I need help: he has BPD, sex and sexuality issues too

[desperate.wife]

I am sorry we are not keeping up with your thread!  What were you shocked by?

It's been a few days.  How are things going now?

WW

Thank you WW, don't worry, I understand there's lot of going here. You are doing wonderful job keeping up with everyone . I really admire your dedication.

I was shocked by the way that he was accusing me being against him for nothing, and the tone. I am not used to that.

Things here are, hmmm, not the worst. ... .He is still depressed. According to different tests, I am too. But he was trying as he put it "not to be a burden". We didn't go anywhere for his vacation. Basically he sits in the yard and smokes his stuff. He is nice to kid, tries to play with her. Till yesterday, when he lost it when he had to repeat few times something. He is having bad dreams, like his father dying or him being Tom Hanks in the Game. After that, he feels empty and all day he does nothing.

I was feeling not too bad but couldn't make myself do anything much either. I've been reading that book Feeling Good, that is recommended on this site. It is great. I am really optimistic about it. It helps me see my thinking and why I feel that way. I hope he will read it too. It sounds like he could benefit great deal from it. He says he will give it a try, but who knows. He says lot of things. I’m also doing moodgym program online. I have to do an exercise where you have to write what you felt and then what you thought and what you did. But the thinking part is hard to me. It seems that I feel without thinking; at least at the moment when strong emotion comes. Let's say I see him with depressed face or he ignores me and I turn sad, hopeless in a seconds. It is not that I do all the reasoning to feel bad. I have to keep reading the book.

Oh, we got kitten. I wanted it since we started living together. He always had excuse: when you’ll learn language, when you’ll get job (for baby was the same reasons... .), and there was always something. Last one was when we move to new home and it was promised to our daughter. Here we were 4 month and it still didn't happen. We have been looking around, but more reasons not to have it were made: we are unpacked, we don't have money, we will go on holidays... .And then, few days ago, he said we should get it, so he is not alone when D3 and me goes away for few weeks. I was thinking that way for a while. Of course he got cold feet, first he doubted he will be able to take care of him, then that D3 will cry when she have to leave it for vacation. But we went through. First day was not easy, D3 so excited, want to play with it, carry it arround and cries when kitten hides scared at a new place. It meows a lot. Many emotions yesterday and I didn't get much sleep. I am surprised I don’t feel that much love for the kitten, I am more annoyed with all the dissorder... .I still think it is a good idea. My husband will have something to care for and the reason to go home after work.

Since I wrote last time on my thread that I was feeling ok, I started to have less energy, and feel more just staring at things that had to be done. Till yesterday evening. Till I saw your reply, WW. I don't know, in a second something changed and I was happy cleaning, and in an hour I did more than whole day, like the spell was removed from me. I guess I am lonelier than I thought. I am happy I found this place. Thank you all.

Later in the evening, my moods changed again because he said he will stay long outside, and I really don't like it. He wakes me up when he comes to sleep. And then he came back saying he was going to stay longer so he’ll might sleep on sofa, took his sheets. I was upset. I cried, not that he was going to sleep on sofa. But that he is acting out like a teenager, staying late, not being responsible. Then, either he forgets to take pill, or he does and sleeps half day. Both ways he wakes up in a very bad mood. And there is so much to do before the trip. (I guess I know what I am thinking sometimes :d) He heard me crying and came to sleep immediately.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Radcliff]

Thank you for sharing with us how you are doing!

Yes, this place is amazing.  It helps a lot with the isolation.  Congratulations on the kitten!  Yes, they are cute when you first see them, but when you own one, you realize that they are very difficult!  I have had cats most of my life, but only one or two at a time, so I'll usually go 15 years between kittens, and I forget how I like cats much better than kittens!  Luckily, time will solve that problem!

I understand what you are saying about moods changing quickly, and suddenly feeling sad or suddenly feeling better.  I find that when I am worrying about things I don't control, like the behaviors of other people, it is a certain way to be miserable.  The more I can stay focused on doing things I control, the happier I am.  It's difficult when other people are doing not good things, but I keep trying.

WW

[SunandMoon]

Hi DW

I've just been catching up on your thread... .wow, there's a lot going on!

I'm glad you made the decision to go on holiday on your own, not his idea. The lake sounds really beautiful and I'm sure that will be a good place to find some peace and have a break from the day to day stress you are dealing with.

I think a lot of this - the escalation you have seen since his diagnosis and starting therapy - is his way of coming to terms with his illness. It would be hard for anyone to have to realise that the way they think and behave is "not right".

I think it's pretty common that people react like this after a diagnosis. Start acting more crazy in the beginning - maybe using their illness as an excuse to behave even more crazy!

This is hard for you not to react to, of course! By try, as much as possible, to separate his feelings and moods from yourself. Give it time... .

I was surprised that only 5 months after he found out about BPD and all others disorders, only now he starts to realise what’s going on. But it was mild. Till sex crises, it was odd but ok. He agreed to go to see sex therapist, and couple therapy. His doctors thinks it would be too much for him to go to 3 therapies. I agree as long as he goes to see sex therapist 

I agree with his doctors. He is struggling as it is, so I think more therapy would probably overwhelm him too much. If he has both a psychologist and a psychiatrist working with him, I'd trust that they know what is best right now. Do you know what other diagnoses he has, apart from BPD?

They are actually addressing other issues as manipulation, controlling people, lack of social skills, each time it is something new. But for me all the problems comes from his sexual needs. Either he is not telling me something or to them

I think you might be right - they don't know the extent of his sexual needs and problems. Maybe the solution - rather than a separate therapy - is to ask him to tell his doctors everything about the sexual stuff. Tell him to tell them that this is really affecting his life and he needs to tell them everything. If he is honest, they can incorporate this into his therapy.

In the meantime, try to keep his moods separate from you and your daughter, DW. This is his stuff to deal with and you can only support him so far. You can't fix him and you need to keep a stable point for you and your daughter.

Are you getting excited about your holiday? When do you leave?

 

[desperate.wife]

I understand what you are saying about moods changing quickly, and suddenly feeling sad or suddenly feeling better.  I find that when I am worrying about things I don't control, like the behaviors of other people, it is a certain way to be miserable.  The more I can stay focused on doing things I control, the happier I am.  It's difficult when other people are doing not good things, but I keep trying.

WW

I never thought about it this way, but it is true we get more upset about things we don’t control. We creat expectantion’s in our minds and when they are not met…That’s why I like this book, “Feeling good”. We can’t control others, but we can control our thoughts. It is a lot of work though.


[/quote]

Hi DW

I've just been catching up on your thread... .wow, there's a lot going on!

Thank you, SunandMoon, for taking time to read all this I really appreciate.

[/quote]

I think a lot of this - the escalation you have seen since his diagnosis and starting therapy - is his way of coming to terms with his illness. It would be hard for anyone to have to realise that the way they think and behave is "not right".

This is hard for you not to react to, of course! By try, as much as possible, to separate his feelings and moods from yourself. Give it time... .

