6.01 | What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[united for now]

We read it all the time - "take care of yourself"... .

We're told all the time - "take care of yourself"... .

No one ever tells us HOW  ?

Many of us are so trapped in the FOG of emotional blackmail, that we have no idea how to even begin to "take care of ourselves".

* Our Fear prevents us from going out with friends, cause then our partners will too, and that could mean they cheat on us. Or they could put up such a stink about a few beers after work that it just isn't worth it.

* Our sense of Obligation keeps us doing things for them, since after all, they've done all these wonderful things for us! They've sacrificed so much to be with us.

* Our sense of guilt. They don't go anywhere, so why should we? They need us to be a "partner", and partners do things "together", so why would you want to go out without them? Of course, if you ask them to go with you - they're too tired... .

We give up and sacrifice and walk on eggshells... .:'(

Then along comes these people on this support group, and they keep telling me "take care of yourself" - but I don't know how to let go of the FOG. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what "taking care of myself" even looks like or feels like anymore.

So let's brainstorm... .

Where does "taking care of yourself" begin?

What are some things YOU  can do to "take care of yourself" ?

What are some of the benefits of "taking care of myself" ?

Will it be worth it? the arguments, the guilt, the pressure?

[Lucky Jim]

Great topic, UFN.  In my experience, "taking care of yourself" requires a lot of energy and effort, due to the FOG that you have to overcome, yet to me it is crucial to keep things in perspective and remain grounded in who we Nons are as individuals.  Also, once you've done it a few times, you can anticipate the resistance you will likely receive from your BPD SO. 

You have to be firm in your goal, however, which could be something as simple as having a beer with a friend after work or going to a football game with a college friend.  If you waiver, in my experience, your BPD SO will try to thwart your plans.  It's only when my upbdw realizes that there is no stopping me that she will back down.  Otherwise, she will try to manipulate something in order to alter my plans (probably not in a deliberate way as she is just acting on pure emotion), which I have learned to ignore.

For all these reason, taking care of oneself in a BPD relationship is not as easy as it sounds.

At least that's been my experience.  Thanks to all, Ukeplayer

[GPR]

Where does "taking care of yourself" begin?

It's the mindset.  I'm almost trained to think if her first.  I didn't reailze how bad it was until recently.  She wouldn't even have to ask me to do something for her, just mention it and I volunteer.  This is a small example of the big picture, but, the other night, we were watching TV and the kids were being typical loud little boys, and she said in just regular conversation "I think it's about time for baths".  And I just said, "Yep, let's go" and got up and hurded the boys upstairs.  On my way it hit me, she didn't tell me to do it, she didn't even ask me to do it, I just did it.  Like a trained dog.  Conditional response or something.

You've got to get out of that mindset, which is easier said than done, because it is like a conditioned repsonse.  You can do it without really even thinking about it.  You need to return your first thought to being about you, and not "what will he/she do, think, react, etc."

What are some things YOU  can do to "take care of yourself" ?

Well, to start with I think you can start with the things you WON'T do.  :)on't just accept everything your SO says or does.  :)on't blame yourself, don't guilt yourself.  They can do enough of that for the both of you.  You don't need to join in.  

Then, you can move on into other things.  Get in touch with your friends.  Get out all of that old stuff from your favorite hobby that you used to do.  Get healthy, work out. Spend some time with your family.  Anything that you want to do that you would have no issues with in a "normal" relationship.  

What are some of the benefits of "taking care of myself" ?

Although I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm trying... . I guess what I want to get is my self-confidence and self-respect back.  I want to find that guy I used to be.  I've been trying to work out some, and last night I got all of the stuff to start the P90X routine.  I'm REALLY excited about it.  I've always been a bigger guy, but was always athletic... .especially for my build.  I always tired working out, and I've lost weight, but I never would have time.  Now, I'm going to make time.  I want to feel good about myself again.  I want to feel good and I want to feel comforatable in my own skin again.  And that's not something you can do by flipping some theoretical switch... . you've got to work at it.  

Will it be worth it? the arguments, the guilt, the pressure?

