Wife with co-morbid BPD/NPD

[LovingZap]

Hi there.  I hope you can help.  I am a newbie to the site and to the condition.   I want to ask you what you think my wife's game plan would be when we move to the UK and what I can do to protect myself and my kids.  Briefly, my wife and her parents are NPD sufferers.  They are Japanese.  I have been suffering from marital abuse which started the day after the wedding 9 years ago. Last Christmas she said twice, "I'll see you broken, penniless, alone and sick!" And she said it with venom.  Of course there is no rational reason why she would want to.   I built a successful business over the last 8 years.  When we came to sell it in May prospective buyers said the books were fishy. This year I was diagnosed with cancer.  I had a successful operation last summer.  I decided to change or I would die  before my time right then.  She insisted I go back to work ASAP but I held out and now her/our plan is for me and my 8 year old son to go back to the UK in the new year.  She will have to stay in Japan for 6 months while we apply for a visa.  When she has it she will come over with the golden child, my 3 year old daughter.  In the meantime she will move in with her parents, who are very controlling and rich of course, and she will go to work here in Japan.  Getting her to work has been a terrible fight but as I had cancer there was no way out for her.  Obviously she won't change in the UK but I get to move the kids away from the grandparents, get her contributing to the family income and stop the egregious abuses of the Japanese system which only acts in her favour.  She has built a very strong negative coalition against me amongst her friends and family and this is one of her favourite techniques.  So, what do you think will happen after we move and what can I do to protect myself so this can never ever happen again?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxen]

hi again LovingZap   i'm glad that you've stayed with us and have found your way around the boards. 

your situation sounds really painful, and i'm sorry to read about it. i should say now that i'm not in my marriage anymore (i stayed, though my wife decided otherwise for herself). so perhaps others will come along who can speak to techniques for coping. we have a good primer on communication, Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). based on what you write in you OP, you may also want to read Stop accusations and blaming and Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting. what you're describing though is verbal abuse. please don't minimize the accumulated impact of that on yourself or your children.

i'd like to focus on one thing you wrote:

Obviously she won't change in the UK

your commitment to your marriage and your children is really admirable and i sincerely hope you can come to an accommodation. however, your conclusion here is pretty reasonable. please have a read through the links and see how they may be able to help.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi LovingZap

Wow what a painful situation for you to be in. I am no expert but I would jus tlike to say good for you for determining to fight the cance ryou had - it must have been a difficult thing to go through and I'm glad you have had some success with the operation as well as addressing your thought patterns.

In the end, the choices we make dictate the lives we lead. Of course we can't control all the things that happen to us or the way people will act to us but we can change the way we respond. it's great that you are trying to take care of yourself and find the best possible way to be a father in the face of your conflicts.

I am dismayed to hear the way your wife spoke to you - what an unkind thing to say! No one deserves to be spoken to like that - it must have caused you deep distress.

I am also sorry to hear that there have been forces arrayed against you who would normally be loving and supportive. it is difficult to deal with I'm sure.

The information that maxen has recommended will surely be of service to you. The better you understand your wife's state of mind the better able you will be to to deal with friction as it arises.

I also hope you keep posting as expressing yourself and seeing what you have to say will be of no end of benefit to you

Wishing you some peace and calm in your life

Ziggiddy

[Aussie JJ]

I will chip in with one thing here,

We are able to assist with showing different communication techniques and ways to reduce conflict.  With the Japanese immigration/child protection law they have not signed up for an extradition treaty thing (Hague convention?) for children's rights when taken from other parents.  Essentially if the child has a Japanese passport and she decides to stay in Japan you are absolutely screwed. 

You have no rights in there court system and the grandparents will get preferential treatment over you.  Play long term here and make sure when you are in the UK you get them UK visas and do everything you can to prevent this course of action from occuring.  This may include getting some legal advice about this specific issue. 

I dont know the ins and outs however it isn't a pretty system. 


AJJ. 

[livednlearned]

Hi LovingZap,

You have been through so much, and have a difficult situation to navigate. How are you doing right now? Health ok? How does your wife feel about you leaving for the UK during the Visa process?

Is there a chance your wife might change her mind and decide to not join you in the UK?

