Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in Walmart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

On an off note. All she really had to do is be faithful and throw me a bone every once in a while and I probably would have stayed with her until I died. But noo, those 2 requests were too much trouble for her to process. See! That's why I can't have nice things!

What a life... .

[fred6]

This week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in Walmart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

On an off note. All she really had to do is be faithful and throw me a bone every once in a while and I probably would have stayed with her until I died. But noo, those 2 requests were too much trouble for her to process. See! That's why I can't have nice things!

What a life... .

[peiper]

Think of all the pain. I equate yearning her like I yearn for another vasectomy.

Pain, yearning, despair, it's all there. Yes, this week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in wal mart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

On an off note. All she really had to do is be faithful and throw me a bone every once in a while and I probably would have stayed with her until I died. But noo, those 2 requests were too much trouble for her to process. See! That's why I can't have nice things! What a life... .

Fred for me the reality was how long do I carry a torch for something that would cheat, lie and abuse me. No ! I would rather run to WalMart and hit myself in the head. It will heal in a few weeks. Go get a healthy woman and be happy. Life is too short. I found one. If she's not it I've grown enough to move and on and be happy. Life is too short dude.

[fred6]

Think of all the pain. I equate yearning her like I yearn for another vasectomy.

Pain, yearning, despair, it's all there. Yes, this week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in wal mart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

On an off note. All she really had to do is be faithful and throw me a bone every once in a while and I probably would have stayed with her until I died. But noo, those 2 requests were too much trouble for her to process. See! That's why I can't have nice things! What a life... .

Fred for me the reality was how long do I carry a torch for something that would cheat, lie and abuse me. No ! I would rather run to WalMart and hit myself in the head. It will heal in a few weeks. Go get a healthy woman and be happy. Life is too short. I found one. If she's not it I've grown enough to move and on and be happy. Life is too short dude.

I know what you're saying. I'm still processing. Thanks man!

[Skip]

Yes, this week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in wal mart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

Same deal, fred6.  Cognitive dissonance.  You're not going to make sense of any of this until you start bringing the circles together.

Talk of self inflicted Walmart wall injuries and home-brew vasectomies is about widening the gap between the bubbles - black and white thinking.

If you harmonize the emotional and logical mind this will start to be more clear - maybe more painful - but real.

[Skip]

for me the reality was how long do I carry a torch for something that would cheat

Too broken to fix, peiper?  It's good that you know your line.

There can be conflict in a relationship but at some point its over the line.  Maybe the line is the cheating.  Maybe it is cheating without serious remorse and promises to make it better.  Maybe the line is the second incident.

We need to know our values and their boundaries and live by them - walk the talk.

Did we make choices that were inconsistent with our core values?  If so, which was wrong, the value or the choice?  Which one do we need to change?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

[fred6]

Same deal, fred6.  Cognitive dissonance.  You're not going to make sense of any of this until you start bringing the circles together.

Talk of self inflicted Walmart wall injuries and home-brew vasectomies is about widening the gap between the bubbles - black and white thinking.

With the way my emotions change lately, I was just using a little humor to try and lighten my mood. With all of these feelings that are swirling within me, sometimes I want to make a joke and laugh. Is that unhealthy?

If you harmonize the emotional and logical mind this will start to be more clear - maybe more painful - but real.

So how do you do that Skip? Do you have any examples?

[Skip]

With all of these feelings that are swirling within me, sometimes I want to make a joke and laugh. Is that unhealthy?

I was making a joke too. But with a point - look at your post history - on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being highly black and white) how would you score your own posting.

If you harmonize the emotional and logical mind this will start to be more clear - maybe more painful - but real.

So how do you do that Skip? Do you have any examples?

I might start by following the link and reading the workshop    

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

It's a process. It's also the foundation concept behind 



It takes some time and working at really understanding what happened, and shedding the ego and fear that block our  self-awareness.

[fred6]

for me the reality was how long do I carry a torch for something that would cheat

Too broken to fix, peiper?  It's good that you know your line.

There can be conflict in a relationship but at some point its over the line.  Maybe the line is the cheating.  Maybe it is cheating without serious remorse and promises to make it better.  Maybe the line is the second incident.

We need to know our values and their boundaries and live by them - walk the talk.

Did we make choices that were inconsistent with our core values?  If so, which was wrong, the value or the choice?  Which one do we need to change?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

I too feel that it's too broken to fix. I mean when someone cheats on you, then treats you like yesterdays garbage, then tells you that you've done nothing wrong, then acts like you don't exist, all while carrying on with new supply. I feel that there is nothing left to fix. I'll never hear from this person again unless I initiate contact. That's OK, and it has to be OK, because I can't make her choices for her. But it isn't fun and really hurts to know that you don't mean anything to someone that said that you did mean something to them for 38 months straight. Do you see where I'm coming from?

[fred6]

I was making a joke too. But with a point - look at your post history - on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being highly black and white) how would you score your own posting.

Hell Skip, my posting is probably a 7-8 as far as black and white. What do you score it? But isn't that what this thread is about? Yearning. Between the flip flopping of the yearning and anger is black and white. I don't choose these feelings, they just pop up and I just try to go with the flow.