I keep telling it to myself. But it is hard not to get impatient to see the progress. It is easier to give time when he is far.

[/quote]

Do you know what other diagnoses he has, apart from BPD?

I am not sure, he told me months ago, I agreed with all, I remember nodding when he was telling, till he mentioned borderline; I had no idea what it was, so I remember only that one now :d But NPD was also in the list.

[/quote]

I think you might be right - they don't know the extent of his sexual needs and problems. Maybe the solution - rather than a separate therapy - is to ask him to tell his doctors everything about the sexual stuff. Tell him to tell them that this is really affecting his life and he needs to tell them everything. If he is honest, they can incorporate this into his therapy.

I asked him once to tell to his doctors. He replied that psychiatrist thought he was talking every time about sex and that he wanted to talk about something else…That’s why I am insisting on him seeing therapist specialised in the subject.


So an update since last time I wrote…

There was a scene in shopping centre. I was considering to take away (les choice) or to go to self-service restaurant. (Same place, same chain). I was just thinking where would be better for our daughter. When I asked him what he thought, he answered, “take away” immediately, Me: but the other one has more choice…And then he started to loose it: Why you ask, if you know the answer! You always do like that! My answer is always wrong. And so on.
I left them arguing. When I came back, I explained that I asked him so we can decide together. Discuss about it. After eating, he took trashes away from the table, but left plastic bottle. Few minutes later, he put that bottle down, where he was writing and left it. I asked if he needed it (to refill for the car or smth) or I can throw it away. He answered: throw away or should we discuss it, what do you think we should do?
At home, I explained differences between two situations. When I asked about place to eat I didn’t ask him to decide, that it didn’t mean I didn’t have my preferences. He said he understood and would do better.

We never talk like that. We were ok. I don’t know what to expect. Reading other stories here it does not give much hope that he will get better.

About kitten. He said to our daughter in English (which means it was addressed to me): it is mama’s plan, isn’t it? That I always have to come back home. I can’t leave kitten. But I thought about it. I have a plan. I would leave kitten at neighbours saying I need to go for the weekend… Then he adds: I will not do it.
At the airport I asked him to stay alive. He promised immediately. It took me to ask 3 times to stay faithful…In the end he promised unwillingly, without looking me in the eyes. Only because we were in security check up line…And I was insisting, holding the line.

Once at my parents, he announces he has 0 again on the account. After claiming we had more than enough…He asks not to talk about budget anymore. When I saw him on Skype, he was all out off face. Even through the distance, it affected me. Luckily, I could shake it off during the day. Didn’t call him for some days. 

I was sending him pictures of holidays and he was saying he is happy that our daughter is having fun, happy, that she needed real vacations. He started reading “Feeling good”.

He keeps saying he misses our doughter. Only once he said he was missing us both. He never expressed he was happy I have some holidays.

When we came back at my parents, I asked to get bank records of last 6 months. He confessed he went to casino and lost quite some money. Then, that he registered on a dating site. Just to look what is there of interest, not to date anyone actually. He had two anti-stress pills that makes him kind of zombie that day. He was feeling ashamed of things he was doing. That he might go to hospital in two weeks when he sees his docs. I told him to read the book. If he does what is written in it, he will feel better in two weeks. He said he’d do it. I was angry, tired. I said he is not giving me any reasons to come back. I need a stable environment for my girl. I need to be able to give her good food and relaxed mom. He said to stay at my parents till he gets his sh* together. Anyway, I was planning one more week or two, I need some things to do. But we don’t have tickets back.

Yesterday I asked again for bank records. He ignores. When I asked 3 times, he said no. I asked why, answer was that he didn’t know how. B***t. He is IT guy. Internet is his home. He can manage to find those records online. He didn’t read book all day. Talked to our daughter a bit. He was not in good mood. In the evening, he was feeling lonely, but kitten was filling the void.

It has been 2 weeks that we are away but his depression is not going any better. According to his doctors, he is in self-destructive mode. He destroys everything that works for him. They want him to have blood tests. And they are going to give him more medication in two weeks. He had to write letter to his parents that he would never send. He did it, but it will be analised only in two weeks. Doesn't seem very helpfull.

And I don’t know what to do. I will stay here for few more weeks at least. I don’t really want, but my girl is catching up on language and even though she is asking every day to go back home to the kitty and dad, she loves it here with her little cousin and grandma. She has people and no depression around. I am not fully recovered. I feel that I was not enjoying the sea as I used to. I couldn’t relax completely. I couldn’t write.

I need to know how to talk about finances with my husband. Each time it’s 0 on the account, he swears he’ll give me all access to the money, then when he gets payed, he assures all is fine. If I try to talk about it, he feels attacked, he is big boy, and he knows what he is doing. He even manages making me feel uncomfortable and I back out. How do I approach this issue?

[Radcliff]

desperate.wife,

I'm so sorry you didn't get a timely response.  How are you doing?

For the bank account, is your name on the account?  Can you contact the bank directly by phone and ask them for the information?  Do paper statements come in the mail (I know this won't help when you're at your parent's)?

WW

[desperate.wife]

Hi, WW and all,

I was intending to write so many times, but I never force myself to do it. It is as if I need to feel really bad to be able to write. I am more or less ok. I am just passing my days without thinking. I feel worse when I see him online in down mood. Makes me want to stay here forever. When he is in good mood, I think I might be ready to go back.
There were few incidents. He said once he needs us to stay longer away. There was no need to say it. I was not going to go back for at least 2 weeks. He comes back from therapy each time exited and says such statements without thinking. It upset me, because it is my home too and I should be able to come back when I want. Then he started saying we are welcomed but I shouldn't expect him to be better. I don’t really want to go back in depressed home. I was still upset with him saying every few days that we should stay longer. But I guess it is like that for him. He was asking if he could sleep with other people every few days (for him it seemed weeks). He is lost in time, in his mind and I shouldn’t react. But I do

Other thing, he was happy, doc told him to make friends outside the family circle. Which is ok in general, but triggered bad reaction from me. ”Yea, dahhh, it is not rock science to say that. I have been living in foreign countries for years moving and moving, friends are not easy to make. We were recovering from not sleeping for two years, we were going slowly back to normal life, I was hoping we can make friends as family: nice neighbours around. But he isolated us quickly by being cold, and my lack of language for chitchatting didn’t help (I am better in real conversations). And now he would make friends (with benefits?) alone? While spending time on phone or doing sports everyday, including Saturdays (he is less going to gym on Saturdays since we left), he is rarely home. Friends would take more time from us. Me. I would have to beg even more for time for myself…” Those were my thoughts…

