Final straw -- I'm done

[prof]

Here's a link to my thread on the Conflicted board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318439.0

TL:)R - uBPDw left last week after an argument to go stay with a friend.  I've been keeping very minimal contact.


So early this evening, uBPDw knocked on my door.  I had no idea she was coming.  Her friends had driven her, in her car (flat tire fixed) home.  She'd lost her house key, so I let her in.

She said hi to S5 for a few minutes and then came into the bedroom to talk to me.  She explained that she was home because she was sick, and that she would be staying at most a couple days.

She asked me why I had been so horrible to her by not responding to very many of her texts or picking up the phone.  She started swearing, and I asked her to stop.  She continued swearing, so I left the bedroom and went to the kitchen.

She followed me, continuing to swear, so I went back to the bedroom.  She followed me again and then shut the door behind her, blocking my exit.  She then began pushing me.   I grabbed my phone and began dialing 911, but she wrestled it away from me.

I realized that I had lost my glasses, so I went to the den to grab my spare pair.  She followed me again, and again blocked my exit and continued raging at me.  I repeatedly asked her to stop screaming, to give me back my phone, and to let me out of the room.  She refused.

A couple times, I reached for the window behind me to see if I could push the screen out and jump out.  The screen was stuck.  The second time, as uBPDw was moving to close the glass part of the window, I saw an opening and left the room.

I quickly made it out of the house and to my car.  I drove away -- in the rain with no jacket or shoes.


uBPDw still had my phone, and I had no idea what to do.  I decided to try and drive to the sheriff's office to file a report.  Problem is -- I had no idea where the sheriff's office was!  Normally I would Google Maps it, but no phone... .

I did know where police station for the nearest town is, so I went there to ask where the sheriff's office is (I live outside city limits).  They just called a deputy over to interview me there in the police station.

It turns out that my 911 call did go through, and the dispatcher heard a lot of the argument.  I overheard the deputy talk to someone about how it sounded like uBPDw was the aggressor.  So a couple deputies had already been at our house.  (I actually had passed one of their cruisers as I was driving out of my neighborhood.)

I gave a written statement and told my story to 3 different deputies.  They found a couple marks on me I honestly don't even remember getting, but they took pictures of them.  Two of the deputies suggested I file for a TPO.  The third one, who was in charge, seemed to be less on my side.  He even suggested that it was possible that I could be arrested, as uBPDw has multiple marks on her arms.  (She gets lesions from her illness, and picks them regularly due to anxiety.)

One of the deputies accompanied me back to my place, where I got my phone back, grabbed some work clothes for tomorrow, and gave S5 a big hug.  I'm spending the night in my office.


This marriage is over.  Tomorrow, I'm going to pursue that TPO and start interviewing divorce lawyers again.

[formflier]

Push the point that you were dialing 911 and she took the phone.

That is a crime in most states.

   

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You put a ton of effort in this.

Hang in there.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

Prof,
    I too am very sorry that you are going through this.  It's never an easy decision to take steps that are likely to end a relationship.  I am wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.
BeagleGirl

[Jeffree]

Prof,

I am glad you are taking this action on your own behalf.

I have to say that your story gave me flashbacks of the times my STBx would get menacing toward me. I can't believe I let it happen more than once. I would take the same measured stance with her, "Please stop doing this. Please don't key my car. Please get out of my room." But she'd keep on attacking me with whatever whacked out theories about me she had cooked up in her head.

However, after she called the cops on me to no avail "for being a passive-aggressive ass" as she said, I gave it right back to her the next time she got up in my business one night. She scattered from that like a roach from light, and I had only simulated a phone call between myself and the dispatcher.

When she came back to the house, after she figured the coast was clear, she asked if I had really called the cops. I took a screen shot of my call log and showed it to her. That shut her up for a little while.

Anyhoo, it's a rough row to hoe, innit, prof? We all reach out limit. We try to play nice, do our darnedest to make things work, protect the innocent ones, and they poop all over it, and it never gets back to the way it was.

It's an odd thing to say the least.

Hang in there, bud. It's all going to be OK.

J

[prof]

uBPDw sent me some texts this morning saying that she's not able to take care of S5 by herself.  She also accused me of being "abusive and controlling" for what happened last night... .  (Wow, the projection!)

Part of me is jumping and up and down in excitement at what a screenshot of these texts might do for future custody hearings.  But most of me is wondering how the heck to proceed.  I definitely don't want to be alone with her again.

I responded to her in an email. (I think that's the only way I'm going to communicate from now on, so that I have a record.)  I asked if she'd returned to her friend's place, and suggested that she take S5 to school so that I could pick him up afterward.

I've scheduled consultations with two lawyers for the end of the week and am waiting to hear back from a third.  I'll probably start a thread on the family law board soon.

No word yet from the sheriff about last night.

[DaddyBear77]

prof, I have no idea exactly what to do here, but i can share my gut instincts

First, email is great. Writing is great. I had the same reaction to the text message. Did you get a lawyer fully engaged yet?  They would most likely be able to guide you more precisely how to collect the information you will certainly need.

Most importantly, though, I'd call the school immediately, verify that S5 is there, and make sure they understand that the agreement is for you to pick up S5 and that you will be there at xx:xx to do so. Keep him. Wherever you go, make sure he's with you and safe. My instinct is to NOT leave S5 alone with stbxw again until and unless there's a court order.

How's that TPO going? Did you pursue it?

[formflier]

I would encourage you to reach out directly to the sheriff... .also reach out direct to local DV "shelters" or "help agencies".

Make sure they understand you were dialing 911 and she knew that and she took phone.

In the past I've had sailors do jail time over that.  At least in some states they take that very seriously.

FF

[ozmatoz]

This story brings back some hard memories of the night D16 called the cops on her mother and uBPDw was arrested for DV against me.
I had the option of a TPO but I was in the middle of so much dysregulation, confusion, and fear that I ended up jumping right into the rescuer role and eventually got her case dismissed. 

I know looking back and playing the "should've" game is bad to do, but man.  That was my opportunity to go and I wasted it.  I know the feelings are incredibly raw right now.  As hard as it is keep remembering the worst part of that night and you won't waiver.  Stay strong and get through this first step.  Once there is a TPO or TRO in place everything can slow down and you can catch your breath and figure out what to do next.

