I officially don't know what I'm doing...

[Sandb2015]

 

On again off again, I'm getting stronger.

I am the only one originating contact, sometimes nice replies, sometimes see each other, sometimes no response.

2/22 started with a phone call about her son getting into an accident, nobody hurt and he got two tickets on the scene, he's only 17.  She calls me and of course I want to help, go to police station, find a lawyer, try and help negotiate the car damage to the other car as to not go through insurance.  She really screwed up (irrational suspicion about the person he hit, should have been simple) and eventually had to go through insurance.  In between these days of excess self causing stress, we spent time together, talking, facetime... nice and connected it seems.

In the interim, she had car problems and asked if I could help, sure, I was going to have it fixed for less than half.  During a few days we weren't connected, she decided to go have it fixed and they screwed it up, she asked for help in such an angry way, I knew she hated to and expected me to say no.

3/9 we make a date to bring her car to me and I give her mine, we eat breakfast side by side in a diner as though we are a couple, kissing, holding hands, mutual.  That night I drive her car back and we eat together, laughing and she says it's late, I said I'm going to a hotel, long ride "home" and she says no and keeps grabbing my phone, I can stay in the other bedroom kinda angrily and says we won't sleep together, I say ok and she gets kinda angry without saying much.  I didn't insist, quick shower and I go to bed.  I was so uncomfortable, hardly slept, didn't want to be in the other room, it was upsetting.  I left about 6:30 am and went for coffee in the neighborhood killing 2.5 hrs.  At 7:30, she called several times and I didn't want to pick up, on the third, I did expecting to be yelled at for anything at all, instead, she said to come back, what are you doing, come back, I hesitated and did.

I went back, about 5 minutes and she brought me straight to the bedroom, cuddled, kissed, fooled around, no penetration as though it off limits, she would tear up at times, at times look away and I could see she was fighting an episode and she did.  That was so nice< I left, no problems.

On Sunday 3/3, she doesn't respond to texts, I go to church alone in the area, a long ride from where I am staying, just to go there.  We spent 2/17 and 2/24, both Sunday's together as a mutual decision and I was grateful, no problems.  On 3/3, no answer, that night she's being coy on the phone and says she was "hanging out", I questioned, new guy and she says she doesn't have to tell me and she can't spend time with me, she wants to be  "fair" to this guy.    I didn't overreact, I'm trying to accept what is going on and keep in mind it won't last long and I won't care later if we are together.  Still nice texts after and phone calls about normal stuff and her day and...I asked her on 3/10, yesterday if she had time, she said she is meeting a friend for her birthday, I know her and I know it's her birthday and didn't really answer some simple texts back and I started drinking...eventually I start sending my bs over the top love texts, dammit! She calls and we are both angry now, blame game, hanging up on each other, she's telling me I have to give up and go back to some ex (crazy), she's said that many times, I don't know why she keeps saying that.  It was a high stress call, nasty, I brought up her new guy and she had no reaction at all, I still question it, she had zero reaction.  We ended the call badly and I don't remember.  I do remember saying how much I care and love her and accept her.

This morning, good morning text, nothing, later, have a great day and response with same and I said I definitely texted too much last night and asked a question regarding her son.

No response.

On great days, I feel like I know how bad this is for me, I know I'm getting better and I don't feel sensitive to what is happening, others, drinking, I break.

Other than her needing help since kicking me out, she hardly initiates contact.  I understand I was way over the top yesterday.

She doesn't initiate contact and as I said, sometimes she gets back nicely and others many hours later without any attachement.

I am conflicted, I want to be together and some days her indifference makes me want to cut ties.

The whole calm down thing and giving it time...I count the seconds we aren't together and and the ruminating...some days are impossible and others, I find myself letting go and feeling sadness and relief, like I'm detaching and letting things happen as they are and yesterday I took many steps back.

I know her triggers, my love, my confession of a life together etc.  Asking to see her when she is "conflicted" or otherwise annoyed, stressed by anything, everything.

I went to a psychiatrist today because nobody will give me a tranquilizer and he recommended a SSRI, I said I have panic attacks and he gave me a very small supply of Zanax, that's the whole reason I went.  It was a $80 copay. I won't take an SSRI for a year, no way.  I could not believe I was sitting in a psychiatrists office and I got a glimpse of my life until that moment and I am just not grasping the situation.

What the F am I doing, not doing?  I want to wait, I want to chop because I'm suffering at times.  I don't want to give up.



I need some questions thrown at me, an outside perspective please.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[itsmeSnap]

Hey Sandb

I am conflicted, I want to be together and some days her indifference makes me want to cut ties.

You both are, have a read at this again:

That night I drive her car back and we eat together, laughing and she says it's late, I said I'm going to a hotel(LEAVE), long ride "home" and she says no and keeps grabbing my phone (STAY), I can stay in the other bedroom kinda angrily and says we won't sleep together, I say ok and she gets kinda angry without saying much. (LEAVE)  I didn't insist, quick shower and I go to bed.  I was so uncomfortable, hardly slept, didn't want to be in the other room, it was upsetting.  I left about 6:30 am and went for coffee in the neighborhood killing 2.5 hrs.  At 7:30, she called several times and I didn't want to pick up, on the third, I did expecting to be yelled at for anything at all, instead, she said to come back(STAY), what are you doing, come back, I hesitated and did.(LEAVE, then STAY)

No wonder you both have such anxiety over the relationship 

I went to a psychiatrist today because nobody will give me a tranquilizer and he recommended a SSRI, I said I have panic attacks and he gave me a very small supply of Zanax, that's the whole reason I went.