I might start by following the link and reading the workshop    

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

It's a process. It's also the foundation concept behind

I will begin the workshops soon. I've been focused on reading 2010's posts lately. Even though I understand them to an extent, they still don't displace the wide swing of emotions that I feel on a day to day/hour to hour basis... .

[Blimblam]

I was making a joke too. But with a point - look at your post history - on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being highly black and white) how would you score your own posting.

Hell Skip, my posting is probably a 7-8 as far as black and white. What do you score it? But isn't that what this thread is about? Yearning. Between the flip flopping of the yearning and anger is black and white. I don't choose these feelings, they just pop up and I just try to go with the flow.

I might start by following the link and reading the workshop    

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

It's a process. It's also the foundation concept behind

I will begin the workshops soon. I've been focused on reading 2010's posts lately. Even though I understand them to an extent, they still don't displace the wide swing of emotions that I feel on a day to day/hour to hour basis... .

Fred

I can relate to doing the reading and logically is makes sense but it taking time for the heart to catch up.  It's like Pandora's box has been opened in us and their is a lot emotionally to process.  I found learning about the disorder and doing the lessons and workshops to sort of put a logical map in my mind for my heart to follow as the emotions were processed.  A painfull process, it's hard because the further I went along in it the less I could scape goat my own pain and just have had to feel it and process it.  Then slowly the logical aspects started to make sense for me. 

[Skip]

But it isn't fun and really hurts to know that you don't mean anything to someone that said that you did mean something to them for 38 months straight. Do you see where I'm coming from?

Yes.  Betrayal trauma and abandonment. She treated you horribly in the end. I know how gut wrenching this is. I don't want to push too hard because you been through the mill in the last 60 days. I know the hurt all too well.

Let me just crack open this door a little bit - something to process in time.  She didn't flip a switch in month 38, Fred.  A harder question to answer is how true is this:

But the way she tells it, her friend with benefits has nothing to do with our breakup.

The last two months is not the whole story.

Take it slowly.  

[fred6]

Yes.  Betrayal trauma and abandonment. She treated you horribly in the end. I know how gut wrenching this is. I don't want to push too hard because you been through the mill in the last 60 days. I know the hurt all too well.

Let me just crack open this door a little bit - something to process in time.  She didn't flip a switch in month 38, Fred.

Skip, your post scares me for some reason. It's like you know more than I do about my situation, . Regardless, don't worry about pushing too hard, kick that door open. I don't think that it can get any harder than it's already been, especially the 2 months that I was stuck still living there. But I could be wrong I guess.

Anyhow, I know that she didn't "flip the switch" in month 38. It probably happened back in April when she abruptly quit her job, quit her Zoloft, and the downward spiral continued from there. It could have happened much earlier, depending on the exact definition of "flipping the switch". I'm not sure what you're getting at though?

A harder question to answer is how true is this:

But the way she tells it, her friend with benefits has nothing to do with our breakup.

The last two months is not the whole story.

Take it slowly.  

Well that's kind of a loaded question. She's the reason for the breakup. However she rationalized it to herself in her mind is the ultimate reason. But on the other hand, if she didn't have this "certain" guy as new supply then I don't think that she would have split from me at that point. He was just the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. I don't really think it matters, it was going to happen eventually anyhow. If not with this guy, it would have been with some other guy whenever she could secure him. What do you think?

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry your hurting so bad Fred!   Keep doing the work to heal. It gets better.

[clydegriffith]

This week I'm angry. Next week I'll probably be as emotional as an 11 year old girl going through puberty. I think the week after that I'm due to run around naked in Walmart hitting myself in the face with a brick. I feel nuts.

On an off note. All she really had to do is be faithful and throw me a bone every once in a while and I probably would have stayed with her until I died. But noo, those 2 requests were too much trouble for her to process. See! That's why I can't have nice things!

What a life... .

The same holds for me but looking back on it i'm glad things happened the way they did. I would rather be happy all the time without her and my daugther than go through the emotional rollercoaster that life my had become. The fact that she's a ___ aside, she tormented me in so many other ways: threatening to never let me see my daughter, throwing beer bottles at me, kicking and cracking my windshiled while we were on the highway. It's kind of ridiculous that i would look past all that, and even an affair i found out about. What finally made me let go was finding out that she was sleeping with just about anyone that looked at her all the while pretending to want to work things out with me. Like she would litterally have one of her several guys over shortly after i left the house. That is unforgivable.

[fred6]

I'm sorry your hurting so bad Fred!   Keep doing the work to heal. It gets better.

I keep hearing people say this. Aside from NC and giving it time. What "work" are we talking about? I've been examining the part that I played in our dysfuntional relationship and some of my FOO issues. I'm a pretty logical and analytical person. But when it comes to "doing the work", I'm kind of lost... .

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey Fred,

I think a lot of us here are logical and analytical people, which makes being in these types of relationships so f**ked up... .can't make sense of the illogical and irrational, but we keep trying. I think what people mean when they say keep doing the work is as follows:

- Don't suppress or fight your feelings. Let them come out, understand them and take however long it takes to heal.

