Ex is back in town and I am scared, ideas?

[Hisaccount]

If you don't know, my ex is still staying in the house when it suits her. She has a legal right and I have no idea where or when she will show up. Which of course is absolutely killing me. I don't know how to act, be nice, if I try to be cold she sucks me back in and I end up being nice again.

I thought I had plans to get away and hide from her a little longer but now it sounds like I have to babysit grandkids so I will be stuck in the house with her.

I don't want to see her, I am just barely hanging on here.

Even worse I texted her to warn her about the grandkids and she started being really nice.

I am so torn up right now I cannot function. I could take this time to try and rekindle things but we all know how stupid that is, so how do I survive it?

You know what's worse, I go back and forth everyday about buying her a Christmas present. Same battles, which way do I go?

This is not fair.

[Mutt]

Hi Hisaccount,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I recall my ex said she wanted a divorce in the fall and she was moving out in the new year and it was really tough that holiday knowing that she's moving out with the kids and she was going out and sleeping with her boyfriend. It was tense. Are you spending the holidays together?

I don't want to see her, I am just barely hanging on here.

Do you work out? Can you go to a gym every day? Can you visit family and friends? What do you like to do?

[Julia S]

I'm terrified of bumping into someone I was barely involved with, so I can't imagine how you feel.

Is there any way you could look after the kids in their own house? Even move in there for the duration? Alternatively, could you have a friend come and stay?

[Hisaccount]

I am working on staying with the kids at their apartment, but I have dogs at home so running home with the kids to take care of the dogs just in case sucks.

Sitting here I think my biggest fear is me breaking down, begging her to try and work it out with me again. Then only to get not only rejected but verbally beaten down and abused again.

I don't get how they can completely shut their emotions off and she can be so warm and bubbly when she knows what she is doing to me. Or maybe she refuses to acknowledge what she is doing to me.
It hurts so much knowing we are getting a divorce and she is so happy about it.

[Julia S]

OK, can someone else have the dogs for a few weeks? Or could you put them in kennels? Or employ a pet minder to call at the house and feed and walk them - having suitably warned them?

[Hisaccount]

OK, can someone else have the dogs for a few weeks? Or could you put them in kennels? Or employ a pet minder to call at the house and feed and walk them - having suitably warned them?

You are awesome, thank you.
No the dogs, well one of them cannot handle being kenneled and he doesn't like people.
Can't afford a pet sitter.
Again no friends.

I think I am going to try and stay with the kids and just have to force myself to drive by the house, if the ex is there I will have to assume the dogs are taken care of.
That is probably the best I can do.

I was doing so well and every minute closer to her plane landing I get worse and worse.

This life sucks, Nobody should ever have to go through this.

[Julia S]

Hahahaha! Wish a Mr Right with no personality disorder and enough money to look after me in modest fashion thought I was awesome.

No, seriously. Is there anyone who could be on call on a mobile who could talk you through it if you have to encounter her? Maybe someone in this group who lives your side of the pond might volunteer? It's always good to feel you're not alone.

[Hisaccount]

I am still working on friendships.

I think most of us realize that we have so much inside and it is too much to dump on one person. Nobody wants that.

I need to suck it up. Stop being a big baby.

You have to keep in mind if I call someone while she is around that will be just as bad as breaking down and begging her to stay, only in front of the grand kids this time.
So for me avoidance is the best solution.

[Julia S]

You don't call someone, you have a code that you contact them on speed dial and they call you. While I think it would be a mistake to modify your behaviour to stay in a relationship, there's a good case for organising things in your favour to get through brief times you'd rather avoid.

[Mutt]

You have to keep in mind if I call someone while she is around that will be just as bad as breaking down

I agree with Julia S, I don't think that it's about breaking down, it's about walking on eggshells around her, she said that she wanted to divorce you? I'd treat it like a business transaction, she doesn't need to be informed about who you're talking to or why you're on a call, I think that you have to have gone through this experience to be able to empathize with someone, it helps to talk to someone that can relate. You can always post here, we're here 24/7/365.

[Waddams]

In some jurisdictions, there is legal precedent that allows you to change locks and what not and not let her in if she has abandoned living there, in some situations.  If she's not living there, her possessions aren't there, etc. - and most jurisdicitons have abandoned property laws that state if she leaves the stuff and won't get it within some time frame, then it's considered abandoned and becomes the property of the current resident - she really might not have the rights you think she does.

And in any case, it's a civil issue.  You could change the locks, tell her she can't stay there, and then it's on her pursue recourse if she so chooses.  Given the circumstances, the cops wouldn't be able to do anything one way or another without an order from a judge.  At least that's how it works where I am.

I'd suggest you talk to a landlord/tenant law attorney, a real estate attorney, etc., and maybe even the local police.  You have a right to have your home be safe and peaceful, and you have the right to protect your home from this kind of instability and stress.  It should be a safe haven, don't be afraid to take steps to protect that!