It needs to be worth it.  If the arguments, guilt and pressure are so much that it's not worth doing things for yourself, my guess is you need to ask yourself a different question... . Not, ":)o all of the problems created by taking care of yourself make it worth it"... . You need to ask "Is this relationship worth not being able to take care of yourself?"

[jardin]

For me, taking care of myself right now means 1. creating some emotional and physical distance.  I know that the more I am around her and responsive to the illness, the more FOG I recognize.  As the fear of being alone, the fear of her anger, the obligation of staying and sticking it out, and the guilt of not responding well in times past lifts... .I see parts of myself again.  I see how happy I can be when not under those self-made weights.  I see how much I have going for me. 

Which leads to 2.  expressing, or allowing expression of, those best parts and aspects... .and of me.  Both through words and actions, I get back to the business of expressing who I am.  Playing, talking, reading, engaging with friends, taking classes, hobbies, working hard at my job, learning, writing, saving money... .I get back to those things that I KNOW I loved (and made me feel secure in myself and my life) before I ever met this girl.  And I also grant myself the chance to pursue those new things I have observed liking since... .but never did because I thought she needed me at home.  Finally, I make it clear in my mind that that business is just as important, if not more, then her.  And I set boundaries accordingly. 

Which leads to 3. study the tools, learn about BPD, assess the REAL reasons you are in the relationship.  I fully recognize that by doing all of this and not keeping my head in the sand, I may determine this is not at all what I want.  I may also determine I have the capacity to love and accept and continue.  Either way, going through the process is the best type of self care available as I'm caring about my future and doing the work to make it great. 

[havana]

"I think it's about time for baths".  And I just said, "Yep, let's go" and got up and hurded the boys upstairs.  On my way it hit me, she didn't tell me to do it, she didn't even ask me to do it, I just did it.  Like a trained dog.

Boy, did this hit home. here boy, here boy, go get the stick.

[tranch]

ditto havana... .

sucks to see what you've let happen to you.

I always talk really confidently about boundaries now, about what i'm doing to take care of myself, but i don't think i've been that tested yet. For me it's mostly certain activities I've given up that I will get back to now. and a lot of good friends i will get to hang out with more in the process.

It's actually tough that my BPDw has a lot of common in me. she likes most of the same activities, but not with the same intensity. i started doing this stuff better last summer. i remember the first time i went mtn biking, i went with 2 other guys that are also pretty good friends of my wife. well she was busy at work or something, and she was so jealous that i did something. i really didn't let it go anywhere. omg, i remember how i used to defend myself. ha, so pointless. and actually i had a few really therapeutic nights actually, this one in particular, when she was in the hospital after a suicide attempt, must have been last august or something. i went to this nearby place with open, free beach volleyball at night. dropped my son off to spend the night at my parents, and played from 8 pm to 2 am. So exhausting and felt so good. ha, i still didnt' tell my wife the whole truth on the phone, said i was there 10 to 12 or something, like the more fun i had the more i might have to pay for it. while i was playing though, i was like, man, i can't believe I felt bad doing this stuff in the past. I haven't ever felt like i needed a T, but knew i wasn't comfortable with my life, and that night i was like, THIS is my therapy. Part of what was so good about it is that they were all strangers. no one to ask where my wife was or anything.

And yes it's worth it.

[dados76]

im usually... a pretty independent person... i like space... to think... paint. work... my partner and i share a lot of interests... but hes also a lot busier than i am... his schedule is a lot tighter... i work for myself... so if i need more space... i enjoy my free time during the day... and work later at night... im not ever totally out of touch to him... and hes also... somebody that does better with some space... to think and do his thing... and is good at entertaining himself... space is definitely our friend

i think too... looking at the recovery HALT... hungry... angry... lonely... tired... is the very basics of taking care... admitting those things... and knowing im not at my best when dealing w/any of them... and using that as a cue to take a step back... and deal with me for a while... before other people...

"I think it's about time for baths".  And I just said, "Yep, let's go" and got up and hurded the boys upstairs.  On my way it hit me, she didn't tell me to do it, she didn't even ask me to do it, I just did it.  Like a trained dog.  Conditional response or something.

