly I feel like my mistakes make me stronger. Was it a mistake to go back to him all of those times before... .  yeah probably. But we had some really good times too.

But I'm realizing now (even though all of you have been telling me this) that he is really not in a good place right now and cant deal with our emotional baggage... .  maybe that's why he pushed me away again.

And honestly I think I called him so that I could say nice things after our bad end... .  but it really doesn't matter what I say because he will not be healed for a long time.

Even though sometimes I feel like I'm having panic attacks and my chest starts getting tight and I can't breathe I'm more calm now and know that he needs time to heal and I need time to repair the damage that I made in my life because I was so consumed in this relationship and trying to give him everything he needed to feel good. In all reality in many ways (not all the time but a lot of the time) it was a very selfish relationship.

Yes I love him and we had good times but even though I called I am not going to be sucked into that roller coaster again. I only have a year and a half left of college and I have to be a little bit selfish for myself.

[cookiedough]

I'm having a hard time this week.

School started and I thought I was doing ok but I'm thinking about him constantly.

I feel guilty for breaking up with him about a week before he broke up with me. I feel guilty for telling him my mom didn't approve of me being with him. I feel guilty for showing him my friend's (he was a guy) "weird" text. All of this happened in between the time that we got back together from me wanting to break up to him saying he wanted to.

I'm not a saint and i've left a lot of times in the past year. Sure he would act weird or make me mad because of something he did but he wasn't always the one that wanted to leave.

It was an exhausting relationship but I miss him and parts of it.

I wonder if he's still in the hospital, if he got his med's straightened out.

I find his dogs hair everywhere... .  I sing songs for him in my car. I feel pathetic. I gave him back all his stuff and I miss the teddy bears he bought me I hope he didn't throw them away or my shoes that I forgot there. He has all of our memories and I get it I didn't want them but I feel sad thinking that he might not either and he'll throw them away.

I know this is stupid since it's already been a month, but I'm just so sad because I keep on thinking  back to how we were before he was hospitalized and how he said I made him so happy. How can that be the same person that kicked me out of his room and told me not to go into the details of our relationship when two days before he said he loved me and only had eyes for me?.

I'm so confused, and angry and sometimes I get the urge to drive to his house so I can see his dog and him and his parents. That's all his though and not mine but sometimes the urge is so strong.

I feel relieved to be off of the roller coaster but at the same time I keep on looking back and thinking to myself that so much of it seemed genuine like he did love me and i miss those days.

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

Your break up is still very fresh and it's going to be painful. You're reminiscing, you miss him and the good parts of your relationship and it's totally normal. You're being honest and open about how you feel... .  that's good. Were you able to find a therapist and start seeing her? I think this would really benefit you and help you work through feeling so guilty... .  there's gotta be something behind that, don't you think?

[cookiedough]

I just can't believe I was fooled once again into thinking that we might actually be ok for more than 2 months and everything wouldn't fall apart once again.

someone said he used me... .  but I don't think he did I mean he was in a mental hospital obviously he's pretty messed up.

It's just so weird to be so out of synch with someone who you did everything with... .  we did absolutely everything together... .  maybe that was the problem.

I wonder if he'll send me my shoes back.

The saddest part would be if he's screwing around again and partying because that made him sad after the fact he didn't want to be that person and I feel like with me he wasn't because I balanced him out.

I wish he would've just stayed on the depakote.

No I haven't seen a therapist yet I've been so busy with school I haven't even started looking... .  I should though.

[cookiedough]

I guess I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't have said that we should break up even though I took it back and I shouldn't have showed him that text from my guy friend i just did because I wanted to be honest with him.

It's just that people with BPD have abandonment issues and I already knew he was insecure and I feel that by telling him what I did I just pushed him away.

Its weird because two days before that he said it was like something in his head was changing, and I could see that it was.

