what should I do?

[SCM]

I haven't heard from my BPD daughter since December 2013. She doesn't reply to my emails nor my telephone calls. I have tried to contact her husband and he's in the same NC mode. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do except pray, of course.

I'll appreciate any suggestions that will unlock this situation.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello SCM,

What have you tried saying in the e-mails and phone messages? I am not sure if there are any magic words that can unlock this situation. Sometimes it's only time that can change things... .

1. How often have you tried contacting her?

2. Have you asked her any questions?

[lever.]

Hello SCM

These no-contact situations are so painful, particularly with grandchildren involved.

I remember that you have made some efforts to re-establish contact.

Can you remind us what you have already tried and what response you had?

Have you read the chapter In Valerie Porr's book where she talks about CHIRPing to acheive relationship repair ( I can't remember what CHIRP stands for now but I sat with it next to me whilst I wrote to my DD). I can dig out the book but it would be helpful to know where you are up to and what you have already tried

[SCM]

Pessi-o and Lever thank you for your interest in my case.

The last time I received an email from my BPDD was 5 months ago in which she acknowledges she has received my emails and "have replied "fine thanks" but I don't want to continue the pretense that everything is fine between you and me". She then proceeds to inform me that "we've always had a rocky relationship" followed by accusations of a supposed conversation I had with her oldest child -my gd- that was both inappropriate and hurtful to her, in her own words.

Unfortunately she's imagining things that did not happen and thus decided to punish me by going NC and letting me know that she wants a break from me.

I replied lovingly, reassuring her of my love and that it was not my intention to hurt her in any way and asked for forgiveness if I used words that sounded that way.

I did not hear anymore from her until recently that she posted an interview online in which she said that she had a difficult childhood for her mom has a personality disorder called borderline and how difficult it was to deal with such a situation. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard her say that. Even the interviewer said: wow, you've been through a lot!

In the meantime, her oldest daughter graduated from high school and I left both my dd and gd a message of congrats and sent $ as a graduation present about a week ago which hasn't  been cashed.

All of this tells me that my BPDD does not want to have anything to do with me, at least for the time being. By the way she has also told me that she needs time and space and if I want to have a relationship with her something needs to change.

She has told my son -her brother- similar things and by now he does not want to have anything to do with her. He hasn't been in touch with her for three years now.

I haven't seen her children for 19 months now but I'm still allowed to see her fb page, at least I can see photos of the children.

I just wonder how much more will I have to endure.

[co.jo]

My story is so similar, except she refused to have a relationship with me unless I went for weekly therapy.She claims I allowed her father to abuse her. I am definitely off her fb page, but have one friend left who lets me know if anything important is posted.

It has been 10 months, and I will not see her graduate from university which breaks my heart.

The irony is, all those times we were tempted to throw in the towel but didn't, and then THEY break up with US?

So tragic.

[pessim-optimist]

Seeing that video must have really broken your heart... .

Did your daughter let you know about it intentionally? Or was it through bf and she knows you had access or did you find out about it by coincidence and she doesn't know?

[SCM]

I know what you mean co.jo. It is so soo painful to be in this situation in which they take you out of their lives and you don't even know what you're guilty of. Granted, we all commit mistakes but to the point of cutting all communication? and further more she has convinced her husband that I am no good for he doesn't reply to my emails either. And he's a sweet guy. I feel sorry for him.

Pessi-o, the video was on fb and I have access to her page, for now. That's how I learn what she's up to and I also see pics of my grandchildren (3) whom I haven't seen in person for 19 months now.

There are 3 birthdays coming up before the end of May: my BPDD, her husband and her middle child who will turn 5. I'm debating if to send or not to send bday wishes. I feel it's a damn if you do and damn if you don't situation.

I'm praying that our mighty God will intervene and alleviate the suffering of the victims and victimizers of this horrible disease.

[pessim-optimist]

the video was on fb and I have access to her page, for now. That's how I learn what she's up to and I also see pics of my grandchildren (3) whom I haven't seen in person for 19 months now.

I was thinking that if she knows that you will find it and possibly see it, it may be her way of 'communicating' with you, basically projecting her illness onto you (which is one of the fairly common reactions that pwBPD have if they discover we think they suffer from BPD)... .

In which case you do not need to communicate back about that in any way, but it may be a consolation that she did not cut you off completely, that she is just dealing with her stuff in a dysfunctional way... .

There are 3 birthdays coming up before the end of May: my BPDD, her husband and her middle child who will turn 5. I'm debating if to send or not to send bday wishes. I feel it's a damn if you do and damn if you don't situation.

It's a personal decision. At the same time - what do you have to lose? Also, therapists usually recommend to acknowledge b-days, holidays and important life events. We did send b-day wishes as a way to let them all know we think about them and love them, and it also was another opportunity to keep the door open.