... jeff foxworthy... has a joke abt that... sitting in bed... hes comfortable... both reading... his wife says ... 'im hot.' ... he gets up and turns the fan on... so it aint just you...

thats also something that... i have to right my natural instinct... to just 'do' things... that i also got from my partners first T... that 'im hot' is not a request... im hot is a statement... 'would you please turn the fan on?' is a request... request... i can respond to... statement... might need validation... or... no response depending what it is...

[Lucky Jim]

You put that well, Jardin:

I get back to those things that I KNOW I loved (and made me feel secure in myself and my life) before I ever met this girl.  And I also grant myself the chance to pursue those new things I have observed liking since... .but never did because I thought she needed me at home.

I think that's what "taking care of oneself" is all about.  I put so much of my life on the "back burner" while responding to my W's emotional needs that I began to lose touch with who I am, and who I was before I met her.  I became isolated from friends and family, and from my self, at tremendous cost to my self-esteem and confidence.

Now I allow myself the space to pursue those things that were once important to me, and still are.  I try to be aware of and follow what Robert Bly describes as the "golden threads," those things that intrigue me and bring me more joy.  It's an ongoing process.  Ukeplayer

[DragoN]

Will it be worth it? the arguments, the guilt, the pressure?

It's worth it.

No one can "make" you do something you don't agree to.

You need to ask "Is this relationship worth not being able to take care of yourself?"

That is the question at the end of that day and quite frankly, No.

[TonyC]

for me i would just take a timeout... .take out my harley., go to see a sister

maybe just go to the mall

just to take a break from the whole BPD ... .for hours maybe for the day... .

i treid to separtate myslef... to get my head screwed on straight... .that was in short term... .

but i also would not engage... the circular conversations... my answers were yes , no,. no validation or anything like that...

[eeyore]

thanks that's why I locked myself into the bathroom.   

[Newstart08]

Taking care of myself took about 2 years of therapy before I figured it out.  I remember reporting to the therapist "I took a bubble bath" or "I got my haircut" as these big "I took care of myself" accomplishments.  It actually meant starting out that small.  I was so used to doing for my H that I neglected myself terribly.  I had to be divorced until I could really learn how to take care of myself.  It meant surrounding myself with the "never good enough" friends -who didn't think I did it wrong, going out to everything I was invited to, making art, eating well, taking a yoga class, traveling alone... .For the most part it meant being comfortable being selfish - doing what I always felt I made excuses not to do. BPDs are emotional vampires who literally suck everything out of you.  If you do not replenish yourself you will wither away.

[united for now]

For me - taking care of myself has become multifaceted.

It means that I step away from any abuse. My feelings and my emotions are important. I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect or to be screamed and belittled - by anyone. When the drama begins and I get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, then it's time for me to take my TIME OUT to read, go for a walk, watch TV, or take a hot shower. Anything to separate me from my partners dysregulation.

It means that I find things to do that make me happy.  For me, that means curling up with a good book, watching a movie with my kids, going for a walk with my dog, coming on here for support, calling a friend. So often we sacrifice what we want to do for fear of displeasing them. We stop playing sports, we stop visiting family or friends, we stop doing our hobbies.  We stop finding pleasure in things that we enjoy. We stop living our life.

I work on radical acceptance whenever possible. It's easy to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's easy to miss out on the simple pleasures of life. That's not what I want. There is so much in my life that I can't control, and worrying and obsessing over it only keeps me unhappy and sad. I want to work on what I can - myself, and stop fretting the small things.

[Lucky Jim]

I totally agree, UFN.  I gave up so much -- sports, friends, family, hobbies -- that for a while there I forgot who I was and was not living my life.  Not a fun place to be, a shadow of my former self.  Now I'm back on my path, pursuing the things that I enjoy.  I don't worry about displeasing my uBPDw; it's for me.

I like how you put that: you "step away" from any abuse.  I, too, have learned to walk away and wait for the storm to pass.  No one deserves to be disrespected or belittled, but it took me a long time to understand that I'm not obligated to be my W's emotional doormat just because I am married to her.