Do what you can to stay safe and as others have said find a way to keep S5 with you.

good luck,
-Oz

[formflier]

It was also the opportunity for life consequences to happen, yet the pwBPD was "rescued" from those. 

Sort of a separate issue from the future status of the relationship.

FF

[prof]

Most importantly, though, I'd call the school immediately, verify that S5 is there, and make sure they understand that the agreement is for you to pick up S5 and that you will be there at xx:xx to do so. Keep him. Wherever you go, make sure he's with you and safe. My instinct is to NOT leave S5 alone with stbxw again until and unless there's a court order.

She didn't take him to school -- she has him.  Apparently the friend is no longer with her.  (Got a text from the friend asking me to call -- no sure what to do there.  I haven't responded yet)  In an email, uBPDw claimed that she has "people" helping her take care of S5.

How's that TPO going? Did you pursue it?

I have the petition filled out, but it looks like it needs notarized and I'm not going to be able to get the courthouse before it closes.  (I heard back from the third lawyer and am meeting him here very shortly.)

[DaddyBear77]

Again, just going on instinct here but I’d call the friend who asked you to call. Id want all the info I could get regarding S5.

[prof]

I really liked the L I met with this afternoon and decided to go ahead and work with him.  He obviously suggested that I try and get home with S5 and get uBPDw to head back to her friends' place.

I offered to meet her in a public place to exchange S5.  Of course she refused that.  After a while, I decided to head home.  I sent her an email saying that I was coming there to put S5 to bed and hopefully get some sleep.  I asked her not to push me or block me from leaving a room.

When I got back home, the door was barricaded.  Through a window, she told me that she did this because she was insulted by my requests.  I told her to let me know when she removed the barricades, got back in my car, and drove down the street a ways to a church parking lot.

I emailed her from the parking lot, asking if I could come back and come inside the house.  She called me a few times, and only emailed to tell me to pick up my phone.  I didn't.

After a few minutes, I drove back to the house.  uBPDw and her friend met me on the porch.  The friend began with this speech about how we needed to sit down and work everything out.  I told her that, no, I wasn't going to do that right now, and that I was there to put S5 to bed and then try and get some sleep.  I went inside the house to our bedroom where S5 was watching tv.  The friend followed me and took S5 away from the bedroom, demanding that I sit down with uBPDw and talk.

This was ridiculous, so I left again.  This time, I went for a walk.  I called up a buddy of mine who knows a lot about the situation and has been divorced himself.  He recommended that I just get out of there for the night.  I needed some clothes for work tomorrow, so he suggested that I go back, tell uBPDw that I was interested in talking, but just not right now.  How about dinner tomorrow?

So I did that.  I headed back home, calmly gathered a couple days' worth of clothes, and suggested dinner tomorrow.  uBPDw's friend kept wanting to talk to me, but I ignored her.  Why is our marriage any of her business?  Then I got in my car and drove back to my office.

[Aiko]

I'm certainly no expert so take my advice w a grain of salt, just my instincts.  Get all your clothes/belongings, get out stay out don't sleep there, ever, don't use your son as a means to stay there and give her an avenue to continue to abuse you. You've got 911 involved, police, lawyers, I can't imagine any scenario where you being anywhere close to her and her friend (now aka 'witness' to made up behavior) ends well for you. Stay away, deal with the agony, and let the courts figure out your stuff with your son. Short term pain long term gain.
That's what I'd tell you if I was you friend--- dinner? negative.

[hope2727]

First of all you are my hero for being so calm. Well done.

1) yes email all communications and record on your phone any in person time. Take a witness if at all possible.

2) Contact that sheriff. Make yourself politely known and keep your face in front of them. Contact a local Domestic violence shelter and find out what resources they have to offer. They will have lawyers, legal advice, safe places to go and tons of knowledge about the law(s) in your area.

3) Go buy to hard covered black ledgers from your local office supply store. One is to start journalling ALL contact. Use only blue or black pen. Start every entry with the date. Then only factual records of events. Then your signature. Be detailed but keep ALL emotion out of it. Use the following 2 phrases "Wife states" - for things she says and place "quotations" around them if you can record them exactly. "Wife reports" if it is something you can't quote directly of she tells you about someone else.  Include things you  see/observe. Then record all events names places people you spoke to contact numbers etc.

Example

January 23/2018

Arrived home at 5:30 to find wife's name has baracaided door from within. Wife's friend 'name' is present inside house. 'friend's name' states she wife and I have to sit down and talk this out. I replied "whatever you replied" and advised them I would go for a drive.

Wife reports that so and so said she is going to take son to school.


And on and one and on.

Treat it like a medical chart that will be examined in a court of law by a judge. This sounds crazy and I admit its a lot of work but it was some of the best advice I had during my marriage ending. It was from an amazing lawyer. It totally saved my life in court. For one thing you can say "I would have to check my journal" and a judge will often rely on your record being more accurate than your memory.

I was also advised to start a second journal to include emails and texts chronologically by printing them then taping top and bottom with clear tape to a page and dating and signing across the tape in pen. I did the same with texts and also with all receipts from absolutely everything. This not only provided a bringing of a cost of living assessment but also a paper trail of my whereabouts. Can't accuse me of being home abusing you while I have a time and date stamped receipt fro somewhere else entered in my journal. Paper is everything once you get into the legal system.

And please please be careful. If the meddling friend insists on inserting herself ignore as best you can. If they call again maybe a very brief email stating that you are not going to involve 3rd parties with the exception of professionals.

Google BIFF responses. My lawyer and psychologist taught me that one too. IT was invaluable. You can do this. Be careful and keep posting.

[Radcliff]

prof,

I'm sorry for the difficult time you are having.  It sounds like you are doing very good job of putting safety first, while assertively looking out for yourself and your son.  Your actions are de-escalating situations rather than adding fuel to the fire, and you are documenting.  You are doing a great job of adapting to a situation that just started unfolding.

I really liked the L I met with this afternoon and decided to go ahead and work with him.  He obviously suggested that I try and get home with S5 and get uBPDw to head back to her friends' place.

That sounds like good advice.  You should not be separated from your son and your home because of her abuse.  Asserting your rights and responsibilities with respect to your son and your home are important.  It sounds like you made an attempt this evening that didn't work out, no worries, you used the tools you had, kept everyone safe, and avoided any actions that would make you look bad.  Score that as a victory.  Tomorrow's another day.

