Our Brief Story

[Parents+]

Our child is now 34.  A single mother with a 4 year old.  Her marriage lasted 2 years and was full of domestic violence.  It has been 3 years since the divorce. 

As her parents, we are the only support she has.  She has no friends or other support.  She has had BPD symptoms for at least 14 years and PTSD from the physical beatings.  She appears to hate us and tells us frequently, even though we have financially emotionally supported her due to her inability to manage a budget or avoid disasterous financial consequences.  She doesn't have health insurance, car insurance, and her EX refuses to pay child support.  She is self medicating with pot and is constantly in fear that her child will be taken away.  She has had a job for two years and an apartment.  She has moved breaking a prior lease with possible legal challenges soon. 

Her job relationship is tenuous due to her very poor relationship with boss and co-workers.  She comes in late frequently and leaves work at noon due to outbursts.   

As parents we have been in therapy together for the past year, with a psychologist with BPD expertise.   She refuses to get help because she has no health insurance.    We can no longer support her financially.  Our savings are depleted. 

We know she is getting worse and complete disaster and homelessness is around the corner.  Participating in a support group would really benefit us and hopefully our daughter if somehow we can figure a way to get her help she refuses.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Parents+,

I wanted to warmly welcome you to bpdfamily 

You are in the right place with people who understand. It can feel sometimes like the dread of worse-case scenarios will consume you. For that reason, self-care is so important. There are many tools and skills, as well as lessons in the sidebar to the right. In particular, validation is a foundational skill. Does the therapist you are working with help you apply communication skills like this?

I'm also wondering if your daughter know that you will no longer be able to support her financially? Does she live nearby? How is your granddaughter holding up?

I'm so glad you joined and hope you find support here that will ease some of your burden. 

LnL

[lbjnltx]

Hi Parents+

I'm so glad that you are a member here and I hope to be a source of support and encouragement for you.

Is it that your daughter denies she needs help that she refuses to go to family therapy (it can be billed under your insurance) or does she not want to participate alongside you?

If it is the former, this article on Anosognosia may help you understand it from her perspective.  There is also an accompanying video series to give you some actionable points to implement that can improve your relationship with your daughter.

I look forward to hearing back from you and your thoughts on the article and videos.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

lbj

[Parents+]

Hi Parents+

I'm so glad that you are a member here and I hope to be a source of support and encouragement for you.

Is it that your daughter denies she needs help that she refuses to go to family therapy (it can be billed under your insurance) or does she not want to participate alongside you?

If it is the former, this article on Anosognosia may help you understand it from her perspective.  There is also an accompanying video series to give you some actionable points to implement that can improve your relationship with your daughter.

I look forward to hearing back from you and your thoughts on the article and videos.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

lbj

Thank you so much for the reply.  We read the article and totally agree with the content.   Our daughter won't go with us to family therapy... .we have proposed family therapy frequently.  She has given two reasons for refusing therapy.   1.  Her Ex husband frequently threatens to take custody or her son. She believes that if the family court sees a mental health care medical record, they will deem her unfit and he could get custody.  2. Her strategy historically has been to blame us for all her issues in order to compel us to support her.  We have now notified her that we can no longer provide financial support, but until the next major need occurs she hasn't indicated that she understands our financial situation.  Our therapists have counseled us on communication processes and we try to utilize the preferred language and continue to learn.  We are in constant learning mode and will be taking advantage of the resources the family connections provide.

[lbjnltx]

Can she not attend family therapy without a medical record?  Attending under your policy coverage doesn't seem like it would be on her record.

How do you respond to her when she blames you for her problems?


lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Parents+,

Sometimes facts aren't necessarily what our kids wants to hear... .I will say, though, that my family court was very pro-therapy and looked on it favorably, for both parents, and for our child. In fact, refusing to comply with therapy is what led (in part) to my ex (BPD) to lose custody.

I will also say that if your D is diagnosed BPD, it's possible that it could be used against her in court, tho for the most part the courts don't seem to mind the diagnosis so much as the resistance to therapy and the pattern of behaviors that don't change.

My son's therapist asked me what to put down as the diagnostic code -- there are therapists who do not want to dissuade their clients from seeing them because of insurance diagnostic codes, and they will work with the family.

With people who are fearful of therapy (because therapy is challenging, and can be very scary for people that suffer from a lot of shame) there may be reasons they avoid it (what they say) versus the real reasons for why they avoid it (feeling exposed and judged).