Thanks for expressing these points so well.  Uke

[tranch]

I'm sure those more experienced could apply the right word to this, i'm not going to try.

A lot of us probably are frustrated with our significant others trying to find happiness through us. My BPDw is learning now that she is responsible for that. Not me. It's not my job to make sure she's not bored, that she's satisfied with her life. When I stopped doing things that I used to do, I didn't know about the BPD. I probably figured I could get my happiness from my wife. I lied to myself that it was my decision, but really it was her manipulating me into dropping the things that distracted me from her (whether or not she knew what she was doing). Not that she doesn't give me some happiness, but I don't have to explain that this was no healthier for me than it was for her to depend on me for happiness.

One of the most misleading one of my changes was thinking that I could still do the things I liked, I would just do them with her, since she likes them too. Bad idea, she was able to sabotage everything (unintentionally). I go to the gym twice a week now, without feeling guilty! I'm pumped for this summer.

[qcarolr]

So many times on this board I have been encouraged, and have in turn encouraged others to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. In visiting the workshops looking for tools to help me with my gd5, I came across this workshop. It is from the perspective of a couple, but would like to take to opportunity to get feedback from my parent friends on this board how it can be worded for us as parents needing to - 'step back and take a time out' from our kids. And how this looks with underage teens vs. adult children we are trying to let go of to find their own way.

Can a moderator or someone move this workshop topic to this board for us to work with?

bpdfamily.com > The Exchange > Workshops > Topic: US: what does it mean to take care of yourself?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0#lastPost

qcr 

[qcarolr]

UnitedForNow - thanks for pulling this into the supporting our kids board. All the replies above have given me a lot to think about as I go into my week, needing to get some mail to DD and not wanting to get drawn into any drama with her.

For me - taking care of myself has become multifaceted.

It means that I step away from any abuse. My feelings and my emotions are important. I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect or to be screamed and belittled - by anyone. When the drama begins and I get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, then it's time for me to take my TIME OUT to read, go for a walk, watch TV, or take a hot shower. Anything to separate me from my partners dysregulation.

It means that I find things to do that make me happy.  For me, that means curling up with a good book, watching a movie with my kids, going for a walk with my dog, coming on here for support, calling a friend. So often we sacrifice what we want to do for fear of displeasing them. We stop playing sports, we stop visiting family or friends, we stop doing our hobbies.  We stop finding pleasure in things that we enjoy. We stop living our life.

I work on radical acceptance whenever possible. It's easy to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It's easy to miss out on the simple pleasures of life. That's not what I want. There is so much in my life that I can't control, and worrying and obsessing over it only keeps me unhappy and sad. I want to work on what I can - myself, and stop fretting the small things

These three things really do help me to help myself. I am trying to enjoy the lack of contact from DD - thoughts of her still preoccupy my thinking too much of the day, and dominate my conversation if there is a willing listener nearby (ie. my sister stopped by yesterday and I got really caught up in the storytelling about DD's homeless lifestlye. Dh thinks I was insensitive to hints to change to a new story. Sis finally interjected "how often do you see DD anyway that you seem to know so much about her homeless life?" This did stop me cold. I was so unaware of how I was sharing this story. SHe is the only one of my six siblings that will let me talk at all about DD, so maybe I did overdose her a little with it. i will check in with her via email and apologize if I offended her in any way. )

So I am trying to find fun things to do for just me - but have very little 'just me' time or don't choose to carve it out or focus on myself when those briefs little 'just me' windows of time are here. I tend to do chores, pay bills, or get lost in thought about DD 'stuff'. Then suddenly gd is home on the school bus, dh is home from work and family life focus takes over. Or I am at work. How do I teach myself to focus on 'me'?

I have read the Radical Acceptance stuff on bpdfamily.com, have created a short 3 page vesion of the wonderful workshop that i can refer to, and try to practice TURNING MY MIND away from DD and her issues. It is getting easier, and a little more automatic. Then I have a converation like yesterday with Sis, and wonder where was my mind turning to then.

