Anyone relate to being punished or “made to pay”?

[Jem37]

Hi I’m new here, my husband has not been diagnosed with BPD but a year ago my counsellor suggested he may have or. I’ve only now allowed myself to look into this. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells which has been a great, eye opening help. I now realise I may not be so blind to my own faults but that I’m receiving blame far beyond what is mine to own/in line with any of my faults (of which there are plenty!) can anyone relate to being punished or made to pay? Example- I had a grumpy rant (not complaining about him but about aspects of life!) that went on for about half an hour. Not real common for me. In punishment, as we were stuck on our rural property that has no house,and in one vehicle, the rest of the day I was told not to do anything we had gone to do-eg load firewood. He says if I loaded the trailer, he’d unload it again. So I was stuck all day and unable to do anything. Another example-if he feels I haven’t listened to him, he won’t eat a meal I cooked him or take the lunch I have made him. Any insight welcome! I love my husband but am unsure what our future holds-very difficult time

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jem37]

Just wanted to add-it goes far deeper than this which may seem minor. I’ve also been dropped off in the middle of the night in the country, on our way home from things,a couple of times, once for saying the word “we” at a wedding- he does not allow me to use the words “we” or “us” as it means he’s being included in what I say

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Jem37,



It sounds like you are experiencing the use of FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt), which are tactics used to control another person. Have you seen this article: Emotional blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

Do you still see your counselor?

How do you respond when your h refuses to eat food you cooked or tells you that you can't participate in loading the trailer?

What did you do when he dropped you off in the middle of nowhere at night?

[MrsDarling]

You’re describing abuse. I am so sorry. 

[Mark35054]

Made to pay? ... YES

My uBP wife is mad at me so she tells me this morning that she'll probably be late coming home because she's going to get another tattoo.  She knows I hate tattoos; she's just saying that to punish me. I know she's not really going to do it.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes my uBPDw did this to me.  Here are some examples:

If she was mad at me or if I was upset with her.  She refused to eat what I cooked for dinner.  She would go to the extreme of sitting at the table with us...all the way at the other end and make herself a sandwich and not interact with us at all.

If she's mad she would not allow me to make her coffee in the morning.

If she's mad she will just decide to walk in not speak to anyone, make herself a sandwich or snack and sit in the dark at the table and eat by herself, never asking anyone in the room if they want something.

If she's mad she would lock herself in the bedroom or stay in the family room with her hoodie up.  Hoodie up = don't talk to me because I will not respond.

I stopped engaging with that behaviour.  Needless to say once I did stop engaging and doting on her, she moved out.

SH4