Recently he wrote that he decided he wanted to see our girl growing up. Meaning, he is not going to jump. Good news. I felt really relieved. But can I trust it? He got payed so he was in better place, how long will it last? One week? till he spends all the money? Already he didn’t want talking money few days later…It is like I can’t ask anything. Everything is on his name so I can’t talk to bank. Only thing I can do is to try to contact his doctors and inform them as he is hiding money problems from them. Should I do it?
Earlier this week he was on extra pills that makes him zombie, it made me so worry seeing him like this. He was just standing not communicating, you know, out of the car but not going to the apartment for 15 minutes, when asked what’s going on, got angry, said he doesn’t need to report everything to captain DW… Then he said he had too much pills because that female colleague came back from holidays with the same haircut that reminds him his dead ex guy. And that now she is telling she wants to kill herself. I told him it is not up to him to talk to her. Refer to professionals. And sleep. I DON’T NEED THIS.
Next day was his birthday. He overslept due to his pills. He also forgot to take medication in the evening and was feeling down, which led him saying he doesn’t want to talk money or talk at all… With our girl, we made cake and wanted to call him to sing the song but he was already in the bar with colleagues and said he couldn’t answer… We sent a video. He called back when he went to smoke. At least that much.
Later in the evening, he said he doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Maybe it is sign of real change. He is looking for help. His medications are going to be changed. He got checked his blood and heart. He met sexologist (didn’t tell much about it, just that his testosterone will be checked and that he has to play chess and do sports when he has urges. Like it helps…), last two times when he called, he was super nice and engaging with our girl. It felt artificial, like too much enthusiasm, but I appreciate this. Our daughter is very sensitive to his bad moods, the evening when he had lot of pills, she fell asleep saying: we have each other and we will protect each other. 3 years old.
This morning she woke up with questions. Why I am here? Why are you here?

I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I want. I see my girl running with her little cousin, happy laughing, attached deeply to my mom, having fun with big cousin, improving the language every day. She is happy. But she keeps asking to go home. To be all together, daddy, kitty and us. Yesterday she wished we were living next to grandparents…She needs everyone. Me too. I miss my home. But I have no one there but my depressed husband. I know I can’t face any of his angry outburst, I can’t see him of mood. I am not strong enough. I haven’t worked on myself all this month, and I am ok only in neutral situations.
I met a friend that I haven’t seen for more than a year, I told her everything. No one else in real world knows as much. I told her about deadline and his infidelity. She is most acceptant and non-judgmental person I know. I also got tooth implant. I figured it would help with my self confidence. I had removable tooth that I swallowed. It is pricy, I was afraid of the procedure, but facing possible divorce, getting out of comfort zone, and swallowing tooth makes good time for changes 

I am running out of reasons to prolong my stay here. On Monday I’ll have stiches removed, then few more days to get temporal tooth, and voila… Time to go back. Well I still need to find cheap tickets. I feel conflicted. Now it will be my decision when to go back. I should go back for one thing: I have no shoes or clothes for the autumn. :d Weather has changed from 30 degrees one day to 15 the other. And rain… I got cold… Also, I will have to return in 6 moths to finish dealing with my implant. So I will not be there forever. Besides, deadline for us is New Year. I should be there to see if our marriage could work. But I know if he can’t get out of his depression, we can’t work on anything else. Our girl should start some preschool activity group on Monday (she’ll miss that one for sure). It is important class if we stay in that country, but it doesn’t matter if we are going to live here. I got invitation to participate in some therapeutic writing workshop. But I can’t engage as I have no idea what will happen next. Î really want to participate. People’s opinions about it are excellent. Better then psychologist, they say.

Thank you all for reading. I am trying to organise my thoughts. I am not very good at it. I am not organised person in general…


Hugs,
DW

[Buzz2]

DW,

I don't have anything helpful to say but wanted to give you a virtual  .  Keep taking care of yourself!

Buzz

[pearlsw]

Hi DW,

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, even while away! I am glad you had this time with family, and had some space from the issues (although those of course go with you anywhere you may be) to think about what the future might hold.

You mention have a deadline of January. Can you discuss this a bit more? You have set a deadline for making a decision about the marriage, your future, where you and your daughter will live?

Is your husband still wanting to be involved with other people? Have you seen any signs that point to a chance at a future for you, him, and your child together as a family?

warmly, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

DW,

I don't have anything helpful to say but wanted to give you a virtual  .  Keep taking care of yourself!

Buzz

Thank you Buzz! I appreciate the hug  It is helpful!

   

[desperate.wife]

Hey Pearl, nice to see you, I hope you are doing better. Sometimes life is not as we imagined it would be.

About deadline. Yes, it is for our relationship. Well more for him to decide what he wants in life. I don't know. He was so undecided. One day he wants divorce the other let’s not rush, he wants to see our girl. If he could, he would have it all, family and freedom. I couldn't handle this emotionally, so I asked not to speak about divorce for some time. He offered until the end of August. I didn't think in a month something drastically would change, so I said it has to be more time so he had a chance to get better. One can't take decisions like divorce when depressed. So we decided deadline to be New Year. He is trying, asking help from outside, but for now, he did little effort himself. It takes time.

Yesterday we talked about our coming back. Cheap tickets was only for second half of the month. I was not sure if he was happy he would get more time alone or he was upset. He even agreed that we stay a bit longer for some event (faire) I'd like to attend. He offered to wire some money, but then he realized he had non. Again. A week after payday. So his mood was going down in seconds. I am afraid, if he does nothing to control his emotions, he'll be depressed till next payday.

There is a bit more expensive tickets to go back sooner. The difference is 100, but at this time, it is a lot for us. I asked him if he wants us sooner or not. If our coming back would help him or disturb him. He said that it would help. Later in the evening, when asked how he felt, he said ok as long as he wasn't thinking about money or kid being away.

I think I’ll take the cheap ticket and stay here a bit. To get myself ready for facing all the mess again. He will start new medication next week; see sexologist in two weeks (if she agrees to be payed later) and hopefully he will be in better place. I still don't know how to talk money to him. It makes sense for me that only 100 is left. But for him it comes as surprise, he imagines we have more than we do... .Before moving we lived much better. But moving here was expensive. More than moving from country to country  If not his refusal to accept it and deal with it, we would have been back on our feet by now. He lost 1000 in casino last month. We would be fine if he hadn't done this. He has already promised our girl to go to Legoland in a few months... .Luckily she is too little to remember such promises or understand what Legoland is.

I need to work on how to stay calm and detached from his emotions. I need to stop expecting things from him. I do understand he needs to heal and is not capable to do all husband and father should do, but when he is around I do expect it, especially when I see little one trying to get his attention. I tell myself it is ok if he just comes with us, but then if he stays on the phone all the time, gets angry when interrupted and our girl expects him to play with her, I get frustrated. Or if I need help getting her dry after a play in water and I need to ask, because he is not aware of his environment, I get upset. I can do it all by myself, but when he is with us, I expect him to help. I can't control it. And I get very upset, angry, hostile. I can be supportive, but lately I have less and less patience. Especially when I know that he is choosing between me and other people. Hard to stay loving.

Kisses
DW

[pearlsw]

Hi DW,

Thanks for the update!   

I understand about deadlines. I've set some of those too to help put a frame and end date around things. I've found they can be very helpful. Glad you have one in mind!

In terms of your own feelings towards him what are they now? Do you imagine yourself being able to accept the marriage? What are you hoping, at best, might come of his work with the sexologist?

