Today she hit me and cut herself…

[thankful person]

I can’t help feeling that everything is my fault. I know I have to stay strong for myself and my children.

It has been a really hard time. My dbpdw continues to be jealous of my work and my relationships with our 3 children. Despite birthing them, breastfeeding them and still co-sleeping with them all, the evidence seems overwhelming that they do all prefer me. I understand that this is because they are scared of my wife’s unpredictability and how loud and angry she becomes at times. Maybe they also take her for granted being the stay at home parent. They are always so happy to see me when I get in.

My wife thinks I don’t care about her and all I care about is kids, work and housework. My Dad is also very sick and she is also struggling to accept my emotions over the possibility of losing my Dad.

It’s been a bad couple of weeks since my wife got baptised and she is refusing to go back to church because she wants to feel joyful and happy in order to attend. I’ve tried to tell her that church is there to help her feel better but I know it’s none of my business.I was really hoping church would help my wife with gratitude and acceptance and love, but it seems she just thinks Jesus knows how badly I treat her.

Then I got the phone call from a work agency asking about the gaps in my CV 20 years ago, and I had to tell them I was travelling the world (with my ex). Apparently I didn’t have to tell them this and all I want to do is go on about my past.

Of course today being Valentine’s Day was going to be hard. We had already decided that we would not do cards and gifts as we don’t have any money and cards just get ruined by the kids. My wife has kept on about, “how are we going to celebrate?” We don’t get a babysitter as our little one has never left her and we don’t have family nearby. Eventually she agreed it was hard to think of anything we could do.

We ended up going shopping and she chose some special toys for our girls who were at nursery. She sat them in their car seats ready when she collected them. Then she rang me saying, “put them away, they’re not having them”. D4 had made a heart for me at nursery but not one for my wife and she very clearly said, “it’s for Mama because I love Mama and I didn’t make one for Mummy because I don’t love Mummy.” Very harsh on my wife and she was in tears over it. By the time we got home, D4 was wanting to apologise and say she loved Mummy and wanted to make her a heart tomorrow. We later realised there are photos on Facebook of the children making hearts and quotes about who all the hearts are for. I just wish they had encouraged her to make a heart for both of us as she has two mothers.

I have been writing a song for my Dad. He doesn’t have long left and I was thinking I’ll write a song when he dies to have at his funeral. Then I decided I wanted him to hear the song before he dies. I sent a video of my reading the poem and next week I’m going to visit to play him the song on the piano. It happened that my wife was playing the piano a little this evening and I asked her if she would like to hear the first verse of my song. Terrible suggestion. Because it made it all about me and nothing is ever about her and no one cares about her and the kids hate her. Then I went to sort out the bins and she hit me across the face as I went to change the bin bag, because she wanted my full attention.

Then I heard her upstairs sobbing, and this is unlike her but then I went up to try and comfort her and she had cut herself with a razor blade. My wife has an extensive history of severe self harm but the last incidence was about 2015 so this is very serious.

Thank you in advance for your replies. I just wanted to share what’s going on because I have no one to talk to. I have been trying to remain calm, validate her feelings, but for years she has been unhappy because I’ve never given her the sex life she craves and I don’t support her and she doesn’t feel loved or desired. I can’t comfort her or express affection or my desire for her physically, because then it’s “all about me” and I’m just doing it for myself. When we learnt how sick my Dad was she held me several times that evening but since then has refused.

I am going to see my parents next week. I couldn’t go last week because D2 had chicken pox and this was life-threatening for her. My wife  is trying to stop me from visiting Dad, saying I could have germs and make him worse but I’m not letting her stop me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry TP. It's clear you do care very much for your wife even if she isn't able to perceive it well.

A relationship with God is a relationship. BPD affects all relationships. It seems that your wife is in a sort of Karpman triangle dynamic with her religion. You don't have to believe her perception though.