It's hard because in the 3 months leading up to the hospitalization I was with him almost 24/7 and I saw what he was like when he got off the depakote he was different like possessed almost and there were nights when he would stay up 3 nights in a row.

I think I said we should end it even though I didn't mean it because i was afraid of the person that would come out when he stopped the depakote... .  i was so stressed out!

I even talked to a therapist with him and told him my concerns and the therapist thought he should stay on it but then his main one did not want him to.

I'm so angry and confused and I have all these memories of like 5 different versions of him in my head.

He could be so sweet and caring buying me teddy bears, dropping me off at school but he could also be so cold and almost possessed like a different person.

And no one around me understands why I'm still thinking about this person who hurt me so much, and honestly everyone is kind of tired of hearing about this because they think he was just a bad person but I don't : (.

[ForeverDad]

You're going through a process.  Just as a person with BPD cannot recover overnight, neither can we.  We need time to process our failed relationships.  Counseling and support helps too, whether here, with a professional or trusted friends and family.  Our relationships meant a lot to us, we were emotionally vested, we can't shrug them off as though they were an old tattered coat.  So it's okay to grieve.  Have you read about the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss?

Seems like you're still Walking On Eggshells. :'(  If this had been a normal relationship, he could have weathered the minor ups and downs, bumps and bruises common to all relationships.  But he was/is easily triggered.  And even if you would have succeeded in walking on eggshells back then, there just would have been something else that would have occurred.  The 'end' would have come at some point, sooner or later.

Frankly, no relationship, not even a healthy one, can avoid all problems or things we wish we could undo.  We're all imperfect.  Even you.   Been there, done that.  Please, do not expect too much of yourself, okay?

[cookiedough]

Yeah but I feel like he shrugged me off as if I were "an old tattered coat".

After everything that we'd been through and after showing me that he cared/loved me he just threw it all away so easily... .  like it wasn't even the same person.

It's stupid that I'm trying to rationalize it... .  I've been spending so much time lately just researching all of the med's he was on and reading other stories like mine.

It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who heard things like "i'm not attracted to you" and  "I used you".

The strange thing is that he knew he flip flopped on me. He could feel it coming on the night before our fallout and he talked to the nurse about it (outside the room) and she gave him this BPD therapy slip. We talked about him flip-flopping on me before and he couldn't believe how he acted/what he said after the fact.

But this time it seems real like that was our breaking point and honestly a part of me feels relieved to have time to myself.

It's like he could never be alone... .  that's why i was scared that if I wasn't with him he'd go out and find someone else if even just for one night... .  and he did once (even though he was manic).

When I read that you said I'm still walking on eggshells I cried because thinking back to it I was through the whole relationship which started to make me unhappy near the end.

I don't know what to think.

[cookiedough]

I feel like no one around me understand.

I feel like I'm scared and it might take me a really long time to get over this.

Today my brother said "it be stupid/wouldn't make sense if it took you longer than 2 months to move on"... .  what? Is he serious. I just spend a year on and off with a person that I feel took such a large part of me and I'm still trying to get back up on my feet and understand everything. I can't even think about dating anyone right now... .  or I can think about it but I can't actually do it. It makes me sad because I see people around me that I'm attracted to but I can't/won't talk to them. I just need to be alone right now because people around me just don't understand why I'm still obsessing over this. Arghhhh. Even if he is moving on and screwing around that's not my problem anymore. In my heart what we had was real and one day if he's moving on already now it will come back to haunt him... .  if he really did feel anything for me whatsoever.

[cookiedough]

I feel like I'm wasting away... .  I've lost so much weight it seems.

I know he's not worth it and he has a lot of health problems but I forgot what it's like to live without him... .  but i don't want him back... .  he's not good for me .

[Sabine]

  cookiedough,

Honestly, you're just going through the process and it takes time. There is no magic pill to take you to the other side but if you continue to educate yourself on BPD and maybe talk to a therapist or go to CODA meeting to help you release him by accepting him, (as backwards as that sounds!), you'll begin to feel better. Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

This is no ordinary break up, he has tapped into some of your own insecurities and obsessions and it's making you FEEL... .  

