How Love Dies (venting)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I remember falling for my ex years ago. I was willing to accept her flaws and insecurities because well I could relate to a lot of her issues at the time. We were both nerdy and kind of socially awkward so I thought we were a great fit. In time I noticed her very childish behavior and her domineering mother.

Over the years I noticed that she seemed to obsess over childhood and teenage happenings to a greater degree than I ever did. She had unrealistic expectations from me as opposed to herself. Time went on and I wanted to progress the relationship to another level but she kept making excuses at the same time complaining about what she wanted.

She broke up with me once because she blamed me for the direction of her life as if I had that much control over her. She said she wanted to get married but she had made excuses when I wanted to move toward that. I suggested that before marriage and kids we should be both financially stable. That's NOT a unreasonable request. She never got a real job but expected to have a child myself and her now deceased mom to pay for.

More years passed and she came to blame me for everything. Her lack of a work history and employment when I suggested years ago that she make a paper trail or verifiable work history. She blamed me for how much money she spent as if I was responsible for a grown woman's spending habits. She mentioned cutting herself and wanting to commit suicide but I don't know if this was for attention or not.

When her mom died she got worse and she blamed me for how she feels about herself. Which is not mine or any other person's fault.  The arguments and attacks grew worse and more frequent and I was constantly on the defensive. It got to a point I could predict her rages at times. Her financial problems grew worse (she inherited a little money from her mom) and I at the time couldn't help her because I had problems of my own. That was my fault also.  I suggested that she seek some form of counseling, out side of her family and not connected to me either. She refused.  Our last fight she started was over something stupid that we had fought over before. I was completely exhausted at that point.

Over time the love I felt turned to ashes and resentment. On some level I do still have feelings for her but they will never be what they were. In the end she said that I was controlling. If setting boundaries and defending myself is controlling so be it. In the end she was the victim as always. I feel wasted and the future seems like a cold and lonely place.

[Aesir]

I remember falling for my ex years ago. I was willing to accept her flaws and insecurities because well I could relate to a lot of her issues at the time. We were both nerdy and kind of socially awkward so I thought we were a great fit. In time I noticed her very childish behavior and her domineering mother.

Over the years I noticed that she seemed to obsess over childhood and teenage happenings to a greater degree than I ever did. She had unrealistic expectations from me as opposed to herself. Time went on and I wanted to progress the relationship to another level but she kept making excuses at the same time complaining about what she wanted.

She broke up with me once because she blamed me for the direction of her life as if I had that much control over her. She said she wanted to get married but she had made excuses when I wanted to move toward that. I suggested that before marriage and kids we should be both financially stable. That's NOT a unreasonable request. She never got a real job but expected to have a child myself and her now deceased mom to pay for.

More years passed and she came to blame me for everything. Her lack of a work history and employment when I suggested years ago that she make a paper trail or verifiable work history. She blamed me for how much money she spent as if I was responsible for a grown woman's spending habits. She mentioned cutting herself and wanting to commit suicide but I don't know if this was for attention or not.

When her mom died she got worse and she blamed me for how she feels about herself. Which is not mine or any other person's fault.  The arguments and attacks grew worse and more frequent and I was constantly on the defensive. It got to a point I could predict her rages at times. Her financial problems grew worse (she inherited a little money from her mom) and I at the time couldn't help her because I had problems of my own. That was my fault also.  I suggested that she seek some form of counseling, out side of her family and not connected to me either. She refused.  Our last fight she started was over something stupid that we had fought over before. I was completely exhausted at that point.

Over time the love I felt turned to ashes and resentment. On some level I do still have feelings for her but they will never be what they were. In the end she said that I was controlling. If setting boundaries and defending myself is controlling so be it. In the end she was the victim as always. I feel wasted and the future seems like a cold and lonely place.

[calledandchosen]

In my opinion, when we put others before our values and before God, we are wasting our efforts.  I believe it's a form of idolatry.  It sounds like you have good instincts and should stick with them.  If you are suffering depression due to loneliness, I urge you to follow your faith in your higher purpose.  Romantic relationships are wonderful, but not worship material. 

Sound like you are at the cusp of moving into a really positive new place in your life, and I urge you to not give up.  You're doing great.

[Aesir]

In my opinion, when we put others before our values and before God, we are wasting our efforts.  I believe it's a form of idolatry.  It sounds like you have good instincts and should stick with them.  If you are suffering depression due to loneliness, I urge you to follow your faith in your higher purpose.  Romantic relationships are wonderful, but not worship material. 

Sound like you are at the cusp of moving into a really positive new place in your life, and I urge you to not give up.  You're doing great.

Thanks. I needed to hear that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Aesir, How long ago did you part ways with your Ex?  Those w/BPD are generally incapable of taking responsibility for their behavior, so blame is an effective way of shifting responsibility to the Non.  In other words, it's a way to get something off their plate and onto yours; when it works, the ball is moved into your court, so-to-speak.  I wonder whether this technique proved effective because it seems like you have shouldered more than your fair share of the blame.  I say that because it sounds like you feel a need to explain or justify leaving the r/s, whereas from my perspective you made a smart move to get out of an unhealthy situation.  Suggest you treat yourself with compassion and care as you continue the detaching process.

LuckyJim

[Aesir]

Hey Aesir, How long ago did you part ways with your Ex?  Those w/BPD are generally incapable of taking responsibility for their behavior, so blame is an effective way of shifting responsibility to the Non.  In other words, it's a way to get something off their plate and onto yours; when it works, the ball is moved into your court, so-to-speak.  I wonder whether this technique proved effective because it seems like you have shouldered more than your fair share of the blame.  I say that because it sounds like you feel a need to explain or justify leaving the r/s, whereas from my perspective you made a smart move to get out of an unhealthy situation.  Suggest you treat yourself with compassion and care as you continue the detaching process.

LuckyJim

I agree with you. On a intellectual level I knew the blaming had no foundation in fact and something was wrong with her thought processes. On a emotional level after I heard the same arguments repeatedly for months/years some of it took root. It's been 7 months since I broke up with her after a several year relationship so I'm still trying to sort things out.

[Lucky Jim]

On a emotional level after I heard the same arguments repeatedly for months/years some of it took root.

Right, same thing happened to me over a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  It's akin to brainwashing.  My Ex convinced me that I was a terrible person.  After parting ways, I learned that others liked and accepted me the way I am, which helped me to see that my Ex's views of me were flawed, subject to her black and white thinking.  Suggest you give yourself a break by letting go of the blame.

LuckyJim