Have you used tranquilizer/antidepressants before? I got them given to me when I was younger and having panic attacks, but I never took them. I got recently prescribed some strong pain meds for a problem I had, but I also didn't want to take them.

I like the comfort of having them but I'm kinda stubborn in that I see how far I can go without them, as I know they're not a permanent solution to the issue. Antibiotics for the problem I had I did take almost religiously, because I knew they would get rid of the thing, so its not an "antimedication" stance for me.

What are your thoughts on getting the zanax? what does the psychiatrist think?

[I Am Redeemed]

SSRI drugs are meant to help you stabilize from some of the symptoms of depression. They are really meant to be combined with therapy for the maximum benefit. I tried many of them before I found one that worked best for me.

Be careful with the Xanax. I'm sure you know they can be addictive and potentially dangerous with alcohol. I am sure you want some instant relief from the anxiety, but benzodiazepines are actually depressants, as is alcohol, and are counterintuitive for depression in the long term.

Have you thought about what a committed relationship with her would look like? What challenges would you face?

Being in limbo is a very tough place. I understand how you can feel the simultaneous desires to not give up, yet cut it clean because the in between feels unbearable.

Realistically speaking, do you expect her intermittent feelings of indifference to change?

Where do you see this relationship six months from now? A year? Will you still be in the same place you are now?

Those are some things that I had to ask myself, and the answers were not easy. I lived in fear of doing the wrong thing, and I was stuck for a long time.
I found a good therapist who helped me get outside of my limited perspective. I know this is hard.

Hang in there,

Redeemed

[Sandb2015]

itsmeSnap, thank you so much

It's so difficult to see things this way.  I am confused and conflicted and still believe in a realistic way there is a future with her.  I'm not blind, I do believe in love though, this love, not blindly and not back to where we were and how we were.

Yes, both confused, her a whole lot more than me, she is stubborn in general and she has stated so many times that once a rs is over it's over.  That should have been 12/19.

She has described her past rs being 30,60,90 days and that's it usually because of her.

She is working so hard on getting rid of me and it's causing stress, maybe confusion and definitely conflict.----------I may be projecting positivity but I can tolerate it along with the negativity that comes from inside my own mind (I'm working ferociously to cope).

I will not take A SSRI, I am down and slightly depressed, I won't commit to a pill for a year.

He did give me a small batch of Zanax and said he won't refill because they are so addictive, I don't get addicted easily.  I took Clonopin for a year during my court battles and used them sparingly, didn't need after it was over.  Something to take the edge off at times is helpful, not to rely on them for peace, I have mental peace mostly, physical peace is a little different.

I do drink beer sometimes, not on a regular basis maybe twice a week, 2 or 3.

I need so badly for other to chime in...I question myself from time to time.


I Am Redeemed , Thank you, I need these questions...

I do see her indifference changing every 7-10 days.

A commited relationship is what I see, but not like the way it was, I'm working on it and she is not, there will be a time I have the window to have the tough discussion for us to seek "help" and take it from there.

Will she? I don't know.  It would be th way it was and that's imposible, probably even with my learning and tools, I won't be naive enough to say that's all that's required.

Sometimes I can't take the outside perspective and other times I do.

I feel like I won't give up, even when I feel very strong, I just see myself somewhat detached in a healthy way.

Last night a simple" Good night B, sleep well" was responded with "Good night" and a "thank you" from me.  This morning, no response to any good morning text.

I don't think it can stay this way for long as she may just move on altogether and I must accept that or she will "come around"...I will not be the one initiated or solidifying moving on or NC.

As I said, I am always initiating contact, I haven't been blocked and she has done it before, I'm surprised she hasn't and I just wait until she misses me or is not depressed, conflicted or indifferent.

I see us never losing contact until it's not available anymore and at that point, I will not pursue at all.

I will not be in this situation months from now, a year from now.  I see something better than this or not much, nothing.

My T (way too soft on me, looking for another) says move on, family and friends say move on.  They know better for them, I know what I want and am still trying.

We will eventually have to have the toughest conversation I could imagine...I am prepared for that and now is not the time.

I appreciate these questions everyone, please bombard me and throw stones if need be.

[Sandb2015]

This board as helpful as it is, is becoming an obsession and slightly depressing at times.

I need to come on every other day instead of all day, every day as though my situation is guided by my reading of others stories/situations.  I get lost here sometimes...more lost than I need to be.  I am so focused on the disorder, I lose focus of myself, my love and the rs.