I offered to meet her in a public place to exchange S5.  Of course she refused that.  After a while, I decided to head home.  I sent her an email saying that I was coming there to put S5 to bed and hopefully get some sleep.  I asked her not to push me or block me from leaving a room.

Nice idea, good documentation.

When I got back home, the door was barricaded.  Through a window, she told me that she did this because she was insulted by my requests.  I told her to let me know when she removed the barricades, got back in my car, and drove down the street a ways to a church parking lot.

Nice, cool head!  This is where you could ask the sheriff to give you assistance in getting back into the house if it happens again.  Good that you played it conservatively on the first attempt, especially if you haven't gotten to know the sheriff's deputies and their policies yet.  

Talk to your lawyer and see what the suggested strategy is.  Another thing to ask about is an EPO, and "Emergency Protective Order."  :)epending on rules in your jurisdiction, you might have been able to ask the sheriff to issue one on the spot the night it happened. It depends on the rules and the attitudes of the deputies.  Perhaps an EPO is still possible.  A TPO can take a couple of days.  Your lawyer will know local conditions.

I emailed her from the parking lot, asking if I could come back and come inside the house.  She called me a few times, and only emailed to tell me to pick up my phone.  I didn't.

Nice documentation trail again, nice to avoid undocumented and potentially incendiary talk on the phone.

After a few minutes, I drove back to the house.  uBPDw and her friend met me on the porch.  The friend began with this speech about how we needed to sit down and work everything out.  I told her that, no, I wasn't going to do that right now, and that I was there to put S5 to bed and then try and get some sleep.  I went inside the house to our bedroom where S5 was watching tv.  The friend followed me and took S5 away from the bedroom, demanding that I sit down with uBPDw and talk.  This was ridiculous, so I left again.  

Good call.  Your wife's friend may have been well meaning.  But in a situation like this with a male survivor I look at how the situation would appear if you switch the genders of the participants.  Friend of male abuser prevents female victim from saying goodnight to her son and instead insists that she sit and talk to the spouse who assaulted her less that 24 hours before.  That certainly doesn't seem appropriate, and you realized that it was also not OK for you.  

This time, I went for a walk.  I called up a buddy of mine who knows a lot about the situation and has been divorced himself.  He recommended that I just get out of there for the night.  I needed some clothes for work tomorrow, so he suggested that I go back, tell uBPDw that I was interested in talking, but just not right now.  How about dinner tomorrow?

Sounds like your buddy has a cool head.  It is also excellent that you have someone you can confide in and who can support you.

So I did that.  I headed back home, calmly gathered a couple days' worth of clothes, and suggested dinner tomorrow.  uBPDw's friend kept wanting to talk to me, but I ignored her.  Why is our marriage any of her business?  Then I got in my car and drove back to my office.

What did your wife do while you did this?

Two more things to do:  First, drive to the sheriff's office, introduce yourself, and ask for advice.  This will give you another chance to read them, get advice, and be seen as the calm responsible party.  Second, get face-to-face with a local domestic violence advocate.  They can give you in person support and know the local law enforcement, judges, lawyers, etc.  There may be more than one domestic violence support organization locally.  You might want to check out more than one to see who fits you best.

What is the plan for tomorrow (Wednesday)?  :)o you have a set time to talk to your lawyer?  The next 48 hours are critical.  Hopefully you will see him moving swiftly and surely, communicating well with you.  An excellent objective would be to be in your house tomorrow night with your son, and your wife at her friends', assuming that your lawyer thinks this is achievable and wise.

What is the plan on the criminal side?  As formflier said, taking your phone away as you were calling 911 is a very big no-no.  And they have the 911 tapes.  Talk to your lawyer, but based on that alone I would think you might be able to get an Emergency Protection Order (EPO) tomorrow and have her out of the house, plus have a criminal case started.  :)o you have any idea yet if the sheriff's office is willing to pursue it?  If they drag their heels you can also talk to the DA, or ask your lawyer to do it.  When you are telling your story, not only is it compelling that she took the phone from you while you were dialing 911, but also that you felt threatened enough to escape from the home without your shoes.

How is your situation at work?  :)o you have the flexibility to be primary before and after school caregiver for your son for a while?

Let us know how things go tomorrow.  You are doing a great job so far.  Keep things safe, but lean into this with your lawyer's support.

WW

[prof]

I'm sorry for the difficult time you are having.  It sounds like you are doing very good job of putting safety first, while assertively looking out for yourself and your son.  Your actions are de-escalating situations rather than adding fuel to the fire, and you are documenting.  You are doing a great job of adapting to a situation that just started unfolding.

Phew -- it's good to hear that I've been making some correct decisions!  Everything is so backwards from my usual behavior towards her.  It feels so strange, but also so right!

What did your wife do while you did this?

She repeatedly asked her if I still loved her and if I was leaving her.  I repeatedly answered that I was not ready to answer those questions.  Not sure if that was the best response, but I didn't want to get dragged into an argument.

What is the plan for tomorrow (Wednesday)?  :)o you have a set time to talk to your lawyer?  The next 48 hours are critical.  Hopefully you will see him moving swiftly and surely, communicating well with you.  An excellent objective would be to be in your house tomorrow night with your son, and your wife at her friends', assuming that your lawyer thinks this is achievable and wise.

I'm going to try and work.  My first class starts here in 45 minutes.  My L is going to wake up to several emails from me -- we'll see how things go.

What is the plan on the criminal side?  As formflier said, taking your phone away as you were calling 911 is a very big no-no.  And they have the 911 tapes.  Talk to your lawyer, but based on that alone I would think you might be able to get an Emergency Protection Order (EPO) tomorrow and have her out of the house, plus have a criminal case started.  :)o you have any idea yet if the sheriff's office is willing to pursue it?  If they drag their heels you can also talk to the DA, or ask your lawyer to do it.  When you are telling your story, not only is it compelling that she took the phone from you while you were dialing 911, but also that you felt threatened enough to escape from the home without your shoes.

I got a voicemail from one of the deputies from two nights ago yesterday.  It sounded like no charges would be filed or anything.  I'll definitely talk to my L about everything, especially the 911 call.

How is your situation at work?  :)o you have the flexibility to be primary before and after school caregiver for your son for a while?