Is there any chance for you to have intimacy with him, to have what you would want out of the relationship? Now or in the future?

take care, pearl.

[an0ught]

If he is BPD his statements about feelings and sex are not to be trusted. He may not lie but he does not know himself. No feelings may well be fear of feelings and at times emotional overload.

Your relationship has been going for a long time and clearly he still us attached to you. It takes a while to wrap your head around attachment, feelings and sex. Related but its complicated.

Babies take away attention. While the baby drama was going on the connection / attachment became stronger. No there is normalcy and that void is frightening him. Triggering abandonment. And of course the solution is elsewhere... .

Your situation is complex. Take your time to figure out what to do, lots if good advice has been given. Educate and practice the tools here - they do help when done with focus and consistency.

Hang in there ,
a0

[desperate.wife]

In terms of your own feelings towards him what are they now? Do you imagine yourself being able to accept the marriage?

It is complicated. Even before all this, I was feeling lack of emotional connection. Each time apart, I was not really missing him. I would be upset to leave him when going on holidays. It would feel real. But once we are apart, our communication is limited. So now, after more than one month apart, only once I felt that I missed him a bit. When he tried to be playful with our girl. The rest of the time... .I don't miss depression. And I keep thinking about all the things our relationship wouldn't have with his BPD limitations. That is, if everything were fine in his head on all other issues. I guess the time until deadline will help to see if I can accept this marriage. Our girl keeps asking to go home. I see how much better for her is here, how happy she is with all the people around, but she also needs daddy and home. Worth trying for her. I bought tickets today and I am torn. I know I have to go, but I don't really want... .At least today. My feelings are conflicted.

What are you hoping, at best, might come of his work with the sexologist?

That he understands his needs and learns to control, accepts there's a problam. I don't want to walk on him doing his business any time of the day no matter our kid is running around or not. I can't let her walk on him. It is an issue for me. And if he chooses life alone, he'll still be her father, if she goes to visit him I need to know she will not see different partners each time or unproriatre biahavors.

Is there any chance for you to have intimacy with him, to have what you would want out of the relationship? Now or in the future?

I don't know. If I feel loved, needed and respected. He was not wanting me recently. I felt alianated. Most important he has to be great father. I need to know we are on the same page in raising her. If I see him being there for her, I could have be nice to him. I can't get everything I'd like from this relation, I never got it all, but at least he was there, loving as he knew. Now, I doubt I can get what I need: a partner. In future, I don't know. He is good man, if he can get rid of his depression we can still have good times.
But damage was done and it would take time to repair it. Last 4 times we had/tried sex it was bad. First 3 he was not feeling it and forcing. Doesn’t make you feel self-confident… And last time, he was happy, and I cried. It was like old old times, where he cared only for himself. He was never good in reading body language and noticing your emotions. Except for few months at the beginning of the year, when he was all about pleasing me after reading some book. But that last time scared me. I will not go back to that bad sex times. And he was all so happy and satisfied. It will take time until I’ll be able to relax next to him in that way. It is sad.   

[desperate.wife]

Thank you, an0ught, for taking time to read and answer, it is really helpful to see different points of view, helps to keep me more focused.

If he is BPD his statements about feelings and sex are not to be trusted. He may not lie but he does not know himself. No feelings may well be fear of feelings and at times emotional overload.

I know he doesn't lie, and doesn't want to hurt me intentionally. That is why I chose longer deadline, hoping he could understand himself. I am learning not to trust in hard way... .

Babies take away attention. While the baby drama was going on the connection / attachment became stronger. No there is normalcy and that void is frightening him. Triggering abandonment. And of course the solution is elsewhere... .

I guess it is true. He was all in during pregnancy, and first years of baby growing. Then things where coming back to normal... .Also he had lot of stress at work with the deadline of project coming to end... .I guess it's a mix. We will never know for sure.

Your situation is complex. Take your time to figure out what to do, lots if good advice has been given. Educate and practice the tools here - they do help when done with focus and consistency.

I need to become better person to practice those tools. I don't have patience. I don't think I have fully digested the situation I am in as it was changing so fast. Being away from the tension calmed me, only once or twice briefly I felt anger arising when my kid was not listening. I have two more weeks to relax and work on my thoughts.

I really like your signature  it is so truth
DW

[desperate.wife]

Hello everybody,

time has come and tomorrow I am going back to my husband. After I bought tickets (which was very hard emotionally), I was completely not thinking about all those things for past two weeks. I was just enjoying being here. Had good time. Went to old entertainment park that has old old inventory from my childhood (some from my parents’ childhood). Went to pick mushrooms in the forest. Had great time walking in the gardens in the still warm sunshine. Felt the happiness of the moment, when you just walk, sun shines, you smell fresh cut grass, hear some birds and you breath it all in and just can't help but smile how great it is. I haven't felt that for long time.

(I am crying writing this, I have no idea why).

I bought some encyclopaedias for kids and craft and activities books. I will try to concentrate on what matter most. Be with my girl, I have one year to enjoy till she has to go to school. I also got idea how to get some money working from home. 

Am I ready to go back? Yes and no. I miss living on my own; I hate to be far away from my family. My husband seems ok. As he says, new dosage make him feel well adjusted. We haven’t talked about anything but our girl. Didn't raise any issues, except once he said he was stressed coz we are coming back and he has no money. I told him I had some cash in that currency and D3 will have what to eat. He said he missed us. I didn't feel the need to contact him much. Yesterday he said we should all go to see his parents for New Year.

I know when I get back if he is fine in his head I'll get used to being together again. And I will care again. It is always like that, but this time there is more baggage.

Do I try to talk with him about things before coming back? Or I just go and see how it goes? I want him to be not competitive about languages. Our girl now speaks more my language and he got pushy over skype. I am afraid she will go back speaking his language like always.
I have no idea how his sexual needs progressing. I don't know if he is going to expect something from me. I am not ready for that. I feel pressure already…
I don’t know if he has thoughts about suicide. He does look better, I still can’t be sure.
Money still an issue. This month he got money from his parents again. Very little for us but in their country can be half salary. I don't care anymore that he is taking money from them.
Before leaving, he asked expensive presents for his birthday, like some piano, 3D printer... .I got only t-shirt with his favorite TV show, I think he could like. But it is small present. He likes to make giant gestures and he expects them in return. I don't have money for that. Do I tell him not to expect anything big?
I am afraid to say anything to put him in depressed mood.

These are my thoughts and fears today. (I cry again…).

Yours, DW

[pearlsw]

Hi DW,

Nice to hear from you! I know this feels like such a big moment. You are in one part of the world with family and the language of that place, and then you will be back with him in another part of the world and language and all will be different. It can sometimes feel like you are going being planets and not just countries!

Try to take it easy. Look at your own assumptions and expectations. Work with letting go. Be clear about what you want, don't want, and what you can compromise on.

Are you two together now mostly for your child or do you also hope to see him make some changes? He is taking medication and doing counseling? If so, that does take time.

The less you push him to change, and keep turning the focus back to yourself the more at peace you will be I think.

