Confused

[Grapler]

Hi all,

Long time sufferer, first time poster (pun on radio call-ins)... not ashamed to say... I NEED HELP!

Not sure that this is the right forum to post, as there wasn't a category for "wth do I do next"...reading "Stop walking on eggshells", only on chapter 3, but figured jump on here and utilize both together.. I could probably write a book myself for all thats happened in the past 1yr. 4mths,but will try to stick to the issues at hand:

I am an established, mature divorced man (2007) with 3 adult children (26,23,22) that i was extremely involved with raising (ie sport coach, class parent etc etc). Im not going to claim to be perfect, nor have I handled dealing with GFs episodes the best way sometimes as I am still learning about this stuff, but I can honestly say I've gone above and beyond to provide my "50% of the relationship".

Me and my GF met late May 2020 and althouhh she claimed she couldn't get pregnant..oops...she got pregnant 2 weeks into the relationship (damn covid lockdown...). GF claimed to be a strong, committed woman who wanted a child her whole life but never worked out. So, we decided to move her into my house and make a run at it...she let me know she was previously diagnosed with bipolar, but was in therapy for it for 3+years and doing well...or so she said...and then it all began...
The constant instability should have been clear right away, but hindsight is always 20/20. Twice last summer she locked herself in the bathroom with a knife threatening to kill herself. Never having to deal with that in my life (I know better now), I called her father, who seemed the only one to "talk her down" when she had episodes. She threw a knife at me once, claiming she was just "throwing it on the counter". Ive been locked out of my own house at least 4 times, then if I leave to get a break from the verbal assaults... its 50+texts, 25+ calls (which i ignore) from hateful to begging me to come home.
Our daughter was born in February 2021, 1month early (GF had high BP, so Dr's recommended early c-section)and she had a rough start. She had 2 holes in her lungs and was in NICU for first 2 weeks. Thankfully all worked out and baby is perfectly fine now, but this, of course, was all MY fault... because of my "abuse" to my GF and constant attempts "to set her off" causing our baby to be born early and need the NICU. I asked to speak with her bipolar counselor at this point and it became apparent the counselor was useless when her reply to the above was "Well, you(me) need to understand GF more and that she wasn't wrong for saying that its all my fault"(Not sure how this quack got any license to ever say something so venomous was OK, but thats a whole 'nother convo). Numerous times after the baby was born and home, GF would flip out, call the cops on some made up garbage, pack a car and leave with the baby to her parents house, which is in another county. I demanded couples counselling if we were to continue, which we began in April '21. GF also finally took my advice and sought new bipolar counselor, who actually (re)diagnosed her with BPD and put her back on meds. Sadly, GFs commitment to couples counselling and this new diagnosis seemed lackluster to say the least and used it more as a sounding board for all the negatives against me while refusing to acknowledge that she continually broke her commitments during previous sessions for one reason or another. GF also wasn't consistent with her meds and took no action to attend the recommended DBT treatment by the new psychiatrist.
It should be noted that I've been the primary caregiver for our baby since birth. Between the c-section, meds which made her sleep all day, tendinitis in her arm and surgery in June, she was unable to care for the baby most of the time. I dont mind, as ive raised 3 kids already, but it will become apparent why this is important below. It should also be noted that her "claims" about having a baby being the most important thing in her life are so undermined by her actions. I knew she didn't have a clue about babies and did all I could to help her. I bought her the "what to expect when expecting", which she was always 1-2mths behind on... I tried showing her how to take care of a baby, yet only would feed or lay her down to sleep.
It should also be noted that I have a security system in my house, cameras in common areas pointed towards entryways, which pick up a lot of the rooms also. In nearly all her episodes, GF would disable the cameras, which to me made it clear that she "knew" and "intentionally" would create these issues.
And now the crux... late July, GF had an episode, had cops called and left with baby again. Next day I get served with a temp stay away OP making me leave the house. I began getting calls from my family, which GF apparently was calling EVERYONE in my life and bad mouthing me to (including my 3 adult kids!), which also spread to GF making targeted posts on FB, and I can't even imagine what horrible things she says to her family/friends...Of course, I hired a lawyer to fight it and had it dropped to a refrain from and got visits with baby everyday at my house pending a hearing and filed my own OP and custody paperwork based on her instability. Now that she could speak to me, I began getting call/texts all day/night long...4am calls begging me to come home (against court agreement). I refused and on the 6th day after the initial court date, GF up and left during my visit with baby. I then began getting texts that she wasn't coming back and was going to harm herself. I called the cops, who found her after 1.5hrs (she turned off her locator service so I had to keep texting/calling her so they could get approx tower location). They took her for psych eval at hospital and lo and behold... she tested positive for cocaine.  Now, I am extremely anti-drug, so was floored when she "wanted to come clean to me" (read as CPS case now against her and HAD to admit it) and said she was using since April '21, although claims it was "only twice". It should also be noted that despite her working, she claims to be broke from previous medical bills, so never contributed to the house bills etc, so finding out she had money for cocaine as well as the constant disappearing obviously has me questioning so much more to the story. Needless to say, I filed an emergency order with court and had my restrictions lifted, temp custody and put restrictions on her, but she is still at my house. The court, CPS all strongly suggested she get inpatient treatment, but GF refused because she "cant be away from the baby" and is going to 5day a week outpatient program now. Counselor at outpatient even suggested GF do inpatient and GF again refused. GF lies and claims insurance denied her inpatient, that the outpatient said what she is doing is fine and she is doing all she can.
There is a ton more to this story, but since the suicide threat, I've refused to discuss anything about "US", and only focus on assuring household stability for the baby with these pending CPS and family court actions pending. I really don't know if GF understands the damage she has done nor what it will take to rebuild the trust she has broken with all her lies and negative actions... she keeps looking for reinforcement from me that she is a good mother, and I have to bite my tongue that a "good mother" isn't on coke while taking care of an infant... that a "good person" doesn't disappear for hours on end all the time and lie to their "partner"... a"good person" doesn't go on a mission to personally destroy the character of your partner,father of your child to, literally anyone, everyone and the FB world. I mean, between the lies and nastiness, she has undermined everything she claimed she was, so how can I have any clue whether there is or could even be an "us"? She keeps asking for affirmation that I love her, but how can I honestly say I do when I feel like I dont know her at all?
So the "us" part has been shelved. I have been supportive with her treatment and in touch with her therapists(who recommended the book above that im reading), as I know regardless of what happens with "us", our baby needs a healthy and positive mother. So, now a few Qs that maybe someone can help with:

1. Is speaking loud/cutting people off/having to "one up" others in conversations part of, or common with BPD? GF is always on volume 8 of 10, even right in the babys ear...and I constantly need to tell her to speak quieter. Sometimes it seems like she yells so I (or whoever else may be around) hears her more than she is actually speaking TO the baby...

2. Is public forums, FB in specific, a good thing for GFs recovery? GF has over 600 "friends" and it seems to me that she uses it to get reinforcing "validation" on the targeted posts she makes, which builds her "self esteem"towards the negativity then directed at me. I know the people posting replies to her have no clue what is actually going on and innocently are trying to help her, but the reality is that its more destructive than actually helpful.

3. Is it common with BPD that when GF asks something of me (say chore around the house), I must immediately stop what I'm doing and do as asked or face a blowup...meanwhile anything I ask her to do is put off days, weeks or even months sometimes, again to only face a blow up IF I mention that it hasn't been done yet?

I know there is more questions i will have, and I thank any replies I get.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grapler]

To mod: sorry, just signed up and didn't have the conflicted category in the make your first post page... please move this thread there

My apologies to all

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! That’s a lot for such a short period of time.  

What is your preferred outcome for this situation?

To answer your questions, loud talking doesn’t seem to be a common pattern. Insecurity is, however. Cutting off people and one-upping could be indicative of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Often people with BPD are comorbid with NPD or other personality disorders.

Social media is a disaster for people with mental health issues, IMO. It reinforces some of their worst patterns.

And yes, there often seems to be no sense of *fairness* in BPDland. There are countless stories here of hypocrisy.

[Grapler]

Thanks for the reply,

Well, that was part of why I'm reading and joined here... not to get an answer, but to get the information to make the best decision...

A child does best with 2 healthy, married parents working together to raise them... and I know "you can only lead a horse to water" and that GFs therapy depends on her not me..Obviously, the best case scenario is GF getting better enough for the relationship to recover, but at this point she is still in denial of all the damage she has caused, nevermind be willing/able to begin addressing it... so there are too many "unknowns" at this point to really answer... but I can answer this: I will do what I need to assure the most stable, safe and productive environment for my child to grow in...that is my biggest focus...