It's great -- as long as I show up to teach my classes and hold some office hours, they're happy.  S5's school is just down the street from campus, so every day I drop him off, go to work, teach my classes, and then pick him up.  I am the primary caregiver and have been for most of his life.

Let us know how things go tomorrow.  You are doing a great job so far.  Keep things safe, but lean into this with your lawyer's support.

Thanks!

[prof]

Now for some updates:

Some time after I left for my office last night, uBPDw's friend took S5 back to her place, which is a couple hours away.  The friend has been trying to get me to call her, but I haven't yet.  I'm waiting for advice from my L.

Part of me is horrified that S5 is at the friend's house (the friend is uBPDw's weed dealer).  But there are some other kids there and the friend is pretty good with him.  And it does seem to me that it would be easier for me to get custody of S5 back from the friend than it would be from uBPDw.  So again, waiting for the L to advise on how to proceed.

This morning, I got some suicidal texts from uBPDw.  I called the sheriff and asked them to do a wellness check.  She has continued to text me, which is comforting.  I haven't responded.

[DaddyBear77]

Part of me is horrified that S5 is at the friend's house (the friend is uBPDw's weed dealer).

I don’t know if this helps or not, but my instincts as a father are also on high alert with this situation, prof. I hope your L gets back to you soon and I hope the suggestion is to do whatever is safest for your son. For example, perhaps you’re right and it’s a good opportunity to go, now, today, and get your son and not let him go anywhere else again.

Are you documenting all of this?

[formflier]

Make sure you have recorder app on your phone and it is on whenever you are around the friend or your wife.

Might be a good idea to record you and your son, if he starts talking about mommy and conflict.

I hate to think this way, but her friend is likely disordered as well.  Two witnesses against one doesn't usually come out well for the one, unless there is objective proof.

Be careful and good job disengaging.

FF

[formflier]

Prof,

Get a copy of your sons birth certificate.  Make sure it is a certified copy.

Call your L ASAP... .let the receptionist know that you need to talk now.

Drive over and pick up your son.  Take Ls advice on what/how you inform local law enforcement.

You don't want anything to do with "allowing" or "ignoring" that your son is in the care of a weed dealer.

Take your Ls guidance on how you go about doing the pickup, but I would have a hard time imagining doing that without police there.

FF

[formflier]

 I'm waiting for advice from my L.

 

 

Just make sure the receptionist/paralegal knows this is an urgent matter.

You may end up in a shelter or hotel for a few days.  Think about changing password on your bank account to protect your money and get flexibility.

FF

[formflier]

Prof,

You have been playing this cool, disengaging and making good decisions.  Keep this up.

Let's see what L says. 

What is your relationship with you bosses at work.  I'm going to think that the next few days are going to need you "on deck" to work on your family, not work.

I like the EPO.  I'm wondering if there is "enough" with suicidal texts and barricading to have your wife committed for 72 hours or something like that.  Ask L... he will know.

Big picture

1.  YOU need to have custody of your son, yet do so in a way that creates less drama.  L will help.
2.  Wife needs to be out of house soon so you can care for son in familiar surroundings.  Wife needs help stabilizing.

lesser importance.

Deputies can decide to file charges or not.  I suspect they are being wise here (from their point of view).  You and L should discuss if you should go and file charges directly with the magistrate.  I would lean towards advising you to do this, but the L would have the wisdom to understand how this action may fit in with EPOs, TPOs, custody, and potentially a mental health hold.

You have a lot on your plate.  Keep up good work.  This is big turning point for your family.

FF

[flourdust]

Hi, prof. You've got a difficult situation with the question of possession and access to the house and custody of S5.

Here are a few tips I can give you from someone who has been in a situation close to yours.

1. When there is a conflict at the house with your wife - call the police. You and your wife both have the right to access to the house, but they'll try to mediate a situation to de-escalate the conflict, possibly leading to them talking her into leaving the house. Her choosing to stay away until she forced you out, her not taking S5 to school, her handing S5 off to a stranger ... .these are all good pieces of evidence to have on hand for that police call.

2. Your wife has legal standing when it comes to your house and son ... .but her weed dealer does NOT. Call the police. They will remove him from the house. They will take S5 away from him. They will file a report that shows she handed off your son to a drug dealer. Nail this ass and get him out of the picture.

[prof]

uBPDw didn't answer the door for the first wellness check.  Her dad, who also got suicidal texts, requested one too.

Since she didn't answer for a second time, they called me to come and open the door, which I did.

She had taken a bunch of pills, but was conscious. By the time the ambulance got there, she was well enough to scream at the EMTs... .

So I have custody of the house for now!

I drove the two hours to where the friend lives, and am currently waiting for police support to retrieve S5.  I'm hoping all goes well.

[empath]

Call the police. They will remove him from the house. They will take S5 away from him. They will file a report that shows she handed off your son to a drug dealer. Nail this ass and get him out of the picture.

You need official documentation that S5 is with a weed dealer - I'm sure that your L will let you know how best to get that.

I'm impressed by your 'detached contact', too.

So I have custody of the house for now!

Oh, my. I'm glad that you and her dad requested wellness checks for her.

[DaddyBear77]

Sending hopeful positive thoughts for everyone involved. Please let us know how things went.

[formflier]

Prof,

Praying for you brother!  You have done well in the storm of this thing.


Priorities seems to be in order. 

Once you get your son in your custody, please circle back around and discuss commitment papers with your wife.

That way professionals can help her chill out for few days and you can take a few days to chill with your son and perhaps consider a more long term plan.

Hang in their brother! 

FF

[prof]

S5 is with me!  The police were very helpful.  uBPDw's friend handed him right over.

[formflier]

S5 is with me!  The police were very helpful.  uBPDw's friend handed him right over.

   

 

[GaGrl]

You are doing an awesome job!  I know you are probably feeling as if each of these activities is compartmentalized in separate parts of your brain right now... .":)oor #1:  Pick up S5," ":)oor #2: Call police for wellness check," etc.  However, that may be what is allowing you to stay calm and take care of it all right now.  That may not be a bad way to operate for a while longer.  It's often when we start thinking about the entire list of "stuff" that it becomes overwhelming, and the emotions begin to take over.

Keep on keeping on... .