What things are you feeling the urge to talk to him about? Maybe best to get some of that energy out here as it could lead to a lot of stress and pressure for you two. Being together after being apart could be stressful for any couple, it takes time to adjust, but under the circumstances it is even more so for you and your husband.

How are you viewing your marriage these days? What do you want from it?

warmly, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

Thank you Pearl, I'll get back on your thoughts soon, I need to pack today

Just quick update on my husbands therapy. I dont know what to think about it.
My husband has been in therapy since February. They diagnosed BPD, depression, existential crisis and lot of other things. He has been suicidal. He was in a hospital for a week. Last few months it was not intensive therapy at all. Once every two weeks. I always worried he was not getting help he needed. He has been seeing 2 doctors psychiatrist and psychologist separately at first then joint sessions. He is on medication.

Yesterday he went to see them again, and they said they would see him in two weeks to see how it goes with us back (D3 and I spent almost 2 month at my parents). Then they might refer him to another doctor. They said they did everything they could and he is not getting better. Is it normal?

[Hopeful05]

Hi, just wanted to reach out, not so much with advice, but just that many aspects of your story seem so similar to me. My kiddo is still younger but we had a lot of similar childrearing stories and beliefs. My husband does not having the sexuality problems of different partners. Has struggled with porn and just doesnt get sex is emotional for me. It matters that we are connected and things are healed. For him it is so physical due to past abuse and porn surely numbing and giving improper feelings toward sex.

I also have been super stressed about finding proper therapy.  It is so hard! I called the mental health center here and asked who specialized in PBD, they said everyone does. However, I look up their training, background and specialities and none of them have it! I get the tired and feeling isolated. We moved recently and dont have many friends.

I get making decisions based around having a family for your daughter too. I often think this isnt fair to me but then I think that's against my beliefs and my son deserves a family more.

Are you sure the frequent divorce being brought up isnt a way to test and prep for abandonment? I know my husband did that once when he was having a really hard week. He gave me three options to deal with his crap, move on and let it be, or divorce.  I told him none of them are acceptable, we will be working things out, and he is accountable for his actions. The next day he apologized for being in such a dark place and thank you for not divorcing him. Your situation, obviously not the same, but maybe since he cheated he is feeling like you dont want him? BPD does not always make sense and often doesnt follow logic or truths.

I am not sure If that is your case at all but with the text you saw, maybe he is testing limits?

It seems he is invested in your relationship and does not want to lose it. Just trying to test and see what he can get away with and keep it? What happens when you put firm limits? Like I do not want a divorce and I expect you to only have sex with me?

I do not understand why his therapist doesnt want to talk to you. Did he not allow it? Maybe ask your husband to involve you in a session?

Anyways if you ever want to just talk feel free to PM me.

[desperate.wife]

Hi, Hopeful,

I was just browsing through board to find your post when I found your reply to mine. I read your story few days ago, and it just stuck with me, sadly, so much in common in our stories.

I miss those times when it was only porn :d Was easy days :DI hope for you it will not escalate into something more. I guess men in general sees sex differently than women, but with BPD it gets more complicated. It is the way my husband acted when he was getting negative answer. Like it is the end of the world. He would get upset. Would still insist. I would feel so guilty. And scared that every touch and kiss has to end in sex. I just need to feel save and loved.

I don't know if him bringing up divorce was test or fear of abandonment. All the readings about BPD would suggest that. But he also has this inner conflict, where he wants to be with men. And other women. So it is mixed issue which makes it hard for me to really understand what is going on.

People here helped me to realise that I am not ready for open marriage. When I made it clear for him that I am not ok with it, he fell into deep depression. He likes to have options, even if he is not going to use them. Me being firm on that topic was hard for him. And me. Depression is contagious. He still brought divorce after that, because of his urges, I guess. I don't know. Untill I said I can’t live like that, if he is not sure about divorce we should set the deadline, long enough to get heads clear. I know he still have doubts but he haven't brought the subject back (since July).

I have looked at doctors backgrounds here too. To find DBT specialist around here is really hard. I would settle for good CBT doctor as first he needs to be cured from his depression. Psychologist he is seeing now, supposed to be CBT... .But his sessions now is like that: he talks, they listen. In the end psychiatrist tells what’s wrong with him and that there is lot of work to do. The end. He got homework 2 times: letter to his parents, and list of his values... .So how to find better CBT specialist?
I am new to therapies, had no clue of kinds there were until few months ago. But reading "Feeling good" I got idea of how session should go. It is active conversations with intention to show errors of thinking (useful for most of us) and lot of homework. I believe, for him it would be useful to go therapy twice a week. Intensive work. Current doctors thinks he doesn't need more than twice a month and it is their job to put him in stressful situations so he would deal with them himself. Isn't he in therapy because he doesn't know how to deal with it? Teach him! So now there is a chance he will get new doctors. Fingers crossed. Also docs said they might put him to hospital again.

My guess why psychiatrist doesn't want to talk to me is because it involves me. Whether or not he wants to be with me. Also he is strange doctor. Old fashioned? He said it is illegal. Ad least that is what my husband told me.

In some thread, someone said that kid would be happy if mom is happy. It is true, but it is not as simple as that. Kids needs both parents. I read somewhere that parents’ divorce is bigger stress than parents fighting. Something due to routine, they are used to arguing, they accept it as normal. Divorce is change and abandonment. So it is a lot to think. For me I guess it is important how he will manage his emotions.


Hopefull, I happy to meet you and you too can PM me any time.

Kisses,
DW

[desperate.wife]

Almost one week that I am back.

Yesterday morning there was a situation that I didn't handle well. With my D3 we woke up very nicely, very happy moments until husband comes from toilets.
H: D3, do you love me?
D3: A bit. Not much.
H. Why?
Me: Because you ask.
H: No. At night, she said she didn't love me. Multiple times. (He had really dark face and seemed deeply upset by that.)
Me: you dreamt it.
H: No, she did.
H: Do you love me?
D3: A bit. Not much.
H: Why?
D3: Because I am little.
Me: you can't ask her that. And you can't be upset because of that. She is 3.
And so on. I was angry.
Ten minutes later I realised I should just told him something like that: Oh, It must feel bad to hear that, but you know she doesn't mean it. She doesn't really get the meaning.
He left upset.