- Like you said, understand your own issues... .many of us here (whether we knew it or not) suffered from low self esteem and had our own issues which were being fed by the relationship. Identify these and work on improving them... .otherwise we will most likely end up with another abuser.

- Understand what about this person attracted you, what you loved about them and separate those things out... .I find that when I do that it helps me focus on these characteristics as things I can find in another partner, i.e. they are not bound to the abusive ex.

- Revisit your core values! Mine got lost & stamped all over... .I lost track of myself. Revisit them and regain who you really are... .and make an effort to not allow others to push you away from them.

- One thing I've really learnt lately is how badly I craved/needed acknowledgement in this relationship... .I always worried what she thought about me and I tried over and over again to do more for her. I'm now slowly adjusting my thought pattern to not give a s**t what that woman thinks about me. I define my life, not her.

A lesson to be learnt is to never allow someone else's welfare to be priority to you, while allowing your welfare to be optional to them. Unconditional love is a two way street.

Good luck bud.

[Pingo]

I'm sorry your hurting so bad Fred!   Keep doing the work to heal. It gets better.

I keep hearing people say this. Aside from NC and giving it time. What "work" are we talking about? I've been examining the part that I played in our dysfuntional relationship and some of my FOO issues. I'm a pretty logical and analytical person. But when it comes to "doing the work", I'm kind of lost... .

What GoodThingsToCome says is excellent^^, I too am a logical and analytical person and sometimes get stuck in my head instead of allowing the feelings, pain and trauma to really be 'felt'... ."If I can just figure this out then everything will be okay"... .For me 'doing the work' means not trying to put a Band-Aid on the wound and allowing it to be exposed, deep, painful, and felt.  I've spent my life using different coping mechanisms to numb myself from a world of hurt.  Alcohol, food, men, sex, exercise, self-help books even!  They can all become dysfunctional when they are used to avoid the hurt.  I am finding journaling really helps me in 'feeling' the pain and keeps me from over-intellectualising things.  I'm doing a lot of 'inner child' work and this is helping me get deep into the wounds I've been trying to ignore and cover up.  Mostly I just stay conscious of the urge to run away from my pain and try to look at it with some objection.  And using these boards to learn about ourselves... .this is 'doing the work' too!

[Aussie JJ]

Good questions posed, some very interesting perspectives. 

I came to the conclusion with my ex and our relationship that it was real love for her.  It comes down to what we are all looking for out of a relationship at the end of the day. 

For me, trying to figure out how I had been un-supportive in my behaviours, my actions etc was what helped me the most.  repetition compulsion or something like that?  Where unhealthy patterns are repeated over and over in a relationship, job whatever it is.  If its a unhealthy behaviour and you repeat it and don't learn from it you end up at this point.  End of the pattern and either processing what has happened or moving on and choosing to pretend nothing was your fault and it was all the pwBPD's fault.  Well, pwBPD choose not to process those decisions, were here to process and learn. 

The pattern she is repeating is regulating her emotions  through relationships.  She bases her happiness on her partners happiness.  It's, wierd?  It is something that I haven't experienced in any other relationship to the extent I did in this relationship.  Really being dependant on another person for your happiness as your unable to be happy with yourself.  From that perspective she probably loved you more than anyone you will ever come across again. 

It also has the effect where through those behaviours that we all perceive as controlling and manipulative (thats what they are to us, our perspective) from the pwBPD's perspective they are behaviours based on fears that are real and based on traumatic events throughout their life.  Those fears that we will leave are very real for a pwBPD, feelings = facts. 

Take a step back  and realise this pain is a everyday occurance for a pwBPD.  Quite horrible, living with that fear constantly. 

[Blimblam]

I really resonate with what has been said in this thread.

Fred a lot of that work for me has been to experience the pain and emotions in the void. To go into that void and feel everything there untill I find compassion in this part of myself for this part of myself.  

It's as if we have this void in us and we fill it with various roles we take on in life to make up our identity.  When I met my ex I was exploring this void and she all of a sudden made it feel filled.  For example I just watched a commercial that repeated twice "this is who we are". The roles and substances always leave us feeling incomplete because we are not these roles and it causes us to want to control the object that fills it. Who ever controls that source of identity gives them power over us.  

[Aussie0zborn]

... .She bases her happiness on her partners happiness.  ... .  Really being dependant on another person for your happiness as your unable to be happy with yourself.  From that perspective she probably loved you more than anyone you will ever come across again. 

This makes a lot of sense in my case. When I failed to reciprocate in such instances, I was the most heartless man in the world. When I failed to reciprocate it was because it felt manipulative and as we all know... .if it feels manipulative, it probably is. (Always go with you "gut instinct".

As for Fred, I know how you feel. It really sucks, doesn't it? You can get through this by finding a starting point. You say that if she threw you a few crumbs you would stayed with her for the rest of your life. Our problem Fred, is that were happy with a few crumbs but we should have strived to get the whole loaf! Thanks to the resources on this site, I have changed my way of thinking, identified my own shortcomings and now I eat the whole loaf or share it around as I see fit. Why settle for crumbs?

When you find the answer to this question you will realise your real worth and its worth working towards. Hang in there - you can do it.