What does this mean?

[Climbmountains91]

This is the convo me and BPD ex had last night. Basically were taking things slow at the moment, seeing where things go, whatever that means in a BPD brain (?)

BPD - Since I said that stuff to you in ... .you've been incredibly patient (this is when he got me back into a recycle after a detachment period where he treated me like garbage and realised for a month at that point he had feelings for me and ive decided to fall for it again like an idiot. Check past posts for history on it all if you want).

Me - how do you mean? 

Bpd - like you know when you said about my BPD like I've understood it. There's been certain times over a long period I've felt like I've had feelings for someone else BUT I don't give a ___ cause I know because after time I want the ___ers to piss off and my thoughts always come back to you but I've got my problems do you know understand where I'm getting at. Like I've realised that about myself. And I've realised that our daughter ent gonna get no step mum no crap like that. Like sometimes in the past I've thought maybe your not the one for me but you know over time it's ... .

(Then changed the subject to putting Nivarna on)

Bpd - I've realised that ... .I'm gonna go to this BPD group my cpn help me fill it in. I look at you and I see greatness there's no reason why I wouldn't wanna be with you, you know. Of course I'm a slow ___er aren't I. I'm sorry. I've dragged your ass through crap haven't I

The way that I feel is I'm destined to be alone or with you like your terrified your sick of waiting then your terrified I'm gonna hook up with some other chick. No way

Me - what do you want out of a relationship eventually? What would be your perfect relationship?

Bpd -  to never have sex again but to make love and to be infatuated and not to feel the way I do.

Me - What else does a relationship mean to you?

Bpd - to want that person 24/7.

Me - well don't you think if you don't want me 24/7 that... .(Interrupted)

Bpd - well everyone wants alone time like I know it's not right for me to suddenly wanna be on my own all the time. It's not right. I've always overlooked that problem I've got BPD I've always looked into my depression. I just wanna be on my own then when I'm on my own I don't wanna be how ___ed up is that.

Me - Don't you look at your friends, there all in relationships wouldn't you like that?

Bpd - oh yeah. If it was a while ago and you wasn't mentally ill and I wasn't we'd probably be married by now. That's what it would be. We'd be living together and everything.

Today i questioned him about these feelings for other people he said "It was one and all I can say is I dnt talk to her and I dnt wonna give names what u been doin today anyways".

Urghhhhh!

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