You've got to be selfish and take care of YOUR needs right now, get plenty of sleep, eat nutritiously, go on walks, journal, keep posting here, say positive mantras to yourself out loud, pamper yourself... .  What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Be gentle to yourself... .     

[ForeverDad]

I feel like no one around me understands.

Well, the fact is that most people haven't experienced what you have.  They can't imagine it was THAT bad.

On the other hand, you found kindred souls here because we've walked in your shoes.  We know.  We've been there, lived that.  That's why peer support, especially at the beginning, is so vital for us.  It's more than support, it's validation, it's camaraderie, reassurance that we're not alone and not us who caused it all.

[cookiedough]

Sabine:

Thank you. You are right I do need to take care of myself. I need to focus on school and work and maybe try to spend more time with my family and try not to talk about him : ). I can't promise I won't be back here when I have another break down. You are probably right about the insecurity/obsession thing. I like taking care of people and maybe that's why I got so caught up in taking care of him, or maybe because I actually loved him.

Foreverdad:

Yeah they don't know that when he "switched" on me it was "that bad" and they don't get that I keep on going back through it all because there was a sweet loving side to him and I'm trying to connect the many sides i've seen in the past year and sometimes wishing I was back in that loving stage again even though I know it won't happen unless I want to go through pain again. It's not that he didn't love me its just that he is too emotionally messed up.

[ForeverDad]

Maybe you need to see him as Kaleidoscope Man, many sides, constantly shifting, never stable.

[nowwhatz]

It sounds like he is having a very difficult time emotionally. Hopefully he can get proper medical help and begin feeling a better. It probably isn't a great idea to try and have a romantic relationship with him during this time. Maybe give him some space to see if he can get his life back in control? He is just getting out of the hospital. Considering how dysregulated he has been he probably has great difficulty understanding his own emotions. How are you?

I know that he is but i feel like he played me. I mean I want to believe its the BPD/bipolar confusion talking because I can't believe that after all that time where it seemed like he did love me in that way he was just lying. It's really hard because at this point i'm so angry that i don't want to talk to him.

This is one of the hardest things to understand and deal with. I don't profess to be an expert but now after going through so many recycles I get to the point where I am not taking it as personally... .  still sucks... .  but not as much.

On the surface it looks like we are getting played and getting used. But that is not really the case.

We love them and take care of them because our love is consistent.  I believe their love for us is real... .  when they love us.  

But the disorder makes them totally undependable and unreliable. Could you ever imagine yourself falling in and out of love with some person over and over and over and over again?

That is what they do.  I think it is real but intermittent.

[cookiedough]

Foreverdad:

Yeah that seems like a good way to describe him : ).

Nowwhatz:

Its hard because he wanted to keep in contact and for me to stick around again. I knew that if I did he'd fall "in love" with me again or get back to those romantic feelings because it's happened before.

But I just couldn't stick around this time because of him possibly seeing other people... .  that would've been too much. The funny thing is the day he broke up with me he was scared that I would see another guy that night and said "you wouldn't do that would you"? I wish he was better and he wouldn't have to go through this because no I couldn't imagine what it would be like to fall in and out of love so quickly... .  it must be awful for him too. But I just couldn't stay again because I've been there done that and I always keep on getting hurt. You must be really strong to not let it affect you as much anymore.

[Pou]

do pigs really know how to fly?  you love him and you wish the same would be returned.  but is it possible?  it is seeing a pig being shot out of the canon and ask "can pigs really fly?"  i think the problem with BPD (w/NPD traits) people is that they play out this script in their heads and you happen to fit in their script at certain time and certain part of their lives ... .  so they make you feel super special.  And then, one day ... when you don't exactly fit in where they want you to be, then all hell breaks loose.  and you get confused.