An Old Message Has Come to Light

[FreedomReigns]

A few years ago, when I was fairly active on this board, I posted that I thought one of my daughters was exhibiting signs of BPD. Fast forward to several years later. That same daughter, who is now 13, has been officially diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety, and depression. The anxiety, I know, was in part due to my uprooting her yet again to move to another town after my mother died (I had moved to get away from the controlling in-laws after my husband died). She has since settled into her new school and has made new friends. And who wouldn't be depressed after her daddy died? Duh. We are still struggling with the ODD, but we're making progress. I have since taken parenting classes on how to deal with a child who has ODD and I learned that I, too, push buttons and we both have to work together. Easier said than done, of course, but we try.

At the time I posted that, I was, for whatever reason, lambasted by another poster who said, "You believe everybody you meet has BPD!" I was definitely taken aback, and that has always been with me. Well, call it Mother's Intuition or whatever, but I knew. I just knew my daughter had something going on that I couldn't quite put my finger on. And I was right.

No, I don't believe everybody I meet has BPD, but I do know that it is quite prevalent in our society, more so  now than ever before. Or perhaps we're just more educated now than before? But I do believe it has been around for a long time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi FreedomReigns

A few years ago, when I was fairly active on this board, I posted that I thought one of my daughters was exhibiting signs of BPD. Fast forward to several years later. That same daughter, who is now 13, has been officially diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety, and depression.

Sorry to hear your daughter has been diagnosed with these things. What kind of treatment is she getting? Doctors are often very reluctant to diagnose children with BPD, yet sometimes the signs are clearly there. Perhaps you can benefit from taking a look at this thread about early signs of BPD in children:

Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

We are still struggling with the ODD, but we're making progress.

Dealing with these issues can be quite challenging so I'm glad you feel that you're making progress What aspects of her behavior are you still struggling with most?

I have since taken parenting classes on how to deal with a child who has ODD and I learned that I, too, push buttons and we both have to work together. Easier said than done, of course, but we try.

To help you better deal with your daughter, I encourage you to also take a look at the tools and lessons on the Parenting board.

At the time I posted that, I was, for whatever reason, lambasted by another poster who said, "You believe everybody you meet has BPD!" I was definitely taken aback, and that has always been with me. Well, call it Mother's Intuition or whatever, but I knew. I just knew my daughter had something going on that I couldn't quite put my finger on. And I was right.

I find it unfortunate that you had this unpleasant experience on this board. As a mother you see your child every day and when you sense something is off, I find it very wise to explore if there might be something going on with your child

[FreedomReigns]

Perhaps you can benefit from taking a look at this thread about early signs of BPD in children: Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

Thank you. I will definitely take a look at that. She isn't getting any treatment right now. They didn't think her symptoms were severe enough for medication. At the time of her diagnosis, a lot of her "issues" were pinned on me as a single parent, which is why they sent us to parenting classes. That, and the fact that she had lost her father at an early age (she was only four when he was tragically killed in a work-related accident). It's all still so new to me, not to mention scary.

What aspects of her behavior are you still struggling with most?

I can't place my finger on any one thing. We (her three other sisters and I) are constantly tiptoeing around her for fear of setting her off (this is why I thought she had BPD, i.e., us walking on eggshells around her). She's very defiant toward me mostly. I attribute it to me being the only parent she has (thus the saying, "You hurt the ones you love the most". She does not act up in school; in fact, the teachers think I am crazy for thinking there was anything wrong with her.

To help you better deal with your daughter, I encourage you to also take a look at the tools and lessons on the Parenting board.

Thank you. I will.

I find it unfortunate that you had this unpleasant experience on this board. As a mother you see your child every day and when you sense something is off, I find it very wise to explore if there might be something going on with your child.

Thank you. I agree.

[Skip]

A few years ago, when I was fairly active on this board, I posted that I thought one of my daughters was exhibiting signs of BPD.

That was 2009.  Some members were debating the idea of whether a seven year old could have BPD.  I remember reading it after the fact.  That had to be hard.

I got a call from my D11's counselor the other day.  She said they have diagnosed my daughter as having "anxiety disorder, depression, and oppositional defiant disorder."  It has been a very long road with her, and I am thankful that we now have a diagnosis and can move forward in getting her the help she so desperately needs.  That, coupled with the parenting class we are all taking, should help our family become, hopefully, a family of peace once again.

And I remember the diagnosis in 2011.

The anxiety, I know, was in part due to my uprooting her yet again to move to another town after my mother died (I had moved to get away from the controlling in-laws after my husband died). She has since settled into her new school and has made new friends. And who wouldn't be depressed after her daddy died? Duh. We are still struggling with the ODD, but we're making progress.


I have since taken parenting classes on how to deal with a child who has ODD and I learned that I, too, push buttons and we both have to work together. Easier said than done, of course, but we try.

Great to hear that things are improving.

Many parents have difficult children... .looking back on all this, what wisdoms can you share?

Welcome back.

[Turkish]

I think it's great that you have reached out over the years and also taken the initiative to get your daughter help.

