Xmas Day and the gifts

[Lollypop]

 

Xmas day is looming. Son28 is much better on Xmas day but we’ve had a few terrible ones so my heart goes out to you if this  is your experience.

The buildup to Xmas caused him stress in the past - especially if he had limited money (most years actually because he spent every penny on drugs). This year he has money but his outgoings are high and he’s desperate for some replacement expensive work equipment and clothes. I know he’s anxious about that need and has dropped some heavy hints that I’ve let go. Then there’s his buying of gifts that he will leave to the last minute to buy and he’ll face congested car parks and busy  shops that he hates. The stress of choosing the right gift, as he wants to get good ones for each of us. .

This year we’ve chosen to ignore his hints and decided on a replacement iPhone. We leave him to work out his problems about essential work stuff and his gift buying. I don’t think we’ve never not received a gift at Xmas (unlike birthdays or Mother’s Day that I’ve found hurtful).

The whole Xmas build up and then to the day itself is a trial. Of course, I can predict the spiral down in his mood until he gets back to work,

For me, I’m going to try and enjoy it like it’s my last.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

I’m glad to hear that your son is much better these days on Christmas Day, I know just how stressful just that one day can be.

I can understand why you would always get a Christmas gift but not necessarily a birthday or Mother’s Day gift, my son was the same. Christmas gifts, I think, are not as easy to ignore as gifts for other occasions. My son has travelled a lot and was more often than not absent for any family occasion that included gift giving.

I remember, quite a few years ago, my daughters asked me why he hardly ever bought presents for birthdays etc, so I decided to ask him. He said it was because he never knew what to buy. I told him it didn’t matter what he bought, it was the thought that counts and he seemed really surprised by that concept. It didn’t make any difference though, he still didn’t buy gifts.

What hurt me most about his non gifting behaviour was when I found out that he had no problem buying gifts for other people who were not family. He was totally oblivious of how hurtful that could be to me, and I guess your son most likely is unaware too that you find it hurtful.

For me, I’m going to try and enjoy it like it’s my last.

That’s the spirit! Oh, talking of spirit, you may need a bit of the strong stuff   
I hope you can enjoy without having to try too hard 

[Lollypop]

when I found out that he had no problem buying gifts for other people who were not family.

Snap!

Once son bought a present for us all, then proceeded to give his dads xmas gift to his girlfriends dad. This was st a time when my poor husband would often cry through the night as he was so desperately sad and worried about son’s behaviours. I went ballistic.

No matter how much we know about BPD, how we have no expectations, there’s still those pangs of hurt. We are not super beings!

I prefer to be calm these days!

[Starmom]

The past three years have been a roller coaster. My daughter was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder this month. Everything is always so volatile. My 19 year old son has refused to spend Christmas at my house if his sister is here so, I’m just canceling Christmas. I’m so sad and heartbroken.

[Lollypop]

Hi starmom

I’m sorry to hear you’re not having a xmas and it sounds like your son has reached his limit. You must be feeling so overwhelmed with it all, and I’d be feeling sad and heartbroken too. Diagnosis brings acknowledgment and a name to the problems. For us, it took some time for it to sink in despite us knowing for years that there was something wrong. 

My son was very scared and felt hopeless - how’s your daughter?

I’m glad you found us 

LP