Church is a community of human beings- and the social aspect may also be challenging for someone with BPD, or they may thrive. It can also be a supportive community. I wonder if there's a way for both of you to go together if there's a child nursery there to watch the children.

I am glad for you that you plan to see your father. As to the kids prefering you, I don't think you can help that. A relationship with children is also a relationship and depends on the capacity of both people to have that relationship.

It's good that your wife has been affectionate with the children, but-as they get older, there are other elements to a relationship as well. It's not that I don't want a better relationship with her- it's due to her BPD - we were less emotionally secure with her than with my father. The relationship with each of them is different- they are different people.

[usagi]

Really sorry to hear what's going on TP.

I've been feeling like supporting my pwbpd is difficult in the good times when I don't have any other major stressors in my life.  I'm so sorry to hear that your dad is very sick and may be dying.

What did you do in the past when she started the self harm?  Do you think it's the relationship with the kiddos that is exacerbating things now or is there maybe something else?

[thankful person]

Thanks not Wendy and usagi,

I’m not sure why my wife is struggling so much, she’s just fed up with her life. I would love to have her life taking care of the kids, because I would do so much stuff with them, take them places and do activities, crafts, baking, learning, spend time in nature. But all they do is eat and watch tv.

It seems obvious that maybe she should work and I’d stay home, given how much she wants to get out, earn money, and meet people. But there’s absolutely no way she would agree to it because she wants to be the important one in the kids’ lives and would be jealous of me looking after them. She’s jealous of what I do when I spend 5 minutes with them. Also financially it wouldn’t work because I earn much more than her so it doesn’t make sense for her to get a job until all the kids are in school. 3.5 years away.

[usagi]

I wonder if even giving her some time away from the kids would help give her that sense of welcome and importance she is looking for with them.  That way she'd still be with them most of the time but then the kids would get a bit of a break, you could go for a hike or make some cookies, and she could come home and get a warm greeting?  Maybe pie in the sky I dunno.

Sounds like a tough situation.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi TP,

I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time not just with your wife, but also with the stress of having a seriously ill father. My dad is elderly and has been struggling with Parkinson's and a host of other issues. He and Mom live nearby (a 20-minute drive) and I have been trying to spend as much time with them as possible and give them as much time with my S2 as they can get (when he's not fighting off the latest bout of whatever crud is circulating through the daycare that week.) Dealing with a pwBPD doesn't make parenthood and taking care of ailing parents any easier, that's for sure.

I am wondering though what are the boundaries you have placed with your wife around physical violence and self-harm? I have seen people say again and again that boundaries are for your safety (and hers) and validation is for bettering the relationship. I am still working on safety, so that is my priority and focus for now. When I feel that my son and I are safe in our home, then I will start to work on bettering my relationship with my wife. To ensure that we stay safe, I have a safety plan for what to do if physical violence or suicide threats/self-harm happens in our house and I have to follow through on that plan 100% of the time until the house and everyone in it is safe. What is your safety plan and have you taken action on it with this incident?

HurtAndTired

[thankful person]

I wonder if even giving her some time away from the kids would help give her that sense of welcome and importance she is looking for with them.  That way she'd still be with them most of the time but then the kids would get a bit of a break, you could go for a hike or make some cookies, and she could come home and get a warm greeting?  Maybe pie in the sky I dunno.

Sounds like a tough situation.

Usagi, I try to steer towards such things but it has to be her choice and idea because otherwise it would never be a positive experience for her. It’s hard to get her to do anything and if I suggested it she would accuse me of wanting her out the way so I could enjoy time on my own with the kids. Unfortunately it’s probably pretty obvious that we’re all more fun and relaxed on the rare occasion she’s not with us.

[thankful person]

Hi TP,

I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time not just with your wife, but also with the stress of having a seriously ill father. My dad is elderly and has been struggling with Parkinson's and a host of other issues. He and Mom live nearby (a 20-minute drive) and I have been trying to spend as much time with them as possible and give them as much time with my S2 as they can get (when he's not fighting off the latest bout of whatever crud is circulating through the daycare that week.) Dealing with a pwBPD doesn't make parenthood and taking care of ailing parents any easier, that's for sure.

