I dont want to stop trying, but I should

[cartwheel]

I have to be completely honest with myself, I do not want my relationship to end.  I don't want to detach.  I still want to try and it devastates me that he doesn't anymore, he says this is the last time and I think he means it.

Im trying so hard to tell myself this is the best thing for me, but I can't help but wonder how he can forget all the wonderful times we had.  Where did that man go to, he was so loving and kind.  He went from telling me that he would take care of me forever, even if we weren't in a relationship he vowed to be my friend.  But now I am this pariah that he won't even speak with anymore, wont even have me as a friend as he says I am unhealthy for him.  He has such disdain for me, its so confusing as I didn't do anything to deserve such hatred.  He doesn't even treat his XW who cheated on him in their home like this!

He has torn me and my kids down to the point that I feel worthless, insisitng that we are all narcissists and we live an ungodly life.  He told my relationship with my son 17 was creepy, as I had picture of us on my phone when we were visiting colleges.  I thought it would be a nice memory.  I doubt myself at every turn.  Then he turns around and says what a great Mom I am and how loving and compassionate I am.  Only to tell me the next day I have no empathy and that I never loved him.  He tells me Im beautiful, but then says I use it to seduce him and he needs to stay away. 

Its back and forth, I can never win.  We went to therapy (3 visits) and he said I was manipulating the therapist (a women)to be on my side.  If I say I won't go he says I dont want to try.  I made 5 appts over the next month, yet he says he needs to see some effort from me that Im willing to change.  Im in individual counseling and would do couples, if he wouldn't keep breaking up with me prior to the appointments! 

then he tells me, our relationship is hopeless, because I can't change since I am a narcissist.  Then he touches my hip and says how he loves to touch my skin.  then he starts to cry and "performs" his goodbye.  Crying and saying how much he loved me but it just wont work.  Its almost like being on the show "the bachelor" - he does love to watch that show by the way.  Its strange how I just realized that.  We have had many goodbye episodes in our relationship, all involve tears from him.

Im exhausted just writing this and this is what Im living.  I just want it back like it used to be, no drama and easy and he was nice.

 

[Turkish]

Hello cartwheel. I am so sorry for what he is putting you through. As someone replied to you in your intro post, he is definitely gaslighting you (as well as projecting his own faults), trying to make you doubt reality. That is because to the pwBPD, their "reality" is what they feel at the moment. It is even more horrible that he is doing it to your relationship with your son.

Abandoning therapy is typical. Mine took us to one session, had two individual sessions herself, and then quit. I'm still going two months later.

You know what your relationship is with your son, as you forged it before he came into your life. Remember that. Believing in yourself

[ShadowDancer]

No sane adult man talks or acts the way you have illustrated.

Once a disordered person even begins to affect the lives of "your" children it is GAME OVER as a matter of principles! If one continues to permit that insanity to impact "your" children and their relations in the name of "your love" you yourself become complicit in the scorched earth policy of the Personality Disordered.

You signed up, the children did not. Other than the children there are no prisoners, only victimized volunteers.

Continue forward with your individual counseling and dump this guy ASAP. He is a "freak show".

[cartwheel]

Turkish,

Thank you for your support.  You are right that I forged the relationship with my sons, long before he came along.  And that is the one thing everyone tells me, that my boys are good kids and Im lucky to have such a good relationship with them.

My fiance used to be supportive of my sons, but then turned on my oldest, spewing hateful words and criticism at him, with no foundation.  My son is a good kid, motivated and good student.  My fiance started to criticize him for his achievements, his job, his extracurricular activities, nothing was good enough or he was only doing things, like helping in the church, to look good.  I doubt my 17 yro would get up at 6am just to go look good, he enjoys it and its his thing.  He said my son was a narcissist because he was polite and social.  I noticed this intense jealousy of my son come out of nowhere.  Maybe not, my son was starting to excel in high school and his son struggled, switching schools and not going to class. My fiance actually blamed my son for his son not doing well in school.  The boys went to the same school at that point, but never were in the same classes or hung out.  We didn't live together, the boys really never saw each other.

But when I think back on the past, it makes me sad, my boys would get so excited when he came over.  He came over every night.  My youngest, would hug him and tell him he loved him.  He was part of my boys lives for 5 years and I watched my fiance slowly destroy their relationship.  He was nice and loving to them and then turned, but I really cant pinpoint when he turned, for my kids it was slower. 

I guess i just answered my own question as I wrote my post.  I often beat myself up and wonder what I did wrong.  Now as I wrote the part about my boys, it occurred to me that he treated them the same way he treated me.  He was loving and kind, then turned hostile and blaming.  He was very mean in what he said to my older son, but always defended my younger. That always made me curious, I know he was abused by his older brother when he was young and felt that his mother never came to his defense.

Both my sons agree, that they never want to see him again and that he is a man with no integrity and that he never really was that nice guy to begin with.  Out of the mouths of babes!

[Turkish]

Turkish,

Thank you for your support.  You are right that I forged the relationship with my sons, long before he came along.  And that is the one thing everyone tells me, that my boys are good kids and Im lucky to have such a good relationship with them.

My fiance used to be supportive of my sons, but then turned on my oldest, spewing hateful words and criticism at him, with no foundation.  My son is a good kid, motivated and good student.  My fiance started to criticize him for his achievements, his job, his extracurricular activities, nothing was good enough or he was only doing things, like helping in the church, to look good.  I doubt my 17 yro would get up at 6am just to go look good, he enjoys it and its his thing.  He said my son was a narcissist because he was polite and social. 

Wow. That is just pathetic and sad.

I noticed this intense jealousy of my son come out of nowhere.  Maybe not, my son was starting to excel in high school and his son struggled, switching schools and not going to class. My fiance actually blamed my son for his son not doing well in school. 

Well there you go. Your son's success triggered his own insecurities and lack of self-worth as a father. Zero accountability on his part, and probably further enabled his son's poor performance.

Both my sons agree, that they never want to see him again and that he is a man with no integrity and that he never really was that nice guy to begin with.  Out of the mouths of babes!

Your children are wise and sound mentally and morally balanced. You should congratulate yourself for raising such great kids, and they should take credit for being great kids :^)

[GlennT]

Bpd's are not your forevers or soulmates, etc. They are the Night of the Living/Walking Dead. If you continue with him, all he will bring to your life and children's is sorrow, hell, emotional,or physical death. There are stories here in the archives of members escaping death from them, and fortunately, lived to tell us. The longer they stay in a relationship, the sicker they get. I read a story about a BPD laughing about a past victim who had killed himself over her. They suck out and drain us of all the emotions they need, and then discard us. They are emotional vampires, who leave us traumatized, love-addicted, emotionally/physically/mentally exhausted,etc., then want to leave, blaming us.