Gagrl

(If it makes you feel better about dealing with the extinction bursts, I'll share with you that my DH (when moving out of the house he had shared with his then-wife -- uNPD/BPD) waited until she was visiting her family in Thailand.  Yes... .he waited until she was on the OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD so she didn't see him physically removing his personal belongings.  Of course, she had been arrested twice for violence against her boyfriends, so... .probably a good move on his part.)

[flourdust]

I am so relieved to hear your latest updates!

One more thing -- have a locksmith out tomorrow to change the locks on the house.

If your wife is on the mortgage, she has the right to access the house ... .but that doesn't mean you are required to give her a key or to let her in at any other than "mutually acceptable times." Your L can confirm this. She's volatile and a flight risk with your son ... .so control some of the chaos by cutting off her free access to the house.

[empath]

I'm in a support group for women who have experienced domestic violence. About a year or so ago, the husband of one of our members died by suicide. He was highly emotional and unstable, like some of the spouses here, and had a lot of similarities to my own husband.

The most dangerous time is when the spouse or partner leaves. Some of the warning signs of very bad things happening include history of emotional or mental illness and suicidal threats. We had a teaching session on it, and I couldn't help thinking that many of the warning signs were also associated with pwBPD.

I'm so happy to hear that you were able to get your S5 back at home with you. Take it step by step. I know it's different from what you would normally do, but this is not a normal situation. Getting help from professionals outside is very wise at this point.

[Radcliff]

prof, you nailed it today!  Bravo    Damn, you have your eye on the ball.  Good show.

Let us know how things are going with the EPO/TPO.  If/when you get a restraining order, standard practice is to give a copy to your son's school.  It might be a good idea to swing by tomorrow to have a conversation with the principal, just to let him or her know what's going on.  Two reasons -- first, it helps set the relationship up in a good way to give them a calm heads up.  Second, if it takes a day or two to get the restraining order, there's a chance that out of goodwill, the school will stall and give you a call if your wife shows up to pick S5 up.

It is natural to worry about the potential impacts of this on S5, and how you might explain it to him.  One therapist I spoke to about this topic said that one approach is to simply wait until the child asks questions, that they will ask for what they are ready to hear.  A more proactive approach is possible as well.  But while you may worry about that, by far the most important thing is to just continue what you've been doing -- being his positive, stable parent, meeting his needs for food, sleep, love, attention, etc.  Read to him, play with him, all the normal stuff.

In the last 48 hours, you have done a fantastic job.  Keep up the good work!

Keep us posted!

WW

[prof]

Thanks everyone for your support!

S5 and I are now back in our home.  After I got him, we spent a few hours hanging out with some family who lived nearby.  I had actually bailed on them over Christmas when I ran away, so it was good seeing them.

I learned a little more about uBPDw's condition.  She's in the ICU, and will very likely be placed into a psychiatric facility after that.  So I should have some time to get things in order before she's out and about.

L was busy in court today, but got back to me this evening.  We're meeting tomorrow to begin filing.

At our consultation yesterday, he recommended against a TPO at this stage.  He said that judges in this part of the state tend to give men who petition for one a funny look.

[formflier]

Good having and L with local knowledge.

Can you call hospital and make sure that if she is going to be discharged that YOU get a call.

Is there anything you can do to insure she gets inpatient for a while?  Have you discussed this with L?

Remember about locksmith... or get your own locks and swap them... .check window locks... etc etc.

Keep up good work.

FF

[prof]

uBPDw has been medically cleared from the ICU and will be transferred to a psychiatric facility this afternoon/evening.  Should be there 3 - 5 days.

That gives me a few days of calm before the impending storm.  I'm meeting my L here in a couple hours.

I told my dean today that I was about to go through a divorce.  My L mentioned it was a good idea to make him aware, especially of the possibility that there might be inflated accusations of abuse.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose my job over this... .

[Radcliff]

I told my dean today that I was about to go through a divorce.  My L mentioned it was a good idea to make him aware, especially of the possibility that there might be inflated accusations of abuse.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose my job over this... .

That's good that you told your dean.  In these situations, it's hard to know what to tell someone -- what's enough but not too much.  With a boss, my natural inclination is to withhold info, though I don't think that's always worked out well for me.  The basic facts often tell the story.  She assaulted you while you were calling 911, she attempted to commit suicide, and she is now on a psych hold.  Pretty clearly you're a guy dealing with a real problem.  If you are also showing respect for your wife, concern for your son, and concern for the needs of your students and colleagues, it makes a good impression. 

If you think your dean is likely to have good advice about handling work demands effectively in the middle of a family crisis, you might ask him or her for advice.  Or find a senior member of the faculty to look to for mentorship.  A bonus is if you find a mentor who your boss also knows and respects.  You might feel a little more comfortable being vulnerable with the mentor than with your boss, and your mentor can give witness to your diligent efforts to navigate the situation.

Do you have a colleague or teaching assistants who can back you up for time sensitive things like missing lectures or grading exams?

Finally, if there are aspects of your job that give you joy and energy, don't let them go while servicing the demands of the family situation.  The family situation and the "urgent" parts of your job will scream the loudest, but the "joy" parts will help sustain you, and will also help keep you from being too myopic at work focusing only on urgent needs and not attending to the whole picture.

uBPDw has been medically cleared from the ICU and will be transferred to a psychiatric facility this afternoon/evening.  Should be there 3 - 5 days.

That gives me a few days of calm before the impending storm.

Do you think you can effectively keep her living somewhere else, or might you end up under the same roof?

WW

[savreina]

Has anyone been able to heal & completely let go? I think yesterday was it for me, all of blame being put on to me, things that I didn’t have anything to do with. Being cussed at like I was a random person, constantly being blocked & emotionally abused. I did something I’ve never done before & blocked her number & blocked her from everywhere. Will she know that she finally went too far?

[prof]

That's good that you told your dean.  In these situations, it's hard to know what to tell someone -- what's enough but not too much.  With a boss, my natural inclination is to withhold info, though I don't think that's always worked out well for me.  The basic facts often tell the story.  She assaulted you while you were calling 911, she attempted to commit suicide, and she is now on a psych hold.  Pretty clearly you're a guy dealing with a real problem.  If you are also showing respect for your wife, concern for your son, and concern for the needs of your students and colleagues, it makes a good impression. 

