What are your boundaries?

[Dragon72]

As I understand it a boundary is not about enforcing rules, but more about deciding about how you as a non will react to a given situation.

I'd like to hear about your boundaries. We may help each other with some ideas
 I know I could use some!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

A couple of helpful boundaries of mine:

1) I will not be emotionally abused; and

2) I will not be interrogated (which really could be the same thing as #1 as interrogations tend to be abusive).

Implementing these boundaries has improved my relationship with my uBPDw and my quality of life.  Another one is that I won't be cheated on, but that's one I have not had to enforce.

[VitaminC]

I guess you've seen the article on Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries ?

I find this particularly useful:

"Asserting Boundaries

Boundaries are how we communicate our values to others. A boundary defines the scope of our independent core values. It is the fault lines on a tennis court - everything inside the fault line is playable.  With boundaries, everything inside the boundary is consistant with our value.

For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others", would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something highly offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?  One person may answer "yes" while another says "no".  Our boundaries are often not as obvious to others as we all see things differently. As such, educating and informing others is an important pillar of this life skill.

A significant part of this is the nonverbal communication that we lead by example and practice what we preach.

It will be hard to convince others to respect boundaries that we don't respect ourselves."

So, for me, it's more to do with thinking about what I value, in more or less descending order:

1) honesty
2) kindness
3) forthrightness
4) a curious and open attitude
5) careful listening

I think I live these things daily. And when people in my life behave in ways that are counter to these principles, I i) will not take it personally, b) will call them on their behaviour and 3) distance myself from them.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

[beggarsblanket]

I need to know that my partner can talk about our relationship assertively and help me resolve conflicts swiftly and fairly. If we have a problem that cannot be solved swiftly, I need to know that she will keep talking with me and keep coming at the problem from different angles until it is solved. This is my fundamental boundary in relationships, and I learned it from my BPD ex, who refused to talk when it mattered most.

[ArleighBurke]

I need to know that my partner can talk about our relationship assertively and help me resolve conflicts swiftly and fairly. If we have a problem that cannot be solved swiftly, I need to know that she will keep talking with me and keep coming at the problem from different angles until it is solved. This is my fundamental boundary in relationships, and I learned it from my BPD ex, who refused to talk when it mattered most.

This isn't really a boundary, because it's all about HER. A boundary is something to PROTECT you. I think this is more of a value.

However, if you wanted to try to word this a a boundary, you should reframe this to be about YOU.
eg I will not remain in a relationship with poor communication.

[beggarsblanket]

This isn't really a boundary, because it's all about HER. A boundary is something to PROTECT you. I think this is more of a value.

However, if you wanted to try to word this a a boundary, you should reframe this to be about YOU.
eg I will not remain in a relationship with poor communication.

Thank you for the insight. I confess I have not read on boundaries for a long time. I will check out the supplement here.

[once removed]

additionally, i recommend this as it contains practical examples and distinctions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

there was behavior in my relationship i considered unacceptable. my response was often to cut off communication (taking a time out can be a good step/boundary, but i got it mixed up with control and frequently invalidated any problem she had that i disagreed with) or to threaten to breakup, always an empty threat.

those are not good examples of boundaries or conducive to a healthy relationship.

[VitaminC]

additionally, i recommend this as it contains practical examples and distinctions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

This is very good and trying to think about my own, now finished, relationship in terms of Define the Value / What the Boundary of that Value is / The Action taken to protect the Boudary - is actually quite difficult.

there was behavior in my relationship i considered unacceptable. my response was often to cut off communication (taking a time out can be a good step/boundary, but i got it mixed up with control and frequently invalidated any problem she had that i disagreed with) or to threaten to breakup, always an empty threat.

I cut off communication too, not in a healthy boundary-protecting way but in a self-protecting and punitive way. I often wanted to show him the error of his ways (and there were many and more as the relationship progressed) by showing him what would happen if he didn't 'smarten up' - I would disappear.   An extreme, childish, hurtful, and ultimately ineffective way of dealing with things.

I didn't know better, but I do now.  So while I still might fail to think through rationally some of the more colourful memories of where I really needed to be in touch with my values and boundaries, I CAN apply this quite easily to examples from earlier in the relationship - before I had contributed so much to help the toxic dynamic.

[beggarsblanket]

additionally, i recommend this as it contains practical examples and distinctions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

there was behavior in my relationship i considered unacceptable. my response was often to cut off communication (taking a time out can be a good step/boundary, but i got it mixed up with control and frequently invalidated any problem she had that i disagreed with) or to threaten to breakup, always an empty threat.

those are not good examples of boundaries or conducive to a healthy relationship.

Thank you. I just came looking for more info and noticed that this was a supplement to ArleighBurke's comment.

[SettingBorders]

I found that in a book several years ago, and it formed my way of thinking about boundaries:

As a human beeing we have the right to ... .
... .change our mind.
... .end a conversation.
... .be indecisive.
... .say no without feeling guilty.
... .decide over our own body.
... .not to be interested in something.
... .make mistakes.
... .ask others for a favour.
... .not to justify ourselves.
... .life like we want as long as we allow other to do the same.
... .defend these rights.

I think it is important to be very precise when we think about boundaries. Not to be emotionally abused seems too common and general to me.

[Dragon72]

Yes, I guess refusing to JADE is a boundary.  I have JADE'd far too often and it has only served to frustrate and anger me when I see that my logical explanations fall on deaf ears and then she uses "Yeah but" arguing strategies that leave me tong-tied.

But here's the thing. My uBPDw and I cannot discuss money without her very quickly making false accusations about me. She's convinced that I'm siphoning off money and giving it to my family.  I'm not.  However, if I validate her fears and simply deny her accusations calmy, she's still left convinced that I'm stealing money from the family.  Which she thought anyway before I refused to JADE.