I am wondering though what are the boundaries you have placed with your wife around physical violence and self-harm? I have seen people say again and again that boundaries are for your safety (and hers) and validation is for bettering the relationship. I am still working on safety, so that is my priority and focus for now. When I feel that my son and I are safe in our home, then I will start to work on bettering my relationship with my wife. To ensure that we stay safe, I have a safety plan for what to do if physical violence or suicide threats/self-harm happens in our house and I have to follow through on that plan 100% of the time until the house and everyone in it is safe. What is your safety plan and have you taken action on it with this incident?

HurtAndTired

i

Thank you for your thoughts. My Dad also has Parkinson’s, he got it fairly young and has been in decline for over 20 years now. It is a horrible disease. My Mum thought he was going to just voluntarily stop eating and that he was suffering from dementia after his last hospital stay. However my brother visited last weekend and Dad has been eating better and said thank you for coming which sounds like he’s doing much better as he doesn’t talk much.

Anyway, back to dbpdw. Please can you share with me what are your boundaries and plan surrounding physical violence and self harm? Since 2020 my wife has not hit me, but has physically pushed and pulled me a handful of times. I’ve never had boundaries around the self harm. She pretty much had stopped before we got together but she did it a few times after.

I think she’s feeling ashamed and also a bit vulnerable as she’s been accepting comforting cuddles and words of support today which is very unlike her.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi TP,

I'm not going to mince words. I have a zero-tolerance policy for physical violence. Self-harm/suicide has not been as much of a problem for us as my wife has only used threats as a manipulation tool. However, I have to take any of these threats seriously. As such my boundaries are as follows:

-Any physical violence (including a push) will result in me calling the police. I will do this 100% of the time. I have only had to do it once so far and it scared the hell out of her. I spoke to a friend on the police force several weeks before I did it and let him know about my new boundary and asked him what to do to minimize the chances that she would be arrested. He told me to call the non-emergency line before she hits me if possible. I managed to call them while she was throwing things at my head the last time, so she avoided a night in a cell. If she hits or shoves me, she will have to be arrested. However, the local police are aware of her mental health issue and will attempt to de-escalate the situation rather than arrest her if she has not yet struck me.

-Any suicide threats/self-harm will result in me calling the local mental health services crisis line. I will do this 100% of the time.. This would more than likely end with her being put on a mandatory 72-hour observation hold at a mental health facility. I have not had to do this yet. I think that after having the police show up, she knows better than to try to call my bluff. She desperately wants to continue to pass herself off as normal to everyone else and ending up in jail or the psych ward would make that much harder for her to do.

I know that these boundaries may seem harsh, but she once assaulted me by smashing a heavy-framed picture over my head while I was sleeping. The glass shattered everywhere and I could have been killed. I have seen her eyes go black like a shark's eyes when she is fully dysregulated. I have no doubt that she is capable of killing me in this state. She might not intend to and I am sure she would regret it once the rage had passed, but my safety and that of my S2 is at stake here. I cannot and will not play around with this type of danger. This boundary is as much for her safety as it is for mine. It prevents her from doing something that could ruin the rest of her life.

It is the same with the boundary with suicide threats/self-harm. If she knows that 100% of the time they will end up with her being hospitalized, she will stop using them as tools of manipulation. If she is actually ready to hurt herself, then she should be hospitalized for her own safety. There is no downside to this one.

I know that your wife has been hospitalized before, and it is likely that she will need to be again at some point. Perhaps now is the time for her to get more intensive help again. I would always err on the side of caution. If she is self-harming, calling medical services is an act of love for her. If she hits you again, calling the police is an act of self-love and love for your children who should never have to witness such things.

