Why can’t I just be more patient and understanding?

[JustJack]

I’ve read No More Walking on Eggshells and today I made the mistake of blurting out to my wife that I believe she has BPD (suggested to me by my counselor) and that she’s seeking help for the wrong stuff.

It was stupid, but now the cat is sort of out of the bag.

We’ve had a great 2 months, but today she started in on me for all the things I've done wrong (which is her perception, and not something I agree with)

I’m very attentive, and spend a tremendous amount of time with her. And doting on her when I can.

But sometimes she just ... slips into this lashing out behavior.

I should know better than to engage. I should be sympathetic, and understanding. It’s just hard sometimes... heck, maybe I’m not supposed to be understanding.

I’m working in setting boundaries (like walking away when I’m frustrated) but it seems to make it worse, and at some point I get frustrated and say something crappy.

If she’s happy, we’re happy.

If she’s not happy, we’re miserable.

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[pursuingJoy]

JustJack, probably not great to share your discovery with your wife but everyone on this board has made mistakes in the learning process. You're in good company. We get it!

Did walking on eggshells help you understand your wife's motivation a little bit? What do you think is driving her lashing out behavior?

My story is a little different in that my MIL is BPD, my husband is heavily enmeshed with her and displays some learned BPD behaviors. He doesn't know anything about the probable BPD diagnosis so we are talking about simple boundaries in MC. My journey in this is completely separate and different from his, which is SO hard. I have to keep reminding myself that we share a common goal: to protect our marriage.

You mention that she's seeking help for the wrong stuff...what is she seeking help for?

We're glad to walk through this storm with you!

pj

[JustJack]

Hey there thanks!

She has several related diagnosis. Ptsd, anxiety disorder.

She admits attachment disorder,  self loathing/low self esteem and t he lashing out stuff.

I guess packaging it up as BPD sounds like saying “You got the mental herpes” so I get it. If you already suffer from low self esteem that’s a lot to handle.

We’re working on the basic things that can help in any case. Empathy, validation, understanding, love.