I'll be back again on this thread. Hope to hear from my parent friends here.

qcr xoxox

[united for now]

How do I teach myself to focus on 'me'?

Baby steps  xoxox

Bad habits are broken by making a commitment to change, and then bringing the energy to doing just that - changing.

If you can't start by doing big things, then start by doing little things. Prepare a list of easy to do things that don't require a lot of time, money or effort to do. Write them down and post them on the bathroom mirror where you can't help but see them a few times a day. These little reminders will help you from losing golden opportunities to engage in a little self care.

Now, it may feel strange at first to be nice to yourself. You may feel a little guilty or a little awkward - just push yourself through that feeling and persevere - or - as they say "fake it till you make it" 

[HappyGoLucky]

RUN RUN RUN!

For me... .I was angry all the time, embarrassed and humiliated by the things my daughter did in our small community. It seemed like everyone was judging me and my family, everyone knew what was going on and even our extended family were being hurtful and judgemental. Sometimes... .I felt like I couldn't face people when I went out to do the food shopping etc.

Counselling helped... .my marriage was slowly falling apart with the stress and nobody was on the same page regarding how we were dealing with things!

So I started running for my life!

Slowly but surely I started... .mainly walking, then with short bursts of a slow jog.

I started to look forward to this time by myself... .I gave myself permission to let go! To let go of lots of things!

Then I bought a heart rate monitor and used this as I walked and jogged... .only jogging to hear the beep on the monitor to say that I was burning fat! Then I would go back to a walk and get ready for the beep to say pick up my pace!

I continue to jog everyday... .I use my heart rate monitor and run/walk like an interval type of training!

After 12 months of this... .I entered into my first fun run in our State.

I went along and completed the course with ease!

Today... .I have a much better head space and sure things still get to us! My husband, son and I are living our lives and not entering into the manipulation as we hardly hear from our daughter these days!

Keep on keeping on!

Squarepeg

[jenny50]

I think my 2 biggest problems are being a laid back, easy going type person and enjoying doing things at home (I prefer to be home than going out). My great joy is having the house to myself and just putting my feet up with a good book or some craft work. The trouble is my SO takes advantage of this. I am expected to be there at the correct times to make meals and yes if he misplaces anything then he expects me to jump up and search till I find it. I am basically a doormat!  Thing is he doesn't shout... .I'd shout back if he did, He isn't violent... .I'd walk out if he was, he just sulks. I really don't understand why but I can't cope with someone who sulks and gives me the cross, silent treatment. I am making small changes. I no longer deliver his mail to his lap when it arrives, I no longer put his clean clothes away  and I no longer clear away any mess he leaves. I wish I could do more but this fear somehow has me trapped. Any suggestions gratefully received  ? I have never been this honest before even with myself so perhaps that's a start.

[lbjnltx]

do for others only what you are happily willing to do... .anything else can create resentment and hostility.

btw:  the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

lbjnltx

[jenny50]

 Thanks lbjnltx. I used to be happy, willingly doing some of these things but then the more I did for him the less he seemed to do for me. I feel like a housekeeper now. I am making changes... .slowly and I am taking steps to get stronger mentally and physically with a view to leaving eventually. I admit I hadn't seen the silent treatment as abuse... .interesting. How do I get out of this irrational fear? The silent treatment  freaks me out more than aggression and that does not make sense.

[lbjnltx]

dear jenny50,

here is a link to a thread on the silent treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70004.0

lbjnltx

[jenny50]

Thank you... .it makes much more sense having read that. I heard last week of a woman who was getting the silent treatment from her hubby. This went on for a couple of days then the woman started searching the house opening and closing cupboards and drawers. Eventually her hubby could stand it no longer and in a very cross voice asked "what on earth are you searching for?" " Oh it's ok" she says "I've found it now, I thought I'd lost your voice" 

[lbjnltx]

 

[pennifree]

For me, taking care of me started as doing nice things for myself and making sure to do things outside of the home.  Now it's both of those things and more.