PwBPD have a problem with "object constancy" which means that if they are not with you or aren't in touch with you, they have a hard time remembering you and what kind of person you are, and the quality of your past or present relationship. That way there is lots of space for distortions and strange ideas that change with their moods.

Giving them a positive bump every once in a while often seems to do the trick.

We had an interesting thing happen to us last week (I will post about it in another thread): basically NC with dd32 since November (her choice), we sent holiday wishes, b-day wishes etc... . 2 weeks after grandson's birthday in February, there was a hostile e-mail violating previously set boundaries. We sent calm, validating yet firm reply upholding the boundary, while keeping the door open. There was silence till last week when we received another e-mail, better tone, but mostly violating the same boundaries, and saying that my husband needs to do a whole lot of things before she would even consider trying to have a relationship. We were still thinking about a reply, when we received two phone-calls from her. My husband picked up the second time, and they had a good conversation. No boundary violations, no word of previous demands. They are coming for a visit THIS weekend... .

When you look at it from a non-BP viewpoint, it does not make any logical sense. There are clear patterns of BPD behavior, but there are many variables involved and so lots of events are random. It just as well may have turned out differently: she may not have called, we may have sent another e-mail, and there may have been silence for another several months before another interaction would take place... .

We can only do our part in making the ground fertile for a relationship or possible healing of it. Whether they respond and when is not in our control... .  

[Loujaye]

SCM, our situations are so similar. My 20 yo BPDD left home without warning the day after Christmas 2013, texted sporadically for about a month and then cut me out of her life completely, saying I was the one making her sick and I ruined our relationship. Same for my husband who loved her like his own. The pain has been unbearable and it's only within the past month that I've been able to start to live some semblance of a life. I've read a lot of books, spoke with my therapist and found a support group specifically for BPD families 100 miles away that I went to. I know very little about her life, blocked on Facebook, changed her phone number and the people that were supposedly go between a have told me to let go and leave her alone. She's reestablished "relationships" with family members who deserted me when I had to stop working due to fibromyalgia and chronic migraines. They thought I was weak and a downer. They never understood nor liked my BPDD nor my older daughter. She felt the same towards them yet that's who she's chosen as her new found family. My mother is narcissistic and bullied me and then my children for most of my life. Why do they gravitate towards the least likely people? These months have been brutal, physically and emotionally debilitating. But I knew I had to start living again for the sake of my year old marriage and my other daughter. I started a business. Boarding dogs in my home and it's been very therapeutic. The busier I am, the less time I have to dwell. I am still reading a lot so that, if the time comes and she pops back in, I'll be somewhat prepared. It's just so hard knowing the child I loved and cared for thru everything for 20 years is gone forever and the person who has replaced her is someone I don't know. I guess all we can do is hope for the best, whatever that is. I wish you luck on your journey and please keep in touch as our paths seem somewhat similar, time wise. This forum is a lifesaver. I've felt so alone and not understood. Hugs!

[Loujaye]

Pessimoptomist, it's such a fine line we walk. We are told not to contact but if we do, we are guilty of intrusion and if we don't were guilty of abandonment. I sent a Happy Easter message on FB and was slammed and told not to contact her because it just upsets her (BPDD). So what do we do?

[jaynebrain]

SCM - I am so sorry for your hurt.  It sounds like there is so much pain on both sides.  I can imagine as a mom, you must be in a very tough spot.  I am not allowed access to my DD facebook page, although my whole family including my mother, sister, sisters in law, cousin etc. all see it.  she will not be my friend on any electronic media at all.  That is painful at times but I do not want to have a relationship that is based on facebook.  It must be nice for you to see photos of your grandchildren, I am glad for that for you.  As a child growing up, we never had contact with one set of grandparents. Who knows what my grandfather's  issue was but my parents, for the safety and protection of our family of four decided to go NC.  Until I was 16 years old every birthday and Christmas I and my sister received a card in the mail with a small amount of money.  I know it was from my grandmother and I always wrote to thank her.  When I was 16 my grandfather passed away and things were very different.  We were able to have a relationship with her until she died some years later.  We made up our own minds about her and had our own relationship based upon our experiences with her.  I would encourage you to keep in touch with your grandchildren. I pray that one day they will have their own independent relationship with you.  Sadly, with our BPD children, we may not have a relationship with them unless they are willing.  If they are in DBT there is a component that deals with relationships and I give that a great deal of credit.  I hope that you find the peace you are needing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

It's such a fine line we walk. We are told not to contact but if we do, we are guilty of intrusion and if we don't were guilty of abandonment. I sent a Happy Easter message on FB and was slammed and told not to contact her because it just upsets her (BPDD). So what do we do?

I know, it's tough, especially if we process that request with our own non-disordered logic... .

We try to find the discrete balance between too little and too much. We validate their feelings of feeling intruded upon, and tell them that we respect their decision of not wanting to talk to us if that's what they feel comfortable with, and that we love them and are there for them if they change their mind, and keep reaching out from time to time... .