What are examples of BPD manipulation?

[Tim300]

So many of the BPD forums and articles mention manipulation by BPDs.  Perhaps it would be useful and empowering to share with one another some examples of manipulation that we've seen.  Anybody have any useful insights of clear manipulations of Nons?  Thanks.  

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[butterfly 27]

Hello Tim300

Manipulation is one of the characteristics of a BPD, they use manipulation to get something they need or a way to control others in their lives and influence their behavior.

An example of when they are using the manipulation against you is when the person with BPD is approaching you for a favor, they are warmer or more flattering than they are at other times or when they don't get what they want they use emotional blackmail threatening to end the relationship or blackmailing in a way that they know that you will back off and give them what they want. .

It's like a child who wants a sweet but if the father or mother refuses, they start to make tantrums and dramas to get what they want...

[Tim300]

Thanks Butterfly,

Mine did seem to drastically up her demands (or change our mutually agreed upon plans) when she knew I was on the hook (e.g., when she knew I was emotionally invested or when I was committed to not breaking off our engagement).  For example, she might agree to live with me in town X if we got engaged, but then once the ring was on her finger she would create a bunch of drama and excuses surrounding moving to town X, then forcing me to move to town Y (her preferred choice all along).  She also did this with her student loans.  She promised to pay the loans on her own, but then once we were engaged she straight up asked me to pay them.  If we had gotten married, I'm sure it would have been nonstop ":)o X or I'm filing for divorce."  Because BPDs don't seem to fall in love or respect the institution of marriage, they have quite a leg up in negotiating versus a spouse.

Also, I noticed at the end that she would say something like "Hey handsome" when she was about to ask me for a favor.

I didn't see her manipulate friends or acquaintances much.  Her mother on the other hand (who also had BPD) seemed to take great pleasure in manipulating businesses, her employer, etc., always looking for some way to con others.  Her mother even parked in handicapped parking spots using a handicapped tag that wasn't hers.   

[butterfly 27]

The BPD often get angry or rage with little provocation. This alone can be seen as a form of manipulation too. If you avoid saying or doing certain things out of fear that your actions will trigger a rage from the person with BPD, this in and of itself is manipulation.

Learning to say "NO" to someone you like, which is BPD is often very difficult, but it is necessary and in doing so you set limits that allow you to take better care of yourself and have a relationship that is free of manipulation.

(I hope I have helped you  )

[Crumbling]

My BPDh would get all sweet on me and initiate sex the day before he would buy liquor.  He's an alcoholic, and it was his way of getting what he wanted before he did something he knew would hurt me. I got to a point where I would ward of the advances knowing what was coming.  If he didn't get sex that day, then his liquor purchase would happen sooner, he had nothing to loose.

And that's a big part of why I don't like having sex with him now.

c.

[AnnaK]

":)ear... .you told me you are a professor... .vegetarian... .we wanted to marry... .how come you are married, alcoholic and jobless? "

"You hurt me in my best feelings! I am leaving now! It's over forever! Don't touch me!  "

[Mie]

The BPD often get angry or rage with little provocation. This alone can be seen as a form of manipulation too. If you avoid saying or doing certain things out of fear that your actions will trigger a rage from the person with BPD, this in and of itself is manipulation.

I never thought it that way! That certainly happens a lot.

When he wants me to do something he says that very directly. He actually gives orders.

[butterfly 27]

The BPD often get angry or rage with little provocation. This alone can be seen as a form of manipulation too. If you avoid saying or doing certain things out of fear that your actions will trigger a rage from the person with BPD, this in and of itself is manipulation.

I never thought it that way! That certainly happens a lot.

When he wants me to do something he says that very directly. He actually gives orders.

When the BPD treat us well and are lovely with us is because they are planning something or ask a favor, so when we refused and said "no" to them, it triggers frustration and consequently, the anger because they have not achieved what they wanted.

[Cloudy Days]

I noticed once my husband did something truly terrible that he would turn around and be truly wonderful. Basically trying to get me to forget what he had just done. He would ask me to cuddle and watch a romantic movie, something he refuses to do if he is in a normal every day mood. Will cook me breakfast and help me with the house.

On the other side when he want's something and I say no to it, I get the ultimate guilt trip. You don't love me or respect me, then it moves onto I want a divorce. And it if gets really serious he will act like he is going to call my mother or his mother to come and pick me up because he wants a divorce. This is rare but it has happened more than once.

[RR4U]

I constantly hear you know how much i love you if im hooked and on the other side i should move back with my mom. He'll say i want a divorce or ill just find someone else. They are great using our triggers to there advantage.