[LovingZap]

Hi LovingZap,

You have been through so much, and have a difficult situation to navigate. How are you doing right now? Health ok? How does your wife feel about you leaving for the UK during the Visa process?

Is there a chance your wife might change her mind and decide to not join you in the UK?

  I am getting regular checks at the hospital so I am OK.  I have had three months off work and realised I have had PTSD for some time!  I'm working on that.  Yes, the visa is the risk.  I am thinking about rearranging it and you have correctly spotted the situation.  Splitting brother and sister for 6 months will impact both their lives.  It seems she only makes decisions which include hurtful elements without nodding to the ecology of the family!  Thanks for the support

[LovingZap]

I will chip in with one thing here,

We are able to assist with showing different communication techniques and ways to reduce conflict.  With the Japanese immigration/child protection law they have not signed up for an extradition treaty thing (Hague convention?) for children's rights when taken from other parents.  Essentially if the child has a Japanese passport and she decides to stay in Japan you are absolutely screwed. 

You have no rights in there court system and the grandparents will get preferential treatment over you.  Play long term here and make sure when you are in the UK you get them UK visas and do everything you can to prevent this course of action from occuring.  This may include getting some legal advice about this specific issue. 

I dont know the ins and outs however it isn't a pretty system. 


AJJ. 

  Yes this has been a REALLY big bugbear!  My wife has basically held the two kids as leverage to get me to toe the line.  When I became aware that she was doing that I was flabbergasted.  However, the Japanese government signed up to the Hague treaty this April.  Thanks for the reply and helping me see the wood from the trees.

[LovingZap]

Hi LovingZap

Wow what a painful situation for you to be in. I am no expert but I would jus tlike to say good for you for determining to fight the cance ryou had - it must have been a difficult thing to go through and I'm glad you have had some success with the operation as well as addressing your thought patterns.

In the end, the choices we make dictate the lives we lead. Of course we can't control all the things that happen to us or the way people will act to us but we can change the way we respond. it's great that you are trying to take care of yourself and find the best possible way to be a father in the face of your conflicts.

I am dismayed to hear the way your wife spoke to you - what an unkind thing to say! No one deserves to be spoken to like that - it must have caused you deep distress.

I am also sorry to hear that there have been forces arrayed against you who would normally be loving and supportive. it is difficult to deal with I'm sure.

The information that maxen has recommended will surely be of service to you. The better you understand your wife's state of mind the better able you will be to to deal with friction as it arises.

I also hope you keep posting as expressing yourself and seeing what you have to say will be of no end of benefit to you

Wishing you some peace and calm in your life

Ziggiddy

  Peace and calm!  Thanks very much indeed!  So sorely needed.

[LovingZap]

hi again LovingZap   i'm glad that you've stayed with us and have found your way around the boards. 

your situation sounds really painful, and i'm sorry to read about it. i should say now that i'm not in my marriage anymore (i stayed, though my wife decided otherwise for herself). so perhaps others will come along who can speak to techniques for coping. we have a good primer on communication, Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). based on what you write in you OP, you may also want to read Stop accusations and blaming and Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting. what you're describing though is verbal abuse. please don't minimize the accumulated impact of that on yourself or your children.

i'd like to focus on one thing you wrote:

Obviously she won't change in the UK

your commitment to your marriage and your children is really admirable and i sincerely hope you can come to an accommodation. however, your conclusion here is pretty reasonable. please have a read through the links and see how they may be able to help.

  Thank you very much for the tools.  I have seen them before but still at the novice stage.  I know they are very valuable and I am grateful to you for taking the time to introduce them to me.  Getting support from everyone on the board is like rain to parched soil.  Many thanks.

[LovingZap]

Wow, almost two years to the day since I last posted!  There's a coincidence.  The upshot is that my son and I did leave Japan in April 2015 and moved to the UK but before we left my wife was horribly abusive and gave me a "grand finale" of abuse.  The same day we flew to the UK, a truck with a grabber came for my car to trash it, she hauled the whole family around the bank and put me on display in a humiliating show, dumped my clothes and books and so on while castigating me all the way.  We have only been in contact online, but she is abusive and is harsh on my daughter. 

Of course, she has refused to come to the UK!

I hope to be able to get some advice and share experiences with others.

Many thanks.