I recently heard a priest say that the commandment to love your neighbor as you love yourself means that you have to give yourself the love you deserve. If you love your neighbor, but allow yourself to be mistreated because you don't love yourself enough you are not following the commandment. God loves you and expects you to give the same amount of love to yourself that you would give to a stranger in need. Be the example that your children need. Show them how to love and respect themselves by loving and respecting yourself.

I will be thinking of you, your children, your father, and your wife. I will be praying for you all. Take care of those you love by taking the best care of yourself.

Best of luck and lots of prayers,

HurtAndTired

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

   Sorry you went from an extreme high to an extreme low in your roller coaster ride with your wife, I've been meaning to reach out to you; however, I have had a family emergency, my FIL had multiple near fatal heart attacks today, and is currently recovering in the ICU.

   I am with H&T, ring emergency services for domestic violence and self-harming (where she needs medical attention) ring 999 (UK) or 112 (EU which should work in the UK) where you live.

   If your wife is thinking of self harm encourage her to text HELP to 85258 or visit https://giveusashout.org/.  Alternatively she can ring 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.

It’s been a bad couple of weeks since my wife got baptised and she is refusing to go back to church because she wants to feel joyful and happy in order to attend. I’ve tried to tell her that church is there to help her feel better but I know it’s none of my business.I was really hoping church would help my wife with gratitude and acceptance and love, but it seems she just thinks Jesus knows how badly I treat her.

The church can be very beneficial; however, if they do not understand the BPD dynamic, it may be too much for the Church - I know when I approached my church, they just referred me to mental health specialists.  They can help with gratitude/acceptance/love for a normal persons perspective, not a mentally ill perspective - please temper your expectations on what the Church can do for her.

Of course today being Valentine’s Day was going to be hard. We had already decided that we would not do cards and gifts as we don’t have any money and cards just get ruined by the kids. My wife has kept on about, “how are we going to celebrate?” We don’t get a babysitter as our little one has never left her and we don’t have family nearby. Eventually she agreed it was hard to think of anything we could do.

I know V-Day was two days ago; however, for future reference, even if it is very little; perhaps, a homemade card by you, and/or something homemade (like 'love' coupons).  Even though she agrees that you should do nothing, anything is better than nothing, as they may feel abandoned if you do nothing. 

We ended up going shopping and she chose some special toys for our girls who were at nursery. She sat them in their car seats ready when she collected them. Then she rang me saying, “put them away, they’re not having them”. D4 had made a heart for me at nursery but not one for my wife and she very clearly said, “it’s for Mama because I love Mama and I didn’t make one for Mummy because I don’t love Mummy.” Very harsh on my wife and she was in tears over it. By the time we got home, D4 was wanting to apologise and say she loved Mummy and wanted to make her a heart tomorrow. We later realised there are photos on Facebook of the children making hearts and quotes about who all the hearts are for. I just wish they had encouraged her to make a heart for both of us as she has two mothers.

Personally, I feel this is primary trigger for your wife, what sent her over the edge was the outright rejection by D4 - your wife's fear of abandonment kicked into full gear on this one.  Your D4 was being honest, but children that age are unaware of the ramification of such feelings.  Even though D4, I am assuming by your persuasion, was going to rectify the issue by making her a heart tomorrow, the damage to your wife's ego by D4 had already been done, and this quite possibly have sent your wife spiraling into despair to the point of cutting and/or becoming physically violent at the object of D4's affection, and that would be you.

I have been writing a song for my Dad. He doesn’t have long left and I was thinking I’ll write a song when he dies to have at his funeral. Then I decided I wanted him to hear the song before he dies. I sent a video of my reading the poem and next week I’m going to visit to play him the song on the piano. It happened that my wife was playing the piano a little this evening and I asked her if she would like to hear the first verse of my song. Terrible suggestion. Because it made it all about me and nothing is ever about her and no one cares about her and the kids hate her. Then I went to sort out the bins and she hit me across the face as I went to change the bin bag, because she wanted my full attention.

