Pregnant BPD partner has come off meds and broke up with me for no reason

[RICH1978]

Hello everyone i am new here, first time on any forum actually. My life is at it's most depressing right now and i need some advice. I met THE  most perfect, lovely, gorgeous woman and we hit it off immediately, dated for 6/7 weeks and must say i fell in love with her almost straight away which is a first for me. I'm 43. We found out she is pregnant and both agreed we wanted to keep it and move on to become a family. Then she tells me she had BPD and will need to come off her meds. She assured me it's nothing to worry about she'd just feel low for a couple of weeks.

We are now 4 weeks later and she basically changed completely over 3 days then broke up with me for no reason. Since then i get one word answers or nasty responses to simple questions. If i try to discuss ANYTHING of any importance she accuses me of pressuring her. She's broken my heart by being SO cold towards me after we were such an affectionate couple. There was no drinking, no drugs, no arguments, absolutely nothing negative at all about our relationship and people could see that for once, we both found someone that we loved. So to be dumped and treated like this is too much for me to cope with. I am averaging 3 hours sleep as she is all i can think about. Not once has she asked me a single thing about how i am or what i'm up to.

I have read a lot about BPD but it's all new to me. She is still waiting to be put on the correct safe meds (4 weeks!) so currently is not coping well but refuses to let me even see her let alone help in any way. I get that she is struggling but so am i, what hurts is the nastiness in her comments, it's as if she is enjoying messing with my emotions which really is completely different to how she was. Any help from anyone that recognises this behaviour would be helpful as i'm reaching breaking point and feel extremely depressed and unwell.

thanks

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[ChanelMadam]

hey. im a newbie too. bpd male partner. gets worse off meds. splits at the slightest trigger and getting harder to come back from. we knew each other for 6yrs and i saw him having many relationships that only lasted a little over a year (usually this is the bpd relationship cycle) he never knew he had it until i stumbled across a bpd link on our nz version of ebay! so it was pure fate! he accepted this but seems to have gotten worse as out connection has always been a very deep and strong one. been together nearly 18mnths and both hanging by a thread! we do fall for them as much as they do us...my advice is to read read read. there is so much information out there! so she can take meds at some stage in her pregnancy? did u feel her connection with u was real? did she ever talk about past relationships with u? i read on here not to push them when they shut down, but little contact from her can be promising. i feel for u, its as hard staying as it is to let go. they need to seek meds and mindfulness for themselves. we are left prretty helpless if we are a trigger. i hope i havnt overstepped here. just look after yourself first and foremost. small steps, keep busy, set small goals for u and just let her know u are still there but respecting her space too. it will get easier for u once the hard part is done.

[RICH1978]

hi thanks for your input. Yes i did feel our connection was 100% real. She has told me about her previous relationships and all were disfunctional, but due to being with abusive or alcohol dependant partners. I myself have come from a long term relationship that just grew into a friendship but ended amicably. I do know that BPD sufferrers are renowned for pushing people away BEFORE they get the chance to cause them any pain, like a defense mechanism. I hope that's not what is going on as i do believe we could be very happy, she will make a great mum and great wife if she stays on her meds which she always has so it's not like she's in any denial about that. I just don't understand why she has to be so vicious to me when she knows i have done nothing to warrant it. I don't want to leave her but also i am not prepared to be her punch bag whenever she gets in a mood.

[RICH1978]

well i just had the most conversation out of her in a month and surprise surprise we're over. I'm heartbroken but can see no way through her constant barrier. Tried to reason and rationalise about the fact that we were happy right up until her med withdrawals and the fact that we both agreed to be parents and stick together through thick and thin, but no yet again i'm the evil one. Then she admitted she doesn't want us to pull through. BUT, maybe her feelings will change when she's back on the meds. Sorry but she's abusive. If i was alcohol dependant and knocked her about every now and then because of my 'condition' or 'illness' then nobody would give me the time of day and rightly so. But BPD gives her a god given right to be mentally abusive to people? No, sorry not with me. Now she's bringing up a baby with no support whatsoever from me. I feel like she only used me as a sperm donor anyway. First time i let my guard down and got seriously involved with someone and this happens. I feel like a complete mug.

[NonnyMouse]

Rich, welcome to the family. This is an awful time you are going through. But you'll get lots of advice on this forum. Any moment now one of the 'old hands' will come in and give some proper advice, e.g. about learning the 'tools of the trade.'

I just want to say, Don't Panic. Interacting with a pwBPD is different, to put it mildly. But you will learn. For the immediate future I would recommend not talking about feelings, the relationship, the future, with her. Being logical and rational will feel threatening to her. Yes, I'm sure you'd like to say that the two of you have agreed on x, y and z, but pwBPD are not great at remembering facts. To her feelings beget facts, not the other way around.

If you can just stabilize things using the tools explained here (no JADEing and Medium Chill, for example) until she goes back on meds then I think you have every hope.

I'm curious also, what are the meds she was on, and going to be on?

Remember, Don't Panic, and don't assume that words will do anything other than make things worse!

[RICH1978]

Hi, sorry for late reply. Things have progressed. So i have had no contact with her since my last post. I met some friends at the weekend and had to vent a little about my situation as gthey could tell something was seriously wrong with me. I explained but as you would expect they didn't understand anything BPD related which is what i expected. One guy was like if i was you i'd be checking all the hook up and dating sites tomorrow to see if she's on there. If she's not then she's probably as stressed as you but if she is then at least you know you got set up as a sperm donor. I was like no way she's not that type of girl, she's really going through it, etc, etc, defending her as i don't want anyone thinking bad of her. But on Sunday i signed up to Badoo, i start a 5 mile search and there on page 2 is the girl i love that i have been defending. It show's she is online now and a premium member meaning she pays for all the perks and features. I've never felt that immediate nausea and shock before, there's 3 pics of her looking lovely, and it says she's looking to date. Exactly as i found her on Match originally. I kept an eye on her profile and she logs in every few hours. Eventually i sent a message, just saying FANCY SEEING YOU HERE. She read it and blocked me but i can still see that see's online everyday every few hours. It's clear to me now that all the while i was stressing myself into ill health and depression she's been sat at home flirting with men and most probably meeting them for casual sex. We've had no contact since, she now knows that i've caught her out. She was just a predator looking for a baby, she was such a brilliant actress for a few weeks, lovely, affectionate and the most positive person to ever enter my life. But it was all an act. She was off meds for 4 weeks but started again on sunday on sertraline. God only knows what her long term agenda is but she's going to be a terrible mother. I don't think she realises she has just ruined her own life.

[NonnyMouse]

My uBPDw went on Sertraline as soon as she had given birth. After a few years she stopped taking it. And then a year after that the frequent threats of divorce suddenly got serious, and she contacted lawyers.

[RICH1978]

From reading up on this condition i can see i've had a lucky escape. She can take her donor baby and go do whatever. I'm not even sure if it's even mine now anyway. If she was really that person i had those great weeks with then i'd stand by her, at least for as long as i possibly could but she isn't. I pity all the poor blokes she will infect in the future, and pity anyone foolish enough to fall in love with her like i did, she will just be a problem for the rest of her life. Poor kid is going to have a terrible life as well. I'm gonna go find me someone honest and loyal and put this sorry mess behind me.