[Cat Familiar]

“2 healthy, married parents working together”  Do you envision this as a possibility?

Is GF motivated to “get better”? Does she even see there is a need for her to *get better*?

You’ve known her less than two years. Are you acquainted with her family? With her friends?

What has she told you about her previous mental health issues?

What has she said about her use of cocaine?

[Grapler]

Hope I do this right...

“2 healthy, married parents working together”  Do you envision this as a possibility?

I believe anything short of murder can be fixed, so yes...I see it as possible...whether it will happen or not is another story...

Is GF motivated to “get better”? Does she even see there is a need for her to *get better*?

This is tough, because obviously I can't see in her head...but she has broken down to me numerous times saying she needs help...even with these court/CPS cases going on, she admitted she needs inpatient help, as outpatient hasn't worked for years...its "not enough" as she said...but then the next day its "the psychiatrist says i don't qualify for inpatient"... or "my insurance won't cover inpatient"... meanwhile when I spoke to the psychiatrist, she said she recommended inpatient and my GF refused saying she can't not be around the baby...

You’ve known her less than two years. Are you acquainted with her family? With her friends?

I've met her parents, but she keeps her friends away from me and I've found out she always bad mouths me to them and "they don't want to be your friend" (per GF)... which is ironic, because my GF has added EVERY ONE of my friends and family to her FB and texts them all the time. She uses them when she gets upset and then comes back to me with "X, Y and Z see what an abusive person you are to me also, so its not my imagination" type comments

What has she told you about her previous mental health issues?

Only that she threatened to commit suicide like 3-4years ago after a bad breakup... went to counseling and they diagnosed her with bipolar and has been in treatment since. I've tried giving her privacy and not prying into her therapy, but always offered to be there if she wanted to talk...which she never did. Since the baby, she was rediagnosed with BPD in April, put on 2 meds and suggested to attend DBT therapy, which she only just began month after the court cases started.

What has she said about her use of cocaine?

Absolutely nothing. I NEVER knew she even used it before finding out after the suicide threat... I have no idea when she did it, how many times, where she got it, how she paid for it(or paid in "other ways" to support the habit), which of her "friends" know or use(d) with her... hell, I dont even know if she owes someone money and worry that they will come by the house to collect...and she won't discuss it the few times I brought it up. I get the "it was only a few times and you should know me better than that"... well obviously didnt... and I dont mean that to be callous nor paranoid about my concerns, I NEVER thought I would have to worry about ANY drugs around my infant, nevermind her mother using around her behind my back...Even though she is at the house still, she only has supervised visits with the baby right now (ie. Me), so won't be alone with the baby, so I've put this discussion off until the later.

[Cat Familiar]

How can you see CPS and courts requiring inpatient care? You have some leverage as she’s in your house.

[Grapler]

I cant see the reports, it was said at court...the judge gave a 2 week date saying he hoped she wouldn't be available and her attorney would only be present with admission paperwork...meanwhile, her attorney at last date (attorneys only conference) stated that she was entering a 3 week inpatient program, which was untrue...so waiting until next date to address his mixup and see what reaction CPS and judge have to that info.

Ironically, her being in the house restricts me MORE than her not being here...and more on eggshells... GF still has the initial  pending petition against me of false allegations, so can make up more or even a false violation of the refrain from...so aside from dealing with her BPD issues, I need to be VERY careful...I can't give any legal, career, mental health etc advice because could be construed as manipulation/coercion... thus why I had an agreement signed that the cameras must stay on now... diminishes chances of further false charges...

Oh what a world...*sigh*

[Cat Familiar]

When is the next court date? How are you going to address the *mixup*?

[babyducks]

Welcome Grapler,

Welcome to the BPDFamily.   I am sorry that your family is experiencing such a high amount of conflict.    what you describe sounds horribly horribly difficult.

I've been reading along with you and Cat and thought I would put my two cents in around your three questions:

1. Is speaking loud/cutting people off/having to "one up" others in conversations part of, or common with BPD?

2. Is public forums, FB in specific, a good thing for GFs recovery?

3. Is it common with BPD that when GF asks something of me (say chore around the house), I must immediately stop what I'm doing and do as asked or face a blowup...

pwBPD (people with BPD)  process life and emotions differently than you or I might in the same situation.    pwBPD live with an instable sense of self, and harmfully intense emotions that swing rapidly.    To make sense of the instability that exists in their world  they often seek out extremely validating environments - social media that supports any world view.      and often they will push back against anything that is perceived as invalidating.