If you think your dean is likely to have good advice about handling work demands effectively in the middle of a family crisis, you might ask him or her for advice.  Or find a senior member of the faculty to look to for mentorship.  A bonus is if you find a mentor who your boss also knows and respects.  You might feel a little more comfortable being vulnerable with the mentor than with your boss, and your mentor can give witness to your diligent efforts to navigate the situation.

Great advice -- thanks!

Do you have a colleague or teaching assistants who can back you up for time sensitive things like missing lectures or grading exams?

Yeah -- we have a nice small department and work together really well.  They already stepped in yesterday when I had to go home to let the deputies in when uBPDw overdosed.

Finally, if there are aspects of your job that give you joy and energy, don't let them go while servicing the demands of the family situation.  The family situation and the "urgent" parts of your job will scream the loudest, but the "joy" parts will help sustain you, and will also help keep you from being too myopic at work focusing only on urgent needs and not attending to the whole picture.

More great advice -- thank you!

Do you think you can effectively keep her living somewhere else, or might you end up under the same roof?

Yes, actually.  I had a 2-hour meeting with my L this afternoon.  He drafted a petition to grant me temporary custody of S5 and of our house and will present it to the judge tomorrow.  If she shows up, I can call 911.

He also asked me to be honest with her family about my plans, and to ask them two things:

• Can one of them take over as the hospital's contact person?
• Can they help arrange for her accommodations after her release?

I'm procrastinating from contacting them (it's terrifying!), but I need to soon.

S5 and I had pizza tonight to celebrate a return to (relative) normalcy.

[prof]

Has anyone been able to heal & completely let go? I think yesterday was it for me, all of blame being put on to me, things that I didn’t have anything to do with. Being cussed at like I was a random person, constantly being blocked & emotionally abused. I did something I’ve never done before & blocked her number & blocked her from everywhere.

When I've blocked my uBPDw, it felt so good to escape from her drama, even for just a little bit.

Will she know that she finally went too far?

Honestly, I'd be surprised if she does.  More likely, if she's anything like my uBPDw, I would expect her to become more angry that you blocked her in the first place.

[formflier]

Prof,

So... petition gets presented today?

Are there a couple options for people to call in her family?  Perhaps you can post about them here... .perhaps we can help sort it out?  Are there any in her family that appear "non-disordered" (not sure how to put that... )

The following suggestions/ideas are a bit random.

1.  When S5 is not around.  Can you pack up some of your wife's stuff, things that she will need for a couple weeks.  Perhaps you can get it to her family somehow.  Goal being minimizing chances of her "honestly needing" to be back in house soon after release.

2.  Locks on doors, checking window locks.

3.  I've got a picture that your place is kinda rural (am I right?).  Do you have private drive?  Gate?  No trespass signs?

4.  Foster kittens status.

5.  Password on your bank account?

6.  Does somebody need to be "appointed" to care for your wife's finances?  Does she get disability or other check like that?

7.  T for you.  T for your son.

8.  Does the principal at your child's school know?  Does your child's teacher know?  I would think that once there is a signed copy of the order that they should get a copy.

9.  Security of outbuildings/garages and other things not attached or providing access to the house.

10.  Does she have her purse, keys and such.  Where is her car?  (I'm assuming there are two... with the slashed tire and all). 

11.  If you have access to her car, now is the time to give it a good looking through. 

12.  If you have access to her keys... make sure no keys are on there for your car.

Hang in there man.  Fingers crossed that the judge grants your petition. 

FF

[savreina]

So last night my ex texted me I unblocked her number... like an idiot & she sent me 3 pictures one describing the characteristics of an Aquarius (me) & of course everything was negative and the next picture was describing cancers (her) everything was nice & perfect for her description & of course when I replied “that’s not an accurate description of me, she never freaking replied... like what was the point in texting me?

[prof]

So... petition gets presented today?

Yes.  My L wasn't sure which judge is working these cases this week, and one of the possibilities takes Fridays off.  So worst case is that it's sitting on his desk and will be dealt with on Monday.  Either way, my L said to call 911 and call him if uBPDw shows up.

Are there a couple options for people to call in her family?  Perhaps you can post about them here... .perhaps we can help sort it out?  Are there any in her family that appear "non-disordered" (not sure how to put that... )

Yes.  My L already suggested that I contact them, be upfront about the upcoming divorce, and ask them to help uBPDw after she gets out of the hospital.  He said it will look much better to the court if I've taken these steps, and not just left her to live on the streets.

I've drafted texts to each of them and plan on sending them in a couple hours.  (Two of them live 2 time zones away -- too early to send now I think.)

The family members I plan on contacting are:

• Her dad.  He lives two time zones away, but has flown out here several times to help when uBPDw was getting surgery or traveling to visit specialists.  He doesn't have a ton of resources, but he clearly loves his daughter and I think is likely to do what he can to help.  He has some mental problems himself (uBPDw claims schizoaffective disorder), but generally seems to have a good head on him unless you bring up religion or politics... .
• Her sister.  She lives in the same city as their dad.  She and uBPDw both hate and love each other to death, and are always either constantly talking to one another or blocking each other on social media... .  Her resources are also limited, and she's going through marital problems of her own.  But she obviously cares deeply for uBPDw's well-being.  She wanted to stay on the phone with me the other morning after I let the deputies in when she overdosed and pray.  I imagine she'd take more of an advisory/supportive from afar role.
• Her stepmom (dad's ex-wife).  She's the closest -- only one state away.  About a 7 hour drive.  She also has limited resources, but definitely cares for uBPDw and is in the best position to actually physically get here.

The following suggestions/ideas are a bit random.

1.  When S5 is not around.  Can you pack up some of your wife's stuff, things that she will need for a couple weeks.  Perhaps you can get it to her family somehow.  Goal being minimizing chances of her "honestly needing" to be back in house soon after release.

I've had this same thought.  I'll work on packing some essentials this weekend.

2.  Locks on doors, checking window locks.

Good call.  Right now I have all her keys.  But I also plan on changing our locks back to the original locks that were there when we moved in.  (uBPDw demanded we change the locks after her weed dealer and boyfriend stayed with us last summer.  I've been planning on changing them back for a while, as we rent and I doubt the landlord would be happy.)

3.  I've got a picture that your place is kinda rural (am I right?).  Do you have private drive?  Gate?  No trespass signs?