So I still react automatically. Coming back was ok. My D3 was got sick on second plane, and was sick all night. Vomited few times. Husband didn’t wake up when I called for help. Pills. I didn't get upset. Just took care of her. Next day I found bathtub was all black and her bath things all dirty. I discovered that when I wanted to take my bath while he played with D3. Instead of some relaxation, I got bathroom scrubbing. When I went to look for product to clean under the think in the kitchen, I was met by the spider webs, It was well guarded. Didn't get upset. Husband just asked: was it so bad? He was surprised. He didn’t see how filthy it was... .I discovered one drawer under sink was full of water, my lady stuffs ruined. Didn't get upset. Just informed husband to check on it. Toilet was dirty. He said he didn't have money for cleaning product. Dishes was washed but kitchen was a mess. Earlier that day I cleaned the entire floor, as there were grass everywhere: bathroom, bedrooms kitchen... .I didn't get upset. He said when he cuts grass it gets stuck to his shoes... .Grass is cut only in the middle, he wouldn't move anything to cut grass under. It doesn't look good. Bushes around our yard are becoming trees. Still not upset.
I did get upset when on Saturday he was in easily irritated mood. Got angry for nothing. When he saw a mosquito on the mirror and thought it was good idea to hit as strong as he could. With his palm. Next to D3 bed... .While she was almost sleeping. Then on Sunday he complains of a mess. Look how we live. It is not good for her. It depresses me. I couldn’t help but say that I cleaned apartment before leaving. He said yes, it was his fault.
We spent 4 days together, and I was calm mainly. First few days I wanted to make some connection. Like put head on shoulder while watching "Better call Soul", but after his angry day (which he admitted and he didn't like to feel that way) I feel distant. I do what I have to do and expect nothing. For now. Yesterday he came back in a good mood being nice and I didn't feel friendly towards him. I just tried to be polite. I guess, for me it will take time to heal from all things that happened.

D3 is very happy to be home, she is super happy to see dad. But she is also ok with him going to work, she is calm. First day she wouldn’t let kitty go. It peed in her bed just before sleep time... .Too much love for kitty. I understand kitty, but peeing in bed is off my limits. I can't handle that too. I don't feel friendly even to the kitty. It his cat now. It is afraid of us.

Oh one thing he said maybe on Friday. That I shouldn't worry, his urges are gone, for few days he didn't satisfy himself. Maybe due to his medics. Will see how it goes.

I just realised why he came back happy yesterday…He got payed. Will see if it is 0 in a week…He still insist he got it under control.


DW

[an0ught]

Ten minutes later I realised I should just told him something like that: Oh, It must feel bad to hear that, but you know she doesn't mean it. She doesn't really get the meaning.

But I have to tell you that sentences containing "but" tend to be invalidating. But it is even worse, you are telling him what he knows.

But I'm sure you can do better  

The trick is to think what you want to say and then to edit it. The editing step is crucial. First get out what your instinct tells you - not point fighting it. Some people have a tendency to say "but". I know, don't ask me why  . But it is really critical to realize that "but" is negating and can easily lead to invalidation or twisting or injecting our judgement. "But" is almost as bad as "why?" which is another trigger for turning tables and asking the other to justify themselves. So when you instinct is done you take a step back and edit it. Now that I got all my but's out I'm ready to give it a try:

Don't we wish we hear back all the love we have for her? Children are all over the place with what they say and what they mean. Can be confusing and hard on us.

The editing process is real work and takes effort. It is there where our learning happens which ultimately enables us to react better in real time under pressure.

[desperate.wife]

Thank you an0ught, it is very helpful. You are right, but is invalidating. You make it look so easy, why didn't I come with it. It is like magic what you did with words. Truth is, it doesn't come to my mind on the spot. Or even now. I failed few more conversations. Once he started talking about how he feels indifferent, numb, he know he needs to be for D3, but he doesn't feel it. All this while waiting in the line in supermarket... .So I smiled and said he always choses odd places and time for such conversations. And then I just let it out. That it is his medic making him feel numb, that doctors won't help him, hospital will not help if he doesn't work on himself. Pushed him to admit he didn't do the mood exercise that doctor gave him in the beginning of therapy and got info that doctors don't try to say anything to him, it is not their job. They are just done with him. I just made him more depressed. I push and in the end he feels worthless, bad. But no matter what I say in the end he says it is all his fault, he is bad.

On another occasion he admitted he was feeling bad at work and if he was not going to hospital, he would ask for stay at home leave from work. Reason? His colleague doesn't talk to him anymore, she doesn't admit he is ill, she is dead to him, he is dead to her. He even talked about it to his boss... .
I feel she has personality problems herself, I told him that. And I don't believe he won't talk to her anymore. He swore he is done. Not first time. I also told that clearly she means a lot to him, if them not talking makes him want to avoid work. I try not to think about it. I am not in school anymore; I don't need Mexican soap opera dramas at home. They both need help and they shouldn't be friends. Period. I even wondered if he wants to go to hospital to show her that he is ill. Like last time.

He asked to be admitted to hospital, which old docs happily agreed. He went there and they admitted him only because his doc asked; after interview, docs there didn't think he needed hospitalisation. He went to public hospital this time. Nothing like first one. He got room with someone to who Jesus promised Harvard and immortality, and who prays all night long. There are real crazy people seeing things, and he got so scared that he started reading "Feeling good" that he was postponing for few months. Anyway, hospital agrees he needs help, but they offered to come there twice a week. Problem is, we don't have money again. It is hour away from home. Bus and 2 trains. Pricy. He told that to them. He asked to be moved to private facility but it is unlikely to happen. He will see doctors again in 1 hour.

Anyway. Money problem. He went to bank to see why he couldn't take cash the day je was leaving for hospital. He was informed he had -300. 600 was reserved by insurance. He cancelled that and asked insurance to wait for it. They agreed to take just half this month, which leaves us with 0. Till 23-24 October... .Not first time. (I have 60 to pay for D3 preschool class on Mondays (she loved it, I don't want to cancel it) and 100 for food, I have freezer full of meat and some pumpkins stocked in the kitchen. I also have some money left on my account, but it is very limited money. I am looking for online jobs to feel more stable.) While in bank, he texted me. And I asked to get those bank records. He didn't. Back home I asked him if he did, he got so frustrated, sensitive, defensive: I am trying running all over… I get, he is going to hospital, stress and all. Except not. He gets this way each time when I talk money, ask for those records. Since July. Each time I believe it is going to be fine because before moving we were ok. Very ok. We didn't count for food, plane tickets, toys, clothes, random trips, airBNB and such, we were not rich but we were ok. Moving was tough. We had to pay two rents. Got new bed, sofa. He took loan of 6000 for that. With lower rent + loan we pay the same as for old apartment. Car rental fees caught up with us on June.  And insurance that he paid on July at once instead of paying it over 3 month. On August he lost 1000 in casino. September was supposed to be just, he gave some money to me as I was staying away, and it was short for him. I thought if we were together, we would be fine. So brings us to this month. On Saturday he says everything is payed and he has 2000 left, so he buys chips and stuff. I buy meet to freeze and vegies that can stay long time. He assured all is good but I had hard time to believe. It should be fine, thinking logically, we should have enough money. But we don’t. Somewhere there is miscalculation. And I'd like to see the records. I don't believe he is hiding something, I think he is just frustrated, that there is no money. I don't know how to talk to him. How without setting him off without all the buts that is in my mind I ask him to get those records?

-I understand that it is scary not to have money, how about we do our budget together. Maybe we have some subscription we don't need (he just got Netflix, we can live without that).

How do I formulate this conversation?

He get defensive and I back off but it can't last. Now he wants to sell car. I said no. I need to see budget. I am at lost here. Should I be firm and insist? Any suggestions?