For example when you don't stop and do what your GF asks - she perceives that as invalidating.   She feels that what she wants doesn't matter.     and for a person with BPD that tends to become - if what I want doesn't matter - than I don't matter - and if I don't matter than I don't exist.    that's not a conscious deliberate thought for a pwBPD, more like a deeply engrained pattern of viewing and processing life.   

to be fair most people look for external validation and react poorly to invalidation.   we certainly do it too.     all people do better in highly validating environments and respond poorly to high conflict environments.    people with serious mental illness, like your GF will dysregulate more and more intensely in stressful, conflict laden situations which is what you have been describing.

for pwBPD it is often said that feelings equal facts.    once when I got a new pair of glasses - my prescription wasn't quite right and I was squinting and frowning a bit trying to see through my new glasses.   my then Partner now Ex felt that I was giving her a dirty look, felt that I was giving her "funny" looks and that I was mad or upset or making fun of her.    I wasn't doing any of those things but that is how it felt to her so she got quite upset with me.    when I mentioned it was the new glasses not working I invalidated her position and she became more upset.     pwBPD live with a tremendous amount of emotional insecurity as their emotions swing driven by their intense sensitivity.

'ducks

[Grapler]

When is the next court date? How are you going to address the *mixup*?

Oct 18 is the next status date... not quite sure what will go on, again that depends on the position of CPS, the judge and the babys attorney (law guardian). From the things she has said and my observations, I believe (and GF has admitted) inpatient would be best for her, as she needs the 100% focus. For example, during the week last week, whenever she would start splitting, she listened when I recommended using her techniques from therapy, ie. the grounding techniques etc. that I discussed with her therapist. However, as the weekend progressed, she lost focus and the lessons became less and less utilized/effective and the better part of this weekend was cycle after cycle.

[Grapler]

Babyducks,

Thank you for your time, reply and sharing of your experience. What you said is right in line with what I'm reading, and it reminds me of a book (albeit geometry related not mental health) "Flatland" I read years ago. The similarity between the 2 comes where beings that live in different dimensions (2D vs 3D) have trouble even conceiving anything but their own environment... ie say a 2 dimensional being living on a table only knows the space ON the table and has an extremely hard time grasping there being an "above" or "below" the table... that doesn't mean it doesn't exist (or are right or wrong), just that how one someone's perceptions guide their beliefs. And thus the further apart people are in their perceptions, the more difficult it is to "put yourself in someone else's shoes" to see what they see.

As far as seeking out the extremely validating environment you mentioned in regards to social media... that is EXACTLY the situation why GF "liked" the first therpist she was seeing for 3-4years prior and first 8 months of us together. All that therpist did was telling her what a "good person" she was, that she wasn't doing wrong and the world needed to "understand her better"... NO accountability for anything GF did nevermind reparation for any damage done... which is just soo unrealistic to the world we live in...

[babyducks]

hey Grapler -

I remember Flatland.   That was an odd book.

As far as seeking out the extremely validating environment you mentioned in regards to social media... that is EXACTLY the situation why GF "liked" the first therpist she was seeing for 3-4years prior and first 8 months of us together. All that therpist did was telling her what a "good person" she was, that she wasn't doing wrong and the world needed to "understand her better"... NO accountability for anything GF did nevermind reparation for any damage done... which is just soo unrealistic to the world we live in...

Not all therapists are 'good' therapists.    Some are just not a good fit for the patient they are seeing.    Some don't have the skills to work with certain patients.    Some miss the signs of serious mental illness.     Still I have to say that it is very hard to coach or counsel a pwBPD into accepting accountability or accepting responsibility .

This is from Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:    pwBPD see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.    and they believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.    those are some of the classic hallmark symptoms of the disorder.   

because BPD is a disorder of shame and blame... accepting ownership of their own behavior is very hard  for the pwBPD to do and hold onto.    blame shifting is self protective,   if the therapist had caught on to the personality disorder she/he may have been trying to reinforce the fragile sense of self before attempting to work on responsibility issues.    maybe.   

'ducks