Yeah, we're out in the middle of nowhere.  It's not a farm or anything, but a very wooded neighborhood near a lake.  The closest town is 15 minutes away.  There are a number of other houses within eyeshot.  No private drive, gate, or no trespass signs.

4.  Foster kittens status.

Five of them are going away tomorrow to a new home.  That will leave us with 3.  I'll inquire tomorrow when I meet with the cat rescue ladies about what to do with them.

5.  Password on your bank account?

Changed.

6.  Does somebody need to be "appointed" to care for your wife's finances?  Does she get disability or other check like that?

She currently has no income.  She applied for disability a few months ago, but was denied.  I imagine this is something else her family might be able to help her with.

7.  T for you.  T for your son.

I've been seeing a T already for a couple years.  Fortunately, I just happened to have an appointment scheduled for Monday.  I'll ask him about S5.

8.  Does the principal at your child's school know?  Does your child's teacher know?  I would think that once there is a signed copy of the order that they should get a copy.

I did speak to his teacher this morning.  My L already told me to get them a copy of the order once it's ready.

9.  Security of outbuildings/garages and other things not attached or providing access to the house.

We have a large shed out back we use for storage.  It's locked, and I have all the keys.

10.  Does she have her purse, keys and such.  Where is her car?  (I'm assuming there are two... with the slashed tire and all). 

She has nothing right now except the clothes she was wearing the ambulance and her glasses, which I dropped off at the hospital yesterday.  I'm bringing her some more clothing this afternoon.  I have her purse, keys, phone, etc.

Her car is parked in our driveway.

11.  If you have access to her car, now is the time to give it a good looking through. 

Good call.

12.  If you have access to her keys... make sure no keys are on there for your car.

She actually lost her keychain weeks ago.  She's been using our spare housekey and my copy of her car key since then, both of which I have.  Unless she just "lost" the keychain and has it hidden somewhere, which I doubt, then she has no access to my car.

Hang in there man.  Fingers crossed that the judge grants your petition.

Thanks!  My L is very optimistic.  He said the the suicide attempt and leaving S5 in the custody of her friend out of the court's jurisdiction made things very favorable for us.


uBPDw has been transferred out of ICU and is now in the mental hospital about an hour away from where we live and 30 min from where I work and S5 goes to school.

She called this morning asking for some clothing.  I'll be bringing that to her after class this afternoon.  She also repeatedly told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted to still work on things.  I did eventually respond that I loved her too, but tried to steer the conversation toward the clothing.

She also mentioned that I'll be asked to come to family therapy.  I don't want to do this.

Should I tell her that I'm divorcing her?  Or wait until she's served?  I'm telling her family soon, so they may tell her anyway.

Should I say anything to S5 yet?  All he knows is that his mom is sick and is in the hospital.  However, I talk to my dad on the phone a lot, and he may have overheard something.  I try to be relatively vague when S5 could be listening, though.

[formflier]

I'm going to give my opinion here... .take it for what it is worth.  

I don't think you tell her or tell her family about any sort of "final status".  I think that is supported by the general advice on bpdfamily to not say anything until the paperwork is all done and literally ready to be handed over.

I think you should focus on the family members a couple time zones away.  I think you should focus on trying to get her there and plugged into mental health services there.  That should reduce expenses (live with Dad) and it gets physical space.

I think you should offer to pay expenses to get her there.  All you are asking of the family members is a place to stay and support.

If they ask about the future.

"Well... .this is obviously a very serious matter that I need to give a lot of thought to.  My short term focus needs to be stabilizing the life of S5 and I ... .AND stabilizing my wife's life.  I can't do both with us living together.  I just can't."

I think this should make intuitive sense.

I also think you should text first (something short, and then most of the talk and explain on the phone, then follow up text/email with highlights of what you talked about.)

I'm not trying to influence you to divorce or not divorce your wife.  I think you are on a reasonable path.   I think that once you start tossing out the D word... .it will be like fuel on fire.  I would like you to have distance between you first (and the judges order).

Thoughts?

I'll cut this post here.

[formflier]

When does your current lease end?

Perhaps you could take the old locks to Lowes or Home Depot and get them rekeyed.

I get it that you "likely" have all the keys... .I would feel much better if we were sure. 

Waking up in middle night to someone in your house (upset pwBPD) is not a place you want to be.

If you have old locks and the keys... .which it seems like you do... .this should be pretty cheap.  Even if you have to go to locksmith and have them do it at their shop.

Get plenty of new keys.

FF

[prof]

I'm going to give my opinion here... .take it for what it is worth.  

I don't think you tell her or tell her family about any sort of "final status".  I think that is supported by the general advice on bpdfamily to not say anything until the paperwork is all done and literally ready to be handed over.

I really appreciate your opinion, FF.  However, I went ahead and took my L's advice and was completely honest about my intentions for divorce.  (I've already contacted them.)

I think you should focus on the family members a couple time zones away.  I think you should focus on trying to get her there and plugged into mental health services there.  That should reduce expenses (live with Dad) and it gets physical space.

I think you should offer to pay expenses to get her there.  All you are asking of the family members is a place to stay and support.

This is a good idea, and likely what uBPDw would want anyway.

If they ask about the future.

"Well... .this is obviously a very serious matter that I need to give a lot of thought to.  My short term focus needs to be stabilizing the life of S5 and I ... .AND stabilizing my wife's life.  I can't do both with us living together.  I just can't."

I think this should make intuitive sense.

Great stuff - thank you!

I also think you should text first (something short, and then most of the talk and explain on the phone, then follow up text/email with highlights of what you talked about.)

This is exactly what I did.  No response yet from any of them.

[prof]

When does your current lease end?

It's month-to-month.

Perhaps you could take the old locks to Lowes or Home Depot and get them rekeyed.

I get it that you "likely" have all the keys... .I would feel much better if we were sure. 

Waking up in middle night to someone in your house (upset pwBPD) is not a place you want to be.

If you have old locks and the keys... .which it seems like you do... .this should be pretty cheap.  Even if you have to go to locksmith and have them do it at their shop.

Get plenty of new keys.

Yeah, this is a good idea.  I'll change the locks this weekend.  Like you said, it is pretty cheap and easy.

[formflier]

Month to month is good.

I'm getting way out ahead of myself here... .but something to think about.

