Broke NC and need advice

[anna58]

I wasn't thinking and inadvertently broke NC.  I decided months ago not to respond to any raging, blaming emails. So, that was easy to stay NC then. He sent me an email the other day asking about an apt in my old neighborhood. I wasn't thinking! I sent an email back saying there were 2 available.  Now there have been about 3 emails back and forth. I need to stop. I don't want him moving back to my town. Or, if he does, I can't be involved in it.

So, I'm not sure whether to just stop responding. That  feels cruel after I started responding again and I never told him to stay away from me. My boundaries have always been to not respond to anything angry/hateful and not to let him stay at my apt or live in my apt building.  Is there a good way to handle this now?

I am pretty sure he will try to weasel more contact by wanting me to get more involved in helping him to find a place to live. Which I won't do.

So, just stop responding right now? Or, tell him I can't help him with finding an apt. Then go NC.

Thank you, friends.

[jambley]

Hi, I am not good with advice but I would say "sorry I can't help you" and just go NC, it might be polite and he should get the message.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Anna, When he contacts you again, why not let him know that things are over between the two of you and that you prefer not to get involved in his apartment search.  Then go NC.  LJ

[anna58]

Very good advice. Thank you both. It is just what I needed. 

[lovenature]

Total NC and keep learning Anna, the way to get better.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi anna,

Something in your post has me intrigued.  You don't have to answer if you don't wish to, but I'd urge you to be honest to yourself on this.

He sent me an email the other day asking about an apt in my old neighborhood. I wasn't thinking! I sent an email back saying there were 2 available.

If you weren't thinking, what then were you feeling? 

Love and light x

[anna58]

Good question... .if I wasn't thinking then what was I feeling?

I am in a bind now. I responded very briefly to an email informing me he plans to come to town.

I feel stuck. I want to say that I can't see him if he comes here. But this is my issue. I have trouble doing that. I feel like i can't reject another person. Must come from early childhood stuff. But I am not clear enough about this.I don't want to get into an emotional mess with him and trying to keepy boundaries. A middle ground isn't a good idea.

How do you tell a person you can't see them if they move to town and only know you and done other person? I am afraid it is unfair of me to ride this middle ground. Unfair to him and me. Because I am too afraid to cut it off completely then I hurt both myself and him.

[jhkbuzz]

Good question... .if I wasn't thinking then what was I feeling?

I am in a bind now. I responded very briefly to an email informing me he plans to come to town.

I feel stuck. I want to say that I can't see him if he comes here. But this is my issue. I have trouble doing that. I feel like i can't reject another person. Must come from early childhood stuff. But I am not clear enough about this.I don't want to get into an emotional mess with him and trying to keep boundaries. A middle ground isn't a good idea.

How do you tell a person you can't see them if they move to town and only know you and done other person? I am afraid it is unfair of me to ride this middle ground. Unfair to him and me. Because I am too afraid to cut it off completely then I hurt both myself and him.

Here's something to think about: your own emotional well-being is as equally as important as his. Here's something else to think about: as adults, we are each responsible for our own emotional well-being. He is not responsible for yours and you are not responsible for his.

This comes through loud and clear in your posts: you know that re-establishing regular contact with him is not good for your emotional well-being. You KNOW this, even though your heart interferes from time to time. Here's another thing that comes through: you feel obligated because you responded to his initial inquiry. This is where your thinking is faulty: you didn't agree to MARRY this person; you simply responded to an email. You are under no further obligation.

You said that you feel you can't reject another person. Even if they "rage and blame," it appears. When you are unable to draw a boundary line with abusive people, you become complicit to your own abuse. You reject YOURSELF and the sanity, peace, safety, etc, that YOU need in some sort of sad, misinformed self-sacrifice that benefits absolutely no one - not him, and definitely not you.

Put yourself first in this situation. Craft an email that will tell him clearly and simply that you wish him the best but no longer wish to remain in contact. Post it to the boards and get feedback. And then send it.

Once you've done that, perhaps start digging into this:

I am too afraid to cut it off completely then I hurt both myself and him.

You still feel obligated and attached to an abusive person - and it would be beneficial to get to the bottom of that.

[anna58]

Jhkbuzz: You hit the nail on the head. I am trying to work through exactly where my thinking is faulty and where I am stuck. Your post is helping.

I have made progress during the two months he has been 3000 miles away. It was hard earned. I remember clearly the abuse and loss of my identity. I will not give that up. But, the sick thing is that I can see myself slipping into too much contact and being unclear in my messages. By unclear, I mean saying something half-heartedly useful just to avoid confronting myself and the difficult message I need to deliver.

He is planning to move back here for a few months. He wants his car ownership paperwork and special can opener. The only things of his I have. I said I'd leave them at our mutual friend's house. Then he implied he could get them from me.  I feel him creeping closer and I don't like it.

Each of these emails is a step closer to seeing him. It's not healthy for me.