I think your idea of writing a song for your Dad and then performing that song for him before he passes is absolutely brilliant and amazing.  It is unfortunate that this further triggered your wife into her BPD episode where she could not understand your compassion and love for your dear dad.  Being hit across the face is unacceptable, and should never be tolerated.  For your situation, give her a verbal warning by stating something along the lines of "Hitting me is domestic violence.  I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from you, nor anyone else.  The next time it happens I will ring 999".  If it happens again, ring 999, and get a police report registered, so if it becomes a pattern, you can use it in the future.

Then I heard her upstairs sobbing, and this is unlike her but then I went up to try and comfort her and she had cut herself with a razor blade. My wife has an extensive history of severe self harm but the last incidence was about 2015 so this is very serious.

If she has gone too deep, she could hit an artery (bright red blood, instead of maroon), this would require immediate medical attention, a call to 999 is warranted in this case.

Encourage her to use alternate, less damaging, strategies, such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist, or drawing blood with a red pen/marker on her wrists.  Unless she has hit an artery (ring 999 straight away), give her one warning, and then ring 999.

I am going to see my parents next week. I couldn’t go last week because D2 had chicken pox and this was life-threatening for her. My wife  is trying to stop me from visiting Dad, saying I could have germs and make him worse but I’m not letting her stop me.

Don't let her stop you from seeing him.  In a worst case scenario, wear a mask. 

My Mum thought he was going to just voluntarily stop eating and that he was suffering from dementia after his last hospital stay. However my brother visited last weekend and Dad has been eating better and said thank you for coming which sounds like he’s doing much better as he doesn’t talk much.

I'm glad your dad is doing somewhat better.  However, don't let this news delay you any further than it already has.

Anyway, back to dbpdw. Please can you share with me what are your boundaries and plan surrounding physical violence and self harm? Since 2020 my wife has not hit me, but has physically pushed and pulled me a handful of times. I’ve never had boundaries around the self harm. She pretty much had stopped before we got together but she did it a few times after.

I have given you my recommendation above for each.  Since it has been since 2020 and 2015, give her one warning (unless it is life threatening) on each, do it today, when she is baseline stable, even though this may trigger her, use SET communication when doing this.  Cooly, and calmly tell her that "this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and for the safety of you, my dear wife, and our lovely children, you will force my hand and I will ring 999 to get our children and/or myself out of harms way".  Hold up your mobile while stating this, so she knows you mean business.

I think she’s feeling ashamed and also a bit vulnerable as she’s been accepting comforting cuddles and words of support today which is very unlike her.

She is likely hurting really bad on the inside to the point where she does not want to be touched, at all.

TP, I know this must be incredibly upsetting especially in light of a recent high, and then it comes crashing down around you like this.

Please stay strong, do some self-care, take your children out to the park and get some fresh air.

Take care, you are in my prayers.

SD

[Notwendy]

Thanks not Wendy and usagi,

I’m not sure why my wife is struggling so much, she’s just fed up with her life.

It seems obvious that maybe she should work and I’d stay home, given how much she wants to get out, earn money, and meet people. It doesn’t make sense for her to get a job until all the kids are in school. 3.5 years away.

TP, you know your wife would not be consistent with a job. It would be financially damaging to even consider her income in your family budget.

The dissatisfaction is her own emotional distress, unfortunately. My BPD mother has a lot that I think most people would be very happy about. It's sad that she isn't able to be content. We've made efforts to help her and continue to do so but we can't control someone else's feelings. It may be that your wife struggles due to her own internal feelings even if she blames something, or someone else for them.

On your part - do what you can to have your own happiness and connections with your kids, and your parents, your work and your piano. Do what you can for your wife but it may not be possible to change her feelings for her.

[thankful person]

HT, SD, NW,

Thank you all for your thoughts and support and prayers. I understand your concerns. I really hope these incidents were one offs and I am going to give her one more chance. I know it may sound silly but she co sleeps with our kids and little one breast feeds through the night, it would really hurt them if my wife was arrested or sectioned, but I do understand it may be necessary.