 
DW

[desperate.wife]

Hey BPD family,

Few things to share.
First, he gave me logins to the bank, I was right, one click and you have all the records... .And there is no mystery there. In one week, we've spent 1000... .For almost nothing. I spent some for necessary groceries but the rest... .Gone in the thin air... .I have his card now. We have to be careful. Also we got some bills for doctors from beginning of the year and all the rest taxes. It is going to be tough. I need to do more calculation, but I think we can spend even less for everyday needs. I hope he will be able to accept that we can't spend now. He seems willing to do that, but it stresses him a lot.

Second, Doctor in hospital wants to meet with me. That's big. I am even stressed about it. I am very insecure and fragile, and I am afraid I won't be able to rest calm. And I need to show that I am ok and I can take care of our girl. According to my husband, doc wants to see how things are at home, talk about what I can do to make him feel better at home, answer my questions. I don't know what questions I have. Is there hope? Hope for what? I guess my main concern is how much of his sexual desires is BPD and how much it is his true nature. When he says, he wants to sleep with others I should not take it personally, validate and stick with my boundary. Or should I let him free, bisexuality is something he needs to embrace in order to get better. How much likely that once he gets rid of his depression, he will be like he was all those 15 years I know him, or this train is gone. How serious are his suicide thoughts, what else is he diagnosed with? I don't know if we all be together or I will meet doc in private, that would change what I can ask, wouldn't it?
The meeting is tomorrow. Any suggestion on what I should address to doctors or what I should expect would be highly appreciated, I am really nervous. I got ticket with money we don't have (I did little translation for a friend, it should cover the trip), I need to benefit from this meeting as much as possible. Who knows when someone will agree to talk to me again.

Anxious,
DW

[desperate.wife]

He just gave me to read a report from hospital in which it is written that after I got the news about his sexuality and attraction our couple went into big conflict. And that after he had slept with a patient, I left to my country for a month without talking at all. It is complete bs.

I was nothing but supportive. I used my fingers to go to his whole. I don’t mind, he like it and he did stuff for me. He enjoyed it at first till it made him miss males more. He asked for divorce. I considered open marriage, I saw he was suffering. He slept with a female, I wasn't angry, by the time I had read enough about BPD to understand his actions. I was surprised that it was female. Open marriage off table. We went to Paris, we had sex. He asked for divorce again. And again when we were back. And some time later. He talked about suicide few times during all this time. And when he asked one more time for divorce I said yes, next day he said no, he didn't want it. We agreed on deadline to see if us can work. I left for planed holiday (rooms where booked on April). And we kept in touch every day. My coming back depended on my dentists as I decided to get implant on advise of doctors. And I came back.

He says he didn't tell we were in no contact, just that he wasn't sure if I come back.

Why doctors wrote that? Is it what he is telling them, or they just typed fast to be done with it?

It hurt me. I had panic attack I was nothing but supportive all the time.

[once removed]

hi desperate.wife,

i can see why reading that would upset you. it sounds like things may have gotten crossed up.

how are you feeling today? any update?

[Beneck]

Hey desperate.wife

Read some of what you read.

I have nothing of substance to add, and others here are far better suited to guide you throught this. But I'd like to say that I really admire you for your commitment and love for this man and I hope things go well

[desperate.wife]

Thank you once removed and Beneck for stopping by  It means a lot.

How things are now? One day at a time. I asked him about wrong details in the rapport, as it also said that it was he asking for new doctor, not that doctor was done with him. He said they misunderstood him, he tried to explain but they still think it is him changing doctor. He sounded a bit irritated. I don't know. I still don’t know if I should address this to the doctors. Is it important what is written there?

After hospital, it was few strange days. Then the nurse came to check up on him and go to the doc together. It was nice to have someone to listen. My husband was denying we had money problems, so she asked me what I thought. I told that, yes we did and I couldn’t get my husband to see that for months. But by then, I had already all bank statements and bank card in my disposition. So I said we could try to manage better our budget. She also came back next week. I expressed my concerns that he couldn't relax. She offered to talk to his doc about it. He says it won't help, because it is all about breathing. It doesn’t work for him. Nurse thinks that he can't let go, and it’s a problem. Anyway, I have started to listen meditation before sleeping; he has to listen too  And he tries to do it too. He tries. After first meeting with nurse, he said I was holding things from him. Like not telling him about money but telling nurse and doctors... .Before second meeting with nurse, he was stressing about money, and he came to me and we talked through it, step to step.

He was on heavy medication and was going to bed at 7 pm. Could sleep till 8-9 am. He felt indifferent, felt no need for psychiatrist. He was trying to be here for us. It started feeling like home again. His dosage was lowered and he sleeps less, felt sometimes like he enjoyed some activities. We played board games, danced and did gym on our girl orders, went to town together. Like real happy family. Sometimes I see that he forces. Especially last few days. Maybe less medics makes him feel more stressed, less calm. But he is less on his phone. We did 2 hours walk the other day and he was there with us, not with his phone  I just need to keep reminding myself not to expect anything. It is easy to get expecting him to do this and that while he seems better. No expectations, no disappointments. I am learning to enjoy the good and not be upset when he is not up to something. We can do ok with my girl, just two of us.

No intimacy yet. But he did touch my boob. In the evenings, he is out so... .But he talks as if he would want. He hadn't watch porn or did anything since his dosage got increased, month or so.

One thing bothers me though. I am saving very cent I can. I am not buying cheese for my breakfast and no books I want for my creative zen writing workshop. For me always first thing is to buy better food for our D3, something nice to her. I didn't buy anything for me, but he just picks up big cola (for later, and then one can from the fridge for now. Come on. And he is saying he is not going to fight over 70 centimes and that he had needs... .Made me so upset. (he also bought 2 books 20-30 each last month with credit card that we had to pay this month and all other payments with credit card he doesn’t even know what for). I have needs too. A bottle of water fell in to dirty water on the street and I was really thirsty but I didn’t buy another one. I could wait until we get home. But not him. Anyway, other time he just wants new game. And when he wants something he becomes this cat in boots from Shrek. With those eyes. Smile. So innocent. Impossible to say no. He does it every Christmas; how he needs new phone, new computer, new something. Always convincing reasons, always something that will change his life (and mine). Instead of putting money for saving, he spends it on technology. I never win. Now the game. It is a small thing. And I gave in. He promised not to by weed this month in exchange. Still buys cigarettes. So yes, this still can get me. At least I put aside safely money for my workshop (once a month but full day), D3 preschool and some for my implant (need to save 600 until spring).

Today he was more irritated. Less patient. I asked about it. He said, he was stressed. More than usually these days. Apparently, he forgot his medication this morning. He was stressed about going back to work (in two weeks). And staying home. Car needing new tires. Then he expressed his disappointment that he is stuck either feeling stressed or feeling nothing. I tried to point it to him that it is not true. He can work on stress, learning to relax and working with docs, there is other options, and it is up to him to chase them. One thing in rapport they got right, he is expecting miracles from doctors, that they should fix him. His face was gloomy; he said he was not feeling right, he was hoping to get away with playing. I told him to play that it would help. Build a castle, I say. So he played, did all the exercises our D3 had imagined, and even prepared her bed and stayed with her while she was in bath. And at first I was like, let it go, I’ll do it. Because I am trying to make some order in toys and he never knows where things goes, but then I thought he is helping, he is trying. It is mess anyway.