Taking care of me means:

that I maintain boundaries around how I am treated by others

that I respect myself and my needs

that I speak up about my needs if they are not being met

that I respect others needs and boundaries

that I work to resolve issues as they come up as best I can

pennifree

[briefcase]

After years of depression, isolation, and verbal abuse, I arrived here in very bad shape.  I had to start "taking care of myself" at a very basic level.  

I reconnected with my parents, my brother and other extended family, and friends.

I read Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I made a point of taking care of myself physically.  I got a physical.  I ate healthier foods.  I exercised daily.  I tried to get good sleep.  I lost about 30 pounds (some of which, I am sorry to say, I have since found again).

I found a good therapist and went to her for about 18 months.  It was a very positive experience and worth every penny.  

I hired a divorce lawyer and learned about my legal options.  

This one sounds a little weird . . . but I actually had re-learn a lot of little things about myself and what I like and don't like.  It felt a little like recovering from amnesia.  I would be taking my evening walk and thinking about what my favorite foods were, my favorite colors, hobbies that I liked, music that I liked, favorite authors and poets, etc.  Lots of little things that I once took for granted, I actually had to spend time remembering because my life had not had room for those kinds of thoughts for such a long time.  

I then spent time making sure I did some things that I liked, such as watching TV shows and movies that I enjoyed, eating food I liked, reading books, etc.

These things helped me regain a seperate identity from my wife and the marriage.  I got emotionally stonger as I did these things.  I kept reading and learning about BPD too.

As I got stronger, "taking care of myself" started to include more organized efforts to reconnect with and communicate with my wife.  I started with boundaries.  Then came validation.  These things took a lot of practice and still do.  I was also able to tackle other problems in my life.  I paid off debts.  Focused more on work.  Protected the kids more.  I imagine for those who take a different path, this stage might also include ending the relationship.

Right now, I am trying to make sure I am still on a path that leads somewhere.  So, "taking care of myself" now includes things like thinking about goals, considering what "happiness" means to me, and thinking about the future.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Briefcase!

I, too, was lost for a while there and completely forgot who I was, what I was about, what I liked or disliked, and who my friends were, and had to re-learn all of those things.  It was not fun to discover that I had become sort of a shadow, with next to nothing left of myself, so-to-speak, as I'm sure you know.

I found that, by taking care of myself, I regained the power to regenerate, like a lizard growing another tail.

For me, it was very much like recovering from amnesia, as you describe.  Maybe I'm still not entirely "there" yet, but am confident that I'm back on my path, which feels good, and genuine, wherever it may lead.

Thanks for putting it so well into words!  Uke

[tranch]

For me, relearning who i was, and actually starting to live differently also coincided with growing apart from my wife. There was a lot of additional drama included. But as I started trying to be an independent individual, she complained I wasn't the same person any more. (i thought, "Good!" I feel like i was so ingrained into her, that once i started pulling my identity out of her, she didn't "feel" the same. I wasn't "nice" any more b/c I didn't enable her to hurt me or other people for the sake of her comfort or wishes.

I think the growing apart was really just naturally moving to the point that we already would have been had we not been so codependent and dishonest with ourselves. It's kind of a shame b/c since we didn't have a healthy relationship, and didn't have our own identities, we weren't able to make adjustments and improve our relationship as it went along. Instead, we both added more conflict, and when I finally started acting in a healthier way, enough damage was made that it seemed it didn't even make sense to be together any more.

[jardin]

February 2010.  That was about a month or so I think after I first learned about PDs.  Based on what happened between then and now, everything I wrote here was 100% intellectual exercise and HOPE... .and not actually how I was living.  I was not out of the FOG... .not doing my own thing... .still totally wrapped up in her.  Addicted.  And codependent as hell.  This is all evidenced by the lack of any real change or extinction burst until about August of this year.  From February until then... .pretty much status quo.  Obviously working on it, learning, maybe even small attempts... .but yeah, just more of the same.  It really wasn't until about August that the lightbulb clicked on.  Which was evidenced by a major extinction burst... .and a lot of change... .and now finally over the last month or two... .lots and lots of resolution and stability.  Now that I see what works - it's not really intellectual anymore, just becoming habit and the way I am and live... .