Death of BPDh's abusive father

[amazingcharis]

It's evident to me that my BPDh's father has always been the primary invalidating figure in my husband's dysfunctional family.  Regardless of how obvious his father's controlling,  manipulative,  invalidating and abusive behavior has been toward my husband, my husband's mother, and his siblings, my husband has always fabricated excuses for his father's behavior rather than acknowledge his father's abuse.  My BPDh's father has been very ill for quite some time and has just been put in hospice care, and the doctors think his father's death is imminent (days or weeks).  During the past couple of months my husband has been very attentive to his father and during this time his BPD symptoms have actually decreased.  I'm wondering what I should be prepared for in my husband's behavior/reaction once his father dies.  Any death of a family member is an extremely emotional event. I'm wondering if because of his BPD, my husband reaction will be an off the charts trigger for emotional dysregulation.  What have others of you experienced in similar situations, and how have you handled it? 

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[Go Fish]

I had the same experience with my uBPDh's uBPD mother. There really is no question that she was also BPD, and had a family history of mental illness, which was then passed on. My h faced his mother's death well at first, surprisingly so, perhaps the extra strength many seem to find at first in a crisis. A few months after he started into this raging, unreasonable, blaming behavior, making a public scene once, and that is when I found this board. I guess it's helpful that you are already here. I really tried hard to keep a normal routine, to give up on a lot of what I had hoped for from him (I had never realized this was the problem, and so there was a grieving process for me too), and to give him space. It helped us to go on a lot of walks and hikes at the time to help with his emotions, and those are good memories. I'm glad we didn't fully succumb to the illness at the time. I reduced my hours at work and since we have kids, kept a close eye on them. I also set boundaries on the most important things, and kept up with my own family.

However, we have recently faced another death in the family, and the cycle begins again. I now have less patience with him and am trying to find a safe place for me. I'm pretty burned out emotionally, so I can also say to take care of yourself, your health in all ways first. I responded to your post because it's a tough time and I have experienced it, but I'm sure there are better responses out there. Thinking of you!

[amazingcharis]

Hi Go Fish. Thanks for your response. I'm sorry to hear you've had to face two deaths in the family and the resulting BPD behavior that resulted.  I guess I should mentally and emotionally prepare for the worst but keep hope alive for the best when that time comes for us, which may only be days ahead now.

BPD Family and this board have been a great help over the past five years for me.  It was a lifesaver to know that I wasn't alone in the midst of this craziness.  In the beginning when life with a BPDh seemed so unbearable and I was in total despair, I was on this site every day reading the lessons, reading the books recommended, and absorbing everything I could learn about BPD.  I desperately needed to understand what this thing was all about.  One of the early messages that I took to heart was to take care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually; so I appreciated your reminder not to neglect that now.

I used to be so envious of others on the board who talked about having periods of relative calm between the periods of dysregulation in their relationship with their pwBPD. Times when they could actually have normal conversations with their pwBPD.  I had given up hope of ever seeing improvement in our relationship. After more than nine years of marriage, it's only been within the past year that we've had very brief periods of relative calm.  Those periods are still times of stress in the relationship but less stress and much more bearable stress.  I think some of that has been the result of my personal growth over these years in being more mindful to "not make things worse" in my responses to my husband's extreme emotional states, especially in setting boundaries, validating where I can, trying not to allow myself to be dragged into the "dance", taking a break when things start to get hot, not expecting things from him that he's not able to give at this point in his life or maybe ever (this is still one of the hardest ones for me), and spending more time with my friends and family.  I certainly haven't come close to mastering any of those things and still feel plenty of emotional stress on a daily basis, but I'm so much better off emotionally than I was nine years ago.  Hope has been rekindled.

I'm so sorry to hear how emotionally burned out you are.  That's a very difficult place to be and it doesn't allow the energy needed for being able to be patient.  I do hope you find the safe place for yourself that you need at this time.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you work through this.