She is seriously dysregulated about my upcoming trip to parents, calling it a holiday and jealous of my spending time with them.

[SaltyDawg]

She is seriously dysregulated about my upcoming trip to parents, calling it a holiday and jealous of my spending time with them.

Go spend time with your dad & mum.  Your time is limited with him.  Only yesterday, with my FIL in hospital (ICU) he coded out several times while waiting for a procedure on Monday and you realize how fragile life really is.

Perhaps invite her to go with you, so she can see that it is not a holiday, even if that means getting a hotel room or a night or two.

SD

[Notwendy]

Sometimes the « reason » isn’t the reason but a feeling for them. Could it be that she’s anxious about being alone with the kids or thinks your parents will talk about their concerns about her? She knows it’s not a holiday.

[thankful person]

SD, and NW,
You are both right, I’m definitely going. My wife is insisting I go to bed early and text her when I’m away, and whilst I haven’t said I will, I understand she is going to be angry and upset with me no matter what I do. She doesn’t want to come or bring the kids. But she thinks I want to get away from the kids, which is hilarious because I adore them, though I do feel it will be good for me to have a few days away from her.

[SaltyDawg]

SD, and NW,
You are both right, I’m definitely going. My wife is insisting I go to bed early and text her when I’m away, and whilst I haven’t said I will, I understand she is going to be angry and upset with me no matter what I do. She doesn’t want to come or bring the kids. But she thinks I want to get away from the kids, which is hilarious because I adore them, though I do feel it will be good for me to have a few days away from her.

Two comments. 

When you do text your wife, keep it BIFF with a reminder that you will be back home on ???day at xx:xx time, and that you miss being home with your family.  Limit your texts, indicating that you are 'exhausted' as you don't want to be caught up in a circular argument.  Once my wife starts to circle, once or twice, I will indicate 'we are going around in circles, I would like to take a break from this conversation, when can resume tomorrow morning when you want to when we are both rested'. 

Do make a small effort to talk to your children while you are away; however, if your wife is using them as emotional pawns to get attention, don't force the issue as you will be back soon enough.

If she is blowing up your phone, put her on the DnD list and put your phone in DnD (do not disturb).

I agree it will be good to get away from your wife for a few days, as it sounds like her current drama is quite overwhelming to you.

Use your emotional tools to deal with any drama that your wife my introduce.

I am curious if your wife has had any more cutting episodes and/or physical violence?

Take care.

SD

[Notwendy]

SD, and NW,
I do feel it will be good for me to have a few days away from her.

That's probably what she's afraid of.

[thankful person]

I am curious if your wife has had any more cutting episodes and/or physical violence?

No she has not. She made a comment about how I hadn’t kissed her cut, which I brushed off because I’ve been down that path before and I think it just makes things worse.

[zondolit]

But she thinks I want to get away from the kids, which is hilarious because I adore them, though I do feel it will be good for me to have a few days away from her.

Speaking from experience, it is possible to both adore your children AND want time away from them. Same with a wife/husband/partner.

I hope your time with your parents is good despite the hard circumstances.

[thankful person]

Speaking from experience, it is possible to both adore your children AND want time away from them. Same with a wife/husband/partner.

I hope your time with your parents is good despite the hard circumstances.

Thank you Zondolit. Absolutely, what I meant was, I work lots and would love to have more time with my kids! She was projecting her own feelings about yearning to get away even though she adores them and craves feeling needed. That’s why she has never left them with anyone else until they’re at least 18 months old.

[SaltyDawg]

Quote from: SaltyDawg on 2024-02-19, 06:12:38
I am curious if your wife has had any more cutting episodes and/or physical violence?

No she has not. She made a comment about how I hadn’t kissed her cut, which I brushed off because I’ve been down that path before and I think it just makes things worse.

I see that you are learning what appeasing her does.  Keep up the good work on maintaining your boundaries as you know your wife the best.

Take care.