Why do you live where you do?  If your wife is out of the picture (for months or... ?) would you live there? 

How long is drive to your sons school?

How long is drive to your work?

If wife isn't in picture for months (or longer) does that add drive time to childcare?


Is your wife on the current lease?

Going forward, there would be lots of clarity of boundaries if there was a new location that works for you and YOU are the only adult on the lease.

Now... .if YOU love living at your current location... then forget all this.  But... .(me included) many of us nons end up living places that our pwBPD "want" or "have to live" and we just kinda make do.

FF

[prof]

Month to month is good.

I'm getting way out ahead of myself here... .but something to think about.

Why do you live where you do?  If your wife is out of the picture (for months or... ?) would you live there? 

It was the closest place we could find while doing an online/telephone search from our previous home (a day's drive away) when I got my current job that would take all of our pets.

How long is drive to your sons school?

How long is drive to your work?

35ish minutes (his school is a couple blocks from campus)

If wife isn't in picture for months (or longer) does that add drive time to childcare?

Most days, my teaching schedule coincides perfectly with his school schedule.  On days when I have a faculty or L meeting in the afternoon, I just pay a little extra for afterschool daycare at the same facility, so it works out perfectly.

Is your wife on the current lease?

Yes.

Going forward, there would be lots of clarity of boundaries if there was a new location that works for you and YOU are the only adult on the lease.

Now... .if YOU love living at your current location... then forget all this.  But... .(me included) many of us nons end up living places that our pwBPD "want" or "have to live" and we just kinda make do.

Oh absolutely.  My ideal end result is to find a place very close to campus with little or no pets.

[formflier]

Direct question:

Are you the pet lover or is it your wife?

Would you be happy with a place that had you and S5 in it (and a goldfish in a bowl to teach him responsibility)


How long have you been at current location?

So... confirm... 35 minutes each way?  1 hour 10 minutes commute each day?

is the current place affordable?  Think you can find affordable 10 minutes from his school?

What would you do if you had an extra hour each day to focus on your r/s with S5?

FF

[prof]

First response from a family member.  The sister got religious on me and asked if I'd keep them from ever seeing S5... . Hoping the dad and stepmom are more constructive.

[prof]

Direct question:

Are you the pet lover or is it your wife?

I love cats, but honestly would be happiest right now with zero pets.  uBPDw begged and pleaded me for each and every animal in our house right now.  This was always accompanied by a promise to take a greater role in their care.  However, that never actually happened... .

Would you be happy with a place that had you and S5 in it (and a goldfish in a bowl to teach him responsibility)

Absolutely!

How long have you been at current location?

2.5 years

So... confirm... 35 minutes each way?  1 hour 10 minutes commute each day?

Yes, exactly.

is the current place affordable?  Think you can find affordable 10 minutes from his school?

Yes and yes.  The college town is in a similarly rural area, so the cost of living is similar.

What would you do if you had an extra hour each day to focus on your r/s with S5?

That would be glorious!  The only good thing about my commute is all the NPR I listen to... .  Plus it's really pretty.

[Radcliff]

prof, I'm glad to hear of the positive progress.  Keep up the good work! 

WW

[formflier]

That would be glorious!  The only good thing about my commute is all the NPR I listen to... .  Plus it's really pretty.

So... .I'm obviously "pushing" to find time to devote to S5 and things other than a commute.   That being said, sometimes commutes can be a "break" and help you switch your mind from work to home. 

I would certainly give it some thought, rather than assuming less commute is better.

I think I have a good sense of who you are and I get the sense that S5 is a "bonus" in your life and your pwBPD (and her antics) are a source of anxiety and perhaps a reason to have a commute to "shift gears".

Anyway... .again I may be ahead of myself here... but something to start thinking about so that your decisions about where you live and your daily activities with S5 are deliberate... vice reactive.

FF

[formflier]

So... .the first family member didn't go so well.

Can you give us some he said she said.  Perhaps we can help prep for future phone calls.

What was said via text and via phone?

Were you surprised by the conversation or is this par for the course?

FF

[prof]

So... .I'm obviously "pushing" to find time to devote to S5 and things other than a commute.   That being said, sometimes commutes can be a "break" and help you switch your mind from work to home. 

I would certainly give it some thought, rather than assuming less commute is better.

I think I have a good sense of who you are and I get the sense that S5 is a "bonus" in your life and your pwBPD (and her antics) are a source of anxiety and perhaps a reason to have a commute to "shift gears".

Anyway... .again I may be ahead of myself here... but something to start thinking about so that your decisions about where you live and your daily activities with S5 are deliberate... vice reactive.

I've actually been thinking about this exact thing a long time.  I've fantasized about leaving uBPDw almost since we got together... .

My goal is definitely to move close to campus.  Ideally, I'm there by the time S5 starts kindergarten next fall.

[prof]

So... .the first family member didn't go so well.

Can you give us some he said she said.  Perhaps we can help prep for future phone calls.

What was said via text and via phone?

There were 3 texts from uBPDw's sister.  Their essence:

• I will be judged by God for leaving my marriage.
• I am a coward for asking her family to help figure out what happens after she gets out instead of taking care of it myself.
• I am overconfident about the final result of the divorce, as I am the abusive one.

She only asked one question -- whether I would keep S5 from them.  I responded that it was not my intention to keep him from his family.  I didn't respond to anything else.

Were you surprised by the conversation or is this par for the course?

Eh, kind of surprised but not really.  uBPDw's sister knows exactly how difficult she is.  She actually told me point blank right before our wedding that I didn't have to go through with it.  So she totally gets why I would want to divorce her sister.

She also has some issues herself.  She threw a chair at uBPDw when they were younger.  A few summers ago when uBPDw and I were in town visiting her family, one of our arguments got upstaged when her sister held a knife to her husband's throat.

As I mentioned above, she's having her own marital issues.  Her husband drinks every night and falls asleep at his desk in their study instead of coming to bed.  Even though this is the second marriage for both of them, they're committed to staying together for religious reasons.  So I'd imagine that hearing that uBPDw is about to go through a divorce probably brings up some pretty raw stuff for her.


uBPDw's dad also responded later.  He was much more matter of fact.  "Where is uBPDw at?  :)o I need to know a PIN number to call?"  I answered both questions and never heard back.



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