[Sandb2015]

I feel so damned irrelevant to her and everything and I know I'm projecting and I feel like she's purposely forgetting and erasing me as I type as well as think about how hard she worked in our rs and just couldn't give me anymore chances, what a load of S**T!  That's her stance, she worked so damned hard to make it work.  Yes, she worked hard on projecting on me, her unhappiness, her insecurities, saying crazy crap about dreams and visions and intuition about what I'm thinking in order to slowly put a sharpened telephone pole up my anus without some sort of lubricant, to call me names and label me and I took it, God help anyone that ever did that, I let her. I picture her F*c*ing laughing and socializing at her job with people that gravitated towards me and started treating her better because of my kind social presence there. She hates them all and says crappy things about them and some of them have mentored her for 6 years in martial arts.

The negative crap I'm projecting is just overwhelming, she ignores me on purpose, maybe she doesn't want to answer because (fill in the blank with something empathetic or compassionate) or (she is actually trying to erase me and focus on a new guy and all the other important things in her life) m*t*erfu*ker.

[Red5]

This board as helpful as it is, is becoming an obsession and slightly depressing at times.

Me2,

Hang in there Sand,

I spent almost two hours on the tele with s/uBPDw...

She projected for the whole time... I think I was administered what I have refered to as a “$hit Test”...

Basically you are ambushed and bombarded with _______ with which ther is no correct or right answer... only your reactions are measured...

You are under the gun... hang tough my friend... we are right here to ‘catch’ you... same $hit diff day as they say...

“steady as she goes”...

Good Karma Prayerfully Your Way!

... I do so send...

Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry, sandb, it's really a struggle to accept that someone else's reality can be so distorted from the truth. It's like you see "1+1=2", and they're like, "those are not even numbers." And you just wonder if you actually heard what you know they just said, which makes no sense, and you think "do they really believe what they just said? Seriously?". Because it is just so crazy, and you don't even know how to begin to understand why they don't see the plain truth.

I understand also about this board becoming kind of an obsession. I immersed myself in research on BPD and other people's stories, trying to get to the Root. I finally had to take a break from that and focus on me and my mental health, and get into therapy for the c-ptsd I have from my relationship. Even if I could figure out stbx uBPDh, I can't change his not wanting to change. Bottom line.

Hang in there, sandb, and try not to overwhelm yourself with BPD info overload.

Redeemed

[Sandb2015]

Red5,

Thank you, no choice but to hang in there.  I'm glad you're in contact at least, it can brighten things up even when it's negative...I know.

I Am Redeemed,

Thank you. I already know we aren't on the same page, may never be in the ideal way, that's ok, I am accepting of that.

I get so wrapped up in time and days as though this is a project and I'm losing time or losing a chance. 

I get so wrapped up when she doesn't text back or just seems to ignore as though she is moving on in leaps and bounds.

Last night I sent a good night, sleep well, hope you had a great day.  No response.

This morning, I sent a good morning text, I hope you slept well and everything is ok...
I received a response, Everything is well, thank you. Like a cardboard cutout!

I called her "B" and no answer, I texted, no talking? No answer. I called again, no answer.  I text her to have a great day and I know she is looking for a raise at a meeting she has with her boss every Wednesday morning, I told her she deserves it and I hope she gets it.  I wanted to scream during my commute and drive in to a tree full speed.  I am holding back from any negative reaction, I want to tear the world apart!

Am I painted black? Am I dust in the wind? Am i irrelevant now?  Is it the last few days or do I see myself getting smaller in the rear view mirror?  Did she find her "new supply"?

How do I step back, I'm reading, watching Ted talks, breathing exercises, mindfulness.

If she called or picked up or texted back hating me, angry, anything, It would be better than this.  It's obvious I'm looking for the connection at almost any emotional cost.

I know her goal is for ME to give up, we both know I won't and she can't move on until I do, this is torture.  I want to give in to anger, frustration and throw the baby out with the bathwater because that is exactly what I'd be doing, I've cut out people in my life that were unhealthy for me and it was swift, people that wronged me without redemption.  This goes against my every grain.

I'm not her arranged marriage that was a disaster (only good thing, her son) or any short term guy after, we both know that and so does everyone else that knows her.

[Sandb2015]

Her martial arts mentor( B is a 3rd degree BB now) has been so kind to me when I reached out to him by waiting outside his job, 2 blocks from mine, great coincidence.  He was happy to see me and it was a surprise until I started balling like a baby on the sidewalk weeks after kicking me out, he was shocked to say the least.  We have been in contact, meeting for lunch and giving me perspective with regularity, turns out he hardly knew much about her as well as the other mentors (Masters), met one short term guy that she abused to some degree. He would have New Years at his home every year and the last few years we went together and it was nice and general bonding took place.  He is the one that pushed for T and said that he can only help me and he doesn't see how he could help us, which I agree, we are absolutely secretive about our talking, It would never be appropriate to let B know...

He hasn't gotten back to me either recently and he always does.  I'm thinking the worst and my head is swimming with the black paint I am projecting on myself, I don't know how she is badmouthing me at work to have herself look like a victim or something.

F  -I don't want to lose her and I don't want to be a victim to my emotions/reactions.

O  -I don't feel any obligation anywhere...

G  -I don't have guilt that I have wronged B in any way despite all the blame on me-I see the truth.