I am confused about what I want to say, before I go NC. Though I don't have to say anything or answer any more emails. I could just leave it as is.  However,  I have a nagging feeling that I should let him know if I don't want to see him. Maybe he wouldn't come here then.  But it's not my job.  He isn't consulting me on his decision to come here.

It's strange because he came to this small town because I was here. And was here 5 years mainly because of me. Now, he is returning but for what reason? He doesn't like this town and doesn't plan to stay. It's the only place he knows and has a friend helping him finding housing (our mutual friend).  I guess that is all fine; it's his choice. Has nothing to do with me.

Thanks for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

However,  I have a nagging feeling that I should let him know if I don't want to see him.

Hey Anna, Be careful of those "shoulds"!  You are in charge of your life, not him.  Suggest you do what is right for YOU, without worrying about him.  It's obvious that you are getting stressed out at the thought of his return to your town.  You are feeling anxious, I submit, for a reason.  Your body is trying to tell you something.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[bunny4523]

I am confused about what I want to say, before I go NC. Though I don't have to say anything or answer any more emails. I could just leave it as is.  However,  I have a nagging feeling that I should let him know if I don't want to see him. Maybe he wouldn't come here then.  But it's not my job.  He isn't consulting me on his decision to come here.

Hi Anna,

You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.  Just put some distance between you if it's too much right now.  Don't respond as quickly.  Let him know your not just waiting by the phone for his contact.  By giving him attention you might be feeding the beast, giving him something to cling onto .  And I think he is consulting you on coming there... .he is feeling you out to see your response. 

From what you have posted, you know it is best and safest for you to keep distance from him.  So if you aren't ready to just say "go away and I mean forever" that is ok.  Ween him off of you slowly if your more comfortable with that.  Be busy and if he isn't getting the attention he wants from you then he may start to looking elsewhere on his own.  When you hear yourself thinking about what he is feeling or what he is thinking... .that is the time to be the good friend that you are to everyone else to YOURSELF.  Think about what is best for you and take care of you FIRST.  That type of thinking will help you to break the cycle.

hugs,
Bunny

[jhkbuzz]

I have made progress during the two months he has been 3000 miles away. It was hard earned. I remember clearly the abuse and loss of my identity. I will not give that up. But, the sick thing is that I can see myself slipping into too much contact and being unclear in my messages. By unclear, I mean saying something half-heartedly useful just to avoid confronting myself and the difficult message I need to deliver.

The good thing is that you recognize that you are in an emotional "danger zone" by resuming contact with him. You also recognize your temptation to "say something half-hearted" in order to avoid any type of discomfort.

Those are two big "pluses"!  

The problem is that you are loathe to do what you already know you need to do to keep yourself safe.

He is planning to move back here for a few months. He wants his car ownership paperwork and special can opener. The only things of his I have. I said I'd leave them at our mutual friend's house. Then he implied he could get them from me.  I feel him creeping closer and I don't like it.

GOOD FOR YOU! I wouldn't like it either. He is pushing your boundaries, potentially trying to manipulate you, and it's good that you see it. If I were you I would drop those items off at your mutual friend's house SOON so this becomes a non-issue.

You drew a boundary line (because you very clearly implied that you aren't interested in meeting up with him) and he is trying to get you to withdraw that boundary. Stand your ground.

I am confused about what I want to say, before I go NC. Though I don't have to say anything or answer any more emails. I could just leave it as is.  However,  I have a nagging feeling that I should let him know if I don't want to see him. Maybe he wouldn't come here then.  But it's not my job.  He isn't consulting me on his decision to come here.

You're confused because your heart is interfering, I understand.  

You're also confused about what to say... .how about what you have actually communicated in your post?

"After thinking about it further, I will not be able to help you with your apartment search. I have left the items I had of yours with our mutual friend.   I wish you the best but no longer wish to remain in contact."

Then resume NC.

Here's the thing you DON'T want to do: enter into long conversations (either of your own volition or in response to his questions) about why you made this decision - don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  As an adult, you are entitled to make decisions that are in your own best interest - PERIOD. You are no longer in a r/s with him; you don't owe him any explanations.

It's strange because he came to this small town because I was here. And was here 5 years mainly because of me. Now, he is returning but for what reason? He doesn't like this town and doesn't plan to stay.

GOOD! Your spiderman spidey-sense is tingling!   You are questioning why in the world he's coming back - and I would if I were you too. Seems odd; seems like he is attempting to wiggle his way back into your life (email contact; help with apartment hunting; meet up so he can get his stuff).

I think your gut is leading you in exactly the right direction. You know he's up to something; you know it wouldn't be healthy for you to resume contact. The only thing that remains to be seen is if you do the "hard thing" of delivering the message that draws a boundary that keeps you safe and sane.

Each of these emails is a step closer to seeing him. It's not healthy for me.

Indeed. I'm rooting for you!