An old family friend of mine whom I've known 30 years (since she was 9), recently came out that as an adult, she was diagnosed with BPD, GAD, c-PTSD, and depression. I remember her behaviors as a young child, and she had a "small fuse," so to speak. A mom who probably isn't BPD, but has some traits, didn't help. I kind of lost touch over the years, but I went to see her a few months ago. To this day, she still blames her mother for not getting her the help she needed as a teenager, telling her mom again and again that she was depressed and needed help.

Whether or not your daughter ever appreciates that you got her help, reached out for support, and took classes, you've done a good thing.

[lbjnltx]

Hi FreedomReigns,

Good to see you back here on the Parenting board.

I get what you are saying... .about knowing there was something more than normal behaviors/reactions with your child.

My d was dx ODD at age 11.  We did some family therapy and the Total Transformation program at that time.  Unfortunately the skills were less than effective and we were referred to another therapist that was more knowledgeable about disorders in children and teens.

What skills did you learn that have been beneficial in dealing with your d's ODD?

lbj

[FreedomReigns]

Whether or not your daughter ever appreciates that you got her help, reached out for support, and took classes, you've done a good thing.

Thank you.

I think it's great that you have reached out over the years and also taken the initiative to get your daughter help.

Again, thank you.

That was 2009.  Some members were debating the idea of whether a seven year old could have BPD.

I understand that. My own brother, however, was considered (not diagnosed) as being "hyperactive" when he was only four years old, and the doctor told us to stop giving him chocolate (true story). That was it. That was in the mid-70s. We've come a long way since then, thankfully.

I find it unfortunate that you had this unpleasant experience on this board.

I have gotten over it, but there are tactful ways of saying things without hurting a person's feelings.

Great to hear that things are improving.

Thank  you.

Many parents have difficult children... .looking back on all this, what wisdoms can you share?

Hmmm. What wisdoms can I share? Well, one of the things that was an eye-opener for me was that I tend to push buttons, too. I have caught myself nagging and carrying on when things aren't getting done, which only results in more defiance. So one of the things we started doing was creating a "contract" that everyone in the family signs. This outlines consequences for misbehavior, such as taking away an iPod or a privilege. We also used "tickets" for good behavior. When they had a certain amount of tickets, they got to do something special, i.e., a movie or Dairy Queen or swimming at the local water park.

In the beginning D13 refused to sign the contract. She first tore it up. I made another one. She wrote a different name other than hers. She didn't like the idea of having a binding contract. The third time she signed it with her name, and we utilized it for quite some time, until I fell off the wagon and it pretty much disappeared.

Other wisdoms include listening to the child and not interrupting. I have caught myself interrupting D13 several times, which only adds to her frustration and causes her to act out even more. I have learned to not react immediately but to take a time out for myself when things get heated. When I do this, she no longer has an audience and it deflates her purpose (a tactic I used with uBPD MIL). I have learned to not always give into her. She is the youngest and oftentimes, the youngest get spoiled. We are no exception, unfortunately. I regret spoiling her as much as I did because now we're paying the price.

She is a good girl, really, who is just misunderstood. She's very bright and I can see an excellent future for her. It's just these troublesome times we're in now that are challenging.

[Kwamina]

Hi again FreedomReigns

Thanks for sharing these lessons you've learned! Also very valuable for other parents reading here.

Hmmm. What wisdoms can I share? Well, one of the things that was an eye-opener for me was that I tend to push buttons, too. I have caught myself nagging and carrying on when things aren't getting done, which only results in more defiance.

... .

Other wisdoms include listening to the child and not interrupting. I have caught myself interrupting D13 several times, which only adds to her frustration and causes her to act out even more. I have learned to not react immediately but to take a time out for myself when things get heated. When I do this, she no longer has an audience and it deflates her purpose (a tactic I used with uBPD MIL).

I am glad you were able to identify the things you do yourself that might make the situation worse. Only when you're able to notice these things, is it possible to change them We have some articles related to what you discuss, if you haven't already you perhaps may find it interesting to take a look at them:

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

So one of the things we started doing was creating a "contract" that everyone in the family signs. This outlines consequences for misbehavior, such as taking away an iPod or a privilege. We also used "tickets" for good behavior. When they had a certain amount of tickets, they got to do something special, i.e., a movie or Dairy Queen or swimming at the local water park.

Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is indeed very important

In the beginning D13 refused to sign the contract. She first tore it up. I made another one. She wrote a different name other than hers. She didn't like the idea of having a binding contract. The third time she signed it with her name, and we utilized it for quite some time, until I fell off the wagon and it pretty much disappeared.

When you say you fell of the wagon, what do you mean exactly? In what way did you fell of the proverbial wagon causing the contract-system to disappear?

She is a good girl, really, who is just misunderstood. She's very bright and I can see an excellent future for her. It's just these troublesome times we're in now that are challenging.

This is also massively important what you say here. In spite of all her challenges, you are still able to see the good in her. She might have certain issues, but with the right help and guidance her future can definitely be very bright

Take care