It is written in the rapport that I should see a therapist too. I cried in the of the meeting with doctors in hospital, well just couldn't hold tears. They think i am on the red line. They haven't seen me few months ago! I am much better now. I am sensitive person, so sure i cried. I even didn't put any make up, I knew I would cry. I am doing my best to stay stable. That creative writing workshop helped, even if it was once so far). Every exercise starts with meditation, and it was first time I did it not from books or internet but with someone guiding. It changes so much. I don't do it every day yet, but if I stress I do it, and I write sometimes. On teacher's recommendations I started guided meditation, would fall asleep way before the end :d I do mood gym (not regularly though) and I’m following coursera class for everyday creativity. It is very interesting even though I am way behind. One of the tasks was really helpful in regards of communicating with BPD and anyone really. It goes like this:

Do you defer your judgment? We would like you to take the test!  Spend the next 24 hours monitoring your judgment, and see things from different points of view. Keep your eyes open for an idea that you don’t like or that you love and consciously defer your judgment around it for a few minutes.   Now it is important to realize that you are not agreeing to the idea, you are  simply giving yourself the space to explore all aspects of the idea.  Who knows?  You might find something fascinating.  And when you are offered something different or unexpected, practice relaxing, listening, and understanding. Share your experience deferring judgment below.

It is very hard one for me. In regards of my husband. It was much easier task that deadline was today and I saw it this morning:
Instructions

Use an inexpensive light switch plate, a fork, a light bulb, a wine glass… the choice is yours! Use your creativity to decorate your mini masterpiece. Once you’ve decorated and personalized it, upload a picture of your mini-masterpiece! Then complete the short reflection about the assignment. 

I had 30 minutes and I panicked, I won't do anything on time. But I ended up transforming old pot from basil to a pen holder, decorated with brown thread and glittery glue. Nothing impressive but hey, 30 minutes  Much easier than defer my judgment about my husband’s actions.

I started to read "Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One". I am on the quest on emptying my home... .I like to keep things and I get demotivated seeing piles of clothes and toys everywhere... .But I am moving forward. Little by little, I want to read book further, but I won't till I get my home clean and nice
I keep reading "Feeling good".

Well I got carried away... .

How are things today? Better  Will see tomorrow.

(is there a class how to make short posts?)

[once removed]

I still don’t know if I should address this to the doctors. Is it important what is written there?

well, certainly its important in that it was upsetting you to read. im not sure though, what offering your version of events or correcting the record would do.

No intimacy yet.

can you catch me up on this a bit, what led up to the lack of intimacy, and how long has the relationship been without it?

what is he on medication for, and for how long?

Then he expressed his disappointment that he is stuck either feeling stressed or feeling nothing. I tried to point it to him that it is not true.

one thing ive learned too many times is that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink.

sometimes, our partners need to just let off steam and feel heard, and when we can give them that, they really thrive off of the support, and build up that desire to affect change in their lives.

have you explored the power of asking validating questions?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

[desperate.wife]

well, certainly its important in that it was upsetting you to read. im not sure though, what offering your version of events or correcting the record would do.

I am thinking it can mislead his treatment or something. They are saying he wants to change doctor and sees it as symptom, like he can't commit, needs control or something, they were using this as example in hospital meeting. By then I was too tired to ask why they are saying it is him wanting to change doctor. And he was not correcting them either. I am confused what he is really saying, and what he thinks he is saying.

can you catch me up on this a bit, what led up to the lack of intimacy, and how long has the relationship been without it?

How do I do I cut it short? ;)

Confession in January he is in love with a man, and that he hid that he was bi even from himself for 15 years. He’d like to see men if I am ok with that.
Great sex between us. I am enough for him.
Uncontrollable sex needs. Behaves like an addict.
Demands for open marriage.
His doctor thinks that he talks too much about sex and wants to talk about something else.
Suddenly lost desire for me. 2 attempts to have sex. He didn’t enjoy.
In hospital, he slept with a female patient.
We went on a trip. We had sex, he didn’t enjoy.
We had sex once since then. He liked it. It was horrible for me. He didn’t care about me at all. Just about him. That was beginning of July. Since then, nothing.
At hospital, he told that he still had no desire for me. But with those new medics he had no desire at all since mid September.

what is he on medication for, and for how long?

Depression, help sleep. He also has medic for stress. He has to take it when stress comes at work or home. Max 4 a day. He was taking more. It turns him into zombie and he remembers nothing of what he does when he takes it. But he stopped taking it in exchange of weed (legal one without drug substance). He is on medication since March I'd say. It was updated few times. He thinks medication will cure him. When they change something, he is all good for few days, then he goes back being depressed.

one thing ive learned too many times is that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink.

I know. But he was so sad, I just want to be supportive to show him other options, I know it is up to him to use them.

sometimes, our partners need to just let off steam and feel heard, and when we can give them that, they really thrive off of the support, and build up that desire to affect change in their lives.

have you explored the power of asking validating questions?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

I see now I should have handled that in different way.
I feel stuck... .
It must feel bad to feel stuck? I am sorry you feel that way?

The validation is hard for me to practice with my husband. With my D3 I do it all the time... .
I have read about validation, but I haven't seen that one with questions! Thank you. I'll try to use them.

Yesterday an anger incident happened. Our kitty peed in D3 bed. Twice. We have already changed her bed: she was growing it out ant cat made it litter box. Even pooed in it.al. So, I got angry, for peeing again. I did what my mom used to do when I was little, I put kitty's nose in the pee and tapped once or twice on the head. Not proud. I get it is very wrong and won't help. She is upset with D3 chasing her all the time, she is stressed. My husband was angrier; he didn't want to let her go, kept punishing. I had to ask him let it go. I arranged sleeping solution for our daughter while he was cleaning mattress. Then I was putting her to bed while he played video game and cat pooed behind his back on the pillow and made pipi twice... .In our bed, on his side. He got the cat, and I heard the taps nonstop, he was so angry that I had to shout to him to stop it. Later he told he almost killed the cat. We would get rid of the cat. I don't deny, the thought crossed my mind, but you don't get rid of pet when something is wrong. We have to try to find solution. He went for smoke, I went to see kitty locked up in bathroom, she was so scared. I cried. Because I don't need problems with kitty, I have enough. Kitty is supposed to bring peace and happiness to the home. Because he was angry, so angry. I don't know I just cried hugging kitty. He was sorry he made me cry, all I could think what if it is me or D3 that would make him so angry?  He stroked the kitty when he came back. He said he didn't like to be that angry and that we will find solution with cat as we always do. He spent some time with cat on his knees. Then he asked for meditation audio and we slept on sofa.

[Harri]

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