So... she claims I am "stealing" from my family

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Where to start... .most of you know a bit about my story... .so I won't try to do much history.

I've "punted" on finances and the wife has been struggling with them and making a mess of it... .near as I can tell.  For me... .it wasn't... .and isn't worth the conflict to try and "lead" or "enforce" any kind of discipline.

So... .over there summer... .there were several times when the bank went dry and the only debit card that I have access to didn't work.  Luckily was able to bum some money from my family... .and make sure I kept getting to work... .  This might be several days worth before payday hit and money was there again.

I get $400 per month as a travel reimbursement.  It's not pay... .just a check given to me... .most of the time I would deposit it... .some times I would cash it... .sometimes deposit and pull some cash back.   I only say this to say that I don't think there is or was... .a pattern.

There has never been any agreement on what should happen with  that check... .NEVER.

So... .after being left high and dry several times... .I started cashing it and would keep it as my cash backup.  When the debit card stopped working... .I had cash to use.  I never again had to bum money.

I've been doing this since June.  Pretty much stopped pulling money out of an ATM... since I had access to cash. 

So... .here's the tough luck I had today.  Someone has gotten a checkbook from this account and written a check... .it's neither of our handwriting.  So... .I told my wife to get my checkbook from my computer bag to see how close that checkbook is... to the check that was written.

Anyway... .there is an envelope in there with cash in it... .and she asks me about it.

So... .I tell her that is the travel reimbursement.  She asks how long I have been cashing it and I say several months... .but that I don't know for sure... .I really didn't... and still don't... I'm taking her word for it when she looked it up.

Anyway... .I had not idea... this was an issue until she demanded I deposit it... .there were some threats... .deposit it or else.  She "knew" that I thought I had gotten away with stealing from my family... .and now she caught me... .and demanded an apology. 

I tried to use time out "rules" from marriage counseling... didn't work.  I started to leave the room after suggesting we take a break so we could speak properly to each other and she "told" me to go to my room.

So... I sat where I was and worked on my computer.

Frustrating... .gotta run... .more later...

[formflier]

Where to start... .most of you know a bit about my story... .so I won't try to do much history.

I've "punted" on finances and the wife has been struggling with them and making a mess of it... .near as I can tell.  For me... .it wasn't... .and isn't worth the conflict to try and "lead" or "enforce" any kind of discipline.

So... .over there summer... .there were several times when the bank went dry and the only debit card that I have access to didn't work.  Luckily was able to bum some money from my family... .and make sure I kept getting to work... .  This might be several days worth before payday hit and money was there again.

I get $400 per month as a travel reimbursement.  It's not pay... .just a check given to me... .most of the time I would deposit it... .some times I would cash it... .sometimes deposit and pull some cash back.   I only say this to say that I don't think there is or was... .a pattern.

There has never been any agreement on what should happen with  that check... .NEVER.

So... .after being left high and dry several times... .I started cashing it and would keep it as my cash backup.  When the debit card stopped working... .I had cash to use.  I never again had to bum money.

I've been doing this since June.  Pretty much stopped pulling money out of an ATM... since I had access to cash. 

So... .here's the tough luck I had today.  Someone has gotten a checkbook from this account and written a check... .it's neither of our handwriting.  So... .I told my wife to get my checkbook from my computer bag to see how close that checkbook is... to the check that was written.

Anyway... .there is an envelope in there with cash in it... .and she asks me about it.

So... .I tell her that is the travel reimbursement.  She asks how long I have been cashing it and I say several months... .but that I don't know for sure... .I really didn't... and still don't... I'm taking her word for it when she looked it up.

Anyway... .I had not idea... this was an issue until she demanded I deposit it... .there were some threats... .deposit it or else.  She "knew" that I thought I had gotten away with stealing from my family... .and now she caught me... .and demanded an apology. 

I tried to use time out "rules" from marriage counseling... didn't work.  I started to leave the room after suggesting we take a break so we could speak properly to each other and she "told" me to go to my room.

So... I sat where I was and worked on my computer.

Frustrating... .gotta run... .more later...

[formflier]

 

Quick update before I head to work.

Apparently still silent treatment. 

I asked if she wanted to go upstairs and hang out... .pray... .and get our day going and she said "not really".

She had some out and was sitting on couch.  Spent night in another room of house.

I was probably pushing it when I asked if she would go upstairs... .since she had answered about "wanting"... .and she said No.

I patted her on her knee and went on about my morning.

[sweetheart]

Hello formflier,

Has the current money fluctuations and variations been because your wife is overspending or spending and not checking funds etc? (sorry wasn't clear from post )

The travel check money for me is a non-issue, as this is for your work travel expenses as I understand it. I personally would not pursue this by way of a conversation with your wife, clearly she felt some sense of invalidation at maybe what she perceived as 'not knowing' about how you were choosing to manage this. Also if there are ongoing issues about how your wife struggles to manage money this will trigger possibly guilt/shame within her.

I suspect your wife will want to focus her feelings on what you have done with the travel expense money, but of course the real issues lie in your wife's inability to manage money.

You will know it anyway formflier but leaving your wife to just run the account dry and remaining silent is not ok for either of you, how do you think you can start to manage this ? What are your options ? Can you use the safety of MC to explore this issues as a starting point? Do you know what stopped you from addressing it sooner ? ( I appreciate you are not long back home, I have read your posts, but i recall there were issues around money before and around the time you moved out )

[maxsterling]

Interesting.  It sounds to me like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation."  If you would have told her about the travel expenses and family money months ago, disaster would have ensued then.  And telling her about it now, she's mad because it went on behind her back.  Am I right?  It may be one of those things where you just have to chalk it up as inevitable. 

I'm facing similar, heck just last night.  I kept a few things from her because I did not want her to be part of the process until I had more details.  Why?  THIS IS WHAT SHE REQUESTS OF ME!  But last night she was upset because I had made a few phone calls and had not yet forwarded the details.  Had I given her the details a week ago, she would have berated me for not collecting all the information, for asking the wrong question, or stressing her out in general. 

I think with BPD relationships we just have to accept a certain amount of this is going to happen.  At some point your wife will calm and may you two can discuss a different course of action going forward, one that will calm her anxieties.   

[Grey Kitty]

FF, you know the tools, and know how to get out of this current pickle as well as anybody on the boards now.

 Good Luck.

I've got some thoughts about the end-point you may want to get to, once this winds down.

Your choice to let your wife have the joint finances is reasonable enough, and works for you. No need to revisit that.

Having something to put gas in your car when the joint debit card runs dry is a very wise boundary to protect yourself from her financial miss-management.

She has reason to be upset about you sneaking money for yourself, given her paranoid tendencies.

Perhaps you can find a middle ground where you keep a buffer against her cash management style, but don't have to 'hide' it from her.

[formflier]

 

We are able to get in to see marriage counselor tomorrow.  Just talked to her on phone and things seemed normal... .and she confirmed she could make the MC tomorrow. 

I'm going to start a separate post about advice on should I move out.  She has "demanded" it... .or "ordered me out"... .a couple times since she discovered the "stealing".

I know the issues are linked... .but I'm thinking two separate topics might be better.

Wish I had more time to stay on the boards about this... .of course... .I'm slammed at work.